Thanks henri

Remember that Feelings are not facts-and that those old pathways are not your future.

Being aware, conscious, and facing the NOW rather than escaping are vital to recovery-and so is giving yourself a break now and then-you are doing the heavy lifting of recovery and rest and play are healthy.

Jamie

Henri I can not be as positive as most. I too suffer from SSA. It makes it impossible when all your clients are male. As a Veteranss representation I try like hell to be 'A' sexual, I'm sure many see the facad. It is a battle in my mind every second of every day. I feel what You are feeling. It won't leave me, and how I try.
Therapy is unsuccessful - my only ray of hope is my wife, who comforts me and tries like hell to understand me. That's OK, she will never get that far. Being loved by someone is all the difference imaginable! Be it a man or a woman. That is the support you are seeking.

I hate to see the hurt in your heart; but contrary to many in MS that is as good as it gets. I keep it in the back of my mind and am able to control it without loosing my mind.

I will support you, the pain is all of ours!

Bro

Thanks Don. It hurts like hell but I'm still at it.

Dude I totally could relate to how your feeling. I wish that SSA wasn't such a big thing in my life, but it is at times. It bothers me that many times my dealing with other men can't be "normal" like other guys instead of me feeling vulnerable and off. I always feel as though they can sense it to and that bothers me as well. I like Lo Don have a wife who loves me and tries her best to understand me. It still is very hard for me to battle the SSA everyday though. Besides this site I don't really talk to anyone about it. My therapist and I have chatted about it, but for me the reality that I can't turn it off and that it bothers me soo much hasn't stopped.
For me I tried being with men as a gay man thinking that was me, but I found it really wasn't me and I was only pretending eventhough I enjoyed some aspects of sex with another guy I still wasn't there 100% (if that makes sense) and that was the turning point for me. I wasn't and am not some closeted guy who is running away from his Gayness, I am just a guy who's head was seriously imprinted during my abuse. The abuse I went through in my teens went deep to my core and now my circuits have been screwed ever since.Sorry for ranting. I have read your posts and totally understand what your going through. Only thing I can say is, always be yourself and don't allow the SSA to cloud you from expressing your feelings or experiencing thinks in life. Hope that made sense.

Thanks brother. It made perfect sense

Thanks Henri,

You are a brave man and you are not alone in your obsessions. It is a hard battle but we can survive and grow. You are very real and smart and it seems to me that you are making more progress than you think. Progress not perfection is a great tool to keep in mind. Keep with the struggle as it will make you stronger and wiser and one day you will use that strength and wisdom to help someone else. I will pray for you my brother.

thank you..
I was moslested by my older brother(4 years older) when i was 9..i didnt do anything to stop it and feel that i should or could have done something..it constantly haunts me as i try to live a normal life..I feel threatened by every guy or "sexualized"..and thought i was the only one who felt this way..im glad i found this forum..

for me its just saying ok whatever its there. I guess whats helped me is I bodybuild. I know thats dumb but it has given me a sense of pride, confidence and self-esteem. Many guys in the gym respect me and I'm well respected in the industry. Without that I would have nothing. I try and allow the SSA to come but dont allow it to define me it happens so fast and goes away ...I can allow it to come and become passive and it doesnt go beyond some feelings of "attention" with girls its more lust and sexual...My ssa seems to be more emotional like some untapped needs for attention, friendship, "love"? and of course the bodily feelings from abuse kick in but Im not "horny" like I am with girls. hard to explain...Bottom line try to bond with guys anyway you know how on an equal level..it sounds dumb but it works!

KingHenri,

I can hear myself talking through you, as I have to admit, that I have the same problem. I see every man (strangers) as a possible threat and I'm extremely hypervigilannant.
I emphasize with you. But, recognizing these feeling, helps you understand them and - that is huge step.! Don't be afraid to express your feeling like you just did, be kind to yourself and don,t let that wound fester. Let it heal and lean on your fellow survivor brother walk with you along the way.

You are not alone, there are many of us that deal with the same issue and support you. I commend you for coming forward via a video, because this makes us realize that behind a screen mane the is a real person.
Take care!

Sincerely,

hang in there henri

Henry. My man. You made me cry. It's like you are reading my mind. I feel like every man I meet at work or in a store is either a threat or I feel I have to do him to make him like or accept me. I fight these feelings every day. I understand the obsession part completely. I feel like maybe one more and I'll get it right. Add this into coming home to my wife of over 30 years. Hiding this compulsive need to feel liked,loved, accepted by a man. And feeling like what the fuck am I doing? I could lose it all if I get caught. I love my wife and kids, but I feel like I am trained that the only way the"guys" at work or in the world will accept me is if I end up on my knees. This group is keeping me sane right now because it feels like a safe place to vent. Your video really hit home. YOU are surely not alone. Hang in. We will all make it through together brother.

Thx man. This is tough shit but things have been better for me lately. Group helped me so much. I'm glad you have group. Stay with it man.
They say that the severity of PTSD depends alot on wether or not you can derive comfort (non-sexual) from another human being. Finding your allies is important but #1 is self love.

And thats the tough part for me. I am so consumed with self hate I deel like I deserve nothing. I will do anything to help someone else but feel I dont deserve the same. Oh well, as long as I am working on it I feel like it may happen some day.

It will get better and you know it. I know you know it too, deep down.
And as far as feeling unworthy and undeserving, *eh em* (forgive me)
BULLSHIT! we both know it. I know the feeling too but it's bull.
What's happened to us has made us both more deserving than any other sheltered naiive leave it to beaver type guy.
What happened wasn't personal at all and that's what puts it into perspective. It could have been me or you or the kid down the block, the results would've been the same.
You come first, then others. You're the one who has been through hell and knows suffering. I will always respect that on a level that words cannot express.
Love and respect
Henri

Oh and it turns out that alot of guys are just as scared and confusex as me and you. Theyre human too. It's hard to accept that. Sometimes I just feel like I am inferior or that I have to "do them" and while the drive is still there (for obvious reasons) i've come to realize that if I talk to other guys and try and relate (while noticing the afforementioned "drive" and reminding myself that I don't HAVE to "go there") I can actually relate and identify with them and find allies.
This is something I have only recently begun to accept. (the positive things can be hard to accept when you hate yourself)
You know you deep down and I know you too. We both know you won't give up and you will find happiness as hard as that can be to accept.
PS sorry for the rant
love and respect
Henri

Henri,
God, you got it right, I feel the same fucking way, I'm so sorry, I'm fucking sick of it. I also see men as the exact way you describe them....two ways, sexually, or wanting to integrate into being them...where the FUCK am I?

You had it really bad man. That's hard to see sometimes. Alot of times.
You're a man. You're one of "them".
"They" All grew up together and learned to relate to eachother while we got fucked over.
It's not fair when what you really want is in conflict with what you've been forced into and programmed to "want"
There is hope. You know it as well as I do.
The thing is it's hard work. Just make sure not to forget to have some fun along the way.(that's how you win) :-)