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#367621 - 08/07/11 03:21 PM SEX ??????
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Guys need some insight
I go through these times where, well lets start at the beginning.....I have a hot wife, at least I think she is, and this is more so because she has stuck with me for 22 years now. No easy task putting up with my Sh*t.
She is rather sexual and ..... well......I find it hard to be.
She is taking it personally, and I keep telling her that she shouldn't. I love her beyond measure, I really do and I cant imagine being with out her.

I know I can get it up, its just I......dont want to. Off course because of my past, I cant use the Porn thing to build up some pressure.
Anyone experienced the same??
Any suggestions as to how I can get my MOJO back?
HEEEELP PLEEEEEASE

Martin

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#367661 - 08/08/11 01:25 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
I'm living that right now, although not sure I ever had the mojo?
Married, two boys, sex very occasionally, she would blow me on the football day...aware of past, she is a survivor too...she drinks way too much, and that for me kills any movement below...plus, I'm an addict, who is on subozone therapy to fill the needs for opiods...fucked up huh?

So, regarding sex, I think I'm gay anyway, been confused all my life, people who meet me think I am, I should just accept it, fall in love with a man who will take care of me, and be happy...I just don't feel happy about that future...
Fucked in Ct

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#367719 - 08/08/11 04:33 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Martin,

i feel for you bro

i too had to deal with what you have described

my ex had a high libido and wanted it every night of the week and twice on sundays. i, could only manage once or twice a week. the rest of the story sounds like yours.

we lasted 23 years, then she wanted to be my best friend but not married anymore. sad but true. i think you need to talk to your therapist to help you through this as well as getting insights from those here.

i never tried Viagra, but that might be an alternative.

good luck man. it isnt easy, i know. i wish i could be more help, but just know that i care and i 'know' what you are going through.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#367720 - 08/08/11 04:53 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I can relate to some aspects of what you said. My wife has largely given up on asking for sex. We maintained a healthy sex life until my sexual assault about a year and a half ago. For about a year before my assault, I had used Viagra off & on, due to health problems. The last and only time my wife and I tried to have sex was a few months after the assault, and even with Viagra I was still physically and emotionally hurting too much to perform.

Sex will never happen again for me. I still think my wife is hot, I get turned on, I still have desires but I am no longer desirable, and whoever would want sex with me must be as deranged as the man who assaulted me. I still desire intimacy with my wife and I wish I was man enough to fulfil those needs.

I told her after the failed attempt at sex, that I can no longer please her and that it was OK by me if she chose to satisfy those sexual desires with another, better man. She cocked her head to the side, wrinkled her nose, and said, "Who are you?" Now that she knows about the sexual assault, she is more understanding about my issues with sex but she still thinks that because she has CSA and was able to restore her ability to be sexual after getting involved with me, that somehow I must be able to do that too. She can't get it through her head that I have no sexuality, and will never have a sexuality.

You mention getting your mojo back. Does that imply that there are times in the past when you felt better about your sexuality? What has changed since then?

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#367755 - 08/09/11 03:36 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: CruxFidelis]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I do have MOJO, CF, but it comes and goes, wains like the moods I have. My Wife would like sex more regularly, and consistently. She also wants sex with JUST me and not all the fantasies that I used to protect my self while being abused. She is tired of competing with the hot blondes that I have in the "bed" with us. I cant perform If I don't have the images in my mind, and I don't know how to replace those images with her.
To be honest I do love her and find her desirable but I cant perform without the others in my head.
Any Ideas on how I replace them. BTW one of them is always her. I know that she wont entertain a real situation, and I would be unable to perform in a real three way anyway.
Thanks Guys
Martin

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#367757 - 08/09/11 04:43 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for the honest sharing.

For me, the best thing that I ever did was to finally stop inciting and inflaming all the sexual fantasies. These all had roots in the emotional and sexual trauma of the abuse and unresolved conflicts from my childhood including my relationships with peers, siblings, and parents.

It was a no-win game to indulge or entertain this fantasy life, and it sidetracked my real sexuality and kept it buried for years.

In order to move past being stuck, I had to commit to really opening up to myself about what was really going on. Taking a hard look at my self and the years of false pursuits with my sex life was painful, but I had exhausted all other options.

I tried to abstain from being sexual during this time and learn what non-sexual intimacy was, and guess what? My natural sexuality came alive and I have been able to feel healed, complete, and free from guilt/shame in this area of my life.

No one in my family of origin has been able to break free from the cycles of the past-except me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I've been restored to a healthy, beautiful way of being intimate, faithful, loving and sexual in my life that I never thought possible.

But it takes work.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#367777 - 08/09/11 01:29 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
gettingalong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 42
Mountainous...thanks for this post. I'd love to hear more about your journey with this.


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#367832 - 08/10/11 10:30 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: gettingalong]
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
I am on my bi-annual visit and this is the first post to catch my attention.

Whome,

Your wife is the one with the problem. Let me say that again so I won't be misquoted, your wife is the one with the problem.

Men have fantasies, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that happened in your childhood.

Using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse for problems in your sex life (note: I said sex life not marriage) isn't healthy for you or her but mostly not for you.

And using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse to distort normal male sexuality will (note: I said WILL and not may) cause problems in your marriage. So stop emasculating your self and have your fantasies.

Brian


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#367838 - 08/10/11 11:16 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: brian-z]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
Originally Posted By: brian-z
I am on my bi-annual visit and this is the first post to catch my attention.

Whome,

Your wife is the one with the problem. Let me say that again so I won't be misquoted, your wife is the one with the problem.

Men have fantasies, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that happened in your childhood.

Using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse for problems in your sex life (note: I said sex life not marriage) isn't healthy for you or her but mostly not for you.

And using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse to distort normal male sexuality will (note: I said WILL and not may) cause problems in your marriage. So stop emasculating your self and have your fantasies.

Brian


Here there, Denial. Long time no see! How are you today?

Seriously though, that's an awfully judgmental way to present the problem.


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#367841 - 08/10/11 11:42 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: well-intended]
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Hi Danial,

Normal male sexuality is.... well it's normal.

I am not trying to be judgmental, just direct.

You haven't lost your Mojo, you just been told that Mojo is bad and it isn't. stop beating yourself up about having normal sexual fantasies.

Brian


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#367858 - 08/10/11 02:47 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: brian-z]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Brian-z

I'm a survivor, what the hell is normal sex? They tell me it is normal to have fantasies, but I don't know?
It isn't the wife complaining its me, and I loose my drive, or will to perform, not her. She could go every night, but I'm kinda a once a week dude.
But Thanks for the blunt answer though.

Martin

_________________________
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Matrix Men Blog

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#367861 - 08/10/11 03:26 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
whome...talk to your wife maybe you guys can do role playing or act out fantasies? I know when my wife wanted it alot it turned me off..but the second she didnt want it and I knew I couldnt have it when I wanted, it turned me on more and I wanted it more...reverse psychology perhaps?

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"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367862 - 08/10/11 03:40 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
As a sexual being and as a man, yes, it is normal to have fantasies. I've read a lot about childhood sexual abuse because of my wife, and one of the things that I've seen is that they (CSA survivors) tend to have very active imaginations because it helped their minds escape the sexual trauma. I am sure that this transfers over to a young man's sexuality as he gets older and has not dealt with the CSA.

I don't have CSA and wasn't a "survivor" until 27. But for awhile I looked at porn in my late teens/early 20's and gave it up when I became a Christian. I am not here to tell anyone what to do, or how to live, but I believe that for me, it was keeping me from loving my wife in a mature, authentic way. I finally quit a few months before our wedding in the church. When I was masturbating and looking at porn, I found myself kissing the woman who would be my wife, touching her, and yet for some reason imagined the fake boobs, liposuctioned hips and depressingly desperate eyes of a porn star. My wife was naturally beautiful so why was I imagining all these nameless pinups? I put the habit away and for me, it was part of becoming a man--embracing a married sex life that is open to children, and all the responsibilities that come with that. Fidelity of mind and heart is a manly virtue and even though the pornographic images still crept into my mind occasionally, I was free to engage in real, honest-to-goodness sex with a pretty woman who WANTED me, and not some JPEG file. For most men, that takes some degree of self-control and delayed gratification.

For me, it was more manly to embrace the sexual REALITY of marriage with my wife, rather than a bunch of fantasies that never satisfied me.

I think for me it was a habit, and not necessarily an addiction, and I realize that for some men it is harder to give up than for others, especially since my habit wasn't coupled with the emotional devastation of childhood sexual abuse. So again, I am not here to tell people what to do but to say that I do think that if porn is killing your ability to have a completely intimate encounter with your spouse during sex, then giving it up is the loving, manly thing to do.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#367863 - 08/10/11 03:41 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks freshwound
I find the exact same, If I cant have it like when she is sick or to tired, or that time of the month, I get totally crazy for her. When I can have her, I avoid the subject. She has to do all the initiating otherwise shell never get any.
What makes us do that?

_________________________
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#367865 - 08/10/11 04:30 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
FEAR...fear of intamacy...FEAR of making a mistake, Fear of her finding "out" whatever finding out means...fear of losing control...etc...For me it was almost always a control issue...if my wife or any girl hit on me I go blank and feel nothing...if she plays hard to get or if I feel "safe" like in a club I go nuts and worked up...You have to feel safe in your own skin...its hard for us but it can be done...Ive been with about 80 women in my life and I never had such unbelievable, connected, pleasurable sex as I did with my ex wife...sucks I miss her frown the sex that is lol

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367921 - 08/11/11 12:03 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: CruxFidelis]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Cf and Freshwound

Fresh what you say rings a bell for me, I really don't like dominant woman, and prefer the waif like damsel in distress. If a woman is to dominant it turns me of completely. I suppose this is why I wasn't to happy with her when she was putting pressure on me to stop drinking etc. Our sex life diminished to naught then. When we do make love it is great. The be in control thing rings a bell with me though THANKS.
CF porn was more a means of survival for me rather than something I did to have a thrill. It was an all out addiction. I can however relate to the pleasure of sex in a committed relationship.
I don't think I am brave enough to go out and do something outside of my marriage.
After all this woman stood by me for 22 years, BRAVE

Thanks Guys keep the info coming
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#367998 - 08/12/11 12:42 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
my issues are all about control...the second I feel 'I have to" or something may "go wrong" I panic and my SSA kicks in...thats how I know im like 90% straight (no one is 100% anything)..I start EDMR monday I hope this shit clears out

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368001 - 08/12/11 02:59 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
Originally Posted By: freshwound
FEAR...fear of intamacy...FEAR of making a mistake, Fear of her finding "out" whatever finding out means...fear of losing control...etc...For me it was almost always a control issue...if my wife or any girl hit on me I go blank and feel nothing...if she plays hard to get or if I feel "safe" like in a club I go nuts and worked up...You have to feel safe in your own skin...its hard for us but it can be done...Ive been with about 80 women in my life and I never had such unbelievable, connected, pleasurable sex as I did with my ex wife...sucks I miss her frown the sex that is lol


You talking about fear brings up a lot about how I feel. I think the fear of opening myself up emotionally is really the only thing holding me back from getting past this, and if I can do that, then the rest is all down hill.

My last girlfriend was aggressive but not overly aggressive. I remember one time we were cuddling on the couch and she took off her shirt as a hint that she wanted to have sex. That made me feel like I had to do something and I became scared and didn't do anything. Sometimes I would get so angry that any horniess I had would immediately leave and I know it had to be awkward for her. Any sense of "manliness" I had gained was gone and it took a few days to regain.

All of this dates back to high school when the first girl I ever cared about and I were together, and we were in her bed alone. She leaned in and kissed me and I froze and had no clue how to act. She pulled away and asked if I was gay and I had never been so angry in my life. I have no problem with people who are gay but I take it as an insult when people ask if I am gay in a sense they are making fun of me for what has happened in my past. Since then, I have been afraid to make out with a girl in fear of something like that happening again. But, I also regret not trying or talking to her before hand and mustering up the courage to get past the kissing.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#368005 - 08/12/11 03:55 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: Incognito]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
I relate abou regaining manliness. I'll internalize one of my friends masculinity and be ok for days and have great sex with girls. Then a fear of "what if I go numb or what if I lose an erection or what If I lose control" kicks in and my feelins for women are gone and ssa kicks in. Whenever I feel safe, no pressure and nothing to prove my attractions and fantasies to girls kicks in again. Plus the messages I got at home about heterosexual relationships, about being a man and overall how my mom was (a controlling cunt) my perceptions about women are all fucked up. I almost want to say fuck it and go be with men. But I can't ignore all the good sex I've had with girls in the past and honestly I don't lust after guys. I have emotional attractions that are completely connected to my abuse and unmet needs but I don't see myself sitting on a couch watching movies with a guy holding hands. I like and hate girls at same time sucks

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368025 - 08/13/11 01:11 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
I honest to god do not know what good " sex" is, means, or feels like, and my god, if my wife is aggressive, forget it, the woof goes to a sapling, and I hate her and myself

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I don't have one

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#368026 - 08/13/11 01:12 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
What is EDMR?

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I don't have one

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#368029 - 08/13/11 01:48 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: Sailboat92]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
It's a type of therapy where you stare at a computer screen that projects an image that puts you in a mind set that is trance like, you remember your truama and your able to process it. It's supposed to be intense and take your trauma levels down from let's say a 10 to a 4 or 5

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368099 - 08/14/11 03:17 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
OK

So I'm feeling freakish cause only one or two of you are having sexual issue's.
Whats up brothers, I need some insight here?

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#368134 - 08/14/11 05:38 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
What are we invisible? lol we share our experiences with each other and those that are similar we cheerish. Im fucked up sexually totally...feel straight gay and bi moment to moment. Crazy thing is I never touched a guy EVER outside of being abused...I fantasize 90% of the time with women...been with about 80 women and Socially I feel straight...the negative BS in my head wont allow me to take comfort in all that. Im hoping EDMR pulls all the crap out, untangles it and helps me make sense of it all..

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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