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#367858 - 08/10/11 02:47 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: brian-z]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Brian-z

I'm a survivor, what the hell is normal sex? They tell me it is normal to have fantasies, but I don't know?
It isn't the wife complaining its me, and I loose my drive, or will to perform, not her. She could go every night, but I'm kinda a once a week dude.
But Thanks for the blunt answer though.

Martin

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#367861 - 08/10/11 03:26 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
whome...talk to your wife maybe you guys can do role playing or act out fantasies? I know when my wife wanted it alot it turned me off..but the second she didnt want it and I knew I couldnt have it when I wanted, it turned me on more and I wanted it more...reverse psychology perhaps?

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"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367862 - 08/10/11 03:40 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
As a sexual being and as a man, yes, it is normal to have fantasies. I've read a lot about childhood sexual abuse because of my wife, and one of the things that I've seen is that they (CSA survivors) tend to have very active imaginations because it helped their minds escape the sexual trauma. I am sure that this transfers over to a young man's sexuality as he gets older and has not dealt with the CSA.

I don't have CSA and wasn't a "survivor" until 27. But for awhile I looked at porn in my late teens/early 20's and gave it up when I became a Christian. I am not here to tell anyone what to do, or how to live, but I believe that for me, it was keeping me from loving my wife in a mature, authentic way. I finally quit a few months before our wedding in the church. When I was masturbating and looking at porn, I found myself kissing the woman who would be my wife, touching her, and yet for some reason imagined the fake boobs, liposuctioned hips and depressingly desperate eyes of a porn star. My wife was naturally beautiful so why was I imagining all these nameless pinups? I put the habit away and for me, it was part of becoming a man--embracing a married sex life that is open to children, and all the responsibilities that come with that. Fidelity of mind and heart is a manly virtue and even though the pornographic images still crept into my mind occasionally, I was free to engage in real, honest-to-goodness sex with a pretty woman who WANTED me, and not some JPEG file. For most men, that takes some degree of self-control and delayed gratification.

For me, it was more manly to embrace the sexual REALITY of marriage with my wife, rather than a bunch of fantasies that never satisfied me.

I think for me it was a habit, and not necessarily an addiction, and I realize that for some men it is harder to give up than for others, especially since my habit wasn't coupled with the emotional devastation of childhood sexual abuse. So again, I am not here to tell people what to do but to say that I do think that if porn is killing your ability to have a completely intimate encounter with your spouse during sex, then giving it up is the loving, manly thing to do.

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“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#367863 - 08/10/11 03:41 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks freshwound
I find the exact same, If I cant have it like when she is sick or to tired, or that time of the month, I get totally crazy for her. When I can have her, I avoid the subject. She has to do all the initiating otherwise shell never get any.
What makes us do that?

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#367865 - 08/10/11 04:30 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
FEAR...fear of intamacy...FEAR of making a mistake, Fear of her finding "out" whatever finding out means...fear of losing control...etc...For me it was almost always a control issue...if my wife or any girl hit on me I go blank and feel nothing...if she plays hard to get or if I feel "safe" like in a club I go nuts and worked up...You have to feel safe in your own skin...its hard for us but it can be done...Ive been with about 80 women in my life and I never had such unbelievable, connected, pleasurable sex as I did with my ex wife...sucks I miss her frown the sex that is lol

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#367921 - 08/11/11 12:03 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: CruxFidelis]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Cf and Freshwound

Fresh what you say rings a bell for me, I really don't like dominant woman, and prefer the waif like damsel in distress. If a woman is to dominant it turns me of completely. I suppose this is why I wasn't to happy with her when she was putting pressure on me to stop drinking etc. Our sex life diminished to naught then. When we do make love it is great. The be in control thing rings a bell with me though THANKS.
CF porn was more a means of survival for me rather than something I did to have a thrill. It was an all out addiction. I can however relate to the pleasure of sex in a committed relationship.
I don't think I am brave enough to go out and do something outside of my marriage.
After all this woman stood by me for 22 years, BRAVE

Thanks Guys keep the info coming
Martin

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#367998 - 08/12/11 12:42 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
my issues are all about control...the second I feel 'I have to" or something may "go wrong" I panic and my SSA kicks in...thats how I know im like 90% straight (no one is 100% anything)..I start EDMR monday I hope this shit clears out

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#368001 - 08/12/11 02:59 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
Originally Posted By: freshwound
FEAR...fear of intamacy...FEAR of making a mistake, Fear of her finding "out" whatever finding out means...fear of losing control...etc...For me it was almost always a control issue...if my wife or any girl hit on me I go blank and feel nothing...if she plays hard to get or if I feel "safe" like in a club I go nuts and worked up...You have to feel safe in your own skin...its hard for us but it can be done...Ive been with about 80 women in my life and I never had such unbelievable, connected, pleasurable sex as I did with my ex wife...sucks I miss her frown the sex that is lol


You talking about fear brings up a lot about how I feel. I think the fear of opening myself up emotionally is really the only thing holding me back from getting past this, and if I can do that, then the rest is all down hill.

My last girlfriend was aggressive but not overly aggressive. I remember one time we were cuddling on the couch and she took off her shirt as a hint that she wanted to have sex. That made me feel like I had to do something and I became scared and didn't do anything. Sometimes I would get so angry that any horniess I had would immediately leave and I know it had to be awkward for her. Any sense of "manliness" I had gained was gone and it took a few days to regain.

All of this dates back to high school when the first girl I ever cared about and I were together, and we were in her bed alone. She leaned in and kissed me and I froze and had no clue how to act. She pulled away and asked if I was gay and I had never been so angry in my life. I have no problem with people who are gay but I take it as an insult when people ask if I am gay in a sense they are making fun of me for what has happened in my past. Since then, I have been afraid to make out with a girl in fear of something like that happening again. But, I also regret not trying or talking to her before hand and mustering up the courage to get past the kissing.

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"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#368005 - 08/12/11 03:55 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: Incognito]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
I relate abou regaining manliness. I'll internalize one of my friends masculinity and be ok for days and have great sex with girls. Then a fear of "what if I go numb or what if I lose an erection or what If I lose control" kicks in and my feelins for women are gone and ssa kicks in. Whenever I feel safe, no pressure and nothing to prove my attractions and fantasies to girls kicks in again. Plus the messages I got at home about heterosexual relationships, about being a man and overall how my mom was (a controlling cunt) my perceptions about women are all fucked up. I almost want to say fuck it and go be with men. But I can't ignore all the good sex I've had with girls in the past and honestly I don't lust after guys. I have emotional attractions that are completely connected to my abuse and unmet needs but I don't see myself sitting on a couch watching movies with a guy holding hands. I like and hate girls at same time sucks

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#368025 - 08/13/11 01:11 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
I honest to god do not know what good " sex" is, means, or feels like, and my god, if my wife is aggressive, forget it, the woof goes to a sapling, and I hate her and myself

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