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#367621 - 08/07/11 03:21 PM SEX ??????
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Guys need some insight
I go through these times where, well lets start at the beginning.....I have a hot wife, at least I think she is, and this is more so because she has stuck with me for 22 years now. No easy task putting up with my Sh*t.
She is rather sexual and ..... well......I find it hard to be.
She is taking it personally, and I keep telling her that she shouldn't. I love her beyond measure, I really do and I cant imagine being with out her.

I know I can get it up, its just I......dont want to. Off course because of my past, I cant use the Porn thing to build up some pressure.
Anyone experienced the same??
Any suggestions as to how I can get my MOJO back?
HEEEELP PLEEEEEASE

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#367661 - 08/08/11 01:25 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
I'm living that right now, although not sure I ever had the mojo?
Married, two boys, sex very occasionally, she would blow me on the football day...aware of past, she is a survivor too...she drinks way too much, and that for me kills any movement below...plus, I'm an addict, who is on subozone therapy to fill the needs for opiods...fucked up huh?

So, regarding sex, I think I'm gay anyway, been confused all my life, people who meet me think I am, I should just accept it, fall in love with a man who will take care of me, and be happy...I just don't feel happy about that future...
Fucked in Ct

_________________________
I don't have one

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#367719 - 08/08/11 04:33 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Martin,

i feel for you bro

i too had to deal with what you have described

my ex had a high libido and wanted it every night of the week and twice on sundays. i, could only manage once or twice a week. the rest of the story sounds like yours.

we lasted 23 years, then she wanted to be my best friend but not married anymore. sad but true. i think you need to talk to your therapist to help you through this as well as getting insights from those here.

i never tried Viagra, but that might be an alternative.

good luck man. it isnt easy, i know. i wish i could be more help, but just know that i care and i 'know' what you are going through.

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#367720 - 08/08/11 04:53 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I can relate to some aspects of what you said. My wife has largely given up on asking for sex. We maintained a healthy sex life until my sexual assault about a year and a half ago. For about a year before my assault, I had used Viagra off & on, due to health problems. The last and only time my wife and I tried to have sex was a few months after the assault, and even with Viagra I was still physically and emotionally hurting too much to perform.

Sex will never happen again for me. I still think my wife is hot, I get turned on, I still have desires but I am no longer desirable, and whoever would want sex with me must be as deranged as the man who assaulted me. I still desire intimacy with my wife and I wish I was man enough to fulfil those needs.

I told her after the failed attempt at sex, that I can no longer please her and that it was OK by me if she chose to satisfy those sexual desires with another, better man. She cocked her head to the side, wrinkled her nose, and said, "Who are you?" Now that she knows about the sexual assault, she is more understanding about my issues with sex but she still thinks that because she has CSA and was able to restore her ability to be sexual after getting involved with me, that somehow I must be able to do that too. She can't get it through her head that I have no sexuality, and will never have a sexuality.

You mention getting your mojo back. Does that imply that there are times in the past when you felt better about your sexuality? What has changed since then?

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#367755 - 08/09/11 03:36 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: CruxFidelis]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I do have MOJO, CF, but it comes and goes, wains like the moods I have. My Wife would like sex more regularly, and consistently. She also wants sex with JUST me and not all the fantasies that I used to protect my self while being abused. She is tired of competing with the hot blondes that I have in the "bed" with us. I cant perform If I don't have the images in my mind, and I don't know how to replace those images with her.
To be honest I do love her and find her desirable but I cant perform without the others in my head.
Any Ideas on how I replace them. BTW one of them is always her. I know that she wont entertain a real situation, and I would be unable to perform in a real three way anyway.
Thanks Guys
Martin

_________________________
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Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#367757 - 08/09/11 04:43 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for the honest sharing.

For me, the best thing that I ever did was to finally stop inciting and inflaming all the sexual fantasies. These all had roots in the emotional and sexual trauma of the abuse and unresolved conflicts from my childhood including my relationships with peers, siblings, and parents.

It was a no-win game to indulge or entertain this fantasy life, and it sidetracked my real sexuality and kept it buried for years.

In order to move past being stuck, I had to commit to really opening up to myself about what was really going on. Taking a hard look at my self and the years of false pursuits with my sex life was painful, but I had exhausted all other options.

I tried to abstain from being sexual during this time and learn what non-sexual intimacy was, and guess what? My natural sexuality came alive and I have been able to feel healed, complete, and free from guilt/shame in this area of my life.

No one in my family of origin has been able to break free from the cycles of the past-except me. I'm not perfect by any means, but I've been restored to a healthy, beautiful way of being intimate, faithful, loving and sexual in my life that I never thought possible.

But it takes work.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#367777 - 08/09/11 01:29 PM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
gettingalong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 42
Mountainous...thanks for this post. I'd love to hear more about your journey with this.


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#367832 - 08/10/11 10:30 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: gettingalong]
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
I am on my bi-annual visit and this is the first post to catch my attention.

Whome,

Your wife is the one with the problem. Let me say that again so I won't be misquoted, your wife is the one with the problem.

Men have fantasies, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that happened in your childhood.

Using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse for problems in your sex life (note: I said sex life not marriage) isn't healthy for you or her but mostly not for you.

And using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse to distort normal male sexuality will (note: I said WILL and not may) cause problems in your marriage. So stop emasculating your self and have your fantasies.

Brian


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#367838 - 08/10/11 11:16 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: brian-z]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
Originally Posted By: brian-z
I am on my bi-annual visit and this is the first post to catch my attention.

Whome,

Your wife is the one with the problem. Let me say that again so I won't be misquoted, your wife is the one with the problem.

Men have fantasies, and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that happened in your childhood.

Using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse for problems in your sex life (note: I said sex life not marriage) isn't healthy for you or her but mostly not for you.

And using a history of sexuall abuse as an excuse to distort normal male sexuality will (note: I said WILL and not may) cause problems in your marriage. So stop emasculating your self and have your fantasies.

Brian


Here there, Denial. Long time no see! How are you today?

Seriously though, that's an awfully judgmental way to present the problem.


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#367841 - 08/10/11 11:42 AM Re: SEX ?????? [Re: well-intended]
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Hi Danial,

Normal male sexuality is.... well it's normal.

I am not trying to be judgmental, just direct.

You haven't lost your Mojo, you just been told that Mojo is bad and it isn't. stop beating yourself up about having normal sexual fantasies.

Brian


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