John,

Maybe it's been a little helpful to actually write this stuff down. So thank you for providing the catalyst. I just worry that there will be a divorce and my wife will turn this computer over to someone who knows better how to see what I've done than I know to hide it.

Today was a little bit better. i had a lot to do and so I didn't realize how much I hate myself as often as I do on the really horrible days.

I still keep coming back to the fact that i never tried to stop my cousin. I wasn't afraid of him. I did what he asked willingly. I didn't want it to end. I see no way to forgive myself for that.

I really did not want to see this thread when I got home. Nothing sends me into a tail-spin like cruelty from those whom we ought to rely upon.

John, you know what I've been through with my wife and her lawyer, family and all the lovely the town's people. Lorie (ex wife) is in need of serious surgery and guess who is driving her to her hosp at 6:15 AM tomorrow? Guess who has let all that hurt just flow-away. Guess who has taken ownership of all that is wrong in this world.

What is it about US and THEM? The US crowd seems to have all the tolerance, understanding and forgiveness in this world. The blessed few whom move through life relatively unscathed own the luxury of beating the shit out of US.

I'm fkg sick of it all. I'm sick of US being the ones who make everything work. I agree with Sailor. EXIT...stage-right. Let THEM feel and truly experience what we contribute to their lives even if our paint don't shine just quite right.

EDIT:

Its "betrayal." Betrayal comes quite easily to so many. I hate betrayal and I really fkg hate betrayers. There's a special place in the bible for betrayers. They are the worst type. They are what un-does everything, no matter what the foundation..no matter how much effort goes into the construction of the good. Betrayers have a lot to account for. I hope death-bed realization and regret comes first.

*sigh*

We continue to be the sponges that soak-up all the blood...even if it's our own. We yield, we bare burdens, we take blame, we eat all the shit sandies they can make and place before us. We do all that to keep the peace that we feel in our very core, is required for our own survival.

Its part of our fkg fabric...so yeah...THAT'LL happen!...