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#367315 - 08/03/11 04:43 PM A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers)
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona




Edited by kinghenri (08/04/11 02:35 PM)
Edit Reason: title change
_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367334 - 08/03/11 07:55 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Bro has nothing to do with your sexuality!! your "remembering" what happened. Start walking up to one of those guys right up to them say whats up bro im henry!! try once in a while give your buddy a hug, let yourself feel anxiety and bad and after the hug, be like fuck that wasnt that bad. Your a good dude man and your video touched me!! it takes time brother..whenever your feeling bad PM me!! ill give you my contact info you can text or email me anytime you want! im here for your brother!

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#367349 - 08/03/11 09:58 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thx man. That means alot to me

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367352 - 08/03/11 10:17 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: kinghenri]
BT Offline


Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 388
Loc: Chicago IL
Henri your videos are amazing!!!

I started working on the same issues you are working on in my mid 20's and I want to emphatically say that what your are doing is leading you to a better and fuller life.

MaleSurvivor, this board, conferences, and the relationships formed played a huge part in my being able to eventually describe sexual abuse as something bad that happened to me rather than "feel" it was who I was.

It was also years before I could talk publically as you are. I congratulate you on your courage and look forward to seeing more of your journey.

Brent

_________________________
"Everyone is entitled to their opinions and it is not my job to change their mind." Dali Lama

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#367357 - 08/03/11 11:00 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: BT]
Kaene Offline


Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
Again Henri my hat is off to you. For me dealing with this aspect of the abuse has almost been harder than dealing with all of the other crap that comes with it.

BTW I just can't freaking believe someone clicked 'dislike' on your video, they should be walked out behind the toolshed! Soon as I can remember my youtube password I'll drop a 'like' for you.

_________________________
"Do you think God lets you plea bargain?" - Calvin & Hobbes

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#367363 - 08/03/11 11:41 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: Kaene]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
No sweat. I expected haters. Theyre always out there. It doesnt bother me.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367382 - 08/04/11 03:34 AM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: kinghenri]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Excellent work Kinghenri! You were raw and vulnerable. Myself have struggled with my sexuality. Religions want nothing to do with you.
Luckily, I am married to an understanding woman. She does insist "no Affairs'! with women and men. I have SSA and don't act on it. Going to the gym I pretend I am blind, look up in the air, or down at my feet. I'm an alien on this planet. Thanx for streading the work out for the rest of us. I am convinced if you were never molested, you would not be in this predicament. Nor would I. If that boy could tell that man, to get his hands out of my pants! We would not be so confused. I admire your bravery!

Good work,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367391 - 08/04/11 10:03 AM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: Lo Don]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Don I am thinking more and more your right about sexuality and abuse. You can't ignore conditioning

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#367400 - 08/04/11 12:23 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Its always there. It's just really tough to make new pathways of living.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367401 - 08/04/11 12:25 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
You have to accept it as part of you and either feed it or ignore it. Edmr may help. Ever look into that?

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#367402 - 08/04/11 12:30 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Ive been considering it. It kind of scares me lol.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367404 - 08/04/11 12:53 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
It will help from what I've heard. Supposed to clear up the truama fast

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#367405 - 08/04/11 01:25 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I have. It kind of scares me. Have you done it? Does it help?

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367406 - 08/04/11 01:29 PM Re: video 2 probably triggering. [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Yes from what I hear is if your trauma is at a level 10 it can bring it to a 4 or 5

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#367557 - 08/06/11 01:22 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
What an incredible video, my heart, my hand goes out to you in friendship, and kinship I suppose, right?:)
I found your thoughts almost too "me" to watch, but I did, and I'm glad I did. It's such brave work, and hard work.
I too remember the " beautiful" girl, that I wanted to kiss so bad, to feel her mouth, and all else, and that was quickly replaced with shame and feelings of " who the fuck do you think you are, this girl knows your gay, so back off asshole"
I've since married, fathering two beautiful boys, my wife is aware of abuse, and has indications of acting out behavior- and so I watch your video and I am blown away by your truthfulness, and in the moment feelings. I think, that's the guy I want to be, and i mean that in the sense of integrity and what i saw as your absolute authentic self discussing your past and it's effects today. It was so hopeful, although I acknowledge it might not feel that way for you- I'm dying for that hope. To be the man you are so very clearly.

The way you looked and rubbed your neck when you were referring to the girl you saw was to me so natural and obvious that you were really excited about the possibilities, your eyes literally changed for that brief period. I see hope and a path forward for you that is going to be awesome beyond imagination. And the beautiful girl will be wondering, how did I get such an incredible man to be my partner. I just know this to be your very bright and indeed happy way forward. Thank you for sharing.

_________________________
I don't have one

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#367562 - 08/06/11 01:45 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Sailboat92]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thank you so much sailboat. It's almost scary to recieve praise but it warms my heart. I will continue to do this.
Love and peace brother. Take it easy
Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367566 - 08/06/11 01:59 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Another arrow straight through all and everything I feel,
And struggle daily to move beyond. Your words and video's are beautiful man, they are helping me more than I think I may realize, and the guys who are masculine and your uncomfortable around, god truer words to me have never been spoken.. My one good therapist said to me a long time ago, that in my acting out, I was attempting to reconcile what I saw as "manly" in my indiscretions, and through these, hope that it would somehow lightening bolt into me, so that I became like them, a man..how fucked up! Fucking them would create in me what I saw in them and wanted desperately to be,
Comfortable as a man, masculine, strong, handsome and in control, all that shit that says your a man..what did I get, more fucking confusion, shame and self hate- plan didn't work.thanks Henri




Edited by Sailboat92 (08/06/11 02:01 PM)
Edit Reason: Word wrong
_________________________
I don't have one

Top
#367567 - 08/06/11 02:31 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Sailboat92]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Jeez man that sounds really painful. I guess I kind of have a similar sort of thing. My most pervasive fantasy is of my Ex getting screwed in front of me. "see Henri, this is how a real man does it".
Everything frim the abuse is there. Shame, betrayal, self-loathing, and fear.
All this is very arousing for all the wrong reasons. Now that being said, it's going to take a lot of work to reclaim sexuality.
Sorry if I'm rambling (emotional fallout)
Henri

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367568 - 08/06/11 06:14 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Henri, remember bro, whenever you want to reach out email me! Btw did your other arm catch up? lol

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#367570 - 08/06/11 07:07 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
lmjanes Offline


Registered: 07/09/10
Posts: 6
Loc: Southwest
Henry,

What Freshwond is saying about EMDR is true. Odd enough, I live in the same town as you do and I know a person who had it done and said it helped her greatly. If you are interested in the name of the therapist, I can give it to you through PM.


Top
#367571 - 08/06/11 07:30 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: lmjanes]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Hellz ya man

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367672 - 08/08/11 03:55 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Henri,

Very good! Turn up the volumn! I could barely hear you. you had some good points, but I didn't hear them all.

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367674 - 08/08/11 04:16 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I like your topics, elaborate a little more on your life experience. Enunciate more, you seem to be mumbling.
It is hard to take criticsm, I know I judge high school speech meets.
Your mannerism is perfect, showing emotion when talking is truly effective, and draws your audience in. You seem to have a genuine honesty surrounding you,
Keep it up; I think you are very positive,
The hardest thing of all, is to be able to take all the criticsm. If it is constuctive, learn from it; if it is hurtful; disregard it.

Good show,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367675 - 08/08/11 04:20 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Henri,

Very good! Turn up the volumn! I could barely hear you. you had some good points, but I didn't hear them all.

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367676 - 08/08/11 04:28 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I like the smokes. Great prop. You know what I said about criticsm, everybodies got one; if they are helpful in your learning, take it. It they are just mean; ignor them.
I think you are doing a topic YouTube just can't wrap their heads around. This is not a subject the main popualtion are going to relate to. so don't worry about what the folks in YouTube say, more so of what MS folks think.

Great presentation!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367696 - 08/08/11 11:36 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Lo Don]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Dude I'm totally getting support on youtube now too. but I think that you have been the most supporting Don. Your wisdom is a blessing to me.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367706 - 08/08/11 12:25 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Henri,

Very good! Turn up the volumn! I could barely hear you. you had some good points, but I didn't hear them all.

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367708 - 08/08/11 12:35 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Henri,

I saw you in the Military Post.
I also saw all you videos and you discussed about being truthful to yourself and others. If you go on the Military or Introduction Posts you will notice one of our Brothers is not being honest with his wife. 35 years of marriage and she has no clue he is CSA. She also does not know he was in the Air Force and has a Honorable Discharge. Your videos are motivational; I have told him to watch them, he says he has, but no comments.
Your input is important to this subject.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367712 - 08/08/11 02:13 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA 2 (triggers) [Re: Lo Don]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I appreciate your input. I will annunciate better. Thanks.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
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