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#36723 - 10/27/06 02:27 AM My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Hello all,
I just joined this site so be patient for any of my mistakes. I am 41 married with a 9 year old girl. I work as a RN and spend most free time homeschooling our daughter while my wife pursues her PhD.

At the age of 12 I was sexually molested twice by my 17 year old sister. She masturbated my penis two times in two differant beds in the house. She also groomed me for the events masturbating her self tens of times with the door open. I have another sister who was 19 at the time. I am the youngest. Basically the events devestated me although like most I found a small area in my memory bank for it. In other words it set me on a horrible path of behavior dysfunction for years all the while I never totally put 1 + 1 together. As my acting out became more and more personaly intolerable I realized what had led me astray. I couldn't believe how much I was in denial of what happened. I suppose alot had to do with being a male survivor of incest. Anyway I could go on forever. Oh yeh it also affected my marriage.

Anyway I finally sought out treatment 2 years ago to terrible results. I have now sought out help and my treatment has been incredible. I now know I have a long road to hoe....

I have a question... I am planning on confronting my abuser during the holidays. Obviously it is tricky in that my abuser is my sister who also visits my parents at the same time. Ever since I woke up and decided that I was a victim of a horrific crime I ask myself how do I relate inside of the house. In other words after confronting my sister (I still don't know who or when she may have been molested) how do I even breath her air. In other words her essence makes me sick. Excuse my vulgar words but believe me I feel worse about her. How do I contine on during the holidays like everything is kosher within the family???


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#36724 - 10/27/06 03:51 AM Re: My story....
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Daniel,
Welcome to MS. Sorry you have to be here, but glad you are. It sounds like you have made some progress in therapy.
I'm impressed that you feel you are ready to confront your sister. Are you sure this is something you are ready to do? If it is, Ken Singer, the MS website therapist has written some really good articles on all this stuff.
My only caution is that it could indeed rip your family apart. But, I totally understand that you can't continue to pretend the elephant in the middle of the room doesn't exist. Not sure I have any words of wisdom here. Other than here to support, listen, and talk.
Welcome.
Paul


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#36725 - 10/27/06 04:09 AM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Paul,
Thank the god you responded. Ever since 3 months ago when I admitted to myself that I needed help and found a wonderful therapist I have needed more and more to talk to people. The problem is the only one I talk to about this is my shrink. She is wonderful. By the way it is free since I WAS at risk with my sexual behavior the local county via fed money pays for folks like myself. So it has been a gift from god my shrink. She is the first person the 3 decades of torture that has believed me and validated what happened. I have been cold turkey now for 2 months of so called sex addiction. My marriage has peace for the moment.
Anyway back to your response...I mean the question is do I pretend that this family of mine exists? In other words what family is it when I was sexually molested and it was completely glossed over, you know what I mean. Can the family evolve in a good way if I challenge the sex offender? On the other hand will this lead to more secrets in the family??
I will read Singer's stuff.
peace Daniel


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#36726 - 10/27/06 04:14 AM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Paul,
Thank the god you responded. Ever since 3 months ago when I admitted to myself that I needed help and found a wonderful therapist I have needed more and more to talk to people. The problem is the only one I talk to about this is my shrink. She is wonderful. By the way it is free since I WAS at risk with my sexual behavior the local county via fed money pays for folks like myself. So it has been a gift from god my shrink. She is the first person the 3 decades of torture that has believed me and validated what happened. I have been cold turkey now for 2 months of so called sex addiction. My marriage has peace for the moment.
Anyway back to your response...I mean the question is do I pretend that this family of mine exists? In other words what family is it when I was sexually molested and it was completely glossed over, you know what I mean. Can the family evolve in a good way if I challenge the sex offender? On the other hand will this lead to more secrets in the family??
I will read Singer's stuff.
peace Daniel


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#36727 - 10/27/06 06:40 AM Re: My story....
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Daniel,

Welcome to our circle here. So sorry you have the need, but glad you found us. I'm sure you've discovered by now that there are a bunch of great guys here. I hope you too are able to find what you are looking for.

You asked a question about confrontation. Paul referred to and article by Ken Singer regarding that subject. Here's the link to that article. Confrontation and Disclosure

Again, welcome and glad you're here.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#36728 - 10/27/06 07:13 AM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
John,
Thanks for your kind words. I never knew there was even hope in my morass. I was sex and porno seeking for years. It was horriffic. In a few short months with a wonderful T I have found that I was never crazy afterall. I have been dry for two months of cruisin although look at internet porno everyday. But I am being safe to my loved ones and have hope of even better days. Thank god I have this T who validates me as a member of sanity. That being said I am going through unbelievable rage and anger at what happened to me. I have always had the RAGE but never reflected on what happened to me moment by moment those fateful days.
peace Daniel


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#36729 - 10/27/06 08:18 AM Re: My story....
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Daniel,

Welcome to male Survivor.

Confrontation is a huge step! I'm not discouraging it, but just cautioning you to be fully prepare yourself for all the possiblities. It is very important to know what you are looking for and how to deal with things if they do not go as planned.

I confronted the man who abused me 5 1/2 years ago. It was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. It really jump started my recovery efforts. But I was fully prepared for the woste case senario (that he would totally deny everything). I didn't need a confession or an apology. All I needed was to have an hour of face to face time to tell him what he did to me and how he ruined my life. I couldn't care less if he denied it, because I knew, that he knew, he molested me! Fortunately, my confrontation went better than I expected.

All that being said, my situation did NOT involve a family member so please be careful and prepare yourself.

Again, welcome to Male Survivor. You will find a lot of support here. I'm glad you found us!

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#36730 - 10/27/06 10:27 AM Re: My story....
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
welcome daniel my brother had his way with me as a child my dad was aware of this it was all swept under the rug...i tried talking to my brother about it a few years ago....what a waste of time....be strong steve


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#36731 - 10/27/06 07:48 PM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Hi ya all,
Thanks for all the responses. This is the first year of my recovery and as stated earlier am 2 months dry of cruisin and it is tough. On the other hand I can now feel the pain that I drowned in sex for close to 3 decades.

I am rather surprised or shocked at folks response to me wanting to confront my abuser. I understand the NEED to take it slowly etc and the so called dangers. Most importantly I understand ultimately I need to take care of myself. In other words my abuser lives on but I have to live with myself. That being said I am somewhat confused by peoples pleasant words of caution.
I now realize I was a victim of two outrageous crimes and I aim to call an eye for eye. In other words tell the abuser what she did, and draw lines FINALLY. It is very difficult but I can't see how it would make anything worse?? I hate her and want to call her on what happened and then move on to take care of myself.
By the way she still torments me by keeping the bathroom door open when she goes to the bathroom. Thankfully I only see her one time a year.
daniel


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#36732 - 10/27/06 08:40 PM Re: My story....
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Daniel,
I am so glad you're posting here. Please remember, that we are all on your side here. I, for one, will totally support whatever decision you make. Really, the only caution I have is that you are prepared for the worst case scenario with the disclosure. But listen, NO ONE, especially me, is going to give you instructions or preach - it's just out of love and concern, ok? We have all felt the rage, the betrayal, the anger, etc. My T is always harping on me to take care of myself and watch our for myself more than anything. After all the pain, we need to look after ourselves. You deserve that too. i carried my abuse for 40 years. I was repeatedly raped by a teenager when I was 5-6 years old. I carried that shame and guilt all this time until just last May when my wife confronted me about my "secret life" of acting out. It nearly ended my marriage. But in so many ways, it felt like such a relief to get it out and not carry the secret anymore. I started therapy and have come a long way since then, but still have hard patches. i'd never go back. Sorry to ramble.
Paul


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#36733 - 10/27/06 09:08 PM Re: My story....
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Daniel - I don't know how it is that we find this place, but we do find it.

The people here are the best you will find anywhere, and we all have concern for each other.

Ultimately we can read what is written here, seek advice and even give advice.

When it comes to our own recovery, we have to make up our own minds, what is best for us. None of us can tell another what they must do., so you are the one that must decide what your next step is in recovery - we will support you as you do that, whatever it is.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#36734 - 10/30/06 06:03 AM Re: My story....
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Daniel,

Welcome to MS. Iím glad you are already getting the support of fellow survivors. As has been said already, whether you confront your sister or not, it sounds like not much will change in her response to you anyway. Isnít she still Ďabusingí you by using the toilet and leaving the door open in full view of you? Thatís known as covert abuse. I donít see her changing that behaviour just because you confront her.

You mention that you want to let it all out for your sake and thatís fine for you. Just donít get your hopes up that she will change as a result of the confrontation. It seems unlikely.

You mention that you Ďonlyí have to see once per year. My abuser was my older brother. If I can read between the lines here Daniel, it seems that even this once per year gathering is still pretty upsetting for you. I know that it is or was for me. I made a decision many years ago that I would no longer attend the annual family gathering if my brother was going to be there. I needed to do that for myself. I havenít confronted him nor told my family. I donít feel to yet and donít know if I ever will. Thatís a separate issue for me. More important was how being in my brothers presence made me feel. I needed to take care of myself.

I know youíll make the right decision for yourself.


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#36735 - 10/30/06 07:02 AM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Grunty,

Hey thanks fo responding. I wanted to send this back as a private reply but don't know how to navigate here as I am new. Know how to send a private one? Please instuct me.

My sis?? My T and the books talk of taking the power back. Well that is my intention. Knowing her and her abuse she will immediately try and lock me into the thousandsth toe for toe abusive fight.

THis time for the first time my ideal is to say my piece and walk away. I want to set the lines. I wonder if she will close the bathroom as this does get me nauses as it reminds me of the dirt or stain she made me feel for 3 decades.

But hey I had a question. Is it possible abusers can just learn on their own.. In other words it could be possible she was not abused herself?? I am new to this recovery stuff so I have loads of questions. For ex. if she was done by my dad or step uncle what are the chances she will reveal this? When does this revealing if at all occurr. What percent rounghly of abusers are sexually abused themselves.??

peace Daniel...


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#36736 - 10/30/06 10:03 PM Re: My story....
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Daniel,

Quote:
I wanted to send this back as a private reply but don't know how to navigate here as I am new. Know how to send a private one? Please instuct me.
If you want to reply or communicate privately with someone, look for that line of icons at the top of his post. Click on the middle one, the one with the envelope and the image of one figure passing something to another. That will open the box for a PM, or private message.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#36737 - 11/03/06 09:26 AM Re: My story....
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Daniel,

I sent you a PM. Did you get it OK?

Bruce


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#36738 - 11/04/06 07:57 PM Re: My story....
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Daniel I hope you are doing ok, talk to you soon.

Hugs

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#36739 - 11/06/06 04:11 PM Re: My story....
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Daniel,

my bf was SA by his sister at a very young age 4 or 6, he can't remember. He decided to confront her by email. She had a bit of therapy, then told their parents, which was initially what he said he needed to happen. Since then, he has chosen to only communicate with his parents by email and no communication with his sister. Turns out she was abused first by a babysitter. This did confuse the feelings for bf initially. The whole fact of communication/confrontation does seem to bring with it all kinds of confusions and distractions from his own healing. But, at the same time, I think he's relieved he no longer has to pretent everything's fine. He no longer feels obliged to visit/join in family get togethers. The secret is out.

His sister did acknowledge the abuse. She did appologise to a satisfactory degree. All by letter. But still, he does not want contact with her, which I support him fully in choosing. It is all very hard, but I continue to support him in honouring his own feelings.

He has felt very relieved by the fact his parents have decided to seek therapy for himselves. But still these family situations are so emotionally draining and complex.

I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do.

peace
Beccy


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#36740 - 11/07/06 05:47 AM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Becc.
Could you send me a private reply? I am interested in what you say but I don't know how to send a private reply.
thanks daniel


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#36741 - 11/07/06 06:49 PM Re: My story....
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
DS,

I was raped by my older sister. She literally grabbed my penis and forced it into her. This when on for about two years until she left home. I was 12-13 at the time and still 5 years away from puberty. Later, in my 20s I confronted her about it, mainly because I wanted to confirm in my own mind that it really did happen. She confirmed it, but said I was just as much to blame because I had an erection at the time. I now regret having even brought it up. However, although there was no apology, I did get confirmation that the events happened. And that is worth something.


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#36742 - 11/07/06 06:54 PM Re: My story....
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
Actually, the context/reason why I wanted validation was that I was trying to understand my homosexual orientation. I had thought that this and an incestuous relationship with my mother was the 'cause' of my orientation.


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#36743 - 11/07/06 08:46 PM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
K,
That sounds horrible your sis and her actions to you. Excuse my French but your sis and her thing with your erection is no defense for sexual abuse as I am sure you know. That is our "handicap" abusers can use as a wildcard.


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#36744 - 11/08/06 01:02 AM Re: My story....
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Daniel,

It is important to confront your sister when you feel the time is right. It is important that you do not pressure yourself to confront her too early or you may not get the results you want. I prepared mine like a speech. What do you want to say to her? Be ready for little tactics perps use to get out of the blame or try to minimize the horrible thing that they did to you. Sometimes confrontations for this don't go right the first time and must be repetitive.

Your moving in the right direction, Keep it up.
Jason

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#36745 - 11/08/06 01:28 AM Re: My story....
Daniel Singer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Texas
Jason,
I decided to email a letter. We see each other on the avg 1 t/year. Dec. is coming soon and I was preparing a face to face. During this time I have been throwing everything possible at my dad trying to get answers. Typically nothing came out. I feel less stressed since I decided to write this letter. It will help things move "forward" in some way or fashion. At the least this outlet no longer requires maximum effort to my father and his wall. Also I really don't know if I had it in me to confront my sister to her face. I think the fact it was incest adds a strange and perverted twist to it all. If it had been someone outside the family (I don't mean to negate anyone out there) things would have a differant challenge.
peace d


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