John,

I'm sorry everything is going the way it is. It seems sometimes it is so hard to catch a break in this life.

Andy

Ok, back up, stop paying for college, get the daughter some help, leave your wife until you know you, and love your other two as much as possible..perhaps they, your kids, are acting that way because they feel that they don't know you, and you don't know them?
Until you are authentic and true to yourself, which will help clear a lot up, no one else knows who you are.
That being said..40k college and tantruming, it's called boundaries, establish some, wife yelling at you, leave you deserve more and believe it or not so does she. The other two, whatever and whoever you truly are needs to respond to them and tell them that it's a bit crazy right now, but Daddy loves them and nothing will ever change that.. If your therapist ain't workin, get another..grow some balls and get going, stop getting kicked...for gods sake, there is joy, happiness,love,excitement, passion, laughter all out there and what you have allowed yourself to become is not the person you are..GET GOING!! And any "other" way out, is an awful legacy for your kids, plus, ITS NOT THE ANSWER!!
I know, bend there dome that, and sometimes relapse....get going, get going get going

Wow, Andy. Just read "If I could meet myself..." I was really touched by it. How I wish it could be so. I felt so alone then, and feel so alone now. It was a powerful piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it.

Peace,

John

I hoped it helped in some way, John.

John,

My heart really went out to you when I just read this. My initial reactions match up to what Sailboat92 wrote to you. If your daughter is going to throw things at you with one hand and still extend the other for money I would cut her of. She can get a job, save money and then take a course here and there. This entitlement mentality is not going to do her any good in the long run of her life. You do not deserve to be treated this way and she is no longer a child. I advise holding her accountable for her behavior. If you feel she needs help then that is a good idea. It does not sound like she is ready for college.

Your wife's behavior is simply showing the kids it is acceptable to abuse others no matter who they happen to be. I do not know if she would be willing to go to marriage counseling in order for someone from the outside to show her this damaging behavior.

I know it is easy to feel guilty for setting boundaries with others - especially family members. But it is necessary to not only maintain but actually learn to live our lives more. You deserve solid boundaries like anyone else does.

I am so sorry for the pain your are in right now.


Daryl

John our families are co dependents to our recovery. I know as much as you feel pain you realize some in your home are acting out too.

If you observed this in one of your students at school what would you do? My hunch is some family based counseling would be suggested.

Keep at it. You know that you matter. You know they do as well.

Keith

John,

I appreciate your sharing more in-depth about your family situation. It sounds very complicated with many factors involved that have nothing to do with you. You do have much to consider with whatever you do. I hope your therapist becomes more helpful and can offer some suggestions or insight. In the meantime as you offer understanding to these family members I hope you remember that it is okay for you to keep your boundaries intact.

You certainly are in my thoughts.


Daryl

John,

I have nothing to say that will make you feel better. I don't face the same kind of abuse you're feeling from your family. My wife continues to point out to me that I am no longer reliable, that I contribute little to our lives in comparison to what she brings. She's trying to make me see reality as she sees it. I can't say she's wrong. I wish I could.

I've taken to driving without my seatbelt in hopes that someone will hit my car and I will be allowed to die. My children are young, and I am convinced that leaving or killing myself would do them harm, so I don't. But I wonder how long it will be before they start to realize that I'm not like the other dads and begin to hold me in the contempt my wife feels for me.

All I can say is I feel the same desire for a way out of a situation from wihch there seems no legitimate escape. The only thing that helps me is distraction. I try to keep my mind occupied and off my sad thoughts. When I can actually do that I can go minutes and maybe even hours without wishing I was dead.

Your allowing the abuse to win, and this is the fight of your life. You are too beautiful, incredible, loving, funny, smart, and unique to let the bully win this- fight, fight fight...feel, feel, feel ,feel!

There is light, I know- don't let that fucking bully beat you, your too strong, believe me, we all are, more than we ever knew.

Get some oil and start figuring it out, so you can get out from the rock and hard place.

I lived in Bristol for two years. I still live in the rural South. I understand your situation.

I think Sailboat gave you some sound advice when he told you to start talking to the younger kids. Don't leave them without at least an acknowledgement that they are living in chaos. Give them something to hope about. Don't let them imagine they are the fault for the horror show.

My wife's mother said her only regret about her divorce settlement was that she didn't get a Jewish lawyer who could have caused her ex more pain. I know I'd face the same loss of kids ifI pushed for custody, too. It was a learned behavior. What amazes me about my wife, though, is that in all her hostility and fear, she is also capable of tolerance. She wants to have hope, and that gives me a little tiny bit of hope.

She married an executive with a six figure salary. Within a year of our wedding I had begun the downhill slide. It was gradual, but now, 12 years later, the descent ihas left us kiving nothing that resembles the loives we thought we would have together. She did not get what she bargained for and it's been very hard for her. That doesn't excuse some of her tactics and cruelty, but it helps me understand. And so I guess I'm saying that while everyone is saying ditch your wife, I understand it's just not that simple.

Tarheel put your bloody seatbelt on man!

Right now Tar, John and Boat are posting very similar threads about abuse & family effect. Stings like a Son of a Bitch for sure.

Don't accept it. Want to make a list of what is wrong with us, our wives, our kids, our dogs, our jobs our neighbors? Ok, go at it. We will all fill up pages. Abused ot not any human being can do that.

Do the opposite. Ask what is right instead. Our lists are long.

Man I would love to see each of you in this post come back and acknowledge to each of us what we have done right in life.

I will but you all need to first.

The real deal for us all is here and today. The shit that happened to us all as kids is done.

But we own now......

Tarheal, I know that feeling. The only thing that stopped my attempt a couple of years ago was it ruled a suicide, my family would not get my life insurance. I don't want to hurt them anymore than I already have. But I walk around hoping I'll keel over from an aneurism or something. (sigh)

Peace,

John

John, Those are amazing accomplishments. It's amazing to me what some wives do not appreciate in a man.

John,
My heart goes out to you. You are a good man with so much to offer. I understand your thought process on protecting your family, but you are part of the family that needs protecting. I agree with many of the others here that you need to take a stand and not let other's disfunction rule your life.

Until my wife was the victim of a pedestrian hit and run two years ago which has left her disabled, she ran the house in every way. It only appeared that I was the one in control. I was forced to step up and take over when this all happened and through couples counseling since then, we have found a more equal balance of power in our relationship.

Being abused as a child left me unable to stand up for myself, only others. I have started to stand up for myself and not feel the guilt. This has caused a major change in my family structure with my two sons and their wives. But they are adjusting as I am.

Your support has always helped me in the past when I was going through dark days. I only hope that you hear all of your brothers here and know that we are with you in your struggle.

John the work you do with school kids alone says you are one hell of a man.

I refuse to believe your kids do not see that. I say they do. You more than others know how tough teens and young adults can be on us Dads.

No long ago I heard my middle kid (she kicks my A$$ constantly) say behind my back "I give my Dad shit, but he's always there for me and I always listen to him". Trust me, it was the last thing I expected to hear.

I hope it is the same in your home. Its hard but sometimes its really better than our survior brains let us see.

Be well.

John,

Maybe it's been a little helpful to actually write this stuff down. So thank you for providing the catalyst. I just worry that there will be a divorce and my wife will turn this computer over to someone who knows better how to see what I've done than I know to hide it.

Today was a little bit better. i had a lot to do and so I didn't realize how much I hate myself as often as I do on the really horrible days.

I still keep coming back to the fact that i never tried to stop my cousin. I wasn't afraid of him. I did what he asked willingly. I didn't want it to end. I see no way to forgive myself for that.

I really did not want to see this thread when I got home. Nothing sends me into a tail-spin like cruelty from those whom we ought to rely upon.

John, you know what I've been through with my wife and her lawyer, family and all the lovely the town's people. Lorie (ex wife) is in need of serious surgery and guess who is driving her to her hosp at 6:15 AM tomorrow? Guess who has let all that hurt just flow-away. Guess who has taken ownership of all that is wrong in this world.

What is it about US and THEM? The US crowd seems to have all the tolerance, understanding and forgiveness in this world. The blessed few whom move through life relatively unscathed own the luxury of beating the shit out of US.

I'm fkg sick of it all. I'm sick of US being the ones who make everything work. I agree with Sailor. EXIT...stage-right. Let THEM feel and truly experience what we contribute to their lives even if our paint don't shine just quite right.

EDIT:

Its "betrayal." Betrayal comes quite easily to so many. I hate betrayal and I really fkg hate betrayers. There's a special place in the bible for betrayers. They are the worst type. They are what un-does everything, no matter what the foundation..no matter how much effort goes into the construction of the good. Betrayers have a lot to account for. I hope death-bed realization and regret comes first.

*sigh*

We continue to be the sponges that soak-up all the blood...even if it's our own. We yield, we bare burdens, we take blame, we eat all the shit sandies they can make and place before us. We do all that to keep the peace that we feel in our very core, is required for our own survival.

Its part of our fkg fabric...so yeah...THAT'LL happen!...