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#366903 - 07/29/11 11:29 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You got me wrong, your my hero! You never were in the Air Force; you are an anigma! You work for the CIA! Before I got married, I was going to do the same thing, never let my future wife no anything! I considered it for months. How do I explain having men enter me while they hold my legs up in a V? Sitting on the floor while a man is sitting on my lap bobbing up and down while I am licking on his member. Or going doggy style with a man's nuts slamming against mine, like wringing bells. Hard to explain to a woman. I did explain, not the best moment in my life. I had to tell her of my sex addiction, details of my sex acts, while my eyes glossed, not by tears. I thought it wouldn't be fair to her. I told her that everytime I make love to her, my mind was having filthy sex with Uncle. It was a necessary discussion! When her father was dieing she was donating blood to him. I had to tell her that because of my homosexual past, she better rethink, giving him blood. She was bullistic!!! That conversation I would have loved to avoid, but instead I man'd up, took all the heat and was brutally honest with most of my oral and anal sex acts. She did not donate blood to him, but I was on notice with her for quite some time. Ellen now understands me; she insists 'No affairs with men, along with women!'. I do that, we are much closer for my brutal honesty. We car pool, do everything together; we do not swing. In my mind, swinging could not hold a candle to the swinging my balls did when I was just a kid!
Triggers: I ask men; "Do you want me to lay on my back; do you want me to lay on my stomach?" "Do you like it when I stand, or do you wish me to bend over, or do I do you on my knees; I'll do anything you wish. I was considered a throw away kid, I was dirty and versatile! I got no food, but I did it for 3 days with no Union breaks! I did get alcohol to loosen me up; (like I needed that). No weed, but I told me wife I was very high and numb at the time. I was actually very lucid and aware.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366905 - 07/29/11 01:12 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You see yourself in 'The Wall' Pink Floyd with your parents. I see myself in 'Us and Them' Pink Floyd 'Dark Side of the Moon'. This was a song written about one of the founding members who went insane. He did several of the 1st albums, but was too far gone for 'Dark Side of the Moon' or 'The Wall' or any of the albums after. I feel the insanity they sang about, feeling temporary insanity through ACID, but with nothing in my system, I felt his brain dripping, and how easy it can be for me to institutionalized. I never was suicidal, but crazy was always a posibility. Ny job kept me sane and in touch with reality. Having clients who had problems far worse than I could ever imagine, brought me back; I thought "You spoiled 'lil shit! There's nothing wrong with you, don't make shit up!!!!
Back to point: Jeff, don't misunderstand me, do what you need to do, to get you where you want. I am only giving you tools to do what I thought you needed to do. You talked about your wife overseeing the bills and you feared her seeing a receipt. I instantly thought the VA! No bills, only for Veterans which I read you were. Don't wanna do VA; up to you. I know I can lead you to water, but I can't force you to drink. I do care, but we can just talk, without you fearing me putting you in a VA institution. That ain't my job; I am just seeking people who have things in common with me and we can share our pain. Talking to helps me a great deal, and we can just leave it at that. Don't think about therapy at the VA, just think about 2 kids who got abused only 100 miles from each other. We forever share that time and position. My 'experience' was in Atlantic City, seeing my blood relatives for the 1st time. Their Uncle, asked to have my younger brother help him on his night routes to local grocery stores delivering produce in a bobtail truck. He went with Uncle 6 times before he told my Aunt he would not go and ran off. She nominated me (Not having any idea what she was doing, putting me in harms way), we did some deliveries, when night fell, he scooted me closer to him, zipped my fly down, feeling me inside my underwear, while he pushed it down toward the flood and beat me off. I had no clue, he asked me if this feels good, I said "Ya" I began to feel funny inside, then I erupted, he never stopped beating me off. I felt it run down my pants on my shoes and the floor. He did the same thing to me on the our last route. I got tired, I laid on his lap, when I woke, his boner was rubbing my nose! I didn't touch it, didn't what was going on, eventhough I got it 2 times, I thought I pee'd. He said it was too late to bring me home, so he took me to his house, where I never slept! I learned how to jack a man off, he showed me how to orally satisfy a man, had me apply my new learned skill on him after he did me. By morning I was graduated to doing and getting 'back door'. Still it more months to learn all the positions. He was up for the challenge. When he took me home in the morning, he was inside my zipper, pulled me out and worked it like I had a bone for him, when my brother came up on my side of the truck, saw my meat sticking up with his hand pounding it. He pulled me out of the truck, said 'Bye' to Uncle, hid us behind a tree, stuck my boner back in my pants and zipped me back up, took me in the house, brought me in the bathroom, I stripped as he drew a bath, and went to the bedroom, got me clean clothes. He told me that was why he did not want to go back to Uncle. Now we had a problem, we could not tell my Aunt, we just met these people. So we decided to get abused together. and be there for each other for 3 months. We were releaved to leave the east coast, back to the mid west. My Foster Parents got a call from my relatives, asking for the boys to come back next summer. We begged our Foster Parents not to send us back. They asked why? We looked at each other, we said nothing! That's final, you boys are going to the east coast to see your real relatives! Great! 3 more months of being raped!!! Our Social Worker told us, it will be healthy for you boys! Healthy for who, we wondered? My Brother and I received a PhD in Hand Jobs, Oral Pleasuring, & corn holing! With a minor in positions, and group banging.The group was always on the both of us!
To much info?
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366909 - 07/29/11 03:34 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:36 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#366924 - 07/29/11 04:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Still mulling over your feelings of guilt about choices you made. It matters to me because I made similar choices, and want to forgive myself. When I told parts of my story on this site, other guys pointed out that it wasnít my fault. I broke down and wept reading their responses. (Your insistence on blaming yourself is making it hard on me!) I want to believe I was having sex with older men at a young age because the rest of my life was screwed up, not because I chose to be bad, or Iím an innately bad person. Yeah, I enjoyed the sex. Hell, I initiated it. But what I really wanted at 13, was a father.

You were in a dire situation. Your parents didnít nurture you. You found a way to survive. You lost your innocence quickly. Your fault? I donít think so. You made choices, yes. So what if you got into the role and grew to like it? You were admired. You felt wanted. (The same reasons I did it.) You didnít just decide at 13 to be a prostitute. That decision was made for you. You adapted. If your caretaker had been a healthy disciplinarian who made you channel your energies into sports and school, you probably wouldíve excelled in those areas and never considered prostituting yourself. If you made choices, Jeff, it was within the very limited realm of options you were faced with.

Your guilt is like the person who manages to save only one of two kids from a burning building. If the roofís collapsing, you have to get out of there. Yes, itís a shame you couldnít have saved both kids, but itís certainly not your fault. You didnít start the fire. You didnít ask for bad parents or for a surrogate father who turns out to be a pimp. That was the situation that presented itself to you. You didnít invent it. Within those circumstances, you made choices that allowed you to survive. Your innocence burned in the fire. Thatís not your fault.


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#366929 - 07/29/11 06:17 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Don't you worry 'bout me! I feel the thread has given my sanity as well as yours!
I am very sorry you have been effedted by this economy; so many people have. I just wrote to my Congressman to sign the stinken bill and chop our economy when we are not putting our credit on the line! You have many things going on, your there for your entire family like a rock! I solute you! As Mr. diftwood suppested; forgive yourself, we do. He also said what he was looking for when he was 13 was a Father, I was too. Like you I found one who took care of my Brother and I; we loved him and we pleased him beyond what a real son would do as you did. A real father would never want to see your boner, or do positions of humiliation. We all found the 'Anti Father'! Father doesn't lick your loins, pull on your nuts. They support you in school, sports, never seeing your private parts, unless your changing, or going for a swim. This took me awhile to figure out. My next father, would like me to blow him? I can do that, but that is not a father, that is a preditor! Driftwood has some other good comments in other threads I read and posted in here previously. I am not a person who shows great wisdom, or any wisdom. I have a great sense of humor, not restraint and at work, I am a poor civil servant. My clients love that 'cause I am not politically correct, or follow the usual path of my co workers. Saying that I have a case load 5 times larger than my next co worker. I get referrals from my old customers, I work along with my customers and not set the loose out in the working world without proper skills they can use to their advantage. I also utilize people like Driftwood who can provide things that I lack, or do not see, the they obtain a 3 dimensional approach in service. Thanx Driftwood, I have read your stuff, I could never be a thorough as you. You possess insight. We are brothers in coming out of an ugly childhood.
I'm still your Bro Jeff,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366935 - 07/29/11 07:33 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff,& Driftwood,
I am not ganging up on you. I am behind your decision, what ever you do. I will not give up on you. That is what I like about this website; we're all screwed up! I refer to the Bible (don't stand too close, I could go up in flames!) . . . judge not, for yee shall be judged . . . . I have been judged and judged by religious people and I have a place in Haitis when I die. I will be burning and groped for eternity. I do not want to do that to you; I will support you in any direction you chose.
Our friend Driftwood is way more eliquent than me, and I see him telling you things with more clarity than I could ever do. I won't say this anymore, Driftwood is on your side, he is not beating you up. I take much of what he is saying and applying it to Don as well.
Foarer Parents came and went; they did not give a shit about me, but they never put their hands on my shoulders and f*^k'd me standing, or squeezing my nuts to extract a few more drops out of my penis. No, they did not screw me, Uncle and his buddies did that, piling up on me 3 deep. That is not love; so I got to thank all of my Foster Parents for not putting their hands inside my pants and jacking me off! I sought more attention than what they gave me and got it with an abundance!!!!
I am doin OK on the left coast, wish I could do more for you. right now, I will write to you and have Driftwood be the sane one.
I am not the person you want to use as an example; unless, you are doing a project on the most demented person of the century.
I think you are fine. OK, you resemble me! That's not good. anyway, I am hear for you!
I admire what you are doing to caring for your entire family. You, is what you needed for a father, when you were growing up. My hat is off to you, and I hope you recover fron foreclosure. We are upside down, having to make payments on a house that now is worth less than we owe! We will get through this together!
Like you, I discovered the mess I was in, when in May something brought this all to the front of my mind. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I know we here that expression all of the time; well it did, and I went through a Great Depression, seeing my past bad behavior before me. Through wisdom of my therapist, I told all my friends and realatives. My wife had known for years. I no longer am on their speed dial and they do not take my calls, 'cause I sm now a freak! Some of my relatives asked me what did we do? One of them was molested by the same Uncle, so I figured he had the same experience. Well, I began to tell them about my 1st time in the truck, going down my fly; then I described some of our blow jobs, and him holding my ankle in a V while crashing into my butt, with his balls slamming my cheeks. What? No calls, no e-mails, letters. I called them to stay in touch; I said "Did we sleep together last night?" they said "No!" "Well then why don't you return my calls?" they still don't communicate like before, even my cousin Jerry who was raped like me. After all these years, I see it all in graphic detail. He may not.
Still wanna B friends?
Flawed,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366937 - 07/29/11 07:54 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:36 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#366938 - 07/29/11 08:05 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:37 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#366945 - 07/29/11 08:50 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Don't be concerned about me; I'll be fine! Nothing you say will hurt my feelings, unless you tell me you're sick and tired of my jokes. I then am absolutely crushed.
Here's a hug from me. No happy ending! I do enjoy our conversations.
I think Driftwood is disagreeing with your definition. He cares enough to write to you. Don't take it too much to heart. He is a man of clarity and reason. I lack big time in those areas! My philosophy has always been to be light, don't take me serious, 'cause I ain't got any of those bones in my body. Again, that is why I am able to have a large case load, I keep em smiling, while they going through adversity. No need to get heavy when the guy is suffering. I go for the smile, if it only lasts a few minutes. We work out the problem with funds from compensation, disability, GI Bill and GI Loan and more. Now we can work on their wellness. The stress has to be lessoned for the Vet to focus on getting a job,or going to school. There are sharper people than me, but I get more effective results and less pain.
Don't lose sleep on this! Listen to me! I'm the bureaucrat!!! I see his point, but do not need to see it driven. You agreed with him on his points, I think you two are coposcetic. You two are good. I hear him saying he is very similar to you and I. We are brothers, riding in the same bus that most people do not understand. All those degrading things you did, so did Driftwood, so did I. We all held on to our abuser's hair, pushing him deeper while getting a blow job. That makes us all the same if nothing else does. Forcing the man to gulp every drop before he lets our dicks go. I wanted it and liked it. It was not always, we got screwed from the man; we got our turns also.
This we have in common! I do not share that with my friends or relatives; both driftwood and I are sharing it with you; 'cause you have shared yours with us!!!!!!!
We're Brothers; Brothers argue,
Just a 3 hour difference,
I'm here for you, I solve problems for Veterans who have barriers to employment. It may take time, but I am patient,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366946 - 07/29/11 09:11 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Hey Jeff! Guess who? The other night my wife and I saw the play 'Oliver'. He was an orphan, put out on the streets, doing what he had to do to survive. I see you there, as he was on the streets. Later, he was taken in be a kind man (no sex) at least in the play. My belief in that day and age it was common for a boy to get raped for food and shelter, along with robbing. You are Oliver! Oliver was safe and secure with this man.
where are you in your foreclosure? Does your son have medical insurance? You should not have all of this crap piled on you.
Don't give up on us! Lean on me!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
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