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#366615 - 07/26/11 11:42 AM Having kids with a survivor
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Surely there are a few who can share their experiences.
My husband wants to have kids much more than I do but due to our age we don't have that much time anymore to take a decision.
I'm apprehensive to the whole idea of starting a family with a csa survivor who's not really sorting things out.
I'd also welcome thoughts from survivors!


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#366627 - 07/26/11 03:11 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: Shawushka]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I have had this same issue...feeling like I'm running out of time but he had not started sorting things out. It's a rock and a hard place, but I just kept reminding myself that if I brought kids into this world when we weren't both healthy, it wouldn't be fair to the kids. It's really hard for me to say that because I very much wanted to have children with him.


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#366628 - 07/26/11 03:28 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: hopeandtry]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 241
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
I was young when we had our children. I was a father at the age of 24 when I was still in grad school. I didn't "fall apart" until my abuser died when I was 31, after our second child was born. I am sure that I was not the best father for them, but then who is? I can say that I have great relationships with my two sons as well as my three grandsons. My wife and I really enjoy the time we can spend with our family.

It is really an individual choice (an a big decision) to have children and should not be taken lightly. I don't think anyone is every "healthy" enough to have children. My therapist tells me that all children will have issues as they grow older with their parent's skills.

I remember reading all the books about how to do things the "right way". I have learned over the decades that those theories change regularly.

I wish you both luck in your decision process. My only suggestion is: have you discussed this with your therapists? Also, couples therapy is very helpful in sorting out the decisions as well.

All the best in your healing!

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#366629 - 07/26/11 03:33 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: ACRoberts]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I agree that no one is perfectly healthy, but sometimes there are situations that are REALLY unhealthy...that's what I was trying to say, at least. I don't at all think that just because someone is a survivor who isn't in therapy, that he/she will be a bad parent. I think one of the main concerns is whether the relationship between the parents is healthy...if the parents aren't happy and are fighting all the time, it won't be good for the child. I know my ex would have been a great father in a lot of ways, therapy or not.


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#366637 - 07/26/11 04:10 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: Shawushka]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I am a female survivor married to a male CSA who went on to molest. I don't want to mentally think about protecting a child 24/7 even if I wasn't married to Adam. It's not like the world is unpopulated. You could be a big sister and make all the difference in some kid's life. I just feel like adding kids to an emotional dysfunctional family is like throwing lighter fluid on a camp fire. I will tell you, I come from a family where the babies are not sweet and cute, they are up all nighter screamers and bratty toddlers because they are way too smart and smart ass teenagers who don't outgrow it until like 20. And it's not that I am anti-child but why fan the flames anymore? And Adam feels the same way. You can PM me if you want.

Katie


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#366721 - 07/27/11 08:21 AM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: katie1205]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
ACRoberts, that were some wise words you wrote there!
In the past I've always thought that there are enough kids in the world and that I would be happy to adopt or be a foster parent and do some good to kids who are already in this world.
Unfortunately those opportunites are now out of question.
I do think that my partner would make a fantastic father and we do have a grounded, good relationship.
My main concern is if the change in life that a kid brings may knock him off his feet, or that this is a subconcious tactic to avoid dealing with his csa.
I'm also terrified that he may go into therapy but then have a meltdown and I'd be there with a small baby and a husband to look after. He's the main breadwinner and we are thousands of miles away from family and friends. That would already be an issue for me if there wasn't any csa in the picture!


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#366750 - 07/27/11 05:14 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: Shawushka]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Shawushka
There are so many factors to consider.
Fact: less than 1% of survivors will go on to abuse or physically hurt a child.
Most survivors do however develop one of the following. Alcoholism, some sort of addiction, Porn,sex, drugs, internet dating, or internet relationships. Rage is also another big one for survivors. So, although we don't get physical, our words and deeds can be just as damaging.
I recon that this is the time to get him to think about treatment. If he has disclosed to you about the CSA, then you should inform him that you will consider having kids if he starts treatment with a qualified counselor.
My wife and I had a child, a beautiful Girl. she is now 11 and the light of my life. I was fortunate that I have healed and she is only 11. I can now have a decent relationship with her.
Before I would not touch her, I was distant and removed, never home, never loving and never involved in her life. Thank God that has all changed and I hope that its not to late, I can be the father that she deserves. I would hate to think what she would be like if I were not healed, SCARY.
Tough choice I hope my story helps with this decision a little.

God speed
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#366785 - 07/27/11 10:02 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: whome]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Shawushka.

I'm going to give this some thought and get back with you. My wife and I have had 5 children (2 deceased, the next is a college senior, then a 9th grader, and our youngest is 7). I'll reflect some then share what I see to be the pro's and con's.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#366792 - 07/27/11 11:57 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: Shawushka]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I'm not a CSA survivor so I can only relate the experiences of a father with ASA who is married to a woman with CSA.

First of all, you say that your husband wants to have children more than you do. Let's just say that CSA wasn't an issue at all. Would that affect how much you want to have children, or are there other forces at work affecting your desire to start a family? Are you ready physically and emotionally to make the sacrifices of motherhood? Your husband wants children, but is he emotionally mature enough to handle the the sacrifices involved with being a dad in addition to his other responsibilities (that I'm assuming he already has under control)? As a father to a 1-year old I can say that the crying at 3am, teething, and spit-up are all worth it because the joy of having a son is greater the stress. But you have to have the right heart for it, and love isn't always enough.

Another user mentioned that her husband has gone on to molest. Obviously that is something to rule out in considering whether to have children. You know the kind of man your husband is, but obviously you want your children growing up in a safe, abuse-free environment & it's important to be confident you can both provide that. The vast, vast majority of survivors of sexual abuse don't go on to abuse others sexually.

Another thing to consider is how much support you have from friends, houses of worship, community, extended family, in-laws and so on. Consider how willing you & your husband are to lean on others for support?

My wife chooses not to go to therapy for CSA, although she has been better about taking her medication. She still self-injures and if her environment causes her to feel particularly unsafe, she will sometimes completely lose touch with reality. Sometimes I feel like she's a ticking time bomb because she has matured in such a way where she is confident, high-achieving & personable on the outside but underneath that is a lot of unresolved abuse trauma that has been swept under a very attractive rug. Combine that with the sexual assault/rape I experienced and our family is a very delicate ecosystem, and in a lot of ways it would fall apart if it wasn't for a supportive extended family, mutual faith in God and hard, hard, very hard work.

Still, the joy my son gives me is greater than the stress, and watching my wife grow so much through her motherhood is also rewarding. My son is what kickstarted my recovery into gear and caused me to go to therapy. Children long so much to make their parents proud, but I hope that he will also have pride in who his parents are, rather than dwelling on who they could have been.

_________________________
ďIf a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.Ē

- Saint John of the Cross

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#366832 - 07/28/11 06:10 PM Re: Having kids with a survivor [Re: CruxFidelis]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
I'm mainly wondering how he would/could be affected by such a major change in life. We won't have friends or family around to lean on if the sh*t hits the fan.
He probably wouldn't be the first new parent who feels a bit overwhelmed with having to look after a little one and carrying that responsibiltiy and due to his csa he's a bit more fragile and prone to depression, anxiety, etc.


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