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#36670 - 01/23/03 11:35 PM Handling Rage and Anger
Enigma Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/07/03
Posts: 17
Loc: California
I need some ideas on how to handle (and process) some very intense anger and rage I know is in my future.

Some relevent detail (sorry if this descends into psychobabble):

I split into at least two emotional states at six when the physical and sexual abuse started. The first state is a very wounded, but fairly well intact six year old kid. I know him.

The second state operates at maybe a ten year old level, and is the recepticle for all the abuse and humiliations he endured. He is angry, hostile, paranoid; he can lash out inappropriately, can get out of control. He is also self-loathing and carries terrible shame and guilt. Up to now, I have avoided dealing with this part -- this "other" has been out of view.

So, it's now up to this rational 38 year old to mediate with this raging, very distrustful ten year old. Any ideas on how to positively process this emotional heap?

Thanks


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#36671 - 01/24/03 09:17 AM Re: Handling Rage and Anger
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Chris:

Try using the search feature to find some recent threads of posts that deal with topics that may be related & of some help to you: anger, the inner child, and dissociation/DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).

I'll just share that one common theory says SA survivors often get stuck in the emotional age & state they were at when they were abused. They of course can grow beyond that, but not at the right their body does, and only haltingly--at least until they begin to work on the acknowledgement, releasing, and embracing of that trapped inner child.

For me, this really started with Little Victor, who was stuck at around 6-8 years old (hard to tell, I was abused from at least 3-10), over Christmas when I rode the Central Park carousel in Manhattan that I rode as a child (re: "What a Vacation!" thread).

Little Victor has been very angry, and rightly so.
He was robbed of his childhood. The more I'm letting him live it, and living it with him, the less angry he gets.

I do this thru therapy (re: "A Major Breakthrough"
thread on my 2-chair therapy), riding carousels, watching cartoons and The Three Stooges, playing games. In short, I quit fighting acting like a kid
becuz I need to be one, in order to grow up healthy. You can't just skip childhood. No fun there!

Hope this helps some Chris. Take care. Have fun!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#36672 - 04/27/03 05:30 PM Re: Handling Rage and Anger
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Hi SFChris,

I am amazed at some similarities between us. I am struggling now at the same age as you with the anger and depression. I don't know for sure if this is the right way to look at things but at least it is food for thought.

1. I'm thinking you don't 'mediate' with a ten year old. He is a child, you are an adult. Be firm and yet loving with him. Help him to understand that nothing that he went through was acceptable or his fault and that the trauma that he went through is over and he can let the feelings out now in safety instead of holding them in.

2. I very much sublimate my feelings, (Anger, fear, self-loathing, shame, guilt, etc...) until I become overwhelmed with depression and release everything all at once. I also would just think CONSTANTLY! Replaying fantasies and anxieties in my head. I don't know if you are getting much exercise. Mine consisted of hitting the clubs, drugging out and having unsafe sex. My therapist STRONGLY encouraged me to do cardio at least so I started that and I am just starting Tai Chi as well. I'm hoping that this helps me to work through my feelings letting them surface when in therapy and out and be more patient with myself. So far, its does seem to be helping some. Maybe you should look into something like these. (Maybe letting the 10 year old out to play instead of just him having to work through the issues?)

If nothing else, you've got all of us here. These are a wonderful bunch of guys. \:\)

The wolf pack rules!!!

Hugs

Marc


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#36673 - 04/27/03 07:33 PM Re: Handling Rage and Anger
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
At our group a few weeks back I started to reach out to young Dave, and it was VERY emotional, but I didn't go all the way back to get him to safety.

I'm going to have go on Tuesday, and if I get him I'll let you know.

We NEED to get our boys to safety, that much I do know.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#36674 - 04/28/03 10:40 AM Re: Handling Rage and Anger
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Rage: Such a basic human emotion and so close to the other one Love.

You all know my story. I was robbed of early childhood by physical abuse and teenager years by SA. Unfortuantely both forms of abuse conditioned me to accept others rage and anger.

To cope, all my life, and in times when I was not actively seeking the above drug, I would rage at anyone close to me; but more at myself than anyone else. I raged at my birth life sa and my own sick perversion. I raged at god, the universe, but most importantly never at those that physically or sexually abused me.

And I had a little boy teenager inside of me that was sl terrified of coming out in the open. He was terrified of me and my behaviour. And her certainly did not want a repeat performance.

When I was younger, early teens, I had no friend, because I did not know how to relate to men or peers. I undertook to build my body to the perfection that I could because it was all I had and I mistakenly believed that I would get friends. I was very aggressive and enjoyed demonstrating my power in totally imappropriate behavior. Loved to fight.

When I was 16 and later as a prostitute it was my body that the perps and customers wanted to use and abuse. They did not give a rats ass about me as a human being. I was just meat to scew around with any way they wanted.

Subsequently during my rages I alternated between anorexia and bulemia. Terrified of getting back the body I once had. And that made the rage inside me worse.

I an now 62 and have been seeking help only since I was 56.

Last christmas I made a conscious decision to get back the body I wanted.

I have been going to a health club since January and, while it will never be that 15 year old body again I am really pleased with the transformation to date. And a funny thing has happened. I no longer rage at myself or those around me. I have transferred it to my perps. I havent reached the stage of raging against my customers of so long ago and dont know if I ever will

Little Mike, the 15 year old is having a great deal of fun exercizing and getting back to feeling good about the two things only he and I own. Our body and our self image. It is a struggle but one we must all winn. Respect for ourselves. Additionally I do cardio three times a week.

I was going to post this in the tread "Body Re-minder" by "Victor" but thought it might be better here.

We are the wolfpack and together we will reagain our sense of worth.

Mike

AAAAAAAHHHHWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#36675 - 04/28/03 09:47 PM Re: Handling Rage and Anger
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Marc:

Those are two very good points & I relate to much of what you're saying. Thanks. I'm trying to let Little Vic play more & let Big Vic make the adult decisions; he made them long enuf.

Dave:

I hope you get little Dave back ok & safely.

Mike:

Thanks for posting this, very helpful. If you need to get to the point of rage against your old customers, you can & you will. You will also learn as you already are with others to properly channel & diffuse that rage, with things like good exercise that takes care of your body & also your mind.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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