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#366470 - 07/24/11 01:02 AM My True Identity (triggers)
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Hello my name is Henri ian this is very difficult for me to write.
I was abused for ten years. I was born straight. I am confused.
I trauma bondef with my perp as he was all i had. The abuse was so horrible. So pleasurable and overwhelming (in the darkest most sick and fked up way) that it shattered me. I am strong though. Now he is gone. I chased him out of town. I feel that horrible drive. That urge to be betrayed by my body again. Its so painful. I have never acted out and never will. But, i have these feelings for guys now. They control me. Keep me locked in shame. I have stoppef denying their prescence. This is a big step. I just wanna be me. When I have thede feelings I am not a man or at least i don't feel like one. Sometimes i get fantasies but they hurt so bad. These urges take me somewhete dark and taboo. I really would rather not go there. But I see other guys. Strong handsome muscular confident cool. When i get caught up in these urges i cant see my own power, my own strength, my own good looks, my own innate goodness. Im six foot four and very good looking. I am very shy around girls. When i am attracted to them its like more emotional than sexual. But still physical. Its like an innocent attraction. Happy. It gives me that gooey feeling.
How could i ruin that with sex. I know the difference between sex and abuse but still. My arousal patterns are so twisted. Its hard for me to maintain arousal thinking about women. At the same time i only fantasize about women because ifvi fantasize about men it just hurts. I havnt done that since middle school. I am hurt and confused but I will prevail.
On a more positive note, im only 22 years old and completely self supporting. Ive been healing officially for 3 yearsthanks to my awesome ex. (shout out i love you). So im positive about getting through this and kickin some ass in life.
Thanks for listening guys and stsy strong.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#366488 - 07/24/11 11:35 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Congratulations, kinghenri. That was brave of you to write, buddy.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I do want you to know that you are not alone. Plenty of guys here (including me) feel they were heterosexual before their abuse, and now suffer from SSA. Try talking to some of them. They may have some suggestions for you.

The only suggestion I can offer is the possibility that what you want from other men is not sex but non-sexual intimacy. A close bond. I reason this out because, as survivors, our ability to trust has been damaged by our abuse (in most, if not all, cases). Therefore, we might be seeking more intimate relationships with other men out of a need to trust, but it becomes twisted into sex. What do you think about this?

I can think of another suggestion. If you haven't already, peruse the literature on this subject. "Victims No Longer" was a great help to me, though I can't remember if it dealt with this issue or not. Just remember that you are not alone - someone, somewhere, has had the exact same problem, and he might have written advice about it.

In the meantime, take care, buddy. Shout out to me in chat if you see me in there, okay? smile

Your friend,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#366490 - 07/24/11 11:53 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thanks bobcat. I have victims no longer. Its a great resource and its friggin intense lol. What you said about intamacy makes alot of sense. Its a whole hell of alot of work. :-\
Im gettin there and ill be damned if im gonna let my perp continue to fu** up my life. I did make out with a girl like 1 hour after writing this so thats awesome.havnt done that in a while :-).
Woooo!!!!!
Sorry lol.
Thanks.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366493 - 07/24/11 12:34 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
dude im just like you!!! I was at a club last night and Im a godo looking bodybuilder type guy. I couldnt hook up with almost any girls last night! My approach is probably too aggressive, but the constant rejection of girls pushing me away when I tried to dance with them destroyed my self-esteem last night frown I feel like shit about myself...any guess what? the more rejection I felt last night, the more SSA kicked in and I started to notice the other guys around me, felt guilty about that, the self est-eem lowered more and I felt like shit. I went onto a few dating sites trying to get a girl to come over last night to no avail. I had several abusers in my childhood, one being my father!!! something I read about homosexual imprinting that I think many straight identifying guys will find awesome!! check it out

http://books.google.com/books?id=rHOBboiATRQC&pg=PA57&lpg=PA57&dq=sexual+imprinting+and+sexual+abuse&source=bl&ots=kmTqBK5vhG&sig=XMDhcRc10UyXmRWxajfD1bKjniA&hl=en&ei=DEcqTsScJ-rN0AGwgqX_Cg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=sexual%20imprinting%20and%20sexual%20abuse&f=false

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366501 - 07/24/11 03:44 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Dude thanks for posting. I for one think its awesome you were able to be in a club with all those people. For me it's too much. I can definately see the connection between SSA and low self-esteem. I just remind myself I don't have to "go there" because it hurts like hell.
Take care man.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366502 - 07/24/11 04:12 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Bradley P Offline


Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 44
Loc: AR
This is an awesome post. I can truly relate to it. I'm 27 and have never had sex, and have just been giving dating a real go this past year. I had many good times with girls, but nothing really came to fruition. I still seem to prefer porn over real intimacy cause real intimacy is just too dangerous for me right now. I don't watch gay porn that much anymore, but I use to. It makes me feel really hollow inside, and not complete...girls make me feel better, but I find that when I suffer from low self esteem, or if any relationship in my life (with my best friends, or with a girl) isn't going too well, I seem to be more pulled in by SSA. It sucks, but I think I'm healing more and more as I keep trying new things, and offering myself forgiveness concentrate on growth.

_________________________
"Life is for living, we all know...but I don't want to live it alone"-Chris Martin (Coldplay)

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#366523 - 07/24/11 10:19 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: Bradley P]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
its almost as if I want to just "give up' the constant rejection and hurt from women and go with men. My siuation differs from most as BOTH of my parents sexually abused me. Despite all of that, just as the article about imprinting talks about...free choice comes into play with who you CHOSE to be with. I really should be by myself for a while...but I enjoy sex with women...the trick is having enjoyable sex vs triggered sex and know the difference. Its not easy.

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366537 - 07/25/11 01:03 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
I was abused by male and female relatives and I have been with men and woman. I have been celibate for 7 years. I am numb inside I used to do the club scene when I was in my 20's but when I hit my 30's something all changed and men and woman freaked me out. Now I am uncomfortable around gay men and women who are interested in me. I have avoided all scenes for the past 7 years. But I want to try again. Totally not into finding a man, I would love to find a woman but deep down inside I am terrified, and I am afraid I will not be able to perform.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#366559 - 07/25/11 02:44 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: Glen]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I am also terrified of women. I experience alot of shame surrounding my feelings for them.
I did manage to make out with a chick the other night. It was great! I wanted to go further but her ride was leaving. After she left I felt alot of anxiety. What happens when I see her next? Will I be able to set boundaries and trust at the same time? Then I realized I dont want a relationship I just want another kiss lol. Im not gonna worry about it. When I see her next thats what Im going for ;-).

Maybe thats better. Just look at what YOU want in the moment and try not to shame yourself for it. We have to learn to put our own needs before others. No one else gave a damn about our needs.
Stay strong soldiers.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366573 - 07/25/11 09:54 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Yeah and like Mountains Buck, I believe I have Heterophobia..and a deep fear of performance anxiety...I have had unbelievable sex with women in the past..including my wife of 7 years...its tough being 36 and single and being my abuse just came up 4 months ago it makes it tough to have true deep self-esteem/self-worth. So I have a tendancy to base everything on looks and outward appearance. Im a good looking guy and a bodybuilder...but I know girls sense my fear and thats why I get rejected sometimes...but its so hard TRYING to look confidant and to say the right things..I feel so damn awkward...it makes it tough being myself. So I ALWAYS take rejection personally..."whats wrong with me" "am I ugly"? "wtf im good looking SHE SHOULDNT reject me!!" lol the fact is everyone gets rejected but I see myself as "special" I guess and I feel I should NEVER be lol

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366581 - 07/26/11 01:01 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I am pretty much the same way. I too base everything on looks. Im also very good looking but I have a hard time with the chicks. Im six foot four damnit! Stupid girls! Lol. I guess if I can see them as a person and not an object. Thats no fun. I havnt had sex since february
I have nipped ssa in the bud though. I just got sick and tired of the bullsht and pain. So thats out of the way.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366644 - 07/26/11 04:36 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
and how did you do that? its still an issue for me...from what ive read about imprinting..the moment you have your first orgasm you make a positive association to that person or thought and it sticks to you forever. My first orgasm was at the hands of my father around 6 years old. So SSA becomes tough as the inner child wants that bond again..that "love' connection and bodily feeling.

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366732 - 07/27/11 11:23 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I didnt. Its there. Its always there.
I guess It was just wishful thinking.
Everything is so damn difficult.
I just want to be like the other guys but I hate them at the same time.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366740 - 07/27/11 01:44 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Don't be hard on yourself. Acknowledge it and move on. It doesn't mean anything but it's an aspect of your abuse coming back today. Don't let anyone else make you feel differently. There are many people on here that will try. Remind yourself it's nothing more then a scratch on a record repeating itself.

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366746 - 07/27/11 03:52 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thx man.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366985 - 07/30/11 10:12 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
It's there when I wake up!!! I don't know how to explain.
It just hurts.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367161 - 08/01/11 10:03 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
start to laugh at it..be like ha ha ok yup no problem

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367166 - 08/01/11 11:51 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Lol i do that sometimes.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367167 - 08/01/11 12:06 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
When am I gonna come out of the closet and admit my hetero to myself and the world.
I can't be something I'm not
lmao

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367170 - 08/01/11 12:54 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
I'm settling on bi for now. Makes life easier

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367171 - 08/01/11 12:58 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Good call.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#367181 - 08/01/11 07:48 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
I notice when I go with it and allow SSA to happen it looses its power over me. Im not scared of it. I realize part of my SSA is a deep burning need for love attention, care, friendship.

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367413 - 08/04/11 04:22 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Logan81 Offline


Registered: 01/28/11
Posts: 42
Loc: Lubbock, TX
Originally Posted By: kinghenri
I didnt. Its there. Its always there.
I guess It was just wishful thinking.
Everything is so damn difficult.
I just want to be like the other guys but I hate them at the same time.


From what I've seen, other guys have their own issues, just like we do. I know that in my head, but sometimes it's hard to genuinely believe that's true, deep down inside.

Personally, I'm in a similar place as you when it comes to women. Although I'd describe myself as bi, I am typically more attracted emotionally to women than I am men. Whenever I meet a cute/nice girl, though, I always get thoughts of "If she ever really got to know me, she wouldn't want anything to do with me." Again, logically, I know that I'm a good, nice, attractive guy. It really doesn't feel that way on the inside, though.

It sucks, and I wish I knew a quick and easy way to get past it, but I don't. More than anything, I think it just takes time. In the meantime, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you're not alone.


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#455341 - 11/28/13 10:26 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: Logan81]
saint-of-Lost-Causes Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/13/07
Posts: 57
Loc: Michigan
I feel the same way...i am currently married and am in love with my wife, but have these impulse urges to act out with a man. Its difficult...to figure out if im having a sexual identity crisis or if its from the abuse.
_________________________
We accept the love we think we deserve!

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#455370 - 11/28/13 04:31 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
I was a bit hyper sexual for a time. Definitely a consequence of my CSA and resulting deep feeling that I was not worthy of being loved.

I did learn there are plenty of women that want to love. That will be happy to help and encourage. They seem to take a whole bunch of crap as long as they feel loved and wanted. They tried hard to fix what was broken in me. Most were plenty wild. Brought up things I had thought of but did not mention.

On feeling SSA and worrying about what a woman would think... If you are in a relationship and share that as part of the fallout of your CSA, I think it would be something she would be understanding of. Help you with it.

Of course some women are just heartless, as men are, but so many are more understanding than we suspect. They want us to share our pain. Look at the women posting here. They have been thru plenty of crap and still want to help and restore the relationship.

God bless them.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#455453 - 11/29/13 01:30 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: On The Fringe]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Well said. It is important to find the right woman-one who can understand and love you for what you have lived and impacts your life. The world is full of good and compassionate people--both women and men--and full of closed minded people and as you say heartless.

As you have said there are many women here who want to help and support despite all they have been through in life. It is a testament to their courage, love and compassion. If you have one of these women--hold onto her and work hard to heal and rid yourself of the damage the abuser left us with. All talk to her about your abuse--also listen to her pain and fears. CSA impacts not only the survivor but people around them.

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