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#366470 - 07/24/11 01:02 AM My True Identity (triggers)
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Hello my name is Henri ian this is very difficult for me to write.
I was abused for ten years. I was born straight. I am confused.
I trauma bondef with my perp as he was all i had. The abuse was so horrible. So pleasurable and overwhelming (in the darkest most sick and fked up way) that it shattered me. I am strong though. Now he is gone. I chased him out of town. I feel that horrible drive. That urge to be betrayed by my body again. Its so painful. I have never acted out and never will. But, i have these feelings for guys now. They control me. Keep me locked in shame. I have stoppef denying their prescence. This is a big step. I just wanna be me. When I have thede feelings I am not a man or at least i don't feel like one. Sometimes i get fantasies but they hurt so bad. These urges take me somewhete dark and taboo. I really would rather not go there. But I see other guys. Strong handsome muscular confident cool. When i get caught up in these urges i cant see my own power, my own strength, my own good looks, my own innate goodness. Im six foot four and very good looking. I am very shy around girls. When i am attracted to them its like more emotional than sexual. But still physical. Its like an innocent attraction. Happy. It gives me that gooey feeling.
How could i ruin that with sex. I know the difference between sex and abuse but still. My arousal patterns are so twisted. Its hard for me to maintain arousal thinking about women. At the same time i only fantasize about women because ifvi fantasize about men it just hurts. I havnt done that since middle school. I am hurt and confused but I will prevail.
On a more positive note, im only 22 years old and completely self supporting. Ive been healing officially for 3 yearsthanks to my awesome ex. (shout out i love you). So im positive about getting through this and kickin some ass in life.
Thanks for listening guys and stsy strong.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366488 - 07/24/11 11:35 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Congratulations, kinghenri. That was brave of you to write, buddy.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I do want you to know that you are not alone. Plenty of guys here (including me) feel they were heterosexual before their abuse, and now suffer from SSA. Try talking to some of them. They may have some suggestions for you.

The only suggestion I can offer is the possibility that what you want from other men is not sex but non-sexual intimacy. A close bond. I reason this out because, as survivors, our ability to trust has been damaged by our abuse (in most, if not all, cases). Therefore, we might be seeking more intimate relationships with other men out of a need to trust, but it becomes twisted into sex. What do you think about this?

I can think of another suggestion. If you haven't already, peruse the literature on this subject. "Victims No Longer" was a great help to me, though I can't remember if it dealt with this issue or not. Just remember that you are not alone - someone, somewhere, has had the exact same problem, and he might have written advice about it.

In the meantime, take care, buddy. Shout out to me in chat if you see me in there, okay? smile

Your friend,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#366490 - 07/24/11 11:53 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thanks bobcat. I have victims no longer. Its a great resource and its friggin intense lol. What you said about intamacy makes alot of sense. Its a whole hell of alot of work. :-\
Im gettin there and ill be damned if im gonna let my perp continue to fu** up my life. I did make out with a girl like 1 hour after writing this so thats awesome.havnt done that in a while :-).
Woooo!!!!!
Sorry lol.
Thanks.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366493 - 07/24/11 12:34 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
dude im just like you!!! I was at a club last night and Im a godo looking bodybuilder type guy. I couldnt hook up with almost any girls last night! My approach is probably too aggressive, but the constant rejection of girls pushing me away when I tried to dance with them destroyed my self-esteem last night frown I feel like shit about myself...any guess what? the more rejection I felt last night, the more SSA kicked in and I started to notice the other guys around me, felt guilty about that, the self est-eem lowered more and I felt like shit. I went onto a few dating sites trying to get a girl to come over last night to no avail. I had several abusers in my childhood, one being my father!!! something I read about homosexual imprinting that I think many straight identifying guys will find awesome!! check it out

http://books.google.com/books?id=rHOBboiATRQC&pg=PA57&lpg=PA57&dq=sexual+imprinting+and+sexual+abuse&source=bl&ots=kmTqBK5vhG&sig=XMDhcRc10UyXmRWxajfD1bKjniA&hl=en&ei=DEcqTsScJ-rN0AGwgqX_Cg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=2&ved=0CC0Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=sexual%20imprinting%20and%20sexual%20abuse&f=false

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366501 - 07/24/11 03:44 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Dude thanks for posting. I for one think its awesome you were able to be in a club with all those people. For me it's too much. I can definately see the connection between SSA and low self-esteem. I just remind myself I don't have to "go there" because it hurts like hell.
Take care man.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366502 - 07/24/11 04:12 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Bradley P Offline


Registered: 11/03/10
Posts: 44
Loc: AR
This is an awesome post. I can truly relate to it. I'm 27 and have never had sex, and have just been giving dating a real go this past year. I had many good times with girls, but nothing really came to fruition. I still seem to prefer porn over real intimacy cause real intimacy is just too dangerous for me right now. I don't watch gay porn that much anymore, but I use to. It makes me feel really hollow inside, and not complete...girls make me feel better, but I find that when I suffer from low self esteem, or if any relationship in my life (with my best friends, or with a girl) isn't going too well, I seem to be more pulled in by SSA. It sucks, but I think I'm healing more and more as I keep trying new things, and offering myself forgiveness concentrate on growth.

_________________________
"Life is for living, we all know...but I don't want to live it alone"-Chris Martin (Coldplay)

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#366523 - 07/24/11 10:19 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: Bradley P]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
its almost as if I want to just "give up' the constant rejection and hurt from women and go with men. My siuation differs from most as BOTH of my parents sexually abused me. Despite all of that, just as the article about imprinting talks about...free choice comes into play with who you CHOSE to be with. I really should be by myself for a while...but I enjoy sex with women...the trick is having enjoyable sex vs triggered sex and know the difference. Its not easy.

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366537 - 07/25/11 01:03 AM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: thefutureorbust]
Glen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/04
Posts: 71
Loc: Wisconsin
I was abused by male and female relatives and I have been with men and woman. I have been celibate for 7 years. I am numb inside I used to do the club scene when I was in my 20's but when I hit my 30's something all changed and men and woman freaked me out. Now I am uncomfortable around gay men and women who are interested in me. I have avoided all scenes for the past 7 years. But I want to try again. Totally not into finding a man, I would love to find a woman but deep down inside I am terrified, and I am afraid I will not be able to perform.

_________________________
Please tell me why..

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#366559 - 07/25/11 02:44 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: Glen]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 215
Loc: Tucson Arizona
I am also terrified of women. I experience alot of shame surrounding my feelings for them.
I did manage to make out with a chick the other night. It was great! I wanted to go further but her ride was leaving. After she left I felt alot of anxiety. What happens when I see her next? Will I be able to set boundaries and trust at the same time? Then I realized I dont want a relationship I just want another kiss lol. Im not gonna worry about it. When I see her next thats what Im going for ;-).

Maybe thats better. Just look at what YOU want in the moment and try not to shame yourself for it. We have to learn to put our own needs before others. No one else gave a damn about our needs.
Stay strong soldiers.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#366573 - 07/25/11 09:54 PM Re: My True Identity (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Yeah and like Mountains Buck, I believe I have Heterophobia..and a deep fear of performance anxiety...I have had unbelievable sex with women in the past..including my wife of 7 years...its tough being 36 and single and being my abuse just came up 4 months ago it makes it tough to have true deep self-esteem/self-worth. So I have a tendancy to base everything on looks and outward appearance. Im a good looking guy and a bodybuilder...but I know girls sense my fear and thats why I get rejected sometimes...but its so hard TRYING to look confidant and to say the right things..I feel so damn awkward...it makes it tough being myself. So I ALWAYS take rejection personally..."whats wrong with me" "am I ugly"? "wtf im good looking SHE SHOULDNT reject me!!" lol the fact is everyone gets rejected but I see myself as "special" I guess and I feel I should NEVER be lol

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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