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#366176 - 07/18/11 05:13 PM hello
MonkeyWrench Offline


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 3
Loc: Please Select
Hello,

I've been reading posts in this forum for a while and want to say how amazed I am at all the love and strength displayed here.

my bf is a survivor of csa. He is the most amazing man I have ever met and I love him more than i ever thought possible. He told me he was a survivor very early on in our relationship and has recently shared more with me.

Physical intimacy makes him uncomfortable, so we arent intimate, only chaste kisses and hugs. Its hard but he's worth it and I try very hard not to do anything which would make him uncomfortable.

How do i come to terms with the fact that he's completely detached from his emotions and doesnt feel any affection for me? If we're not physically intimate in any way (he recently confessed that he's only been kissing me because he knows I want to kiss him) are we really a couple or are we just good friends?

I've told him I'll do (or not do) anything to help him and he is in counselling but I just dont know what to do, and i dont want to lose him.


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#366190 - 07/18/11 09:46 PM Re: hello [Re: MonkeyWrench]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Well, it is great that you are understanding, but you will have to ask yourself "How much can I handle and for how long?" You may not know the answer at the moment, but be careful not to give up what YOU want and NEED just to not lose him. I'm sure you can see how other supporters have struggled with just that. As for being a couple, I suppose that depends on what HE thinks? Are there other ways he expresses romantic feelings? Perhaps through his words or things he does for you?

Just be careful to take care of yourself as you support him. You will find lots of support here on MS and I hope things go well for you. PM me anytime.


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#366218 - 07/19/11 11:09 AM Re: hello [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi monkeyWrench

Run girl run, this would be my first instinct. Well after you know how I feel, welcome to the forum.
Be aware of the insane amount of work that a survivor takes out of you as a person. Sometimes it goes as far as to remove your own sense of self and you will then loose who you are. DON'T Let this happen. Always be aware of your own self worth and don't start compromising yourself to suit his needs. This will lead to lots of pain and aggravation.

Other than this read as much as you can and learn as much as you can about survivors.
Remember Survivors untreated get worse and worse and worse, so be acutely aware of this.

Other than this heal well and stay strong
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#366223 - 07/19/11 11:53 AM Re: hello [Re: MonkeyWrench]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Being a good friend shouldn't be viewed as a consolation prize. Maybe that's what he needs most right now. Physical intimacy is a tricky thing for a survivor. It doesn't have to be for a survivor's whole life, but as someone who is at the beginning of my journey of recovery I can say for myself that I have decided to remain single while I work through the hardest stuff. I say this for a number of reasons, but the biggest two are 1) I don't wish to enter a relationship with someone else when what's most important right now is that I work on my relationship with myself and 2) the kind of relationship I want in the future needs to be equal and balanced and without allot of unresolved baggage that's going to weigh it down. There’s no better way to snuff the life out of a relationship if you ask me. On that note I do believe it’s important to disclose one’s history to a significant other since honesty in a relationship is essential. However, a healthy relationship can’t be all about the past either. The only advice I have is to assess whether he feels “present” with you or if he seems somewhere else. Just my thoughts. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#366318 - 07/20/11 11:58 PM Re: hello [Re: MonkeyWrench]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: MonkeyWrench
How do i come to terms with the fact that he's completely detached from his emotions and doesnt feel any affection for me? If we're not physically intimate in any way (he recently confessed that he's only been kissing me because he knows I want to kiss him) are we really a couple or are we just good friends?


Permission for a survivor to reply to this particular aspect?

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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#366405 - 07/22/11 02:40 PM Re: hello [Re: Still]
MonkeyWrench Offline


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 3
Loc: Please Select
@Robbie Brown, absolutely, please feel free. You can probably offer me a unique insight into his logic processes, and I'd welcome any advice you can offer.


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#366406 - 07/22/11 02:45 PM Re: hello [Re: hopeandtry]
MonkeyWrench Offline


Registered: 04/10/11
Posts: 3
Loc: Please Select
He is such a strong person and he does take care of me - I love the small things like making my bed and the fact that he listens to me, adn i always felt that that was him showing his affection. But now i'm not sure if I've read too much into simple actions.

I recently saw a quote - "work out what you want and what you're willing to pay for it". I do want to be with him, and I am willing to try as hard as i can for as long as I can.

He is getting help, and i learnt a long time ago that you cant heal someone else, or live someone else life for them, as much as i wish i could take his pain away i know its something h has to work though himself.



Edited by MonkeyWrench (07/22/11 02:48 PM)

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#366588 - 07/26/11 03:56 AM Re: hello [Re: MonkeyWrench]
grumplestiltskin Offline


Registered: 04/14/11
Posts: 30
Loc: Denver CO
How long have you been dating? How long has the lack of intimacy gone on? If he's genuinely making progress then patience might be in order. But you can't be expected to give up your life waiting (in my opinion at least). Ultimately if he isn't making progress or working as hard as he could be, that's not fair to you. Sometimes losing someone is the kick in the pants that someone needs to deal with their problems, sadly.


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#366610 - 07/26/11 11:23 AM Re: hello [Re: grumplestiltskin]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Quote:
1) I don't wish to enter a relationship with someone else when what's most important right now is that I work on my relationship with myself and
2) the kind of relationship I want in the future needs to be equal and balanced and without allot of unresolved baggage that's going to weigh it down.


Wow. this is pretty adorable and very brave! All the best to you.


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#366611 - 07/26/11 11:25 AM Re: hello [Re: Shawushka]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
MonkeyWrench,
every individual is different and as partners each and every one of us has to find out how much we can take, how much we are willing to give.
Have you considered counselling or seeing a therapist purely for yourself to get some support in dealing with this matter?


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