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#354316 - 02/21/11 10:19 AM Coming out to the rapist
Finn121 Offline


Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 2
Loc: 236
I'm gay and in the process of coming out. My sisters will be easy, but my brother is a bit complicated.

I use to room with my brother (me 8-9 him 15-16). Throughout my life, my brother basically looked down on me for doing anything less than what a typical man would do. One time while playing frisbee I needed to take a break because someone rammed into my quad (I had a previous injury there) and he called me a girl.

And while being emotionally abusive wasn't enough, once he made me suck his cock. He was erect and I wasn't. He laughed at how small mine was. Then he told me to put my mouth on it. So I did. I remember distinctly not liking the taste.

That's all I remember of it. I know that was the only time, but I don't know if I continued. I'd like to believe that it stopped there.

I don't know why he did it. He's currently engaged to his girlfriend and I'm even in the groom's party. So if it was just for fun or because he wasn't getting any at the time, I don't know. I sent an email once when I was drunk asking why he did it, but I got no response.

Since then I've been dealing with coming out and I've come to accept being gay. But now I want to come out to everyone and I'm scared about my brother's reaction. We've been pretty civil lately and getting along more than we ever had. I don't hate him anymore for what he did.

I don't know how he feels about gay people. I don't want him to be upset or be emotionally abusive to me in the future or take me out of the wedding... And I also want to ask him about what he did to me in person, but maybe I should let that go? I just.. I want him to be the brother I've always wanted him to be.

Any advice on how to come out to the same person who raped me?


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#354369 - 02/21/11 05:13 PM Re: Coming out to the rapist [Re: Finn121]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
not sure but do you have to?

I am sure if u tell your sister he will find out

hope u r doing ok

Hugs

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#354484 - 02/22/11 03:07 PM Re: Coming out to the rapist [Re: Finn121]
phoenix29 Offline


Registered: 02/15/11
Posts: 18
Loc: North Carolina
Hey Finn, I can understand your need for normalcy as far as being a part of the wedding and maintaining sibling relationships or appearances but you have to put your own needs first before anyone else's. It sounds as if coming out will bring a positive aspect to your recovery, everyone has to come to these desicions at their own time though and maybe your feeling anxious about doing it before the wedding. Are you afraid that bringing this to his attention could possibly bring out some of his own repressed memories or possible SSA tendencies. If you ever want to move past that and have a healthy relationship with your brother it's probably going to have to be addressed at some point.


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#354495 - 02/22/11 05:10 PM Re: Coming out to the rapist [Re: phoenix29]
Happy Birthday Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Coming out at anytime can be tough especially when there are any "issues".

Issues of sexual assault compound the issue. Although tough keep the issues separate.

But, owning your own sexuality is important.

I agree with Phoenix about being in tune and putting your NEEDS first.

I wish you great strength and encouragement.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#363939 - 06/09/11 11:51 PM Re: Coming out to the rapist [Re: Finn121]
jtafoya11 Offline


Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 24
Loc: new mexico
i think you should come out when you are ready and people you trust. i can out my dad and step mom and my whole family and they seem to be ok with it foor the most part. they knopw who my partner is and get along with him. i took baaby steps when i came out and i take things one day at a time

_________________________
Randy Tafoya

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#363943 - 06/10/11 04:50 AM Re: Coming out to the rapist [Re: Finn121]
max52 Offline


Registered: 05/08/11
Posts: 32
Loc: usa
In reading this I saw one thing that was consistant, you said
that you "were afraid" of how your brother would react.
That you didn't want "him" to take you out of the wedding party.
I can't say what you should do, but, I know from dealing with an abusive older brother that you can't leave him in the possition of having power over you.
You need to quit worrying about his feelings and making sure he won't reject you and start taking care of yourself.
You owe him nothing, you do well not to hate him, I admire your strength.
That being said, live your life, your gay life and make no appologies, I wish you well.


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#366107 - 07/17/11 08:20 AM Re: Coming out to the rapist [Re: max52]
LordShiningStarr Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 11
Loc: Normal, IL
I have to agree with Max 52 on this one. I guess I was lucky my attacker was a total stranger. But still, don't let your older brother keep the power he took from you. Tell him everything, and if he doesn't except it, well . . . . . Bright blessings on your journey. I wish you all the best.

_________________________
Sincerely,
Lord ShiningStarr

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