Katie, I fully agree, CSA does not give anyone the right to abuse others. I have made that very clear to him. He has never physically abused me, and until now, I donít think he has been capable of grasping exactly how his actions deeply hurt me emotionally. This is a man that rarely ever so much as raises his voice. This is not a nasty ogre. Heís an extremely intelligent, funny, generous, sensitive person who was victimized and sexually abused as a child and essentially robbed of the tools necessary to live a happy balanced life. Because of this, the harm he causes is more along the lines of putting up walls, numbing out, severe lack of openness and communication, secrecy, workaholism, and actions that subconsciously attempt to sabotage a relationship that threatens to break down the wall (self-imposed prison) that he has carefully erected over a lifetime in order to protect himself.
These behaviors, from what I understand, are classic lasting effects of CSA in males. I have called him on his behavior every single time and have vocalized my boundaries very clearly. That's precisely why we are where we are now. Ultimately if he isn't ready or refuses to see a T in order to heal and acquire the necessary tools, sadly, we are done for good.
I have known this man for over 20 years and we only got back together the second time because he assured me that he was healed (little did I know then that it is simply not possible to heal without help from a T).
Yes, there is no doubt his behavior this second time around is causing extreme pain, more so because Iím feeling stranded on the West Coast, this time far from family. But I am very clear on boundaries and I have drawn them and voiced them and called him on each and every one loud and clear. I do not have a problem in the boundary department.
But, I also believe in forgiveness, compassion and healing. My parents, who went through their own troubles raising a family of seven kids, instilled this in me along with pride and always standing up for what you believe in, especially yourself. There were many, many difficulties in their relationship, and along the way, they could have called it quits a number of times through the alcoholism to the dysfunction. But the bottom line was there was love and devotion which saw them through their very happy latter years where they were still the spark in each others' eye... and absolutely loved and adored by their grown children.
Thanks for your input. I hope Adam and you heal well.