I especially like when my wife calls me a fag, or tells me to "be a man." Can you spell "insensitive?"

Holy shit John! I hope you do realize I know of exactly what you speak, so it drives a nail right through my heart.

But dang! I have to say:
WTF!?!?!

I am SO sorry to hear this coming from your house dude...I don't know where to begin my rage-dump. This world just ain't right.

I am sorry to hear this. Hearing things like that, especially from a 'loved one' can be paralyzing. No one should be talked to like that.

I've had sexual dysfunction when I was in my 20's I was confused and told my mother. Her response? " omg your too young for that are you sure your not gay"???

Robbie,
You are not alone. For years I couldn't think of myself as anything other then just male. A title with a social expectation such as"boy" or"man" was to hard. I finally permitted myself to think of myself as a "guy".
I was horrified when I was young and grew body hair. I wore long sleeves and jeans because it felt like my body was exerting itself into a territory it didn't belong. I felt like it was asking for trouble.
I've been working against it for years. And I have come along way. Though I've been going to a gym for years, the free weights were the territory of "real men". A couple of months ago I made a commitment to learn them and enter the area at least twice a week. Truth is early in the morning when I work out I am surrounded by friends. I'm still petrified they will think I am over stepping the boundaries. But that is all the old crap yelling in my head.
For me, what I was taught about being a man was a toxic lie. I am fighting to embrace what I know is good about us men, like your courage to even bring it up!

There are few things in the world as disgusting as a man. I can feel like a boy, a human, a nerd, a god, an animal, a villain, a machine, ... but if I feel like a man I feel distressed to the point of nausea.

I cringe at how unempathic behavior gets routinely justified under the guise of manliness. I cringe at the absence of any aesthetics in the physical male form. I cringe at the whole parade of failed role models who have passed before my child eyes, expecting me to copy their dumb, aggressive behavior. And I cringe at the monstruous form my boy body has transformed into.

There are men whom I am cordial with. But once I feel connected to them, I stop viewing them as male. My friends have their own gender, so to speak.

... It's bad, isn't it?

Well intended,

I don't think it's bad; I rather like the idea of an alternative or "non" gender. Much less of a threat.

Peace,

John

I like it as well, John. Feeling different than everybody else even has led to some positive self-fulfilling prophecies, that made up for a lot of bad things in my childhood. I've made sure I have lots of reasons to like it. And I would still like my wacky world view, overall, if it weren't for the realization that these attitudes also guarantee my adult virginity.

Me too, in everything you wrote, with particular attention to the goetee...I thought someone would tell me to shave it because who was I fool on- let's talk shame

The only reason I dont grow a beard any more is because it is snow white, damn thing ages me ten years, no thanks.

I am Man enough
Martin