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#366087 - 07/16/11 05:58 PM Re: A Man? [Re: Still]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
I used to fight this all the time and now not so much but it still effects my decision making.

Growing up, I was picked on all the time because of my size and I never fought back because I felt that I deserved it. Because I allowed certain things to happen, that I wasn't worthy of not being picked on and I hated myself for it. As I grew older, I became tired of being teased so I began lifting weights so that I would be stronger than everyone else. Lifting weight also provided an outlet for my anger that was filled inside me.

At the end of the day I know I can consider myself a "man" but question whether others can see it too and that is where my decision making is sometimes poor. I recently messed up a relationship because of this but I think knowing that this is an issue is a huge step in the right direction and now the next obstacle will be figuring out how to get past and move on.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#366171 - 07/18/11 04:01 PM Re: A Man? [Re: Incognito]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
I relate brother, I been bodybuilding for the last 20 years in an effort to reclaim my masculinity. If it wasnt for bodybuilding I dont know where I would be. Its given me an outlet for anger, a way to relate to other guys, given me self confidence and self-esteem. Plus the ladies like it lol

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"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366205 - 07/19/11 02:06 AM Re: A Man? [Re: thefutureorbust]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
What is A man
I concur with all, but as I read the posts it popped into my head "what is a real man" Is it John Wayne or the Marlboro man, or is it Charlie Chaplin? Which of the two is a better man, the stronger tougher one or the weedy more sensitive one? I would personally be My own Man laugh One that is finally happy about living in his own skin, Finally happy about the fact that there is no shame in who I am, Finally happy that No one can see what I was in the past, and If they know, I don't care. I think a real man is someone that is happy to be me

I don't know If I'm weird, but I am tired of trying to live up to expectations, tired of trying to fit in where I never did, because of my past. I am different, and now I am ME.
I cried in the bed with my wife this morning as she recounted all that I had put her through over the past 20 years. She told me that she did not know If she could trust me, or if I was going to hurt her.
If being a man is being tough and Macho, and hurting people that I care for then I would rather not be one. I would rather be less of a man in the eyes of society, but a hero in the eyes of my family.
Sorry if I sound self righteous, but I think that I did spend to much time trying to fit into that "model man" mold.

Thanks for the thread, it has made me think, and funny thing, I like thinking these days.

Heal well all
Love Life
Martin



Edited by whome (07/19/11 02:08 AM)
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#366206 - 07/19/11 03:56 AM Re: A Man? [Re: whome]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
This is a really good question.

In my opinion a man is measured by how well he takes care of himself and how well he takes care of the people who depend on him. But, I'm single and childless and I can't support myself let alone another person. So by my own definition I am not a man. I'd give anything to be rough and strong and powerful like they told me men were supposed to be when I was a kid. But it's not that easy.

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#366213 - 07/19/11 10:43 AM Re: A Man? [Re: Clockwise]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
For me my massive 204 pound physique at 5 foot 9 is sometimes the only measure of my manhood. When I am triggered I am excessively aggressive and if I am surrounded by other men I would rather die then look away if I lock eyes with a guy. I know it isnt healthy but its the only defense Ive ever known. When im not triggered im positive, friendly and happy. Sometimes I wonder if I'll always live this way. Each day is a struggle to survive and keep my sanity. Because of my abuse I cut my entire immedate family out. My wife left me cause I cheated on her. All I have are some dear close friends, my personal training business, my cat lol and my physique. The abuse has torn my sexuality to shambles where I shift between straight and bisexual. Ive had about 10 theraphy sessions but I dont know if its helped much. I may try EDMR next and get on anti anxiety meds

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"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#366244 - 07/19/11 07:41 PM Re: A Man? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
I fake being a MAN, I had to learn how to do this due to a dysfunctional family.

When I read the original post it hit me between the eyes, so i had to spend time thinking about why. last night it hit me, I live with fear, "real men are brave and fearless" is the message from society so I get worn out from portraying this character that is assertive, strong and is the first one to volunteer to prove I can do it. It wears me out.

Edited to add: Control, because I don't feel in control is another issue re Maleness. Also is needing to fix anything, cars for instance, if my car breaks down I feel anything but manly cos I cant fix it.



Edited by Dusty Boy (07/19/11 09:52 PM)

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#366249 - 07/19/11 10:25 PM Re: A Man? [Re: Dusty Boy]
Incognito Offline


Registered: 04/17/11
Posts: 105
I think whome hit it on the head.

Being a man isn't assessed by how much you can squat, bench press, or deadlift, or by what your professional MMA record is. To me, it is measured by the ability to support your loved ones, standing behind them through thick and thin, and doing things that might not be viewed as masculine ( e.g. watching a chick flick with a girlfriend).

Knowing your faults, that you cannot fix those yourself, and deciding to get help constitutes more of a man than 99% of all the other men out there.

_________________________
"If you're willing to carry the weight, feel the strain, push past the pain, and give more of yourself than others expect of you, the world is yours." - Dave Tate

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#366253 - 07/20/11 12:24 AM Re: A Man? [Re: Incognito]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6373
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I've decided to be whatever I am at any given moment. But back in the day, I bought the supposed trappings of manhood:

1) A brand-new Trans Am.
2) Doing motocross since age 10 like it was my last day on earth.
3) Was a researve cop for two years.
4) Carry a gun - This was my substitute for the body building thing I guess. It made certain I would never be at the mercy of anyone ever again.
5) Joined ROTC in college.

But the real issue for me, as I mentioned in the openning of this thread, is "calling myself a 'man.'" I still can't do it and I have no expectations of ever being able to.

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#366254 - 07/20/11 12:44 AM Re: A Man? [Re: Still]
Kaene Offline


Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
Quote:
I've decided to be whatever I am at any given moment. But back in the day, I bought the supposed trappings of manhood:


1) Bought a supercharged Grand Prix
2) Was a forum warrior on all sites having anything to do with cars.
3) Tried to join the Navy. I know it wouldn't sound so gay if it was the army, huh? Woulda been on a sub if I wasn't so fat.
4) Bought a gun, with a rate of fire of 3 rounds per minute. If you're good.
5) Became a civil war reenactor.


Wow I'm such a freaking nerd, lol!



Edited by Kaene (07/20/11 12:44 AM)
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#366276 - 07/20/11 12:04 PM Re: A Man? [Re: Still]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
This was always a question I had.

My history:

Growing a gottee - cause someone said i looked "tough"
Buying a pickup truck (i live in the city)
Becoming a sex addict (actually loving going to SA type groups)
Buying a gun - and getting conceal and carry permit (i have never carried it)
Buying another gun.
Accepting another gun from my mother-in-law.
Always showing my wife my muscles (I have few - and im 52yo - grow up!!!)
Riding a bicycle down Pikes Peak (again @ 52yo)
Going white water rafting (yeah - 52yo)

But still can't look another guy in the eyes or talking.
Comparing myself.

Im better - but still hate it.


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