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#36576 - 01/12/06 06:35 AM newbie
pjn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/06
Posts: 26
Loc: Southeast United States
I want to say I am new member of the board. I have reason to believe I was abused by a friend when I was young. I an wondering if this is possible? I have read it is possible but am scared that I am imagining what happened as abuse.I have started a journal and this seems to help me in my recovery but i still suffer from physical effects like anxiety attacks and intense fear. it's been over 30 years since this happened and I have delt with in in the past o.k. but since I stopped drinking I have had a reaccurance.O.K. so without going into too much detail I will give some info on what happened to me. I think it is proper protocol to warn that I might trigger some bad memories in others so be warned if you read further.

from my journal:

we used to bath together I guess without much contact but then I remember him bringing one of his fathers Hustler magazines into his room before we bathed and we looked at it reacting to the photos I reacted in a natural manner ( HE) touched me first but not in a that boys touch each other exploring he touched me to make me feel good. I asked him how he learned to touch like that and what I was called . He said ď Itís called the felt and my dad showed me it!Ē I swear I am not imagining that is what he said. I donít remember if it was that same night but our sessions continued to escalate. I remember being in the bathtub with him and he used his mouth on me I didnít have orgasm and yes I knew what they were at 7 cause I masturbated all the time. Then he had me try it on him. I was reluctant but did it anyway. I did not enjoy it like he did when he was on me .In fact I quit right away. The next part is very vague but I will try the best I can. I guess I enjoyed playing with him in the bath tub cause it happened a few more times I think. I remember one time he pissed in a shampoo bottle when I wasnít looking and told me to drink it . I did and I spit it out mad at him. Its still very vague if this all happened one night or not. Then I remember (HE) leaning me over the tub and asking me to stay like that. His parents used to come in bathroom when we were there checking on us . I think I remember his dad being in there before this happened. I felt something happening behind me at this time I donít know if it was (HIM) or his father who entered me but I DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AT ALL!!. I quickly flinched and I felt my head being held under the water for a few seconds and a lot of scuffling near my feet. When I was let up I saw a flash and it was (HIS) sister with a Polaroid ( the kind that doesnít need developing). After the bath ended I saw the photo and it showed me and (HIM) fully erect standing next to the tub I had a surprised look on my face. How does a 9 year old boy get the sexual prowess to coerce me into assuming the position of anal penetration if he hasnít been molested himself?

That night me and (HIM) were sleeping in the same bed and I got a sick feeling in my stomach and wanted to see my dad right then so I got up and walked home.

Sorry if it is tough to read cause I edited some names and stuff out but believe me it is all true from how I remember it.Was I abused? I should say later on in our 20's I confronted him and he denied it calling me crazy like my mother claiming it " ran in the family". Anyone who can help will be greatly appreciatd thanks


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#36577 - 01/12/06 08:39 AM Re: newbie
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
PJN
It is real to you. It is your memory. Welcome.
Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#36578 - 01/12/06 11:16 AM Re: newbie
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
PJN,
You know the truth, but feel it would destroy you, but truth is that Truth will only set you free. As it has all of us. So, Claim it, Own it and Set yourself free.

But make sure to call your past, past. That's the way to claim your present.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#36579 - 01/12/06 05:42 PM Re: newbie
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
PJN,

Abuse isn't just about the sex, it is primarily about one person using their power over another person for the sake of exploiting and misusing that person. Can one 7 yo have that kind of power over another? What do kids that young understand about sex? I'm not sure.

What is clear is that you were harmed by this experience and that your friend was acting out with you things he was being forced to do with his father.

The fact that he denied everything years later doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It just means that he is ambarrassed or ashamed or else is in denial himself. It would be terribly difficult for him to admit, even to himself, that he was molested by his own father.

I hope being here on MS can help you deal with some of these issues. You are safe here. Just get used to the place and find your own pace for getting into discussions and other contacts.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#36580 - 01/12/06 08:36 PM Re: newbie
pjn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/06
Posts: 26
Loc: Southeast United States
Thanks for the support and welcome Andrew, Morningstar and Larry. I feel this board will help me . I was scared to ask for advice here cause I think after 30+ years I am finally trying to overcome this.Your right I shouldn't hold too much anger toward my friend cause he was experiencing trauma in his own experince still the same I had to end our friendship in 1988 cause I couldn't deal with the pain.Thanks again for your advice


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#36581 - 01/12/06 11:14 PM Re: newbie
Dominic Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
pjn,

welcome to tbe board my friend. Everyone here is great and very supportive.

If you have memories and think it happened bud, it happened. I think the majority of survivors are hesitant to trust their memories, feelings etc. That is pretty typicaly. I have experienced that same thing.

The board will help alot, as will therapy if you are ready for that step and do not have a therapist at this point.

Take care

You are loved

_________________________
Dominic

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#36582 - 01/13/06 02:32 AM Re: newbie
pjn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/06
Posts: 26
Loc: Southeast United States
yes I just went to the doc today to set up therapy hopefully I can find the courage to see this though.


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#36583 - 01/13/06 03:32 AM Re: newbie
Dominic Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
PJN- you have the courage to do so otherwise you would not be here. Just remember you are not alone and we know exactly how you feel. Everyone here is very supportive.

Glad to here you saw the doc today. That is a major step and takes a lot of courage!

Love and light my friend

_________________________
Dominic

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