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#365759 - 07/10/11 06:25 PM Triggers SUCK!
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
My son had a MAJOR Trigger today and I am feeling like going postal. We were at our Community Pool and my son saw a man that looked like one of the perps that CSA'd him and my nephew. He stood like a deer in the headlights and urinated. He is better now and I am so lost. He has not been in therapy for a while and I will call in the am to make an appointment for us.
Does anyone remember how they dealt with these horrible memories? He knows that it was not his fault and knows that he is safe. It was like he was transported back in time and forgot all of his coping skills he learned in therapy. I can't even think straight right now, I have to get it together and get over my Knife in Heart heavy feeling and continue to be strong for the boys.

Thank you for listening.

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#365761 - 07/10/11 06:55 PM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: didi]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I have no advice (except therapy of course, which you are already planning) but I'm very sorry this happened. I can't imagine the pain of watching your child deal with this AS a child.


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#365773 - 07/11/11 02:21 AM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Didi:

I'm guessing this is not your first experience with a flashback, although this does not seem like a "flashback" by definition. No, this seems more like fright and flight shock. The urination is common and he should not feel badly about that at all. The freezing in shock is common to. He was facing what he thought was an element of real threat. I ran into Dean many years after he dumped me and went off to Boston College. I was at Logan Airpt in Boston and there he was, at a phone booth, as smug and overly confident as ever. This is the guy who gutted my very being. He humiliated me and raped-out my soul for YEARS. And there he is..There he is. In an instant, my heart crawled up my throwt and my feet were welded to the floor. In the greatest bout of panic in 16 years, I was able to not have a heart-attack and manage to flee in slow motion. I still have nightmares of this to this very day.

I'd say the pool incident was a traumatic event for your son in and of itself.

If I were your son, at any age (and I don't know his age), I'd want to hear genuine and fortified reassurance that you don't judge him for the flash-fear and reactions. Yeah....I'd REALLY need to hear that from you. Mr T is nice, but you carry the real juice. Sorry if you have already done this. I'm just shooting here.

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#365777 - 07/11/11 07:49 AM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: Still]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Thank You Hopeforhim, I appreciate your response.

Hi Robbie,

You are correct, it was not the traditional flashback. It was exactly like your experience with your feet being welded to the floor very briefly.

My son is currently 7. I always look at our surroundings so that I can "whisk him away" or prepare for a trigger. I knew something was wrong right away, he did not even have to tell me.

He bounced back after the initial shock and continued playing, but I guarantee neither one of us will forget that.
I have to research different coping skills for trauma in kids. Sitting around wishing I could help is not an option. I want to try and help him find a way to be better prepared when this happens again.

Thank You for your input!

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#365847 - 07/12/11 08:44 AM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: didi]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: didi
I knew something was wrong right away, he did not even have to tell me.


I hope you know of the pure gold in that.

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Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

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#365881 - 07/12/11 11:13 PM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: Still]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
Dear Didi,

I've been thinking about your posts on the recent encounter of your son. It must have brought back some the turmoils that you've tried working really hard together to overcome. I felt your heart breaks and wanted you to know that another mother really cares about you and your beloved child during a time of pain and fear.

Though I don't have any specific advice on how to deal with triggers (you've already taken the proper action to seek professional help for him), I hope you to take into considerations of a larger picture of helping him to heal this trauma. From my own struggles dealing with CSA (my sons still have to see their grandma on regular basis), I feel that the best way to protect them is to help them to become stronger both physically and emotionally. Many psychological impacts of CSA include anger, shame, guilt, isolation, ect. Therapies and coping skills can help with the symptoms. But helping children to develop a philosophy for life would build a foundation for their whole well-being.

Specifically I have a family friend whose nephews have cystic fibrosis. Her five yo son started fund raise for his cousins this year. One of my twins has hydrocephalus, and I was devastated when he was diagnosed at two. But these children are thriving. And your son and nephew too. Even he reacted by triggers, he bounced back quickly and continued to play. This is all positive. Inspiring him with stories of brave children fighting against diseases and disabilities, encouraging him to participate in helping other unfortunate children, and (if you haven't tried this) enrolling him in taekwondo classes. The purpose is to empower him to find his values and strength and confidence. The recent post Raising Balanced Children by sasuva under Off Topic is a good read as well.

You've been a strong and caring and resourceful mother for your son, and that will continue to make all the differences for him. One more thing, please take care of yourself. I know it's hard when all you could think of is to help him better. But you're setting an example for him how to cope as well.

KT


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#365885 - 07/12/11 11:46 PM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: Keeptrying]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hi Robbie,

Thank you for validating how "In Tune" I am trying to be
with my son and his pain. I truly appreciate your input!

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#365886 - 07/12/11 11:48 PM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hi Robbie,

Thank you for validating how "In Tune" I am trying to be
with my son and his pain. I truly appreciate your input!

Take care,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#365888 - 07/12/11 11:49 PM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: Keeptrying]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello KT,

I would like to Thank You for your kind words and input.

Quote:
The purpose is to empower him to find his values and strength and confidence.

I agree with this 100%. In addition to Karate he plays three other seasonal sports
And swims. My son is strong physically and emotionally. I believe that the children
And the Men here that were CSA’d all have an inner strength far beyond what they
Give themselves credit for. They had to be and now they ARE all survivors.

My hope for our children and all of the Men/Boys here is that they realize how strong
And brave they are to have gone through what they had to endure. Once my son
Is able to come to this reality, that will be the “Secret Weapon” to jumping over the
Wave of panic once triggered. It is not a cure all, but it is a good start toward coping.

You have your hands full with the CSA issues and your son with hydrocephalus.
Hopefully the treatment your doctor is choosing is helping him to not have many
Neurological issues from the fluid. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Warm Regards,

Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#365939 - 07/14/11 12:08 AM Re: Triggers SUCK! [Re: didi]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6815
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: didi
My son had a MAJOR Trigger today and I am feeling like going postal. We were at our Community Pool and my son saw a man that looked like one of the perps that CSA'd him and my nephew. He stood like a deer in the headlights and urinated. He is better now and I am so lost.

I actually had some similar responses when I "remembered" the traumatic abuse when I was 12. We've talked about it before.

I was a respected teacher. When I remembered abuse it was so extremely vivid that it was like watching a movie you could feel and hear and smell. The details of what happened and what was said were very fresh, as a package that hasn't been opened for many years but then when it is opened it looks and sounds and feels just like it did many years before.

That was my mind set. I also felt like I was at the age of the abuse, 12.

But something in me picked out people in my environment who resembled the perpetrator of my abuse. There were 3 such people. There I was, an adult and a teacher. But that something in me was having these extremely strong responses to several people. I actually acted something like a boy in that when I saw those people I would break into tears.

I started seeing a good T. He told me that it was PTSD. Just knowing what was happening and talking to someone who understood helped me a lot. But then he helped me to become aware of how to get over that reaction.

What he said was that when I started having that PTSD reaction I should become aware that I was really NOT BACK THERE at all. That I was who I was and not then. I was in NOW. I had to do was have this little book-mark in my mind. I was not compelled to react that way.

When I realized what I had been through, I started seeing some movies which helped to bring my emotions and feelings under control, in addition to counseling. One of these was Ransom. In that movie the traumatized boy saw the "perp" and leaked onto the floor. That movie showed the boy tied onto a bed. All of that helped to "validate" my emotions and memories.

Originally Posted By: didi

It was like he was transported back in time

yep' that's how it is. But it can be overcome.

And didi, do you need a little help carrying your heavy burdens?

Thank you for all you do.

Allen


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