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#365692 - 07/08/11 11:01 PM I'm tired of failing
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
This is a hard post to write.

I'm tired of failing in the "compassion and understanding" department as well as the "keeping my dignity" department.

Starting yesterday, I blew up at my ex (again today). I mean BAD. While some of the feelings were certainly justified, the way I've communicated them at times is not. I feel manipulative and mean, when I really just wanted to get across to him how hurt I am...without guilt tripping him. Of course, I wonder if that's possible? Is it possible for me to express how I feel without him feeling extremely guilty?

Anyway, I feel terrible that I let things get so bottled up that I just EXPLODED. Yes, I've vented here but it's not the same as telling him. I also wish I'd just learned to "say" how I feel in a brief manner followed by actions. But no. Instead I have bitched him out like in the "old days." I was doing SO much better. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I've tried so hard to be understanding and put HIS needs first that I've neglected mine so much that I went NUTS yesterday and today. Every time I said something purposely manipulative or meant to wound him, I winced on the inside.

I feel I've failed again. I really just want to be stronger.

I think the thing I regret the most is that I told him I hate his perps. What the hell is the matter with me?


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#365698 - 07/09/11 12:41 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hope,

You have felt the shame and frustration of the emotions overwhelming you. It is good to allow this hindsight to help us see how to rework future decisions and communications with the abused.

Guilt is about helping us change, not crushing and destroying us. Now is the time to see the changes we need to make and commit to them.

Soon, you will be able to interact with this survivor and express your frustration, hope, anxiety and support, as you are self aware of your own needs and emotions.

Supporting is impossibly difficult, Hope, I urge you to be mindful of your own "emotional tank", as you take time to encourage you as well, because you are working very hard, and only can show you how good and productive the results are for you.

Self care first, then the survivor, but the priority is you!

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#365704 - 07/09/11 05:46 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I don't really know what to say. I a female survivor of male abuse married to a male survivor of male abuse and a perp. of sexual abuse. My parents severely abused me. I went on as a teenager to have men sexually abuse me so that gives me a different point of view. It's hard to explain but there is almost always a trade off involved in the abuse even if the trade off is that you don't have to confront the perp. or make a big deal or confront the shame of what you almost feel even though it's not accurate that "you allowed to happen too you" even if you had no control so the abuse continues. I don't know if this is making any sense. I hope you are in real therapy because this needs real therapy. And you need to keep in mind that you need to maintain a healthy sexual relationship (if you had one to begin with) with your husband because his past is his past and not punish him for it now sexually. I don't know if you have read my other posts but I did come from a place of rage at one time, I believe if you are going to rage to go somewhere safe and anon. and get it over and done with which I know horrified some survivors. I had just found out and I had my husband pull out of traffic into the sleaziest motel you can imagine and I had my rage fit. I mean I blew up. And it did hurt him. But when it was over, I am big on visualization so I had each of us individually take showers and wash the ickiness of that moment off and we calmed down and went home. And it's not to say, I never have moments where I can't deal but we do have a room with a separate twin bed and I will go lay in there and if he he comes home and says, "Can I come in? and I say 'No, not right now, I need to be alone'", he knows I have something going through my head I need to deal with. And sometimes it's a half hour and sometimes it's 4. I mean sometimes I really don't want/can't to deal with it and you need to realize that has nothing to do with our relationship or anything he did to me mind you. That's my problem. That's in my head. You need to find a safe place to rage inside yourself and not take it out on him. During my first marriage when I was dealing with my own sexual abuse, and this will sound insane, I took a huge throw pillow and laid in the walk in closet in the dark until my brain was done filtering what it needed to filter because it was womb like in there and I felt safe. I have also sat in car in the garage in the dark. I know it sounds nuts but until I feel I can act like a civilized human being, I take myself to "a safe place" whatever that may be and I sit there in my rage and hate until it's over and sometimes I'll be honest I will sit there in rage and hate until I fall asleep and then I wake up everything is okay.


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#365709 - 07/09/11 10:47 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks Sam and Katie,

@Sam, I don't know if it matters anymore because I imagine things are quickly drawing to a close. The problem is, I'd like to apologize for the things that I said wrong, but aside from a couple comments, I'm really not sure what to apologize for. Perhaps the WAY I said things? I dunno.

@Katie, I was doing much, much better after being on MS for almost a year, but two things happened recently to set me off. I did TRY to deal with things civilly but recently he put up another wall of silence and I just had enough. (He's not my husband, btw, he's my ex-boyfriend.) I do normally try to vent in other ways...on MS, talking to friends, writing, exercise, you name it. I was pretty proud of myself for improving so much but I feel this time maybe there is no turning back. I'm SO angry and hurt for some things he's done.

I'm trying really hard to examine what exactly I said wrong or said in a bad way, but there was so much that I'm not sure how to sort it out.


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#365711 - 07/09/11 12:42 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Well, I sent a brief email apologizing for any mean or inappropriate things I said (I didn't back down on my feelings, just apologized for what needed it). I called my cell phone provider a few minutes later and had my number changed. That is to keep him from contacting me but also so that I am less likely to find a way to "vent" inappropriately.

I've purged so many reminders of him...sheets, bedspread, even the curtains and most of the towels. I imagine I will even get rid of some clothes that hold particular reminders. I posted all my books about CSA or that deal with another condition he has online to sell...what doesn't sell is going to Goodwill soon. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm "trashing" him. I just need painful reminders gone.


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#365712 - 07/09/11 01:51 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I understand. Really. I am sorry. I didn't realize he was an ex. If my opinion matters, I think you did the right thing. He doesn't need to be contacting you and rubbing salt in wounds and what I call "nose picking" (I picture two year olds who pick their nose until it's infected) or "scab picking". I too am the type to need to purge. I wouldn't even try to sell the books honestly because then you have to look at them, send them to somebody, etc. I would dump them at a thrift store with the other stuff. Or if you know of a therapist who could use them, dump them in their lobby. If it's that painful, sometimes you don't need to just let sleeping dogs die. You need to euthanize them. I don't mean kill him of course. Meaning cut all ties. I still hope that you are getting therapy for your hurt feelings to heal yourself but you don't need him continuing to hurt you. Two of my husband's four brothers just LOVE to relive the past and make everyone miserable about everything and I had to as cold as it sounds, just cut them off. I say they have serious case of "need to get the f over it - itis" and not that they don't need therapy but if they aren't actively trying to get better, why should I stand there and put up with abuse?


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#365714 - 07/09/11 02:03 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Katie. Honestly, part of the number change is so I don't contact HIM. While there is a danger of him contacting me (he does so quite regularly even when I don't want to talk), there is also a danger of me doing the same. Mostly I'm scared of a repeat of the last two days...my extreme venting and lashing out. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIM even if he has done really shitty stuff to me. My responsibility lies in myself...I must get out of the situation or I have no right to complain about how he treats me. Even if we were married I'd have a responsibility to set and keep boundaries. I guess I should count myself lucky to not be married so I can just "get out."

I agree that it's best to get rid of things ASAP. I actually already sold two of the books so that was good. If the rest don't sell by tomorrow (I can't go to Goodwill today) then I will dump them when I take some more stuff to Goodwill. It's funny because I just moved into a new apartment about a week ago so I have been purging like crazy (not just stuff that reminds me of my ex). It's like this came at the perfect time...a new start to life. New apartment, new "decorations," new phone number. I wish I could change my email address but it's really too inconvenient plus I just did that a year ago. I will just have to block him that way and make myself not use it. The worst part is that we still have lots of mutual friends, so it's hard to truly cut ties. I'm doing what I can, though.

Thanks for the replies. It helps to vent on here and I wish I'd done so the last two days more often...maybe I wouldn't have lost it. I also have missed my 12-step group two weeks in a row due to moving and work, so I missed the calming experience of that.

I hope you are staying strong, Katie, and taking care of yourself. I know you are in a really tough situation.


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#365720 - 07/09/11 02:49 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I am very fortunate. Not only do I have the therapy. I have a female best friend who is a vault. And I know this will blow some people's minds, I was with my ex husband for 19 years and while he is very pro Adam, he always makes sure that I am okay first and he is also a vault. And Adam's other two brothers are ALWAYS there for me. My ex put me through over a decade of therapy for my own abuse so I have quite the "tool box" of coping mechanisms. I know a lot of people hear me and go "she can't really go that okay" but I am. I don't want to go into my own abuse as I don't feel this is the place but if you knew the horrors I have survived personally and that I came out them the other side okay, it would blow you away. Mind you at times, I went to therapy 3 or 4 times a week for extended periods of time. I sort of know what you are going through with your ex but for a different reason. I have a felon extreme drug addict sister who does in her own sick way love me very much. I mean she would take a bullet for me. And it took me oh I don't know 15 years, to completely cut her out of my life. She's extremely not okay, not only that she's extremely self righteous in her not okayness and getting rid of her was like cutting off my left breast. I mean it was that traumatic. And the urge to phone or or email her, etc. sometimes comes up but the extreme peace I have in my soul from staying away from her is worth it. She tried to kill me repeatedly seriously. Once when she was pregnant, she was choking me to death and I was about to die and my mother walked in and seriously cold cocked her or I would be dead now. And our relationship is that sick but I still do wonder if she's okay and stuff. But I have gotten to a place through therapy where it doesn't matter how she is, etc. because the pain she WILL not if inflict on me is not worth it. Mind you my brother died in 1989 and she is my only sibling. Hopefully as much as you want to know he is okay, you through therapy will get to the place where I have where people who cause you emotional carnage are to be disregarded regardless of the curiosity factor. As much as it hurts, sometimes it is best regardless of guilt, history, twisted love, etc. to walk away and never turn back.

Love,

Katie


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#365732 - 07/09/11 10:56 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Katie. Yes, I know this relationship is toxic under the circumstances. Can I say I will never turn back? I really don't know. If something changed, maybe, but right now there is no point in even considering that as a possibility. It's best to act as if things are over. I'm sorry you had to cut your sister out of your life. I agree that your sister and my ex do love us in their own way, but that does not mean we are obligated to keep them in our lives when there is no true attempt to get better on their part.

I am doing okay, but this is not easy. I think changing my phone number today was a really good move. It gives me a good "fresh start" feeling. It's great timing too that I moved into this new apartment where he doesn't know the address. Again, I'm not putting this all on him. I partly changed my number so I am not tempted to contact HIM.

Thanks for the support. As always, the people on MS help keep me sane.


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#365856 - 07/12/11 11:27 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi hope4him.
One never fails, we only learn through experience.
You really need to stop beating yourself up about things you have no control over. Your bitching at the ex was simply a desire to get some form of acknowledgement from him that he has done you wrong. We know he has.
Now please. Even if the relationship is over, get yourself to Al-Anon and let the girls there help you to regain self Work on your own issues and let the EX deal with his own. It seems that you are dying to be in this codependant relationship,why?

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#365859 - 07/12/11 12:17 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: whome]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Hope, so sorry for what you are going through! Just wanted to send you a hug! You are amazing! Please don't be so hard on yourself. I know its easy to say, as I find myself doing same thing! you have been loyal loving and a true friend (plus many more positives). I hope in your pain you can be proud of yourself for being who he probably wishes he could be.


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#365862 - 07/12/11 01:42 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: sally123]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Whome I am already in Al Anon and other 12 Step groups. I am not "dying" to be in the relationship anymore or I wouldn't have left. It's less to do with "dying" to be in the relationship and more to do with the fact that maybe I understood his pain just a little too much...cared too much. In any case, I'm not in it anymore, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt...and hurt doesn't mean I'm weak or dying to be treated badly. Anyway, thanks for the support to take care of myself and other suggestions.

@Sally, thanks for the encouragement. I am in a better place than a few days ago. I just despise lashing out at anyone (not just my ex) so it is hard for me to deal with when it happens. I don't like being bitter or expressing my anger in inappropriate ways. It doesn't matter if someone did just that to me...I do not want to be vengeful and give back what I was given. I am proud of myself for at least trying to be understanding though my understanding lasted too long...that is, I tried too long to stay and support him when it wasn't the right thing to do anymore. I have a lot of compassion for him and I am thankful for what I've learned here. Now I'm just trying to take care of myself.


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#365865 - 07/12/11 01:53 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6574
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
H4H,

Both of you are dealing with weapons-grade plutonium pain. What I have come to use to at least explain (not justify...just explain) all the turmoil...all the fkg hellacious turmoil that CSA brings to life, is this: "Its the nature of the business."

There's no changing that, this, then, him, you, us, to be anything other than under the dictum and conditions of CSA.

Just as Baseball is Baseball, CSA is what it is. You know I've gone through hell and back several times. I've lost everything (as in "everything"). I have literally no choice but to be subject to the conditions of CSA.

I TRULY, TRULY believe WE (both jointly and individually) all dictate the outcomes. My outcome was a very bad, bloody crash-n-burn. Other's have had great landings with their S.O.s and spouses. There are SO many variables, no one can identify a formula for a great landing, but WE all ARE (individually and jointly) responsible for the outcome...the landing.

I'm dreadfully sorry any human has to go through any of this.

_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#365867 - 07/12/11 03:38 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I just wanted to say with truly toxic unhealthy people like this, it's kind of like a diabetic cutting off a foot that has gang green (I know I spelled that wrong) to save their life. It's 100% necessary and there is no other choice. It's hard. It's painful. You will miss that foot forever. But you are preserving the rest of your life. I don't know if that makes sense. Sometimes my analogies are a little weird. Please get into CODA TODAY and go every day as much as you can. Call their frigging 800 number if you have to. Do what you have to do but stay the hell away from him. He is toxic like eating arsenic. If you go back to him, you are in a sinking row boat trying to bail it out with a Dixie cup. It will NEVER work. When I left my horrible ex husband, my friend, Kathy said to me, "Go on eharmony.com and find somebody,you're too good to be alone". I am not promoting that web site but honey, you're too good to be alone too. Go find somebody healthy. And yes, that is how I met my wonderful Adam.


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#365869 - 07/12/11 05:22 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Robbie, I am very sorry for what you have gone through. You are right that CSA is pretty much always going to be hell to deal with...for the survivor or supporters. I also agree that while we are subject to the conditions of CSA, we do have control over the outcomes (at least, I think that's what you're saying). I am not a puppet to the circumstances anymore than my ex is. He can't help what circumstances he was delivered (in terms of his childhood), but he (and I) have control over our lives as adults. Can we control other people's actions even now? No. You could not control your wife, the lawyer, the judge, etc. We can, however, control our thoughts toward ourselves and how we treat ourselves. That is why I chose to leave.

@Katie, I am already in 12 step groups that deal with codependency. While I've looked at CODA, I really don't want to add yet another group to my schedule right now (one can overdose on recovery as well). In any case, yes, I am getting help. You are right that things will never work out under the circumstances. I cannot "doom" him as being a person who will never get better because that is not true, but yes under the circumstances "it"...the relationship...will never work. As for dating others, while I may do that some day (who knows...I really can't tell the future), 1) I think it's unhealthy to start dating when I need to work on myself and so soon after being involved with my ex...plus unfair to use someone to get over him and 2) I don't think being "good" or "bad" has anything to do with being alone. While I appreciate the compliment, there is nothing at all wrong with being single (whether by choice or because I haven't been asked out or whatever). I don't need a man to be complete. Anyway, when the time comes, I hope that I WILL find someone healthy rather than someone who hurts me, as I imagine is your main concern by what you wrote. That is why I'm taking time for myself...because I want to examine myself, work on some things, and make sure I don't repeat the same unhealthy choices.


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#365892 - 07/13/11 01:49 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Sorry might have been a bit harsh, Had a tough day dealing with people that don't want to see the truth, and refuse to take responsibility. My words may have come across harsh.
I feel for you, I really do, but I feel for your partner who seems to hold on to the fact that he needs to suffer alone. Seems not all are willing to heal their lives
Again sorry If I sounded harsh
Heal well
God Speed
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#365915 - 07/13/11 01:22 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I'm sorry you had a rough day, Martin. I, too, feel for my ex for his belief that he is "bad" and must suffer. I suppose that's partly what made it hard to leave...he truly does not want to hurt me or do things that are wrong. As for myself, it is true that I must take responsibility by leaving the situation, which is why I am doing so. I am hurt by him and angry, but if I stay it is my fault essentially that these things are happening over and over. I am not trying to play victim by my posts, just venting. I truly hope my ex gets some healing.


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#365926 - 07/13/11 06:28 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
hi hope--

it's been a few weeks since i have been on here. i'm so sorry you're going through this and that i wasn't on here to help given how much you have helped me.

i know you love him. as you told me, you must come first, and you must give yourself permission to put your foot down. it's so hard because we love them so much and want them to get better. you cautioned me about enabling ben not to do the work and not to have to fight for the one person who gets him and loves him the most...now it's my turn.

if he loves you and wants to get better, what you've done might be the kick in his ass he needs to do his work. if not, well then, you've taken a very healthy step toward reclaiming your happiness. you deserve love and respect, especially from him as his partner/supporter.

we know they can only give it in certain ways, in certain codes, and with a million limitations...but we deserve it just the same.as you told me, you get to change your mind a million times, based on how he responds to your needs and pleas and vents. for now, give yourself permission that you made the right choice. tomorrow give yourself permission to change your mind if he satisfies you that he took a step to helping himself (if you so choose).

our hearts break every time, even when we have been hurt so deeply and they have behaved so badly...acknowledging why and balancing it with over accomodating is our struggle every day.

take comfort in knowing we are all here for you, how ever this plays out smile

take care and hang in!


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#365934 - 07/13/11 09:46 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: lovingBen]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
LovingBen,

Thanks so much for that. Your message really almost brought me to tears because this is so hard at times. Tonight as I was driving home I felt a terrible pang and loss. Even now I am on the verge of tears.

You are right, what I suggested to you is the very same thing I need to do (and am trying to do) for myself. I hold myself to such a high standard sometimes. While right now I am walking away as if this is "final," you are right that I do not have to make it final IF he were to get it together and get help and work on healing. However, I also cannot count on that nor live my life waiting for it to happen. It's a weird place to be. I guess I could describe it as a "probably forever" decision.

I appreciate all the help on here especially during a week when my nerves are shot and my emotions are a roller coaster more so than normal I think. Still, there is a calmness and steadiness underlying my feelings that I never had before I learned so much from MS and therapy and 12-Step groups.

Perhaps right now would be a good time to share that today has had its bright moments. After weeks and weeks of job searching for a summer job and/or fall job (as I finish my last year of grad school), I checked my email just a few minutes ago and found that my program director had sent me an offer to teach once again this fall AND spring (different subject, but still in my field and one I've taught before). It is not definite but just the great possibility was a huge relief and made me feel like all my efforts to take care of myself are being rewarded. This is "my" year. I will make it count. I have a fresh start in a new apartment and hopefully this new job. I don't think it's a coincidence that my "MS birthday" is in just a few days. I hope this time in my life will mark a lot of "birthdays." :-)


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#365949 - 07/14/11 03:09 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
This is the joy of this site, I suppose, it is the fact that we can Vent and in so doing find answers and healing. I have said it on this site to many different people, so bear with me if you are one of these.
The most important thing in any disfuntional relationship is that the "well" party needs to remain just that, 'WELL'. If you colapse then there is no hope. If you need to leave that situation to remain well then that IS what you MUST do. It does not have to be anything permanent.
By removing yourself from that Toxic relationship you do two things.
1 you are no longer closely involved so you can attain a better overall view of the things that are happening
2 You can take this time to HEAL YOURSELF. You cannot take time for yourself if you are constantly living in fear or afraid of what will happen next. Use this time to go through your "Codependents no more" book and work the exercises (You do have the Book right?)
the 3rd thing achieved here is that the H has to face his demons alone, and deal with them.
You are married to the man but You are not his KEEPER. you are his lover his queen and the light of his life, but you are not responsible for his pain. He chooses to hold on to it. You need to learn to separate, your role as lover and your role as healer, and never the twain shall meet.
It is harder to repair two broken vesels, than to patch one.

Stay strong and HEAL WELL
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#365959 - 07/14/11 09:08 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi Hope--

I'm so glad i was able to bring you some comfort back...you have been such an inspiration and sourse of strength and wellness for me too!

give yourself permission to be sad and to mourn. but try to find strength and peace to go out in the world and be open to whatever strikes your fancy.

being with friends, on a 1st (or 2nd) date, or even just with yourself has made my life and my love and support for ben easier many times.

moving forward doesn't have to mean with that final-final line in the sand that leaves him behind. if he does his work and takes a step or two, you may change your mind...you might not. we get to make our own choices about everything. we are loving and good people who have withstood a lot to stay and love them. sometimes the best way to stay and love them is to leave, at least for now. that's about loving him as much as it is about loving yourself...neither of you will find happiness in any context if he doesn't do the work and you keep having your heart crushed.

he will either fight for you or he won't...but either way, how you live is us up to you...and you abolsutely get to change your mind a million times!! :-)

please PM whenever you'd like...i am proud of you, and am sending you good energy and courage!


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#365961 - 07/14/11 09:27 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: whome]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
H4H, I know you know that you and I are in similar situations. I truly feel your pain, but we are not responsible for their healing. I am still freakishly ok with my decision. I feel I took some of my power back. Now is his time to reflect and decide without me, the dog or any distractions in the house as to which direction he wants to go. This cycle went on for too long. I read of relationships of 10+years. He and I have not even hit 5 and I've reached my limit. We are wonderful human beings, H4H...God's children...and deserve to be treated the way God intended for us to be treated. We all deserve happiness. Including our partners, but that is up to them to decide if they are worthy of it or not. I believe myself and my family did all we could to make my bf feel he is worthy and part of this family who love him and do not judge him in any way.

whome, you are better than any therapist I've ever sat with (well all two of them, lol). Not only do you speak so honestly to us partners but you do so with such compassion. Your response to H4H very well applies to my situation as well, and I will certainly reflect on this. Thank you for all of your contributions on here. You and the other survivors are a Godsend!


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#365963 - 07/14/11 09:58 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: aloved1]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Whome, thanks for the encouragement. I do have the book though I had to take a break from reading it right now because the pain is too fresh to focus on things that remind me of him at the moment (though I know codependency is my issue, it reminds me of my involvement with him). I do still attend my 12-Step group so that is something, at least. (P.S. I am not married to him...he's my ex-boyfriend.)

@LB, thanks for the words. I have found many times that some days are just crash and burn days when you just can't take it anymore and you have to have a little "breakdown" and vent.

@aloved1, I am glad you have decided to take care of yourself as well. I, too, feel great compassion for my ex though he must make these decisions for healing himself, as you said. I cannot sit around constantly trying to build him up or put up with behavior that is disrespectful to me just because I hurt for him. That just drains me dry of my own emotional well.


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