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#365959 - 07/14/11 09:08 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
Hi Hope--

I'm so glad i was able to bring you some comfort back...you have been such an inspiration and sourse of strength and wellness for me too!

give yourself permission to be sad and to mourn. but try to find strength and peace to go out in the world and be open to whatever strikes your fancy.

being with friends, on a 1st (or 2nd) date, or even just with yourself has made my life and my love and support for ben easier many times.

moving forward doesn't have to mean with that final-final line in the sand that leaves him behind. if he does his work and takes a step or two, you may change your mind...you might not. we get to make our own choices about everything. we are loving and good people who have withstood a lot to stay and love them. sometimes the best way to stay and love them is to leave, at least for now. that's about loving him as much as it is about loving yourself...neither of you will find happiness in any context if he doesn't do the work and you keep having your heart crushed.

he will either fight for you or he won't...but either way, how you live is us up to you...and you abolsutely get to change your mind a million times!! :-)

please PM whenever you'd like...i am proud of you, and am sending you good energy and courage!


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#365961 - 07/14/11 09:27 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: whome]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
H4H, I know you know that you and I are in similar situations. I truly feel your pain, but we are not responsible for their healing. I am still freakishly ok with my decision. I feel I took some of my power back. Now is his time to reflect and decide without me, the dog or any distractions in the house as to which direction he wants to go. This cycle went on for too long. I read of relationships of 10+years. He and I have not even hit 5 and I've reached my limit. We are wonderful human beings, H4H...God's children...and deserve to be treated the way God intended for us to be treated. We all deserve happiness. Including our partners, but that is up to them to decide if they are worthy of it or not. I believe myself and my family did all we could to make my bf feel he is worthy and part of this family who love him and do not judge him in any way.

whome, you are better than any therapist I've ever sat with (well all two of them, lol). Not only do you speak so honestly to us partners but you do so with such compassion. Your response to H4H very well applies to my situation as well, and I will certainly reflect on this. Thank you for all of your contributions on here. You and the other survivors are a Godsend!


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#365963 - 07/14/11 09:58 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: aloved1]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Whome, thanks for the encouragement. I do have the book though I had to take a break from reading it right now because the pain is too fresh to focus on things that remind me of him at the moment (though I know codependency is my issue, it reminds me of my involvement with him). I do still attend my 12-Step group so that is something, at least. (P.S. I am not married to him...he's my ex-boyfriend.)

@LB, thanks for the words. I have found many times that some days are just crash and burn days when you just can't take it anymore and you have to have a little "breakdown" and vent.

@aloved1, I am glad you have decided to take care of yourself as well. I, too, feel great compassion for my ex though he must make these decisions for healing himself, as you said. I cannot sit around constantly trying to build him up or put up with behavior that is disrespectful to me just because I hurt for him. That just drains me dry of my own emotional well.


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