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#365692 - 07/08/11 11:01 PM I'm tired of failing
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
This is a hard post to write.

I'm tired of failing in the "compassion and understanding" department as well as the "keeping my dignity" department.

Starting yesterday, I blew up at my ex (again today). I mean BAD. While some of the feelings were certainly justified, the way I've communicated them at times is not. I feel manipulative and mean, when I really just wanted to get across to him how hurt I am...without guilt tripping him. Of course, I wonder if that's possible? Is it possible for me to express how I feel without him feeling extremely guilty?

Anyway, I feel terrible that I let things get so bottled up that I just EXPLODED. Yes, I've vented here but it's not the same as telling him. I also wish I'd just learned to "say" how I feel in a brief manner followed by actions. But no. Instead I have bitched him out like in the "old days." I was doing SO much better. Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I've tried so hard to be understanding and put HIS needs first that I've neglected mine so much that I went NUTS yesterday and today. Every time I said something purposely manipulative or meant to wound him, I winced on the inside.

I feel I've failed again. I really just want to be stronger.

I think the thing I regret the most is that I told him I hate his perps. What the hell is the matter with me?


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#365698 - 07/09/11 12:41 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hope,

You have felt the shame and frustration of the emotions overwhelming you. It is good to allow this hindsight to help us see how to rework future decisions and communications with the abused.

Guilt is about helping us change, not crushing and destroying us. Now is the time to see the changes we need to make and commit to them.

Soon, you will be able to interact with this survivor and express your frustration, hope, anxiety and support, as you are self aware of your own needs and emotions.

Supporting is impossibly difficult, Hope, I urge you to be mindful of your own "emotional tank", as you take time to encourage you as well, because you are working very hard, and only can show you how good and productive the results are for you.

Self care first, then the survivor, but the priority is you!

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#365704 - 07/09/11 05:46 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I don't really know what to say. I a female survivor of male abuse married to a male survivor of male abuse and a perp. of sexual abuse. My parents severely abused me. I went on as a teenager to have men sexually abuse me so that gives me a different point of view. It's hard to explain but there is almost always a trade off involved in the abuse even if the trade off is that you don't have to confront the perp. or make a big deal or confront the shame of what you almost feel even though it's not accurate that "you allowed to happen too you" even if you had no control so the abuse continues. I don't know if this is making any sense. I hope you are in real therapy because this needs real therapy. And you need to keep in mind that you need to maintain a healthy sexual relationship (if you had one to begin with) with your husband because his past is his past and not punish him for it now sexually. I don't know if you have read my other posts but I did come from a place of rage at one time, I believe if you are going to rage to go somewhere safe and anon. and get it over and done with which I know horrified some survivors. I had just found out and I had my husband pull out of traffic into the sleaziest motel you can imagine and I had my rage fit. I mean I blew up. And it did hurt him. But when it was over, I am big on visualization so I had each of us individually take showers and wash the ickiness of that moment off and we calmed down and went home. And it's not to say, I never have moments where I can't deal but we do have a room with a separate twin bed and I will go lay in there and if he he comes home and says, "Can I come in? and I say 'No, not right now, I need to be alone'", he knows I have something going through my head I need to deal with. And sometimes it's a half hour and sometimes it's 4. I mean sometimes I really don't want/can't to deal with it and you need to realize that has nothing to do with our relationship or anything he did to me mind you. That's my problem. That's in my head. You need to find a safe place to rage inside yourself and not take it out on him. During my first marriage when I was dealing with my own sexual abuse, and this will sound insane, I took a huge throw pillow and laid in the walk in closet in the dark until my brain was done filtering what it needed to filter because it was womb like in there and I felt safe. I have also sat in car in the garage in the dark. I know it sounds nuts but until I feel I can act like a civilized human being, I take myself to "a safe place" whatever that may be and I sit there in my rage and hate until it's over and sometimes I'll be honest I will sit there in rage and hate until I fall asleep and then I wake up everything is okay.


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#365709 - 07/09/11 10:47 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks Sam and Katie,

@Sam, I don't know if it matters anymore because I imagine things are quickly drawing to a close. The problem is, I'd like to apologize for the things that I said wrong, but aside from a couple comments, I'm really not sure what to apologize for. Perhaps the WAY I said things? I dunno.

@Katie, I was doing much, much better after being on MS for almost a year, but two things happened recently to set me off. I did TRY to deal with things civilly but recently he put up another wall of silence and I just had enough. (He's not my husband, btw, he's my ex-boyfriend.) I do normally try to vent in other ways...on MS, talking to friends, writing, exercise, you name it. I was pretty proud of myself for improving so much but I feel this time maybe there is no turning back. I'm SO angry and hurt for some things he's done.

I'm trying really hard to examine what exactly I said wrong or said in a bad way, but there was so much that I'm not sure how to sort it out.


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#365711 - 07/09/11 12:42 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Well, I sent a brief email apologizing for any mean or inappropriate things I said (I didn't back down on my feelings, just apologized for what needed it). I called my cell phone provider a few minutes later and had my number changed. That is to keep him from contacting me but also so that I am less likely to find a way to "vent" inappropriately.

I've purged so many reminders of him...sheets, bedspread, even the curtains and most of the towels. I imagine I will even get rid of some clothes that hold particular reminders. I posted all my books about CSA or that deal with another condition he has online to sell...what doesn't sell is going to Goodwill soon. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm "trashing" him. I just need painful reminders gone.


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#365712 - 07/09/11 01:51 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I understand. Really. I am sorry. I didn't realize he was an ex. If my opinion matters, I think you did the right thing. He doesn't need to be contacting you and rubbing salt in wounds and what I call "nose picking" (I picture two year olds who pick their nose until it's infected) or "scab picking". I too am the type to need to purge. I wouldn't even try to sell the books honestly because then you have to look at them, send them to somebody, etc. I would dump them at a thrift store with the other stuff. Or if you know of a therapist who could use them, dump them in their lobby. If it's that painful, sometimes you don't need to just let sleeping dogs die. You need to euthanize them. I don't mean kill him of course. Meaning cut all ties. I still hope that you are getting therapy for your hurt feelings to heal yourself but you don't need him continuing to hurt you. Two of my husband's four brothers just LOVE to relive the past and make everyone miserable about everything and I had to as cold as it sounds, just cut them off. I say they have serious case of "need to get the f over it - itis" and not that they don't need therapy but if they aren't actively trying to get better, why should I stand there and put up with abuse?


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#365714 - 07/09/11 02:03 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Katie. Honestly, part of the number change is so I don't contact HIM. While there is a danger of him contacting me (he does so quite regularly even when I don't want to talk), there is also a danger of me doing the same. Mostly I'm scared of a repeat of the last two days...my extreme venting and lashing out. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT HIM even if he has done really shitty stuff to me. My responsibility lies in myself...I must get out of the situation or I have no right to complain about how he treats me. Even if we were married I'd have a responsibility to set and keep boundaries. I guess I should count myself lucky to not be married so I can just "get out."

I agree that it's best to get rid of things ASAP. I actually already sold two of the books so that was good. If the rest don't sell by tomorrow (I can't go to Goodwill today) then I will dump them when I take some more stuff to Goodwill. It's funny because I just moved into a new apartment about a week ago so I have been purging like crazy (not just stuff that reminds me of my ex). It's like this came at the perfect time...a new start to life. New apartment, new "decorations," new phone number. I wish I could change my email address but it's really too inconvenient plus I just did that a year ago. I will just have to block him that way and make myself not use it. The worst part is that we still have lots of mutual friends, so it's hard to truly cut ties. I'm doing what I can, though.

Thanks for the replies. It helps to vent on here and I wish I'd done so the last two days more often...maybe I wouldn't have lost it. I also have missed my 12-step group two weeks in a row due to moving and work, so I missed the calming experience of that.

I hope you are staying strong, Katie, and taking care of yourself. I know you are in a really tough situation.


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#365720 - 07/09/11 02:49 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
I am very fortunate. Not only do I have the therapy. I have a female best friend who is a vault. And I know this will blow some people's minds, I was with my ex husband for 19 years and while he is very pro Adam, he always makes sure that I am okay first and he is also a vault. And Adam's other two brothers are ALWAYS there for me. My ex put me through over a decade of therapy for my own abuse so I have quite the "tool box" of coping mechanisms. I know a lot of people hear me and go "she can't really go that okay" but I am. I don't want to go into my own abuse as I don't feel this is the place but if you knew the horrors I have survived personally and that I came out them the other side okay, it would blow you away. Mind you at times, I went to therapy 3 or 4 times a week for extended periods of time. I sort of know what you are going through with your ex but for a different reason. I have a felon extreme drug addict sister who does in her own sick way love me very much. I mean she would take a bullet for me. And it took me oh I don't know 15 years, to completely cut her out of my life. She's extremely not okay, not only that she's extremely self righteous in her not okayness and getting rid of her was like cutting off my left breast. I mean it was that traumatic. And the urge to phone or or email her, etc. sometimes comes up but the extreme peace I have in my soul from staying away from her is worth it. She tried to kill me repeatedly seriously. Once when she was pregnant, she was choking me to death and I was about to die and my mother walked in and seriously cold cocked her or I would be dead now. And our relationship is that sick but I still do wonder if she's okay and stuff. But I have gotten to a place through therapy where it doesn't matter how she is, etc. because the pain she WILL not if inflict on me is not worth it. Mind you my brother died in 1989 and she is my only sibling. Hopefully as much as you want to know he is okay, you through therapy will get to the place where I have where people who cause you emotional carnage are to be disregarded regardless of the curiosity factor. As much as it hurts, sometimes it is best regardless of guilt, history, twisted love, etc. to walk away and never turn back.

Love,

Katie


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#365732 - 07/09/11 10:56 PM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: katie1205]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks, Katie. Yes, I know this relationship is toxic under the circumstances. Can I say I will never turn back? I really don't know. If something changed, maybe, but right now there is no point in even considering that as a possibility. It's best to act as if things are over. I'm sorry you had to cut your sister out of your life. I agree that your sister and my ex do love us in their own way, but that does not mean we are obligated to keep them in our lives when there is no true attempt to get better on their part.

I am doing okay, but this is not easy. I think changing my phone number today was a really good move. It gives me a good "fresh start" feeling. It's great timing too that I moved into this new apartment where he doesn't know the address. Again, I'm not putting this all on him. I partly changed my number so I am not tempted to contact HIM.

Thanks for the support. As always, the people on MS help keep me sane.


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#365856 - 07/12/11 11:27 AM Re: I'm tired of failing [Re: hopeandtry]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi hope4him.
One never fails, we only learn through experience.
You really need to stop beating yourself up about things you have no control over. Your bitching at the ex was simply a desire to get some form of acknowledgement from him that he has done you wrong. We know he has.
Now please. Even if the relationship is over, get yourself to Al-Anon and let the girls there help you to regain self Work on your own issues and let the EX deal with his own. It seems that you are dying to be in this codependant relationship,why?

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Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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