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#365550 - 07/06/11 12:34 PM Deleted
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:05 AM)

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#365575 - 07/06/11 10:22 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Juan]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hey, Juan.

Just my opinion, but I'd bet money your lack of interest in sex has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're gay. Lack of interest in sex, low libido, even fear or disgust of sex have all been mentioned here in various threads on MS. Conversely, some of us here have problems with a very high libido, promiscuity, and/or sexual addictions. It's likely to be related to the sexual abuse you experienced, rather than sexual preference. So, to answer your question, yeah, I'm pretty sure there are many others here, gay or straight, who do not want to have sex. Anyway, kissing, hugging and cuddling are great ways to express love for your partner.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#365614 - 07/07/11 03:15 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 211
Loc: Oregon
I love physical non-sexual intimacy.
I like sex.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#365671 - 07/08/11 02:00 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Juan]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
I've been out to my family/friends since my late 20's. But I feel like I'm on the "outside looking in" with the gay community. The gay friends I have seem to be all about sex sometimes. And if I'm not having sex, they peg me as "weird" even with them.

I don't judge them for having casual sex, but it's just not for me. My boundaries are too rigid for that. I can't cross that line very easily.

But I hear echoes of my own frustration with the gay community that seems to treat sex as expected somehow. They don't know how to take me.


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#365707 - 07/09/11 09:13 AM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: cris40ky]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Juan,

Maybe you're not gay. Maybe you want male intimacy, male touch but not actual sex with a guy. That was my story. I thought I was gay but found that I wanted to be close to other men, I was molested when I was a kid, it felt good and confused me.

I'm not confused anymore but I am dealing with a lot of consequences due to my seeking acceptance through sex.

Ed

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#365728 - 07/09/11 08:51 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: EdfromNYC]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 408
Loc: west coast
Maybe your not gay? Re:edfromnyc


The fact is crys40ky, you have a higher moral code for yourself is outside the exected norms these days for fast and easy hook-ups. This is predominantly true in the gay community but is becomming more of the norm with increasingly prevalent "dating" sites available for the hetersexual world as well. So please lets keep the focus where is should be, not on the orientation but on the behavior.

Like crys40ky states:

I don't judge them for having casual sex, but it's just not for me. My boundaries are too rigid for that. I can't cross that line very easily.

You are properly reflecting your core values which shows how you honor yourself. That is the way it ought to be quite frankly. This is normal mature adult behavior, you are not outside looking in, you are the beacon.

Juan , what you are seeking is intimacy, caring and feeling connected on a deeper level than just sex with another soul. Personally I think its beautiful. And if this is fulfilling for you, I can see it only bringing joy.

We need to allow ourselves as survivors to accept it is ok for us to express whatever our sexuality in a way that is healthy and works for us. Anyway thats mho.

cheers

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#365729 - 07/09/11 09:23 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: 1lifenow]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
"So please lets keep the focus where is should be, not on the orientation but on the behavior."

Um, not that simple. My experience is exactly his - I was gay, I had sex with men, it became empty and I realized that I wanted intimacy and not sex, at all. It was always about the intimacy and emotional needs. I got sex confused in there with need for male touch.

Someone may not be gay. You have to accept that and don't let someone simply raising the question threaten you.

"We need to allow ourselves as survivors to accept it is ok for us to express whatever our sexuality in a way that is healthy and works for us."

Can we question ourselves and our motivations and see what lies underneath? Because I did and I got different answers than you did and I am not trying to deny anyone else's orientation, I am simply opening it up to a broader view. That shouldn't be pushed down. We're trying to help each other, not tell each other what should and shouldn't be discussed.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#365733 - 07/09/11 11:30 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: EdfromNYC]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I think, straight or gay, it is quite common not to desire sex at different times or even all the time. To this day there are still times that I zone out or have no desire to have sex. It is something I accept now and can deal with for the most part. And when I again find a guy for a long term partner I am hopeful he will be understanding with that.

While much is held in common - recovery is also a unique situation for each of us.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#365806 - 07/11/11 06:05 PM Deleted [Re: cris40ky]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:04 AM)

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#365807 - 07/11/11 06:10 PM Deleted [Re: EdfromNYC]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:04 AM)

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#365808 - 07/11/11 06:12 PM Deleted [Re: prisonerID]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:03 AM)

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#365809 - 07/11/11 06:14 PM Deleted [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:03 AM)

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#365810 - 07/11/11 06:28 PM Deleted [Re: philistine]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:02 AM)

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#365811 - 07/11/11 06:32 PM Re: Deleted [Re: 1lifenow]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:01 AM)

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#365853 - 07/12/11 10:03 AM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Juan]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I appreciate your experience, too. For a long time, I had to be "right" and its because I was so afraid of being wrong. I've had doubts and here and there I still find pockets of questions but I'm on the right path for me.

We all have sex problems as abuse survivors. I'm finding that its important to me to support other men in their recovery from their abuse regardless of our similar/dissimilar orientation issues.

No one on our earth has the answer to the questions surrounding orientation. Its up to me to find my peace with having unanswered questions.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#365858 - 07/12/11 12:00 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Juan]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 408
Loc: west coast
Thank you for your honesty and sharing juan. I understand what you are saying about finding someone compatible, but things are so much easier these days.

A Note For Survivors Reading This
Place the care of you, the adult survivor, firmly into your own hands. You take control. You set the pace. LET YOURSELF MAKE MISTAKES. You are learning and it takes time.

Thats the part from the post in friends and families (why cant i take control of my life) that truly helped free me. We are entitled to make mistakes. As we set up boundaries that work for us, i think its important if we meet someone we care about that we can understand that there is mutual respect. So we dont have to be entrenched in one way of expressing our sexuality, as ed says we all have problems, or are certainly more likely to. Most paraphilias arise from early exposure and imprinting, and many who have them have been abused.

I know i struggleD with the identity issue for a long time, and it now has been so freeing to embrace who i am without reservation. I think you are asking if it is ok to embrace yourself even tho.... We just have to give ourselves permission to be ok with ourselves, whether we have accepted who we are or are still in a state of confusion.

You sound like a really sweet guy, you are going to make someone very happy knowing that you can be happy being yourself.





Edited by 1lifenow (07/12/11 12:01 PM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#375951 - 11/18/11 08:11 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: 1lifenow]
Michael Murphy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/11
Posts: 19
Loc: United States
Thanks for sharing guys, Im kind of in the same boat. I to are gay and have been since I've was 15 years old. I understand for too well. That the closeness is what I have always looked for. I have been married to a survivor of sexual abuse by her father for 16 years and sex isn't a issue. We are the best of friends. I always tell her is she had the pluming of a man , that would be the best but she a woman so I will deal -haha- (its our on going joke with each other.My oldest son learned about stuff in health class and didn't understand what is ment to to gay. I am very open with my sons and explained to my son that Dad, was abused by his grandmother and aunts so I am gay. and always have been. But I love your mother with all my heart, and as long as theres love , sex isn't really that big of a deal- but thats just me. - Guys I to miss the closeness and the freedom to express how I feel with another guy. and have explored that and felt such like crap for betraying my wife, So i did what your not to do. I told her. She is very understanding . I just wanted to share that. Thanks , mike

_________________________
Michael Murphy

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#378930 - 12/10/11 05:54 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Michael Murphy]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 56
Loc: PA, USA
I've been gay my whole life. Though I am in a long term relationship, we haven't had sex in over 10 years. I feel guilty, but as my T says, if it were that important to my partner, he would have been gone a long time ago.

I am not comfortable with touch. On the rare occasion we hug or cuddle it is short and I am bursting to be done!

I do think of sex all the time. I enjoy looking at handsome men. But it isn't important enough for me to go through all the work, the calming down, the talking myself down to peruse. I can't even imagine what it would take for me to try. I know I am missing something. It would be great to be hold him in my arms and not be ready to deflect whatever. But I also have a great friend and companion.

I know it sounds kind of bleak. I can see the direct connections between my abuse and my revulsion. But after years in and out of therapy I haven't found the way out. Shit.


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#378947 - 12/10/11 08:16 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: BDD]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
.



Edited by limit (12/17/11 05:34 PM)

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#379010 - 12/11/11 01:43 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: limit]
NewSummer Offline


Registered: 09/01/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
Being held and cuddled is a beautiful way to express your love for someone. The more comfortable I become with myself, the more I desire touch. My past was clouded with annonomous sexual encounters where I would flee as soon as possible.. Now, as I mature and feel comfortable within my skin, I desire and dream of finding a partner who I can hold and will hold me back...Yes, I still want sex but more impotantly, I want to find a partner who is happy to hold me and be willing to let me hold him back. I'm glad I am finally at a place where I can be touched, after a lifetime of resisting everything that was not sexually driven..

_________________________
life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

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