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#365550 - 07/06/11 12:34 PM Deleted
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:05 AM)

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#365575 - 07/06/11 10:22 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Juan]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hey, Juan.

Just my opinion, but I'd bet money your lack of interest in sex has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're gay. Lack of interest in sex, low libido, even fear or disgust of sex have all been mentioned here in various threads on MS. Conversely, some of us here have problems with a very high libido, promiscuity, and/or sexual addictions. It's likely to be related to the sexual abuse you experienced, rather than sexual preference. So, to answer your question, yeah, I'm pretty sure there are many others here, gay or straight, who do not want to have sex. Anyway, kissing, hugging and cuddling are great ways to express love for your partner.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#365614 - 07/07/11 03:15 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 209
Loc: Oregon
I love physical non-sexual intimacy.
I like sex.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#365671 - 07/08/11 02:00 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: Juan]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
I've been out to my family/friends since my late 20's. But I feel like I'm on the "outside looking in" with the gay community. The gay friends I have seem to be all about sex sometimes. And if I'm not having sex, they peg me as "weird" even with them.

I don't judge them for having casual sex, but it's just not for me. My boundaries are too rigid for that. I can't cross that line very easily.

But I hear echoes of my own frustration with the gay community that seems to treat sex as expected somehow. They don't know how to take me.


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#365707 - 07/09/11 09:13 AM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: cris40ky]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Juan,

Maybe you're not gay. Maybe you want male intimacy, male touch but not actual sex with a guy. That was my story. I thought I was gay but found that I wanted to be close to other men, I was molested when I was a kid, it felt good and confused me.

I'm not confused anymore but I am dealing with a lot of consequences due to my seeking acceptance through sex.

Ed

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#365728 - 07/09/11 08:51 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: EdfromNYC]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 395
Loc: west coast
Maybe your not gay? Re:edfromnyc


The fact is crys40ky, you have a higher moral code for yourself is outside the exected norms these days for fast and easy hook-ups. This is predominantly true in the gay community but is becomming more of the norm with increasingly prevalent "dating" sites available for the hetersexual world as well. So please lets keep the focus where is should be, not on the orientation but on the behavior.

Like crys40ky states:

I don't judge them for having casual sex, but it's just not for me. My boundaries are too rigid for that. I can't cross that line very easily.

You are properly reflecting your core values which shows how you honor yourself. That is the way it ought to be quite frankly. This is normal mature adult behavior, you are not outside looking in, you are the beacon.

Juan , what you are seeking is intimacy, caring and feeling connected on a deeper level than just sex with another soul. Personally I think its beautiful. And if this is fulfilling for you, I can see it only bringing joy.

We need to allow ourselves as survivors to accept it is ok for us to express whatever our sexuality in a way that is healthy and works for us. Anyway thats mho.

cheers

_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#365729 - 07/09/11 09:23 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: 1lifenow]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
"So please lets keep the focus where is should be, not on the orientation but on the behavior."

Um, not that simple. My experience is exactly his - I was gay, I had sex with men, it became empty and I realized that I wanted intimacy and not sex, at all. It was always about the intimacy and emotional needs. I got sex confused in there with need for male touch.

Someone may not be gay. You have to accept that and don't let someone simply raising the question threaten you.

"We need to allow ourselves as survivors to accept it is ok for us to express whatever our sexuality in a way that is healthy and works for us."

Can we question ourselves and our motivations and see what lies underneath? Because I did and I got different answers than you did and I am not trying to deny anyone else's orientation, I am simply opening it up to a broader view. That shouldn't be pushed down. We're trying to help each other, not tell each other what should and shouldn't be discussed.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#365733 - 07/09/11 11:30 PM Re: Gay who does not want to have sex [Re: EdfromNYC]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I think, straight or gay, it is quite common not to desire sex at different times or even all the time. To this day there are still times that I zone out or have no desire to have sex. It is something I accept now and can deal with for the most part. And when I again find a guy for a long term partner I am hopeful he will be understanding with that.

While much is held in common - recovery is also a unique situation for each of us.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#365806 - 07/11/11 06:05 PM Deleted [Re: cris40ky]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:04 AM)

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#365807 - 07/11/11 06:10 PM Deleted [Re: EdfromNYC]
Juan Offline


Registered: 11/04/10
Posts: 20
Deleted



Edited by Juan (01/05/12 09:04 AM)

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