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#367018 - 07/30/11 10:06 PM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: prisonerID]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Good points, you guys.

I can't agree with prisoner on the victim thing. Like you, Daryl, I was a victim once, but not now. I was a victim of rape, and all that went with it - embarrassment, shame, humiliation, fear, self-loathing and all that. But I have been able to shake those things, or most of them, so that I'm not a victim anymore. I am a survivor; I let my perpetrators make me a victim for a,long time. But that's over and the worst of all that is largely behind me. Or at least, I hope it is.

AS for the cute thing, yeah, I got the looks. I was the athlete, the jock, the one the girls went after. But none of it makes any difference now, and it should have made no difference then. NOT AT ALL. Who cares if I'm handsome or not? Point is, like prisoner said, we have one thing in common. Sexual abuse/assault. Makes no difference if I'm black, white, Jewish, gay, straight, Martian, whatever.

To be honest, I often thought that my good looks went against me, simply because I was raped. That was part of the guilt I placed upon myself. It was almost as though I had to find a reason to blame myself for what happened, and I guess I could use my appearance as a means for that.

You can't get caught up in the "I'm partly to blame for what happened because I'm cute" routine. That's a guilt trap, and one in which none of us belong. No guilt for any of us. It's an easy trap to fall into, and it can lead to self-pity, and other things.

I like to think positive in all this. I made it through. I can help other guys who have been through this. I can better deal with my emotions. I have made goals which help my self-development. It has made me think.... positively.

Hope this helps.

Oriolesguy



Oriolesguy


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#367033 - 07/31/11 12:09 AM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: oriolesguy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hmmm.... Oriolesguy,

The way I read your post and Daryl's post on the victim role you're both saying the same thing... Or are you reading a different board than I am?

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#367177 - 08/01/11 05:57 PM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: WalkingSouth]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6847
Loc: USA
.


Edited by pufferfish (06/21/12 12:29 AM)

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#367185 - 08/01/11 08:24 PM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: pufferfish]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3365
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I've refrained from responding to this post even though I've followed it for a while now...

I understand that the point that is trying to be made here is that it's easier to get the media's attention for a child who has been abused than for a man who has been abused - children are just naturaly cuter (perhaps for some a sort of parental protection instinct kicks in that they don't want to see any child hurt, ect.)

I do also know that in my experience cuteness had nothing to do with it - I was just plain and simply a convenient target - looks had nothing to do with it (though perhaps maybe my young age did)

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#367199 - 08/01/11 10:41 PM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: TJ jeff]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6847
Loc: USA
.


Edited by pufferfish (06/21/12 12:29 AM)

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#368907 - 08/25/11 10:09 PM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: pufferfish]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
The main point I'm making is that according to that book he and his associates were looking out of an upstairs window watching boys pass. They were selecting the boys (for abuse) on the basis of their appearance.

http://www.amazon.com/Man-Candy-Jack-Olsen/dp/0743212835/


I just finished this book a few weeks ago. And these kids were picked because of their appearance. I can say without a doubt that I was taken for what I was to be doing because of my appearance (I was a gymnast).

I was used in many photo shoots because my appearance was what they were looking for, it sold magazines. I was also pimped for the same reason and because of my appearance I was never allowed to work the streets (somebody could make me disappear). I eventually got to hate my hair. It seemed always a starting point by photogs or guys with me, followed closely by removing my shirt. Also a point to be made was the fact that I was hairless. And I was referred to as a little girl because of it. I didn't see a hair on my face until age 23.

I was afraid that when I went into the USAF that I would be targeted for my hair being blond. I associated blond hair with attracting flies, it was a neon sign saying that I was open for business. I was thrilled that we all got a buzz cut by the second day of basic. I'm sure that having my hair cut off was a major reason I didn't have a problem in basic training. My hair was always long unless school made me cut it. The people in my other life wanted it long, I was more attractive. Because I was scared I had my hair cut shorter above the ears just before I left for basic training. I was teased all the time that I got extra time off because I didn't have to shave in the morning. It bothered me but it was said jokingly (I hope).

Jeff

_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#368986 - 08/27/11 08:56 AM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: lapchinj]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I think we look for little details that drew an abuser/assailant to us. I am sure there are little things that might attract some who have a "type". In general I think many just seek the most convenient target for their intended actions.

As someone who was attacked as an adult I think I would fall into the last category. I have struggled for many years as to why they picked me. I wrestled through it for so long with so many therapists. With my last one I finally began to see, through his patient but insistent guidance, that I needed to look less at me and more at them. I hated to begin to talk of them but over time they seemed less like the men I saw somehow drawn to me and more like the sick bastards that I see them as now. I also began, through this work, to see myself differently. I looked less at my outside appearance and more to who I was on the inside. It was not my fault that I had worked on my body at the gym and track. It was not my fault that I took pride in my appearance. It was not my fault that I wore those jeans or a certain tee. There is nothing wrong with my wanting to look attractive to other men.

I also have to remember that the things they said that night were simply psychological endeavors to make me believe that it was my fault and to keep me from coming forward with what was done that night. The words still crawl into me but I shake them off better these days.

I still have to remind myself of these things but these truths are deeper inside me than ever before. Maybe they did prefer guys with dark brown hair or my type of build. But that is still on them and not me. I will never know and have to find my peace without knowing a lot of things. If I were to wait for all the pieces there would be very little peace.






_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#369087 - 08/29/11 08:14 PM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: prisonerID]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Good point, Daryl. The cute appearance thing may add to the attraction for the perp, but on the overall I can't believe that any of us were picked on the basis of looks alone. And I'll take it one step further. If you look at this from the perp's view, he would have committed sexual assaults, if not on me, then on someone else. He probably would have committed the assault anyway. I guess looks can be a factor, but it's not the primary one.

We are born with our looks. True, we might enhance them by working out and so forth. But how we look is not our fault. Our look is not an invitation to be raped. Our looks, or cuteness, do not make us guilty. I fell into that for awhile and it took a year or so with a T to get it right. And as Daryl so aptly pointed out, we need to scrutinize the perpetrators more, and ourselves much less.

Joe


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#369745 - 09/08/11 03:46 AM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: oriolesguy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1179
Loc: New York
So if not our looks then what. I know that there is the question of availability. If you happen to be there at the correct place and time then your it.

On the other hand when there is what to choose from i think that the looks get the nod. When I walked in midtown Manhattan there were many kids to choose from. You wouldn't bait a kid walking with an adult. I would constantly be baited as I walked the street. If I was waiting at a street corner I was approached and baited in some way. Someone would just give a small tug on my hair, or brush up against me. I could have been a target of opportunity but I think that looks have a great deal to do with choices being made.

If you go buy a car you choose the nicest model then pick the nicest color and finally the options. If what you want is not available then you buy the next best one. I used to see the construction workers at lunch break on the sidewalks watching the girls go by. It wasn't the frumpy women that got the cat calls and whilstles. This was all in the '60s but I don't think much has changed today.

Jeff

_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#369748 - 09/08/11 08:08 AM Re: Cuteness and ASA [Re: lapchinj]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
This thread broke off into two separate thought processes almost from the beginning. I honestly think the discussion on looks as a hook for an abuser or assailant to be "attracted" has been good. It has shown me how far I have come in not allowing my concentration to be so much on me but rather on my attackers and their sadistic intent.

But there was another part of this thread that seems to have gotten lost in the shuffle - the original part. The author of this thread was seeking to express the lack of attention given to men who are assaulted as adults. The "cuteness" factor was brought up merely as a way for him to convey the lack of attention given male ASA and if that was indeed a reason for the disparity in concern. I wish more attention had been given to that for I think it was a very interesting and important topic.


Daryl


_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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