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#365339 - 07/03/11 01:45 AM vows
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I sat there, on the River Charles. Boston to my left, Cambridge to my right. The wedding party was half my people, the rest were new, pleasant and an awesome group to meet...some born in USA, some fresh from Korea. I killed time watching some of the sailboats meander about where I sailed in countless regattas from age 5-30. It was truly pleasant. I wished my kids could have been with me, but I had the role of "that" uncle to hold. The divorced one who lost his family.

The ceremony began. The Bride and Groom looking like a million-bucks. The vows came floating my way. I heard them all before. There was one particular time I heard them spoken just three feet away from my ears...with a beautiful bride standing across from me. Those vows meant SO SO much back then. I could hang my hat on them, rely upon them, offer them for her to rest assured that "I shalt not"...that "I shall always"... that we will...that I do...that you do...till God calls his own home. Yes, they meant everything we meant them to mean. They had steadfast power. I'm so sorry I was not able to meet the requirements of that covenant. I thought I had...but apparently I had not. Tis gone, along with hope, trust and love.

Tonight, the vows flowed. They flowed and were sworn to with all the gravity from back then. They were beautiful vows built and spoken for a lifetime together.

The pain of losing my family will never end, will it! No, not for her, not for my kids, not for me.

Seemed all so very clear; I really fked things up. I'm so sorry.

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#365355 - 07/03/11 11:22 AM Re: vows [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I am with you, on that river's edge, Robbie.

The trigger and flashback of the wedding's ceremony has overcome you, the promise of the security of those vows unfulfilled. The sorrow and pain in this post is felt from the east coast to the midwest, dear survivor.

Please remember, your family, while not with you, is safe. They are safe and cared for, and while you heal, they are elsewhere, being supported. Would that you were in physical recovery, unable to speak to them or interact with them, the same thing would be happening. They would be away from you, but you would keep them close to you in your thoughts.

So to in this, let it be this way, Robbie. You recovery of emotional and mental trauma has temporarily separated you, so keep them close to you in your thoughts, and allow the memories of your successful fatherhood to overwhelm you. Allow them to lead your recovery to the victorious fruition that you direct.

You were not the author of the damage done to your family, you were a victim, a sufferer only. Express your pain, dear survivor, express your rage and fear, and express your desire, your vision and your future.

Soar Robbie, in your recovery, heal well.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#365361 - 07/03/11 01:22 PM Re: vows [Re: SamV]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Robbie,

You brought back some fond memories about sailing on the Charles river. One of my boyhood friends knew something about sailboats & sailing. He took me sailing with him as he rented a boat there on the Charles. However I didn't know diddly squat about what you are supposed to do when ever he changed the sail to take advantage of the wind. But this old (thick headed) Irish boy got knocked upside the head many times when I was supposed to duck to keep from being battered by the (pole)? that connects to the sail.

Any way, to get to those vows. I had taken two vows in my life, the first was to protect & defend the Constitution of the USA (Oath of enlistment in the armed forces). I took that oath very seriously. Especially as that 17 year old useless boy.
I kept that oath to this very day.

I also took the oath of the marriage vows, to the lady that I had gotten pregnant. To love & cherish, in sickness & health. To death do us part.
That oath was one that I never would have made if I hadn't made her pregnant. I was never meant to have been married in the first place. I was never into girls/females as that boy. I was never attracted to them nor had any emotions toward them.
She gave me 100% of herself. She gave me 2 fine sons. Because of that I now have 2 fine grandsons, the loves of my life.

Now, that woman (my wife) still married, but separated by an ocean. She is sick & frail. She is alone. She is 74 years old. I'm sure that when we got married she figured that we would be together forever into eternity.

I just walked out the door, out from her life. No goodbye's. No hugs. No kisses. No tears (from me). No emotions at all for her, none-zero.
She kept hoping that when I "finished" with all this CSA stuff that i would come back to her.
I told her that's impossible. I told her of my true sexuality, my love for men, that's where all my emotional & mental & physical & sexual feelings & emotions really are.

She tells me, she understands. Reminding me of what she had said to me, when I was hell on wheels in anger to her when all this came to the surface.
"So you want to leave me & go marry a man." That shook me to my core, as I never had ever given her reason to think that, none-zero.

But looking back, i have realised that she had seen something in me that I hadn't. It was always in me, but just under the conscious level. I was a gay boy now a gay man.

I often sit here and I think about an elderly, frail woman whom gave me 100% of her.
And I gave her nothing in return, none-zero. I just didn't know any better.
One vow that i didn't keep. One vow that I should never have taken. But my other vow was to accept my responsibility & raise my 2 sons to become men. I even failed at that too. As one committed suicide. The biggest failure & tragedy of my life.
Vows & suffering.

The price of me hating & wishing my "mom" was dead.

The price of me loving my Ralph all my life.

A vow, until death do us part. I had believed in that vow too. I didn't know me until now.

Just a vow. A tragedy for my (separated) wife.

Robbie, i hope that I haven't stolen your thread from you.

You always have my admiration, respect, compassion, understanding & love.
You were wronged severely.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, Robbie, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#365374 - 07/03/11 05:23 PM Re: vows [Re: SamV]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: sasuva
...You were not the author of the damage done to your family, you were a victim, a sufferer only. Express your pain, dear survivor, express your rage and fear, and express your desire, your vision and your future.


Sam. I get it. I really do. But I look upon my role not as a victim, but rather as a victim on fire. One whom ought to know better than to run that fire into my own home, where two children live with their mother...the woman I love to this day no matter what weaponry was used against me.

Apparently the emotions you list have beaten me down. My fatigue is deep. I've barely been able to move since returning from the wedding. I have however looked at some of the amature photos that were placed onlne. It does not look like the same wedding I attended. Maybe I can Spkype my life from now-on.

Thank you for your reply Sam. It does mean a lot to me.

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#365376 - 07/03/11 05:41 PM Re: vows [Re: petercorbett]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Pete,

I don't know what to say. I'm fully slain by what I read in your post. I hope you don't mind me experiencing some rather raw emotions in reading that. I did/do not however read it (see it) from the outside looking in. I'm fearful to say; I'm seeing the situation from the inside-out. I'm standing beside you, watching the family dissolve. I feel panic in my extrapolations of my kid's futures. I was so very capable at providing, directing, teaching, guiding, etc. I truly was. Now, thanks to the separation, my time with my kids turns out to be too much like mini-vacations. The good, the benefits and the value I use to bring to the table are all scattered now. They only have one chance at building a good foundation, and I fear itís all lost now.

I'm going to do all I can to realize a different outcome. I truly hope you don't see my use of what you described as 'exploitive.'

I despise exploitation of anyone or anything people experience. For example, I know SO many people who drive their children through crappy neighborhoods to show them the difference, the consequences, the costs, blah, blah, blah. "Look what these children have to endure." "See what these kids don't have." I hope I never appear to be doing that with anyone's posts.

But Pete; I'm SO very thankful to have you here at MS...selfishly for me, as your wisdom is vast and head level. You are what makes MS what it's intended to be. And for that, I am very thankful.


God Bless!

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#365377 - 07/03/11 05:51 PM Re: vows [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
"a victim on fire" is not one who is in charge of his own faculties, dear brother.

Sleep, rest and refresh yourself, this will take hours of sleep, good revitalizing sleep. When I reach too far down, I sleep, usually an hour and a half, but down from the days I used to sleep, three days I never left my bed.

It is a sign of depression, but it is better than pushing yourself. When we are down to a strictly emotional motivation, we tend to make no sense to those around us, save here in MS, that is.

Sleep Robbie, you are a good man, a decent man who has suffered loss. When you wake, get something with lots of empty calories, a double fudge chocolate is my favorite coping mechanism, and take a bite. It is a false hug, but a hug nonetheless, make it a hug from me. Oh, don't forget the milk!

You mean a great deal to me as well,
Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#365378 - 07/03/11 07:09 PM Re: vows [Re: SamV]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
To sleep I am heading Sam! One final word though:



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#365379 - 07/03/11 07:18 PM Re: vows [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Ha!

Hilarious stuff Robbie, g'night.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#365430 - 07/04/11 11:39 AM Re: vows [Re: SamV]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Apparently there was a post-wedding party at my sister's Cape house. It looks like (on FaceBk) the invitation was a broad-cast of the crowd.

The hurt is light (as I'm use to this stuff by now). This however would never have excluded me prior to disclosure. MY disclosure triggered a cascade of continued disclosure from my only surviving sister. She was extremely physically and phsycologically abused throughout childhood. She also went through a horrendous event I'm not at liberty to discuss.

In trying to figure out what I need to fix about me and/or my relationship with her, I'd like to know the reason for my exclusion...the exclusion of the groom's only uncle (no aunts at all) on the mother's side. Why exclude her brother?

Is it that I remind her of painful times? Is it that I just make someone there uncomfortable? I truly have no idea for the reason of the exclusion. But I'm aware of no acceptable way to broach the topic with her.

This is where the issolation gets even worse. I know this, as I've been here before.

_________________________
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The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#365439 - 07/04/11 04:33 PM Re: vows [Re: Still]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Exclusion, what an ugly word, Rob, and one so often applied to me as well.

I can only suppose that an unstable person has no resources for another unstable person in a family. In my own family, I am the "black sheep", even though there are members who have done far worse than I, I being abused and resentful, these others are welcomed and anticipated, I am conveniently left out. "Oh no, we got it, we do not need your help, thanks anyway." "Yeah, we did not think you wanted to come." No, no we can get it." I mean, I am trying to interact with them, and get this treatment.

Oops, oh yeah, back to Rob..,

Isolation ends at the webpage for MaleSurvivor, and my local support outside of Wisconsin, yes, it is possible to hate an entire state, all four million of you condescending, self righteous hypocrites, present company and pluses always excluded.

Unfortunately, isolation proliferates and flourishes elsewhere. I tell myself.., Self, I am not rejected, simply accepted to a certain point, then like fish, after awhile I stink, so I go away.

No matter what I do, how funny or interesting I am, how long I am gone, they do not have room in their lives like I have room for them.

Too bad, we, you and I Rob, are really decent and interesting people once y'all get over yourselves ;/.

Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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