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#365335 - 07/03/11 01:08 AM I need a friend, no fakes anymore
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Hey, trying to connect with a person who I can talk to regularly, I feel so alone in all of this and I know that's the worst thing you should feel, so I'm looking for a 45 year old or so married guy, who has struggled and gone through same shit I have so I can begin to have male friends as opposed to no friends, or the years of pretend friends. I've become so isolate, I don't even talk to my family much, because I always feel feel shameful around them
anyone accept me and just be my friend- I am completely serious, how sad to have to ask, but that's pretty much me, sad sack of sh&$!!


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#365345 - 07/03/11 03:29 AM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: Sailboat92]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11020
Loc: Denver, CO
I don't see anything wrong with seeking friendships here. I've made several friends in this place over the years. Some have drifted away, and some have hung in there with me. You might be cheating yourself out of some potential good friendships if one of the qualifiers is they have to be married. It's greatest thing to have a friend that has really shared the same experiences, including marriage, but one can find good loyalty in friendships with marrieds or singles. Just my $0.02 worth.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#365354 - 07/03/11 11:00 AM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: Sailboat92]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hey Sailboat,

I have been there, done that, searching for a man's man that will help me mature into the adult, the caregiver, the supporter, the leader. I have searched in religion, in community, in employment, in the gutter.., "I've been everywhere, man", in this search. I have searched in here as well, in MaleSurvivor, and I have found some interesting things.

First, the men here are very approachable. They desire to associate with me, and I am handled with empathy and care when the abuse controls overwhelm me when I act out. This place, these men, and women here in MS, have forgiven me, and watched me mature into the stage of recovery I am currently experiencing. These have become me people, my joy, my association.

I had to do some work, though, Sailboat. I had to seek out through posts and PM's the association, I asked who they were, they told me, and I told them who I was. I did not realize it at the time, but it was cathartic for me, I was sharing who I "wanted" to be, giving my voice to who I would become, not the abuse controlled sufferer I had been. I was defining me, recovered, revived, thriving.

I urge you to seek out those who have similar interests, likes and dislikes, and ask them how they recovered, how they cope with the controls, how they are succeeding. In their experiences, you, like me, may find the maturity and growth you seek.

No more fakes, but as Andy mentioned, it is difficult to keep everyday longterm association. The men I consistently interact with here, they are weekly contacts. You too will find comfort in these contacts, and they with you.

What may change in you, is the paranoia that without constantly speaking with another, you may lose them as a friend. That is simply not true, but only exists in the abuse control and a few selfish people associated with the abuse. Most people I have come to know, abused and non abused, genuinely hold me in good standing, and do not ascribe any negative thoughts or behavior to me. A friend is one who is always a friend.

You do not change when you are gone from your friend. There is no reason to believe he or she will change their perception of you in your absence.

Please, PM me whatever, whenever. I am not online as much as I used to be, but when I can, I will respond to your thoughts and look forward to our interactions.

Nice to meet you Sb92,

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#365373 - 07/03/11 04:37 PM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: Sailboat92]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Sailboat,

i think it took a lot of courage for you to ask. that is a good sign that you are not content with the status quo and want to get better.

i was married but i am now divorced. i have 4 great kids and 5 fantastic grand kids. they help me on my path to recovery.

good luck to you in your journey. there is a lot you can learn here. most everyone here cares and will support your journey.

take care

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#365391 - 07/03/11 11:25 PM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: pbert53]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
Hi, Sailboat.

I'm 49, married 26 years, 5 kids (2 deceased, one a college senior next semester, one in high school, one in 2nd grade). I was sexually abused and raped ages 11-15. My struggles have included promiscuity and same-sex attraction. The only lasting friendships I've been able to maintain are with females. I have a terrible time making/keeping male friends. I'm usually terrified of other men.

I have degrees in social work, sociology, psychology and educational leadership. I'm much more successful career-wise than I'll probably ever be friendship wise.

I see you're from Connecticut. I'm originally from across the Sound on Long Island. Have been living in Virginia for the last 24 years or so.

If you think you are interested in kicking my tires and taking me for a spin around the block, feel free to respond here or PM me. Sounds like we both need the same thing.

Peace,

John



Edited by Fissy Tsickens (07/03/11 11:26 PM)
_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

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#365392 - 07/03/11 11:40 PM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
I'm not married... but I'm willing to listen.

Feel free to PM me.


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#365396 - 07/03/11 11:57 PM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: pbert53]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Sailboat, I know you need and want friends. But be very carefull, right now you are in a very vernable place. I have learned once again the hard way, that I need to take it slow when making friends. I tend to trust to much to soon. This last time cost me about $8,000 dollars. No it wasn't anyone on this site, or the internet. It was someone I meet face to face.

So once I get it all sorted out I will have a new tale to tell.

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#365408 - 07/04/11 04:44 AM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: lostcowboy]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Sailboat92,

Though I am not on MS every day, I'll be your friend, buddy. smile

In brief, my name is Bobcat; I was abused one night when I was 11 by another boy, but it was one night too many; I am a single, 39-year-old; I don't look or feel very masculine; I believe I am heterosexual but suffer from SSA. That's just a little about me, but we have a couple things in common.

I have read through all of your posts, so I think I have a good idea of what you're struggling with.

1. You don't feel masculine enough - but you ARE a man, and therefore by definition, masculine. Contrary to popular opinion, there are all kinds of men who act in all kinds of ways - your way may be unique, but no less valid than any other.

Is it possible that your quest for masculinity is really a quest to be considered "normal", and therefore in reality, a search for being accepted? Put another way, would you still strive for masculinity even if everyone completely accepted you as the man you are?

I think those insults from your father and brothers were very damaging to your sense of self. I also think those insults had little to do with you - they would have insulted anyone they thought was gay, right? I think they only insulted you to bolster their own warped sense of machismo; they selfishly competed against you because they knew they would win. When I read your comments about their insults, buddy, I think those insults said more about THEM than they did about you.

I hope those comments help you to accept yourself and your own masculinity. However, if you feel unmasculine due to your body, you might consider asking a doctor if you suffer from hypogonadism (low testosterone). They can test your testosterone and give you shots to bolster it. Check it out online, if you wish.

2. You are heterosexual, yet suffer from SSA. There are many men here on MS - some single, some married - who suffer this as well. SSA and homosexuality are different - SSA is an affliction, and might be treatable. Search MS entries about SSA, and talk to men in chat about SSA. These are good resources, probably better than Google.

For what it's worth, I think making nonsexual friendships with other understanding, accepting males will help reduce your SSA. When you feel comfortable with yourself around other males, and don't feel you have to absorb their masculinity, I think your SSA will become less frequent.

3. You have trouble making true friendships with males. Start by making some friends here. Allow them to accept you fully for who you are - abuse and all - and I think you will start to feel more at ease around them. Then maybe you can try to carry this over into your personal life, and make male friends there.

Lastly, therapy is probably the best way to start dealing with some of these issues. I am not a therapist; just a friend who is trying to help you the best he can. smile

Take care, buddy. I hope this has been of some help to you.

Your friend,

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#365419 - 07/04/11 09:24 AM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
derf215 Offline


Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 3
Sailboat,

I just joined 2day. I have done alot of work the past 15 years. I am still married for ever, but lost my wife on this Earth to cancer 35 days ago. I was "dumped" by all of my friends years ago. Through hard work and honesty I was able to have this one special intimate relationship, be there for her, and our (my step) children. Feel free to reach out.

Take care of yourself,

derf215


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#365445 - 07/04/11 05:44 PM Re: I need a friend, no fakes anymore [Re: derf215]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I hear you, Sailboat-isolation is a killer.

I've learned to reach out, ask for help, meet regularly with men in recovery, and keep working through the baggage of my life!

I just stopped being 45 about six weeks ago, have been married 15 years, and continue to make mistakes but leave behind some major mistakes too-addiction, depression, separation, etc.

I'd be happy to be your friend.


Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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