I haven't done this before. I hope it makes some kind of sense.
When I was a little boy I started life not long after my parents divorce. I don't remember her cuddling me, feeding me, bathing me or anything. She was kind of there. We had, my half brother sister and me different babysitters all the time. My dad got custody and I lived with him my grandma and my aunt for a few years. That was good though he often wasnt around, most of my childhood he would be away working, often on the road.
When I was about 8 he remarried. This woman and I didn't like each other but I think she pretended and I pretended because my dad didn't handle disagreement very well. He would get mad and insist. This woman starved me, beat me and locked me in the basement on a regular basis but not all the time. It was when I was bad, so she said. When she beat me she forced me to take off my clothes from the waist down and would threaten to hit my penis if I didn't just stand there so she could beat my rear end. No matter what I did I would be punished and treated with contempt for something. This was the first person I ever met who was an openly declared feminist, by the way.
She and my dad had a baby together, my half sister. When she stopped nursing I had to spend a lot of time looking after her, feeding her at the table, changing her and bathing her. I was often left to babysit.
When I was thirteen my stepmother accused me of sexually abusing my half sister. In was accused of touching her sexually, which I had not done. I was also accused of asking her to touch my penis which I denied but only remembered later on. I had done this entirely out of curiosity because a few months earlier she tried to do it to my dad, who wouldn't let her. I had been taking a leak and she walked into the bathroom (I think she was maybe three or four) and I rerememberred the incident with my dad. When she said no I just went on, and didn't think about it again. I was maybe 12.
My stepmother got me exiled to the basement permanently while they decided what to do with me,. I had been doing very poorly in school and was often punished for that too. I was sent first to live with a foster family and then put in a mental hospital. When I tried talking about what really happened they insisted it was denial. I came to believe that I must have been sexually abusive and said whatever they wanted me to say. When I came out my stepmother had divorced my father and I went to a group home for three years until my father insisted that I come to live with him. I didn't want to because I didn't trust him. I had tried to tell him the truth about my stepmother but he didn't believe me before. I had no choice.
I hated my life and myself. I felt like I was a monster like a werewolf, that I had badness inside me. I spent time partying and getting drunk throughout high school and refused to go to university. I had a kind of love em and leave em attitude towards women. I wouldnt continue if they talked about love. I got a dead end job and stayed there, reading and studying a lot on my own but committing to nothing.
Once I ran into my sister, I was sitting on the train just reading and heading for work. She came up and talked to me and seemed happy to see me. I suggested at the end of a very nice conversation that we exchange email addreses. When I emailed her she told me she never wanted contact with me again, that she had felt pressured into giving me her email and that she never wanted to see me again. I put her on my blocked list. As far as I'm concerned I have no sister.
A few years ago I was contemplating suicide. My dad found me wandering the streets and I finally told him how I had been feeling. He told me that the hospital had never said I had an abusive personality, but the bastards never told ME that. They just said I was okay to leave. They made me confess things that I hadn't done and had ignored my talk of my own abuse.
Recently I was in the midst of a relarionship with a woman who was in the midst of a divorce (I know, stupid stupid) and for the first time in my life felt able to be close to little kids, able to realize I could be a good father, something I had given up on. Only the woman decided to turn gay and cut me off completely from herself and the kids.
I have never known a really good relationship with a woman. I'm used to hating myself and fearing and distrusting women. I'm ashamed to admit it bit I need help with this. So this is my start. I feel kind of ashamed that it still has such an effect on me. I wish I was a stronger man and could just get on with my life, but I can't. It just doesnt seem like enough to feel messed up about.
Edited by ModTeam (07/03/11 02:55 AM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.