Newest Members
beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1, AustinChemist, wild_turky
12276 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4113 (60), Andre M, (36), catchup22 (62), jim OCA 7 (57), sidhearthur (55), SkyClad (65)
Who's Online
6 registered (HD001, thedudeabides, Obi, 3 invisible), 18 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12276 Members
73 Forums
63167 Topics
441715 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#364908 - 06/25/11 12:01 PM Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
[s][/s]hi my name is henri. I was sexually abused for about 10 years by a man.
I am stable and self sustaining I have my own apartment and a full-time job at safeway. problem is I don't have any friends. I have ptsd and everyday is hell
for me. it seems that the only time I have real problems with the same sex attraction is when I am triggered. it hurts like hell, the
s s a that is. My body memories always consist of this feeling in my butt and penis. Its like arousal all the f**kin time. I know i love girls. I just need to get out of this everything sexual mind set. I am trying to learn how to interact with other people and not think about sex. it's like that's all I see, it's like every single human interaction will always somehow end up sexual. Im sick and tired of this bull. I am an exceptional person,y, tall, handsome, and smart, and compassionate. I deserve better.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#364910 - 06/25/11 02:32 PM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: kinghenri]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MS
This is a place u can start to work on getting better!

I'm glad u are here, and sorry this is what u need.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#364912 - 06/25/11 04:06 PM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: Mountainous Buck]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thanks alot for replying mountainois buck. I have to go to work soon and I'm dreading it. I am a social misfit. I want guy friends but I always feel different, afraid, mistrustful, triggered and aroused around them. I know who I am and what I want it's just really hard when you have feelings that are foreign and unnatural to you. They control me, keep me hiding, acting, running. Stuck in shame. I just want a pretty girl to hold and kiss. I know i'll get there with proper support and all, I just wish I didn't feel so damn lonely. Thing is I just kinda hate other guys. Their ability to form seemimgly effortless bonds with eachothr and with girls. I gurss its judt jealoUsy. Oh well thanks for listening

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#364914 - 06/25/11 04:17 PM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: kinghenri]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Oh and I would appreciatr feedback from anyone else who knows how to get thtough these wierd arousal feelings. Wtf this suckd. Im a guy I dont like feeling like a walking butt. Sorry if thats wierd to say. I dont know what I want from ppl. I was tough that everything is sexual and that sexual is wierd and sick and ovverwhelming and controlling and just plain shitty. Who the hell am I? Help please.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#364935 - 06/26/11 03:20 AM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: kinghenri]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 506
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
kinghenri,

I understand some of your problems, buddy. You're not alone.

I would pull up to an intersection in my car, casually look over at two men laughing and horsing around in a nearby truck, and think, "Why is it so easy for them? How come that's not me and a friend of mine? Why is it so hard for me to be like those two?"

I also understand your feelings of attraction/hatred toward other males. It's a fight within you - it's like half of you wants to be attracted to other males, and half of you doesn't. What helped me was befriending males I could TRUST - not only feeling safe that they wouldn't make sexual advances toward me, but also keeping me from making sexual advances toward them, once I had told them of my abuse and my SSA.

Finding these males is difficult, but they are out there, buddy. Don't lose hope, bro.

Therapy is also helpful, if you're not seeing a therapist already.

Take care, bro.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Top
#364938 - 06/26/11 04:52 AM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 214
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thanks. I appreciate feedback. I hate feeling alone. Its good to hear from those who have already been where i am now.
Keep on trucking i guess.




"I utterly reject the actions of those who forced me to drink at the trough of human experience, wanting humiliation to mark me forever so that they would never have to answer for or explain their actions .
Instead they saw in my suffering and confusion an easy way out of their guilt,or even justification of their violence and cowardice.
Today i am not silent. Today i write with rage that speaks in a human voice about all the things that were forced on me and all the things that were denied me. To my question, who gave my abusers the right to make me suffer the way i did, i answer back that human beings have only the right to love each other and to Care for each other."
Keith's statement, victims no longer by mike lew



Edited by kinghenri (06/26/11 04:55 AM)
Edit Reason: didn't like it
_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#364969 - 06/26/11 06:46 PM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: kinghenri]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I too have had the same feelings my entire life but I am now moving into friendships with men. I was molested at 13 by a stranger and had sex with men for about 11 years. Even after the sex stopped and I was thinking of women, I was still attracted to sex with men but conflicted about it too because I knew that I didn't really want to have sex but my body did and part of my brain did but I also knew it was soul-killing for me and really a longing to be attached emotionally to my being a man.

Very confusing stuff. Very, very, very isolating stuff. I get it. I've been alone for a very long time and I am now moving out of it. I've done work with a therapist, I've read the literature on SSA and I am part of a email group where all of the men are dealing with SSA, some having been abused, some not.

I developed an addiction and through dealing with that in a 12 step group, I started to move out of my isolation into regular honest contact with other men. I've also gotten much more confident that my SSA are a detatchment disorder and I've had to get over my fear of others who would deny me my right to follow this path and know that it is the right path and may others feel free to follow it as well. There are many supportive people in dealing with unwanted SSA.

I won't deny that it takes a lot of work but its not like it doesn't start paying off until the end. I treated my SSA like an addiction and applied the 12 steps to it but different things work for different people. If you have the attitude that you want to heal, you can.

I respect your honesty and I know the pain of isolation you feel.



Edited by EdfromNYC (06/26/11 06:48 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#364985 - 06/26/11 09:53 PM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: EdfromNYC]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
I have unwanted attractions to BOTH sexes now. I recalled more abuse. My father, my brother, my mother and a family friend (woman) all sexually abused me. I was straight my whole life..been with girls..been in love..etc...but sometimes I would get this numbing weird feeling while having sex..now I hate and lust after women and for men im desperate for love and attention that my father gave me when he abused me..I fantasize about both sexes and im totally lost as to who I am..im either bisexual or A sexual..but I guess whats more important is I work through the abuse and how its affected my life. Hang in there man!

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#365114 - 06/28/11 05:09 PM Re: Ssa, body memories, royal pain in the arse [Re: EdfromNYC]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Hey ED can you PM me?

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

Top
#414613 - 10/29/12 05:58 AM . [Re: kinghenri]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:30 PM)

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.