I consider myself lucky.
I was abused prior to the age of 8. I don't know when it started and I really only have two strong memories. It ended when I moved away at age 8.
But my lucky part...I didn't have any memories of this abuse until about 10 years later. I know without reservation that I was abused but my little mind could not handle it I presume. In honesty I still can't handle it today.
I'm the youngest of 3 brothers. Before people presume the worst it was not my brothers. No it was 2 brothers of a neighbour. I presume, like with many abuse cases, that a chain of abuse exists within my abusers family.
I consider it ironic that an abuse chain also existed in my own family. A chain my mother broke (although I feel she still has issues stemming from it).
I am now in my late 30's and here I am on a forum spilling my story (a boring one I'm sure as I don't have a need to tell the actual events) so you may ask why write anything?
Well my days are spent bottling anger. Recently at work a little escaped and now I don't know if I have a job or not. Time will tell. So if by telling my tale I can change how I deal with people and life then I guess that can't be such a bad thing.
So what my abuser gave me was guilt, anger and fear. I feel guilty not about my abuse but rather my inability to do anything later in life regarding it. Nothing I can't think to do will change that simple fact of it having happened. So you think; do you call the police about a crime almost 3 decades in the past? Do you hurt the person that hurt you (and in the process end your life as you know it. I'm no fan of jail)?
I once went to the home of my abusers; the parents home. In my discussions with a family friend (also at the home) I revealed the abuse from the brothers. In hearing this my abuser had me discuss with him in private. I remember him saying these exact words "I would never forgive you if you told my parents." I have never approached the other abuser.
I also feel guilty for not helping the younger brother and sister of the abusers. It is my presumption that they were abused.
Recently I learned that both my brothers were also abused by these two. I felt more angry about this than I think I did about my own abuse.
I have now been married 15+ years to a wonderful and understanding women. She knows that I was abused and she knows that I fear everyday that I could repeat the chain. This is my worst fear; repeating the pattern. A choice I made so very long ago now is to NEVER have kids. Period. Do I think I could repeat the actions of my abusers; yes I sadly do.
So ultimately the choice was theirs to abuse and the choice is mine not to. If the control of my temper was as easy maybe I would not be typing this today.
God bless each of you and may you master your soul.