Question:

I was raped by my mother and sisters growing up. I have only twice in my life of 39 years to have an orgasm from a woman. I am so tired of having jerk off to get any feeling from it. I have been married for 15 years and love my wife very much , but hate woman so much I think thats what stands in my way. But even with men I have never been to orgasm either. What can I do?

Answer:

My first question is have you done trauma work in intensive psychotherapy to work through your anger at women. It is very common to generalize your anger to women as a whole after being raped by your mother and sisters when, in fact, the anger needs to be contained to your mother and sisters.

Trauma work would help you work through and heal your anger.

I am not sure if you are saying you can orgasm with her present or if you need her to be completely out of the room to ejaculate. I am going to address both. Some men can have intercourse and cannot orgasm inside their partners and need to masturbate to finish and others--even when they masturbate--need their partner in another room.

What you are experiencing is called Inhibited Male Orgasm. I have seen this in many male sexual abuse survivors. The psychology behind it often is that you are holding back so that you are not enjoying the "abuse" which sex with one's partner can feel like if unresolved. Sex with your wife might be like returning to the scene of the crime with you're projecting your mother and sisters onto her.

This can be worked through in therapy and the inhibited ejaculation will resolve as you become healed from the sexual abuse.

Overall, inhibited ejaculation is harder to treat than premature ejaculation where the man has an orgasm to quickly. Also, inhibited orgasm is associated with pee shyness where men also state they cannot urinate in public bathrooms either at all or only in a stall when the bathroom is empty.

This again supports the idea that the man is psychologically "holding back" in his genitals where other people are involved.

I suggest you find a sex therapist who can help you with techniques on how to resolve this. Usually this includes self-stimulation in presence of your partner with a gradual increase in how close she can be to you when you orgasm. It might start with her being outside the bedroom door or somewhere else in the house while you are masturbating. After several times your wife might then enter the room and be near you by the door, moving toward the bed and then laying on next to you with her back to you. It is a gradual process until the orgasm can be reached with the partner present.

If you are able to orgasm but not through intercourse, I would suggest trying to do so by receiving oral sex if you have not already done so. I suggest you have her fellate you until you ejaculate.

If you cannot ejaculate even during oral sex, stimulate yourself until you are able to orgasm into her mouth (if she is consenting) or vagina at the last minute--even if it is one second before. Practice makes perfect and the more you do that the more you will last longer and ultimately be able to orgasm during vaginal and/or anal intercourse.




Edited by Ask the Sex Doc (06/24/11 04:03 PM)
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