Newest Members
rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms, Anony_mous, Drew6991x
12367 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bluesky (44), Brother B+ (48), emal7717 (53), estuardo (52), kwf777 (56), LeeAnne (30), mapleleafsn (52), otherside (61), ronnie (59), Scott1962 (52), thrive-n-survive (42), tom3065 (36)
Who's Online
4 registered (SJC, wearytraveler, JayBro, 1 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12367 Members
74 Forums
63562 Topics
444093 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 17 1 2 3 ... 16 17 >
Topic Options
#364596 - 06/19/11 09:29 PM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364614 - 06/20/11 02:25 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lapchinj
Welcome welcome and it is never to late to start healing. There is a lot you need to discover about yourself here. You need to learn that you were a victim and that you in no way wanted the attention. You need to learn that victims don't go on to become abusers, you need to learn that it is OK to love and touch your children and grandchildren, and you need to learn to love yourself.
I think that when you read the posts and stories of survivors, and come to terms with your own life, and learn to understand it, that you will formulate your own course of action on informing your loved ones. Take some time and learn what you can about what happened to you, ask questions, be honest, and see what it is there is on offer here.

Welcome to the healing journey, enjoy it.
Heal well
God Speed
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364619 - 06/20/11 07:48 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MS lapchinj,

You've been holding a lot inside for a long time.

It's affected your happiness and enjoyment of life and close relations.

Your decision to start to open up will help you heal-and parts will hurt because they have been put on hold for so long.

We are all on this path with you-it is far better than the one we have left. Especially as we embrace truth telling and search for healthy ways to cope and find support and take care of those parts of ourselves we have hidden, repressed, and denied.

MS is a forum with many resources-engaging the resources you need on this path is critical-the experience and guides here to navigate healing and recovery are invaluable.

I hope you can enlist a good T (read the resources page for suggestions on interviewing several Ts before selecting one)-andthat you can find men to help you be accountable as you build a better life.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#364672 - 06/20/11 08:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364694 - 06/21/11 09:12 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I hear you.

It is hard to tell our loves ones we are in pain and need help-but it is a disservice to deny even bloat basic truth about what is going on. Would you want your wife to struggle alone in secret if she were in your shoes?

You are, of course, free to medicate with as much alcohol as you'd like.
If that works for you and doesn't exacerbate your feelings or isolate you more and deepens your regrets,please let me know-maybe illl go back to getting drunk again.

We all need help. There is no shame in that. There is power in applying effort to guidance from others who are qualified. (that's why there are coaches at every level of sports. Right?)

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#364695 - 06/21/11 09:55 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Lapchinj,
Welcome--I totally understand your pain and struggle! It took me a long time to get here as well. I see that you are in NY. If you are in the city, Richard Gartner, who has written several books on the issues we struggle with, has a private practice as well as two male survivor group therapy sessions a week. I am in one of the therapy groups and find it very helpful. Take care of yourself!

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

Top
#364720 - 06/21/11 07:43 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364740 - 06/22/11 11:32 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lapcinj

Firstly, A child, and studies show, that even children up to 16 don't have the emotional maturity to maintain a relationship with an adult, So I say again, A Child cannot be a willing Participant, as you put it. So what happened to you all those years ago was Child abuse.
Secondly, you may be prone to addiction, as many of us are, so although you didn't drink for all those years, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and even though you did not drink for all those years, the disease progressed. Hence you find yourself in this position. Don't forget the train doesn't stop, so get help now. There are better ways to mellow out, Painting, Meditation, going for a walk, fishing, you don't need a bottle to mellow out.

The time on jury duty could have been the trigger to the current situation ?? walking down the old streets remembering, this can trigger all sorts of emotions?

It seems you are starting the cycle again Telling a lie to cover a lie, go for the treatment and talk to your wife. Start by telling her, and after you have worked things out with her, she will assist in the dealing with the children issue.

You two have had such a wonderful life together, don't mess it up with half truths and lies.

Were in your corner
God Speed and heal well
Martin



Edited by whome (06/22/11 11:35 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364768 - 06/22/11 09:12 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364769 - 06/22/11 09:39 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Welcome Lapchinj

you are in good company here. we know how you feel and what you are going through. you are not alone.

this site is a great beginning, but it is important to have a guide to help you get through the whole past, in a sequential and safe way. that you will be able to get from a good Therapist (T).

I too went through CSA. it was from the age of 4-14 years old. and i carried it with me, without help, for over 40 years. I am now 58 and have been in recovery for 3 years.

i started drinking for fun when my wife of 23 years divorced me. it was a great escape for me. but it eventually turned into alcoholism. I started going to AA because i was sick and tired of being sick and tired of the alcohol. i was actually trying to drink myself to death.

AA gave me the courage and tools to seek real help from a good T. I am now 3 years sober as well.

you can do this. i too was afraid of getting too close to my kids. i mistakenly worried that i might abuse them. I highly recommend that you read Mike Lew's book, 'Victims No Longer.' it will be a valuable resources for you to learn about all the complexities of the CSA. he answers all the questions. from reading that book i was able to release a lot of my guilt and shame.

i too, began to like the abuse and felt like i was a willing participant. My main perp was my older brother. he was never cruel or physically abusive during his use of me. Lew's book helped with that, too. it is all i knew from the age of 4, so i thought that it was all 'normal' human behavior. But even though i accepted it, it ruined my life for all these years. I am grateful that i am now in recovery and life isnt great but it is so much better. I have a lot of hope and willingness to make it work for the better.

good luck to you on your journey.

peace

paul smile

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

Top
#364774 - 06/23/11 01:25 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pbert53]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lapchinj

Pbert has put it well, and again It is a fact that victims will start blaming themselves, I could have, I should have, truth is that you couldn't, for reason yet still unknown. It is only when we face what happened to us that we can begin to heal. Sit the wife down and tell her that you were abused as a child, and that you are finding it hard to talk about it. Stress that you would like to join a support group or see a therapist. Then you can reveal the details as they come up.

You have been married to this lovely lady for a long time. She knows that you are not a monster or a pervert,TRUST that love. Her love for you will help to heal the past.

Heal well

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364783 - 06/23/11 08:42 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364785 - 06/23/11 08:59 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364788 - 06/23/11 09:52 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
lapchinj,

Welcome, fellow survivor.

Your experience was traumatic, thank you for sharing with us. In your expressions, you are reaching out in hope for healing. This is cathartic and beneficial.

We are here to support you in anyway, and truly wish to see you through to a stable place in your life.

A suggestion, if I may? A phrase; age appropriate behavior. As you were a child, those around you, indeed those around your friends as well, were negligent in caring for you. They were responsible for your maturity, safety and security. They failed you. You, you are a survivor.

In "remodeling" ourselves, we have twice the work. One, we need to unlearn the abuse, then two, we need to "parent" our inner child to mature. Through acquitting ourselves of their felonious activities and neglect, and self affirmation, we can find true peace and safety.

There are wonderful research, Ken Singer's "Evicting the Perpetrator", Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer", as well as a great work here in MS concerning disclosure and confrontation.

In disclosing, please consider the emotional and mental capabilities of those you would tell, lapchinj. People who are your strongest supporters can change when they find the scope of damage that has been perpetrated against us. Choose your confidants carefully.

Please trust the process so many here have gone through to recover the people we want to be in our lives.


Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#364793 - 06/23/11 11:42 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: SamV]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi there lapchinj me again

CSA is childhood sexual abuse, just in case you asked. I know we get lazy and cant type out the whole phrase.

You said that you need convincing that you were abused,and that you arent sure if you were a willing participant. Well lets see if we can use your own words here.

"But I am freaked out with the way it looks."....Why? to most grandparents, it is normal to frolic with their grand daughters.

"I was the only grown up in the room".... So were you planing something strange, or are you to old to look after them yourself?

"I would call that a very normal thing to do in a very normal family setting. The one problem with that scene is that I'm not a very normal family setting.".....Well this ones self explanatory.

"If someone had touched me or started talking to me and they were strangers I knew this was the first stage in being picked up and I knew what was to follow."......You see this just ISN'T normal behavior. You talk like you are intending to, or are afraid of, doing to one of these children, what was done to you.

"I walked into the pool area and told my oldest that I had a very bad headache and sat in the car for 3 hours. So much for appearances."......I'm sure that you had fun here, instead of playing with your children in the pool?

I could carry on here, but I think you will see that these are not "Normal" actions for normal Fathers and Grandfathers.

I definitely don't think that the issue should be rushed, the fact that you are here means that you are willing to get help.

I am not sure where you are city wise but, Im sure that there are resources at your disposal. I can understand that you don't have the resources, financially, but there are free options available in the states. Ms groups in New York?. I know that you have free clinics available, and these do do therapy.

You say that it is going to be difficult to tell your wife. IT IS, but more often than not it is because we have already "made up" the answers. In reality when we do tell, we look back and say "well I don't know why I was so worried" It seldom works out the way we thought it would.

I want to leave you with one thought, well two, I hope you are not hitting the bottle to much? Thats the first.

Two, I know that you are worried about the all American boy your wife married, and your image, and the fact that you might be seen lesser in her eyes, BUT and here's the big but, Don't you think that your wife, of how many years? 35 40 years? knows exactly who you are now, not whom she married, but who you turned out to be. The man of character that stands before her now. Do you really think that she would love that man any less? Or would she be the one to say, HOW CAN I HELP YOU LOVE. I think the latter would be the case

Remember you are a great person, loving, kind, attentive, and definitely a stayer. All you need to do now, is realize it.

I hardly know you but you already hold a special place in my heart, now YOU need to learn to love YOURSELF. It is possible, you can.

Heal well Brother
GOD SPEED
Martin




Edited by whome (06/23/11 11:48 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364797 - 06/23/11 01:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@lap
I am the wife of a survivor and he is in the denial phase. I wish he would tell me something. Not all of it, unless he wants. I know so little right now that I can only assume the worst.

I am a firm believer that "THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE".
Unless your wife is shallow (which I'm sure she isn't), she will carry the burden with you and help with your healing.

I know I hope my husband is able to trust me enough one day.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

Top
#364821 - 06/23/11 11:22 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#365201 - 06/30/11 07:05 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hello Lapchinj,

FYI: I'm a 50 y.o. single female with a survivor friend.

So glad to read you have a close friend you confide in, and are telling more and more of your story. How comforting and what a great stride forward!

On the topic of guilt due to your co-operation, I'm still always shocked when a man wears guilt because of his get-along go-along actions as a child. Thinking of your case in particular, when you write:

My parents were oblivious to the entire 8-9 years. Interested in their own activities their own agendas. My mother lived in Florida for the winters starting when I was 14. My father went down for the weekends. So I didn't see him from Wednesday night until Monday night. He went to the airport straight from work on Thursdays. I have no siblings so all I had was tons of TV dinners a bunch of TVs a big house and my best friend and of course his sister.

Your parents grossly neglected you. They were supposed to be TEACHING YOU HOW TO LIVE, and instead, they left you to be raised by whatever chance threw your way. Well, chance threw wolves your way, and you adapted. Too bad the statute of limitations has run on your parents' criminal neglect & abandonment of you. This would have been one of those stories we hear every once in a while that shocks everyone: "Mother and Father leave Child Alone in Apartment While They Gamble in Atlantic Casino; Film at 11."

Your fault? You went along? That's what children do. They're inexperienced, they're impressionable. If it were me, I would quit judging myself during that time as though I was at that time actually a 40-year-old man, who had been raised attentively and properly by his parents until he was 22 years old, and all of the sudden - for NO reason! -- I started doing drugs, ridiculous amounts of alchohol, and volunteering to being pimped out for sex. But you weren't 40, you weren't raised right, you were a child who was never taught the right way to live. Parents teach us, and you were never taught. Later, you taught yourself. Well done, sir.

Parents and a good upbringing are important. This is why you were so determined to give your own children a good upbringing. You know all this, just connect the dots.

By the way, I tip my hat to you for raising so many wonderful children. What a GREAT accomplishment!

D.

_________________________
Female.

Top
#365253 - 07/01/11 12:36 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Disappointed]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

Well, we start dealing with this CSA stuff at any age, for me it was buried (sort of) for 60 years. My stuff came out when I was 69 1/2 years old. I've been dealing with this for a short 3 years.

First, it was my "mom" & then a friend of the family, whom I made an emotional, physical, mental & sexual connection to.

Like you, for me it all came to an end when on my 17Th birthday, i left for Air Force basic training.

Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & (friends in pain).

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You already know about that.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, Lapchinj, heal well. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#365257 - 07/01/11 01:56 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#365316 - 07/02/11 02:49 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Celtaf Offline


Registered: 07/02/11
Posts: 23
Thank you for posting this. It helps give me the courage to post here. If you can do this after so many years then so can I.


Top
#365329 - 07/02/11 10:11 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Celtaf]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366235 - 07/19/11 03:14 PM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
lapchinj

How is all going We haven't heard from you for a while. There are few that have garnered such a great response in the past while, as you did.

Please check in with all and let us know how you are doing.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#366374 - 07/22/11 01:51 AM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366375 - 07/22/11 02:18 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lap
I Also "Loved" my perps. By the time I got the Long time perp I was also 12 or 13. It was because of my family situation that I was in, that I went out looking for the Love that I so desperately desired. My Perp took advantage of my situation and MOLESTED me. even at 13 I did not understand adult love, we are not supposed to, and I was abused, make no mistakes.
I hope you find healing, it is only when we accept things that happend to us that we begin to heal. We need to accept that it was not our fault, and then we are able to process the abuse and move on with life.
It is never to late.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#366392 - 07/22/11 09:45 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Lap,
It’s a tricky situation when you’re getting love, affection and nurture as a teenager from an older man who’s having sex with you. (I was in a similar situation. I even initiated the sex.) The attention is what you need, and the sex might seem like a small price to pay. You may even grow to look forward to it, but even as a kid you know something’s wrong there. You have something to hide. You start telling lies. That’s part of the price you pay. Your ability to live openly and honestly as a regular teenage boy is taken from you, and later in adulthood your life is so screwed up you can’t even cuddle your own children or grandchildren. When those innocent kids need and deserve your affection, you can’t give it to them. That’s a horrible, horrible price to pay.

The point is the man who loved you when you were thirteen should not have been having sex with you. He should have given you the things you mention, replacing your mother and father, taking you to the fair and the movies, etc., like you say. That would’ve been healthy. Love, affection, nurture--that would’ve been healthy. But he shouldn’t have touched you sexually. That was wrong of him. He made a decision that was wrong. Even if you begged him to have sex with you, his responsibility was to say no, set boundaries and still love you. You say he was a surrogate father for you. You say he was great. That’s the tricky part. He probably really did give something of value to you at a time when you desperately needed it. But he also took something from you, and what he took, and the price you’ve had to pay for it seems far greater. Why couldn’t he have just loved you without luring you into sex? That he pimped you out probably tells you more about him than you’ve been willing to admit to yourself.


Top
#366393 - 07/22/11 09:49 AM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366394 - 07/22/11 11:12 AM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366398 - 07/22/11 12:56 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Okay, maybe I finally get what you’re saying. Is it just wishful thinking that boys in your situation (our situation--mine was similar) can get love and affection from a man without sex? Perhaps it’s only the lucky kids who get that. If the choice is to have nothing (to be completely alone and hurting) or to have a man who genuinely cares for you, takes care of you in many good ways, but also requires sex from you, then... ? What am I trying to say here? Maybe the line we’re trying to draw between abuse and not abuse is fuzzier than we think.

I can’t help wondering, though, if such thinking might be fodder for potential abusers, men who are looking for excuses to befriend boys and then molest them. They can convince themselves that what they’re giving the boy is better for him than nothing. Is that true? If you knew of a 13 yr old boy in your town who was in a similar situation that you were in, what would you do about it? If you knew he was having sex with an older man, and you were in a position to stop it, would you? Or would you just let it slide, thinking that what the boy was getting was better than nothing? Is every situation different? If some situations are "not abuse," then why are the consequences in later life so dire?


Top
#366418 - 07/22/11 07:41 PM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing

Top
#366425 - 07/23/11 12:22 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lap
I wasn't abused by my family I was abused by strangers, I think I did it because I wanted stuff, including love and care. But I do remember feeling that it wasn't right. Did I enjoy it? I think I did at times, But my heart now tells me that I didn't want this at all.

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#366439 - 07/23/11 10:17 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
Hi Jeff

I’ve read the whole discussion through and I'm very sorry to hear the though spots you have been in and the rough time you have now by the repercussions of it all.

I think it's quite clear that a simple definition of what abuse is, and what it isn't, is not that easy to form.

In what I’ve been learning and reading about abuse here and in my life, I think the next definition is quite possible.

(Child) Sexual Abuse occurs in any relationship between two parties where there is no consent and/or equality and/or voluntary between both parties at the moment itself by one of the two parties, or not wanted in retrospect.


  • Consent: Consent is more then just saying “yes” or the absence of resistance. You have to really agree with what will happen, which means you should know what will happen and you also should know which the repercussions of your actions are.
  • Voluntary: There should be an absence of any form of coercion, threats, manipulation, violence and/or blackmail.
  • Equality: This is extremely important at the levels of age, knowledge, intelligence, power, authority, life-experience and maturity. There should be some sort of balance between both parties on all these levels.


I do think you agree that when violence and threats are used to coerce the victim to comply is easily categorised as abuse. As there is no consent, the victim doesn’t comply voluntary and as there is an obvious difference in power, you can’t speak of any equality.

When you talk about yourself, the difficult level to come across is the voluntary level. You believe you were complying on your own. But I disagree, you wanted most of all a father figure, who would love you and nurture you. The act of sex you paid was like a light price for the advantages you get in return. But that’s a form of manipulation. You get all you wanted and in return you gave what your “surrogate dad” wanted. It looked like a low price then, but instead, when you reflect now on the things you lost. Like playing with your children and grandchildren, just talking to children and youth, being afraid of any touch by any stranger, etc…. It was and still is a very big cost. If you reflect now on this exchange, I don’t think you really wanted it, and so that would mean you didn’t really volunteered to it.

Originally Posted By: lapchinj

From the tremendous amount of reading I've done the answer will most probably be that yes everything I mentioned is abuse but I was too f**ked up to realize it then and I'm still too f**ked up and too thick headed to realize it or admit it now. If the answer is that it all was abuse how do I relate to it? And how do I handle it? I've heard it said that I'm totally innocent. Is that true? In what way?


But I agree that admitting that it was all abuse isn’t easy. In your case you have carried this blame around for so many years, and you adapted to it a lot. You probably said a lot to yourself, “I’m partly responsible”, so it would become easier to keep quiet about it and to hold it deep inside yourself. But that’s a standard strategy from a lot of abusers. Let the child believe “he wanted it too“, and if he believes it, the abuser is safe from any breach of this.
The problem with this question is, if you aren’t responsible, it will overthrow all images and answers you made for yourself to survive those 10 years, and the 40 years after that. It’s easier to blame ourselves for it then to admit, “we weren’t responsible for it”. But I’ll say it again and again, “you weren’t responsible”, you still aren’t, you were a victim and in some aspects you still are. The love you felt and still feel for this man, is through my eyes some sort of survival instinct. Letting go of this “love” is like jumping out of a plane while you don’t know if the parachute will open or not.

Take care and don’t give up on this struggle, the road is harsh and paved with a lot of deep pits, but at the end, all pain and hardship you are getting now will worth it.

John


Top
#366462 - 07/23/11 10:55 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366467 - 07/24/11 12:33 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: john22]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366472 - 07/24/11 02:32 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pbert53]
Tedure Offline


Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 203
Loc: Utah
Welcome,
I am the same age as you and have had the same feelings as you. So I wanted to add my two-bits...

Because, like you, I kept trying to fill my need for LOVE and connection "With sex." Of course that never worked so I strived even harder and harder in this negative way to meet those needs. My cycle of sexual addiction strengthens. Each time I was left with guilt, shame, emptiness, feelings of worthlessness, abandonment, and disconnection. My innocence was gone. It was not good. I ended up with a compulsion for more and more…thinking perhaps there is someone out there who would love me…

It’s almost impossible to stop this cycle because in my mind I believed that it was better to be abused than to be nothing. It was better to feel guilt and shame than to feel nothing…I kept telling myself that it was all my fault and that I was a bad worthless person.

This part of my life was now becoming a bottomless pit. In fact every addiction is a bottomless pit. Enough is never enough. Addiction and low self-esteem go together.
I was not Calm. I was not in control. I did not have a feeling of “All is well.” I didn’t care about others. I didn’t know where LOVE was. I equated sex with my need for LOVE. I kept battling the Dragon and the storm just kept building and winds increased for 15 years…as I kept sinking deeper and deeper… into a very dark hole.

In retrospect, it really had very little to do with sex like a normal person thinks of sex. Sex had just become my medication-my “drug of choice.” …my addiction. And I had been medicating since age nine. The storm clouds just gathered and got darker as time passed.

Eventually, after years of raging, like most people caught in addiction, I finally hit bottom. There was nowhere for me to go but up. I knew I needed to stop. I knew I needed to get on with my life by living in the present…Forgive others and most importantly forgive myself. I knew I needed to calm the storm and the rage in my heart. I knew I would only succeed with God’s help and the support of those who really love me.... I have now been in recovery for over 30 years.


Occasionally, I will have a trigger event that brings back the childhood memories I'd rather forget. The emotions I feel when those memories rise to my consciousness no longer draws out the shame I once knew. Nor do those memories compel me to play out the destructive roles I once pursued. For me, forgiveness was the final step in my path to healing and it was the act of forgiveness that became my bridge to sanity.

Forgiveness was not a moment for me. Rather, it was a process over time when I replaced my shame with fortitude. When shame and lust no longer became my weapons of choice, I replaced it with thriving. The process of forgiveness gave me the willingness to live courageously and chose love despite life's pain. Learning to be a good man despite my abuse was my vow, knowing it was not my fault. The act of forgiveness meant I was no longer willing to carry this burden at my peril. For me, forgiveness was the acknowledgment of accepting my life's painful experiences as one variable which molded me but did not define me. The act of forgiveness has release me from being perpetually tortured by my past.

Were it not for forgiveness, I would not know the love I have for my wife, my children or my neighbors. Were it not for my abuse, I might not have learned the lesson of forgiveness. (thanks to someone at this sight that shared this words with me on forgiveness)

I was at the point in my life where I needed to start the changing direction process and begin to live in the reality of now. Forgiveness is a major part of this process. I recently heard a great definition of forgiveness on TV:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. It’s accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”

There is great power in forgiveness especially when you start with yourself!!

Take care, Ted

_________________________
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

Top
#366473 - 07/24/11 03:35 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Tedure]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:12 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366476 - 07/24/11 08:10 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 179
Loc: Europe-Belgium
Hi Jeff

Just a few quick questions regarding to what you wrote:

Originally Posted By: lapchinj

I have to go with the belief that he felt as if I was his son and he my father.


Do you think such a relationship (where there is sex involved) is healthy, if you were his son and he your father?
And is a relationship with real love possible when there is a great difference of power?

John


Top
#366478 - 07/24/11 09:26 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: john22]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:12 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366482 - 07/24/11 10:07 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: john22]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Jeff,
Thanks for this thread. It’s got to be one of the most interesting I’ve encountered on this site. It brings up questions not only about definitions of abuse, but also of childhood, levels of responsibility at different ages, what constitutes love, etc. Neat and easy answers don’t apply to your situation. If abuse could be charted on a spectrum, yours might end up on one end, while many of the other guys on this site might end up on the other. Even the pimping sounds like it wasn’t a shaming or humiliating experience for you (at least at the time; the shame you feel is with your family finding out now). You weren’t physically forced into it or threatened with harm. You liken it to a paper route, just something you did along with other kids in that time and place. And you were lucky enough to walk (relatively unscathed?) out of it at 18. (Like Ted, I wasn’t so lucky. I ended up with a sex addiction.) From what you’re telling us, it seems you’re either deluding yourself, or your “surrogate father” really did do something right (why does even the suggestion make me wince?) in protecting you. He made sure you had some level of nurture and care, got after you for pimping yourself on the street, did other fatherly things with you and for you. Who’s to say there wasn’t some genuine love involved? (You may’ve gotten more from this man than I got from my real father.) On the other hand, if the whole thing was calculating and manipulative on his part, you were had. You say you believe the love he had for you was “true and honest.” As you point out, the only way to know for sure would be to ask him, and we can all guess what his answer would be, and the only person who would know if it was the truth would be him. Which makes me think again of a spectrum. Perhaps it’s a fallacy to say abuse is abuse, period. There are degrees and differing levels of harm. In a perfect world, he would’ve been a hero and loved you without enticing you into sex. He wouldn’t have pimped you out (even if it was something all the other kids were doing and something you wanted). He would've shielded you from that world like a good father. But this isn’t a perfect world. Things aren’t black and white. They’re messy. He took you where you were and himself where he was, and managed to love you, perhaps even honestly and truly. Or he was a heartless bastard who never cared one bit for you and manipulated and used you from start to finish. Or the truth is somewhere in between. I believe he was wrong to have sex with you. He shouldn’t have pimped you out. Does that mean he was all bad? No. Nor does it mean there wasn’t something good between you that felt like love and may’ve been good for you in that time and place, in those circumstances.

The question of your family finding out about your past is another issue, which brings up a lot of interesting questions. Like why you feel so protective of the smoke screen you’ve set up, why you need to have them believe this certain image of you, why you can’t just be a flawed human being (like the rest of us) and trust them still to love you (maybe they’ll love you more) knowing the truth about you. All American sportsmen are a dime a dozen. Real heroes are people who rise triumphantly above things like abuse, hard luck, poor choices, prostitution instead of paper routes.


Top
#366521 - 07/24/11 10:07 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:31 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366530 - 07/25/11 12:27 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:31 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366691 - 07/26/11 10:25 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Jeff,
Can't get the picture of you crying on the corner out of my head. Been carrying it around for a couple of days. Whatever you may think of yourself during that time, that image says a lot.

You have to decide what to tell your family, but I will say this: My father was always a mystery to me. There was always something missing, even during our few good times together, something absent at the center of him. He never allowed himself to be affectionate with me. I had food and shelter, but he never took a personal interest in me. Of course that's all I ever wanted, for him to take a personal interest in me.

It sounds like your relationship with your kids is much better. But if my father came to me now and told me the reason he was always distant, I think I would love him for it. If he told me he was a prostitute, I would love him for his courage and thank him for trusting me enough to tell me. It would open a door for me to finally understand him and what happened (or what didn't happen) between us.


Top
#366697 - 07/26/11 11:30 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:32 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366700 - 07/26/11 11:47 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:32 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366744 - 07/27/11 03:30 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pbert53]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I know of a solution for your recovery! You don't need to use your insurance. I am a Veterans Representative and work at a VA Hospital. I went to counseling, in the psychiatric department for my sex issues whith my predators, which I also was a willing member, but found out I have no power of control, therefore, eventhough I gladly got down on my knees to those men, it is not on me, it is on them. The VA is discreet and do not notify loved ones or bill you. You said you were in the Air Force, well this is free, no one will know. I know 'cause I too had to keep the a secret from everyone just like you! I now tell everyone, and they make their minds up it they still want to be a friend or a caring relative or not.

Don
Try not to make up any more excuses and just do it!

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366745 - 07/27/11 03:44 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I know you can tell your wife. I have been there; I told her I was abused at age 12,13, by a non related relative called Uncle & at 14 by couple other older teens. She asked me what happened (she is a Sociologist) I started with graphic details, and she stopped me. She was happy I told her and will listen any time I need her to, but really didn't want the details. I was relieved I did not have to tell her all my details, like I was more than willing, I actually enjoyed. She told me to find counseling, and she will support me in anyway I feel I need her to be. Thank you Ellen!!!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366757 - 07/27/11 06:42 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:33 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366763 - 07/27/11 08:10 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:33 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366800 - 07/28/11 04:15 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Hey Soldier! I would like to first thank you for serving! Because you served, you are eligble for medical benefits. If perchance you were injurred ot hurt during your time in the service, American Legion will become your 'Power of Attorney and help get you compensation from the VA. I have all the info; you need to find the closest VA or The Vet Center, does counseling. They do both one on one and group, the choice is yours. I am a Veterans Representative in the Left coast. Brooklyn 11209 (800 Poly Place, 718 836 6600. Bronx 10468 (130 West Kingbridge Rd., 718 584 9000, or 800 877 877 6976. NYC 10010 (423 East 23rd St., 212 686 7500 just incase you wish to visit you old stomping grounds! Kiddin!!
Get ur Done! There are also clinics and Vet Centers; let me know if you would like any of them. As I said, I use them for me sexual Counseling, I highly recommend them! Just tell them Don sent you !!!
I am rooting for you and will be an advocate on your behalf. I also belong to American Legion, and am an Officer with Am Vets.
Tell me how it went,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366802 - 07/28/11 05:34 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
My wife and I just came back from the State Fair. It is a great ulternative from getting banged in a back ally, with my pants on my ankles, him twisting my nipples. We saw REO Speedwagon, it was great! It takes the place of kneeling in front of a stranger and he is pulling your hair back and forth, telling you to swallow! I too was a prostitute. At a very young age. Lapchinj, we're in this boat together, I too think about the degrading things I did (no holes barred!) I haver found happiness in a woman, we do things together. She looks at me, wonders what I am thinking; but will not pry as long as I make her happy. I still have sex with Uncle while I have sex with her; that has allways been the problem. He is in my head, in bed with us all of the time. Therapy is working on that, and soon he will no loinger have sex with me, while I am having sex with my wife. She doesn't know about that, just you and therapy. He still leans me over the table,opening the back door; he still has me in bed and making me orally pleasure him or even in the bathroom having me pound on him while he takes a crap. Uncle had me do so many demented things I can never get it out of my mind! This gave me poor grades in school, gave me boners in the boys shower room, then trying to hide it, so I do not get that repretation, or recall him laying me down in the chicken coop, as I am taking an exam in reality. I would flunk, due to not able to concentrate, because he is always in my head. This is getting better, I graduated from college with goo grades; able to blank him out, which I was unable to do in Jr and Sr High. hiding a hard on walking down the halls was embarrassing. But the showers and the locker room was by far the worst, mostly 'cause no one had clothes. I did great in the Army, feeling the bad parts are gone. That is until I met him while visiting my relatives on the east coast; my cousin and I were riding bikes, she told me she wanted to see her cousin, so we went to her house; I leaned on one leg on the bike and Uncle came out and hugged me. His hand was ib the front horn of the seat, zipped down my pants, in a split secone he produced an erection, hopped on my cousins bike, and I left with him so the girls could not see my boner. He stopped in the pasture, tackled me off the bike pants me and we had oral sex on each of us. We went back, before I could leave, he wispered "Don't be a stranger." He kissed me, again touching and grabbing me on the seat. He called me his F*@k buddy, and he has more moves he wishes to do with me. Her and I left, I realized I can never see him ever again! He has some type of control of me. Can't say no! But I did automatically spread my legs for him. Went back to the mid west and did not do that type of behavior anymore. I can still feel his hand on my bike seat and zipping it down before anyone noticed. Being in the Army, why couldn't I fend him off of me? I was 12 once more! That occasion comes back in my head when I am making love; can't stop it! I see us roling around in the dirt on his pasture. Going back, and my cousin seeing me disshoveled, and dirty, with a big wet spot, as I looked like I just peed my drawers, they all saw that.
Another reason I could never go back.
Embarrassed,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366807 - 07/28/11 10:11 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:33 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366830 - 07/28/11 05:34 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
This is the one thing you can tell your children, and wife you did! Be proud you're a Veteran. You served so others can sleep safely! Thanx for that Jeff. This can bridge much of the gap you need to cover with your family. Veterans have had many problems with re-entering the civilian work place and society, this is well known. You're family will love to hear about the Air Force when you served; this will give them closure on your mysterious past, as well as you. Going to the VA, you will also find a huge brotherhood and support. My office is full everyday with Vets needing assistance and telling me their war stories as I help them eliminate their barriers to employment, get them in school and find them jobs. You will love it there and the Vets will welcome you with open arms, as the Dr.'s work on your wellness.
Tell them you are a Vet, it is a positive thing that they will hold on to!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366834 - 07/28/11 07:19 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I am now Forcing you to stop putting the blame on you! As a minor the court system does not hold us accountable for many of our actions! Yep we knew what we were doing, but don't have all the dimensions of common sense to permit or not to do orally pleasure an adult male! We just do it and worry about the consequences at a later date. Propping myself against a wall, while he is incerting his member behind me, should tell him (the adult) this is wrong. Even if I begged for him to bang me as hard and fast as he could. He should tell me, "Boy, you are heading down a long dirty road to hell!" I didn't and I did him. I am ashamed for all the things I did at 12; but it is because I am an adult, I see the woo of my ways. Therapy is a process which will give you valadation and understand; contrary to your having fault.
We are brothers, both whores, and prostitutes. These are things my wife will never find out from me, so we are in sinc there.
I'm sorry about your experience in the military! You need counseling for posibility of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Another trip to VA Mental Health. I get help there for my Sex Disorder. The VA is not the institution Need any information on the VA I'm here.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366840 - 07/28/11 07:56 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:33 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366846 - 07/28/11 08:17 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:34 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366857 - 07/28/11 10:29 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You weren't a great Airman? And I was a terrific Private? NOT! I have a Rifle Marksman Medal, and something else. nothing I could put on a wall for all to view. There are a lot of us at the VA who are far from heroes. I see some in the halls with every medal hanging on him like jewlery. They went to the PX and bought a handful for appearances. Don't be impressed with them. It is what they do that merits their greatness.
Like you, I had to join the Service because I was under the Foster system and timed out at 18. No one, no where to go, I joined. I was not going to set the military under fire with my greatness. I succeeded! Now I serve those Veterans and appreciate their service, even you! Forgive yourself, you did a better job than me. You don't want my long story? That is a threat! If you wish to get into cans of worms? I will match you worm from worm in my can against your can any day. Be warned, we will be embarrassing the both of us!!!!!
PTSD would be done on a one on one therapy session.
You were lucky with your male apartment episode. That has happened to me also, but I got my mouth pressed against his lap and made to swallow. A sticky hand would be preferable! Not proud of what happened, but it is now apart of me, I can never change that. My wife realizes that and I'm sure your wife will also, if you just let her in!
You are fighting with the exact things these men on this post are. . . . tell u what; forgive me for all the discusting things I did and I will forgive you for what you did. Again, if you still want to measure yours against mine, so be it.
Your friend, without a happy ending,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366871 - 07/29/11 01:07 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:34 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366872 - 07/29/11 01:11 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I had triggers from my Uncle, he would sit down the beside me and put his hand on my knee. I opened them, in anticipation of his next move on me. That was sitting; when laying down, he would touch me, so I would spread my legs across the bed. He programmed several triggers on me, having me unzip him while he was driving, or going on all 4's so he can me around my chest,entering me at will. I'm I to blame? Maybe. Is it my fault? I just survived, as you were doing. He brought other men to enjoy me. I handled it as an assembly line. So much stuff squirted inside me, it came dripping out for a long time. Some places, just can't swallow. Lifting me up while they were standing, as they had me ride them, hanging on for deer life. Yes, I was bad, as bad as you were. I have forgiven myself and all of my molesters (Johns in your case). Basically the same. I will guide you through the VA bureacracy, don't drop the balls.
"Keep on Truckin; Look at all the fun you had . . . there are such a lot of good ways . . . to be bad.! Grateful Dead Now being bad is ice cream, too much pasta, loud music.
Walk with your head held high! If that does not aid you; walk with your middle finger higher! That was from my darling wife, so I put it in for kicks.
We're in the together, bro
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366874 - 07/29/11 01:49 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
I really like Driftwood's entry to Tarheel's feeling guilty about getting pleasure from his having sex with men. It is on another thread; read it.
Your Bro,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366900 - 07/29/11 10:08 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:35 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366903 - 07/29/11 11:29 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You got me wrong, your my hero! You never were in the Air Force; you are an anigma! You work for the CIA! Before I got married, I was going to do the same thing, never let my future wife no anything! I considered it for months. How do I explain having men enter me while they hold my legs up in a V? Sitting on the floor while a man is sitting on my lap bobbing up and down while I am licking on his member. Or going doggy style with a man's nuts slamming against mine, like wringing bells. Hard to explain to a woman. I did explain, not the best moment in my life. I had to tell her of my sex addiction, details of my sex acts, while my eyes glossed, not by tears. I thought it wouldn't be fair to her. I told her that everytime I make love to her, my mind was having filthy sex with Uncle. It was a necessary discussion! When her father was dieing she was donating blood to him. I had to tell her that because of my homosexual past, she better rethink, giving him blood. She was bullistic!!! That conversation I would have loved to avoid, but instead I man'd up, took all the heat and was brutally honest with most of my oral and anal sex acts. She did not donate blood to him, but I was on notice with her for quite some time. Ellen now understands me; she insists 'No affairs with men, along with women!'. I do that, we are much closer for my brutal honesty. We car pool, do everything together; we do not swing. In my mind, swinging could not hold a candle to the swinging my balls did when I was just a kid!
Triggers: I ask men; "Do you want me to lay on my back; do you want me to lay on my stomach?" "Do you like it when I stand, or do you wish me to bend over, or do I do you on my knees; I'll do anything you wish. I was considered a throw away kid, I was dirty and versatile! I got no food, but I did it for 3 days with no Union breaks! I did get alcohol to loosen me up; (like I needed that). No weed, but I told me wife I was very high and numb at the time. I was actually very lucid and aware.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366905 - 07/29/11 01:12 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You see yourself in 'The Wall' Pink Floyd with your parents. I see myself in 'Us and Them' Pink Floyd 'Dark Side of the Moon'. This was a song written about one of the founding members who went insane. He did several of the 1st albums, but was too far gone for 'Dark Side of the Moon' or 'The Wall' or any of the albums after. I feel the insanity they sang about, feeling temporary insanity through ACID, but with nothing in my system, I felt his brain dripping, and how easy it can be for me to institutionalized. I never was suicidal, but crazy was always a posibility. Ny job kept me sane and in touch with reality. Having clients who had problems far worse than I could ever imagine, brought me back; I thought "You spoiled 'lil shit! There's nothing wrong with you, don't make shit up!!!!
Back to point: Jeff, don't misunderstand me, do what you need to do, to get you where you want. I am only giving you tools to do what I thought you needed to do. You talked about your wife overseeing the bills and you feared her seeing a receipt. I instantly thought the VA! No bills, only for Veterans which I read you were. Don't wanna do VA; up to you. I know I can lead you to water, but I can't force you to drink. I do care, but we can just talk, without you fearing me putting you in a VA institution. That ain't my job; I am just seeking people who have things in common with me and we can share our pain. Talking to helps me a great deal, and we can just leave it at that. Don't think about therapy at the VA, just think about 2 kids who got abused only 100 miles from each other. We forever share that time and position. My 'experience' was in Atlantic City, seeing my blood relatives for the 1st time. Their Uncle, asked to have my younger brother help him on his night routes to local grocery stores delivering produce in a bobtail truck. He went with Uncle 6 times before he told my Aunt he would not go and ran off. She nominated me (Not having any idea what she was doing, putting me in harms way), we did some deliveries, when night fell, he scooted me closer to him, zipped my fly down, feeling me inside my underwear, while he pushed it down toward the flood and beat me off. I had no clue, he asked me if this feels good, I said "Ya" I began to feel funny inside, then I erupted, he never stopped beating me off. I felt it run down my pants on my shoes and the floor. He did the same thing to me on the our last route. I got tired, I laid on his lap, when I woke, his boner was rubbing my nose! I didn't touch it, didn't what was going on, eventhough I got it 2 times, I thought I pee'd. He said it was too late to bring me home, so he took me to his house, where I never slept! I learned how to jack a man off, he showed me how to orally satisfy a man, had me apply my new learned skill on him after he did me. By morning I was graduated to doing and getting 'back door'. Still it more months to learn all the positions. He was up for the challenge. When he took me home in the morning, he was inside my zipper, pulled me out and worked it like I had a bone for him, when my brother came up on my side of the truck, saw my meat sticking up with his hand pounding it. He pulled me out of the truck, said 'Bye' to Uncle, hid us behind a tree, stuck my boner back in my pants and zipped me back up, took me in the house, brought me in the bathroom, I stripped as he drew a bath, and went to the bedroom, got me clean clothes. He told me that was why he did not want to go back to Uncle. Now we had a problem, we could not tell my Aunt, we just met these people. So we decided to get abused together. and be there for each other for 3 months. We were releaved to leave the east coast, back to the mid west. My Foster Parents got a call from my relatives, asking for the boys to come back next summer. We begged our Foster Parents not to send us back. They asked why? We looked at each other, we said nothing! That's final, you boys are going to the east coast to see your real relatives! Great! 3 more months of being raped!!! Our Social Worker told us, it will be healthy for you boys! Healthy for who, we wondered? My Brother and I received a PhD in Hand Jobs, Oral Pleasuring, & corn holing! With a minor in positions, and group banging.The group was always on the both of us!
To much info?
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366909 - 07/29/11 03:34 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:36 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366924 - 07/29/11 04:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Still mulling over your feelings of guilt about choices you made. It matters to me because I made similar choices, and want to forgive myself. When I told parts of my story on this site, other guys pointed out that it wasn’t my fault. I broke down and wept reading their responses. (Your insistence on blaming yourself is making it hard on me!) I want to believe I was having sex with older men at a young age because the rest of my life was screwed up, not because I chose to be bad, or I’m an innately bad person. Yeah, I enjoyed the sex. Hell, I initiated it. But what I really wanted at 13, was a father.

You were in a dire situation. Your parents didn’t nurture you. You found a way to survive. You lost your innocence quickly. Your fault? I don’t think so. You made choices, yes. So what if you got into the role and grew to like it? You were admired. You felt wanted. (The same reasons I did it.) You didn’t just decide at 13 to be a prostitute. That decision was made for you. You adapted. If your caretaker had been a healthy disciplinarian who made you channel your energies into sports and school, you probably would’ve excelled in those areas and never considered prostituting yourself. If you made choices, Jeff, it was within the very limited realm of options you were faced with.

Your guilt is like the person who manages to save only one of two kids from a burning building. If the roof’s collapsing, you have to get out of there. Yes, it’s a shame you couldn’t have saved both kids, but it’s certainly not your fault. You didn’t start the fire. You didn’t ask for bad parents or for a surrogate father who turns out to be a pimp. That was the situation that presented itself to you. You didn’t invent it. Within those circumstances, you made choices that allowed you to survive. Your innocence burned in the fire. That’s not your fault.


Top
#366929 - 07/29/11 06:17 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Don't you worry 'bout me! I feel the thread has given my sanity as well as yours!
I am very sorry you have been effedted by this economy; so many people have. I just wrote to my Congressman to sign the stinken bill and chop our economy when we are not putting our credit on the line! You have many things going on, your there for your entire family like a rock! I solute you! As Mr. diftwood suppested; forgive yourself, we do. He also said what he was looking for when he was 13 was a Father, I was too. Like you I found one who took care of my Brother and I; we loved him and we pleased him beyond what a real son would do as you did. A real father would never want to see your boner, or do positions of humiliation. We all found the 'Anti Father'! Father doesn't lick your loins, pull on your nuts. They support you in school, sports, never seeing your private parts, unless your changing, or going for a swim. This took me awhile to figure out. My next father, would like me to blow him? I can do that, but that is not a father, that is a preditor! Driftwood has some other good comments in other threads I read and posted in here previously. I am not a person who shows great wisdom, or any wisdom. I have a great sense of humor, not restraint and at work, I am a poor civil servant. My clients love that 'cause I am not politically correct, or follow the usual path of my co workers. Saying that I have a case load 5 times larger than my next co worker. I get referrals from my old customers, I work along with my customers and not set the loose out in the working world without proper skills they can use to their advantage. I also utilize people like Driftwood who can provide things that I lack, or do not see, the they obtain a 3 dimensional approach in service. Thanx Driftwood, I have read your stuff, I could never be a thorough as you. You possess insight. We are brothers in coming out of an ugly childhood.
I'm still your Bro Jeff,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366935 - 07/29/11 07:33 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff,& Driftwood,
I am not ganging up on you. I am behind your decision, what ever you do. I will not give up on you. That is what I like about this website; we're all screwed up! I refer to the Bible (don't stand too close, I could go up in flames!) . . . judge not, for yee shall be judged . . . . I have been judged and judged by religious people and I have a place in Haitis when I die. I will be burning and groped for eternity. I do not want to do that to you; I will support you in any direction you chose.
Our friend Driftwood is way more eliquent than me, and I see him telling you things with more clarity than I could ever do. I won't say this anymore, Driftwood is on your side, he is not beating you up. I take much of what he is saying and applying it to Don as well.
Foarer Parents came and went; they did not give a shit about me, but they never put their hands on my shoulders and f*^k'd me standing, or squeezing my nuts to extract a few more drops out of my penis. No, they did not screw me, Uncle and his buddies did that, piling up on me 3 deep. That is not love; so I got to thank all of my Foster Parents for not putting their hands inside my pants and jacking me off! I sought more attention than what they gave me and got it with an abundance!!!!
I am doin OK on the left coast, wish I could do more for you. right now, I will write to you and have Driftwood be the sane one.
I am not the person you want to use as an example; unless, you are doing a project on the most demented person of the century.
I think you are fine. OK, you resemble me! That's not good. anyway, I am hear for you!
I admire what you are doing to caring for your entire family. You, is what you needed for a father, when you were growing up. My hat is off to you, and I hope you recover fron foreclosure. We are upside down, having to make payments on a house that now is worth less than we owe! We will get through this together!
Like you, I discovered the mess I was in, when in May something brought this all to the front of my mind. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I know we here that expression all of the time; well it did, and I went through a Great Depression, seeing my past bad behavior before me. Through wisdom of my therapist, I told all my friends and realatives. My wife had known for years. I no longer am on their speed dial and they do not take my calls, 'cause I sm now a freak! Some of my relatives asked me what did we do? One of them was molested by the same Uncle, so I figured he had the same experience. Well, I began to tell them about my 1st time in the truck, going down my fly; then I described some of our blow jobs, and him holding my ankle in a V while crashing into my butt, with his balls slamming my cheeks. What? No calls, no e-mails, letters. I called them to stay in touch; I said "Did we sleep together last night?" they said "No!" "Well then why don't you return my calls?" they still don't communicate like before, even my cousin Jerry who was raped like me. After all these years, I see it all in graphic detail. He may not.
Still wanna B friends?
Flawed,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366937 - 07/29/11 07:54 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:36 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366938 - 07/29/11 08:05 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:37 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#366945 - 07/29/11 08:50 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Don't be concerned about me; I'll be fine! Nothing you say will hurt my feelings, unless you tell me you're sick and tired of my jokes. I then am absolutely crushed.
Here's a hug from me. No happy ending! I do enjoy our conversations.
I think Driftwood is disagreeing with your definition. He cares enough to write to you. Don't take it too much to heart. He is a man of clarity and reason. I lack big time in those areas! My philosophy has always been to be light, don't take me serious, 'cause I ain't got any of those bones in my body. Again, that is why I am able to have a large case load, I keep em smiling, while they going through adversity. No need to get heavy when the guy is suffering. I go for the smile, if it only lasts a few minutes. We work out the problem with funds from compensation, disability, GI Bill and GI Loan and more. Now we can work on their wellness. The stress has to be lessoned for the Vet to focus on getting a job,or going to school. There are sharper people than me, but I get more effective results and less pain.
Don't lose sleep on this! Listen to me! I'm the bureaucrat!!! I see his point, but do not need to see it driven. You agreed with him on his points, I think you two are coposcetic. You two are good. I hear him saying he is very similar to you and I. We are brothers, riding in the same bus that most people do not understand. All those degrading things you did, so did Driftwood, so did I. We all held on to our abuser's hair, pushing him deeper while getting a blow job. That makes us all the same if nothing else does. Forcing the man to gulp every drop before he lets our dicks go. I wanted it and liked it. It was not always, we got screwed from the man; we got our turns also.
This we have in common! I do not share that with my friends or relatives; both driftwood and I are sharing it with you; 'cause you have shared yours with us!!!!!!!
We're Brothers; Brothers argue,
Just a 3 hour difference,
I'm here for you, I solve problems for Veterans who have barriers to employment. It may take time, but I am patient,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366946 - 07/29/11 09:11 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Hey Jeff! Guess who? The other night my wife and I saw the play 'Oliver'. He was an orphan, put out on the streets, doing what he had to do to survive. I see you there, as he was on the streets. Later, he was taken in be a kind man (no sex) at least in the play. My belief in that day and age it was common for a boy to get raped for food and shelter, along with robbing. You are Oliver! Oliver was safe and secure with this man.
where are you in your foreclosure? Does your son have medical insurance? You should not have all of this crap piled on you.
Don't give up on us! Lean on me!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366956 - 07/29/11 11:38 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Hey Jeff,
I don’t know very much. I only have my own experience to go by (and as our friend Don has insightfully pointed out, I was too busy grasping my abuser’s head during blow jobs to learn much during my formative years), but I think you’re right in saying you prostituted yourself for your surrogate father and that you had to do it in order to keep him. You needed a father, and he was all you had. I’m sorry that you feel so bereft admitting that. But maybe it’s a sadness and emptiness you need to feel. I know something about that kind of pain. A lot of us on this site do. If it helps at all, I feel some of it with you. And I bet Don does too.

Few things in life parse out easily into either/or terms. It may not be accurate to say he either loved you or he was an abuser. It would be presumptuous of anyone here to try to say what was in that man’s heart. You know better than anyone. From your de>

Top
#366963 - 07/30/11 01:08 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Driftwood,
I appreciate your this posting! I can't thank you enough! You just made my day! I see how insightful you are; I'm impressed with your verbal skills and that wisdom you possess. Your a buddy too. I should take that back; an older teen ripped my close off, banged me in an ally, as some of my friends watched. Nothing they could do, I was 13 and he was 20. tearing my anus, bleeding for 4 days. His name was Buddy; so I will change your status and just call you Bro like Jeff is.
Thank you very much for your last entry!! All of would have been a lot better off if we had a Father! Jeff needed one, you needed one and I needed one. "Pappa was a rolling stone" but more appropriate is "Sometimes I feel like a Fatherless Child". Think of the kids today who hunger for love, attention and a father and run into the arms of men like we did. I am reading about preditors and they are in full force, the kids don't have a prayor!
I can't help because of my fear of molesting, eventhough I never did, I was molested and like Jeff, I can't go near boys. I legally can; I just can't! I don't hold babies, don't play with kids. Like I am a sex criminal; but it is just my restrictions, Jeff is the exact same way, we live with that; people think we're grumpy and unsocialable. In reality as I told Jeff, I am terrified of children! Be taken the wrong way; therefore I avoid them.

Jeff,
Good news, the administrator has read our thread and felt in necessary to to start a thread for Veterans! I went in there and found Veterans who were raped in the Service. Most of them were molested as we were when they were kids. Because of you, there is a sight for Veterans!
Thanx,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#366994 - 07/30/11 01:45 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff, Friend!
You don't know me. but I am a friend, I'm your friend! I want to continue to be your friend in any way that I can. I said it! With that being said, I fear all this shit is making you suicidal. I do not want to be the cause of that. I want to be company with you and not drive you to go over the edge. You have a plate full with your parents, your son, your wife. So I would like to be more of a release from all that for you. Talk to me anytime about anything, no judging no holes barred. I do want to make a 'lil request and you can tell me to Fock Off! Can you please cut down on your drinking? For me? I will prop you, while you reduce your intake. Don't need to stop, just reduce; I feel with all the shit you are going through and my harrassing you has put you on the edge. Your my brother! something you need to know; I had sex with my brother several times; Under the instruction of Uncle, after awhile we both liked it, also used it as a release for not doing someone else. I will do that for you. One line, look at the screen; can you see me touching myself? If you can't see it ... you're sipping too much alcohol. I see your depression and we're not worth causing your depression. There is another thread assisting Service Men and Veterans I need to use your help on. It's new and there is a need. So I need you to keep yourself together; if it takes you to imagine me naked with an erection, so be it. I can do that; you just have to sober up. I will do anything to save you from what is hurting you. Remember, I too was a dirty, filthy, throw away boy. Men piled up on me like they did on you. The difference, I made way less money for all those 'Happy Endings' I gave. All that bending over tables, spread eagle in bed, leaned against a wall, bow down on my knees; if there was an impossible position? I did it! I don't care, what they think of me, I care what you think of me and when you think of me, I want you to do alcohol free, or minimum use. That is the only way I can do a desent job of blowing you. Don't disapear again, we're Brothers!!!
I care very much for your well being,
Discusting Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367045 - 07/31/11 03:53 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:38 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367059 - 07/31/11 12:48 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff, it is uneccessary to apologize! I should have NEVER insist you do something you are very uncomfortable doing! I know better! You needed a way to go to therapy without your wife seeing the statements (I get that), I provided you with the VA and I should have just let you deal. NO! I had to press you to a point of breaking! That is not my style and why I would press you like I did is beyond me! I am sorry!
I do want to get you out of your depression though. You have a lot of SHIT on your plate!! It looks like it is all on you, with little help from others. That is a lot of stress! We don't know eachother, but I think I know you and I want to be friends. That is if you will see it in your heart to speak to me again. I value you and your friendship and I promise I will never pull that shit again.
Your story moved me to tears, and I never cry! Once when my brother passed when I was in the service. So to have me in tears is big! My brother and I lived in Foster Homes since I was 4 and he was 3. Both he and I were abused by the same man (Uncle), he was 9 at the time and was getting focked several times before I got focked at 11; then at home we again got raped repeatedly got screwed by an older teen. We wondered if we had some kind of mark on out back. Then I got ripped a new one in a back ally while my friends watched, but could not help me by a man in his earluy 20's. They did stuff some cloth in my ass to stop the bleeding and pulled my clothes up when he was finished with me. He ripped my rectum, and I had to explain that to everyone.? at least he jerked me off while he focked me hard; but I got my pud all over him, then he wiped it on my chest, pulling up my T shirt. Things made us hard, and no one showed us any emotion, so my wife dow not understand why I do not cry; well it is because for me life was hard. I have never shown weakness until the past year. Just like you I have living life in stride and something happened, my past came and bit me in the ass. I relived my abuse, several times a day now. For the last 4 months I have been reading about molestation around the US, Canada and Ireland. I clipped them and file them. I have written a paper about all my molestations from 11 up and I have hit 483 pages. It is extremely graphic but accurate. I did not put myself in a good light. I seem to be somewhat of a $2 whore, sleezy lil boy. reading it back-after i was molested and Uncle got me used to sex in all holes, I seemed to have my legs in the air often, or doing me doggy style with his nuts slapping mine, ringing mine like bells in the tower. Even standing against a chicken house, as he stuffed his dick in me and slamming his balls on my ass. What was I thinking? Like you, I was not all that innocent. I become numb and would blow anything in sight, if it didn't get blown, I backed up on it. Does molestation make one corrupt? Or am I making excuses for acting out.
Like you I have been suffering from depression. I never was depressed in my life! Not even with my Brother's death.
I am getting out of my depression with being on MaleSurvivor and going to the gym. My wife is making me go to the gym with her and now I am used to it. Life is getting better and I want you to feel better about life as well. I do understand, what is great for me, may not be so hot for you! From now on, we tell eachother to back off, if we go into the wrong territory. I wish to keep our dialog going.
Can I call you Brother? Jeff I value you! forgive me.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367135 - 08/01/11 02:01 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:39 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367139 - 08/01/11 02:26 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Hey Don and all

My son's wife just had another reason for me to get a handle on this mess I'm in. That's #11 grandchild and it's a girl. The girls are winning 8 to 3.

Jeff

_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367148 - 08/01/11 07:38 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Congrats Old chap
Well you know what I mean

martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#367154 - 08/01/11 08:30 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:39 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367197 - 08/01/11 10:23 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:39 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367209 - 08/02/11 01:14 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:39 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367210 - 08/02/11 01:55 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367211 - 08/02/11 02:46 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Am I rubbing off on you? You said Apologize 6 times and sorry 6 times also on the 2 threads.
Who apologizes too much? YOU!
Ya! Your drunk! I think you have a problem and am self medicating to cover for not disclosing your secret to your family. I'm just saying; I don't care if you tell them or not, but this is eating you alive. Ya, Buddy, think Liver!!!
I said this before-you served! Don't care if you polished floors. I was the worst Accountant EVER! My recruiter told me that is what he was and I should do the same. I still have no math ability! I do have a degree in Sociology and Psychology. I love doing what I do, but there is no math!!! Statistics doesn't count. I am making up to our Service Members now for the lack of being a real soldier in the Army! I'm not beating myself up for it though. That does not help anything. I go to the VA Hospital and listen; they love that!! They ask me if I served in combat; I tell them no; they go back to talking about their war stories. They accept me as a friend. If I were to have lied and say I was in the war. they would have been on my! I have seen that so often. I do thank them for fighting for me. They appreciate it. I have no problem talking with them, I just give them their cudos. Try it, you'll feel better, and maybe you will have one less drink that day. Hey! I'm just saying!!!
Don't be concerned with the political comments; I don't beleive we should have been in any of those countries either.
Am I driving you to drink?
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367225 - 08/02/11 09:41 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367228 - 08/02/11 11:58 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Thant's what I'm talking about 'lil buddy; do something else to fill those empty times when you drink youself to a point of passing out! Do another activity, a mote positive routine.
Now, on the past flooding in your head after all there years; have you read these posts? We're all having the similar flashbacks. We talk about them, so it does not drive us to drink of do drugs. I deal with my shame, and misuse with a clear head. May not be for everyone, but adding alcohol and/or drugs can be fatal.
That is all I will say about this. I believe I have driven my point across; no need to beat it to death. My wife has never seen me drink or drunk. I am a diferent person, besides I don't need something to make me look more stupid than I already am!!!
ANYWAY Your past is coming back in detail. You feel his hands on you, his mouth. I have that also, it is called 'I'm Horny'; but still it is a problem we all have and interferres with our significant others' love life. Mainly because we are fantasizing about an abuse from a same sex molester. Therapy can help, or not. I struggle with the same, I talk to my wife about it. I have learned not to give too many details, because she remembers everything I say and will analize me on the spot. My thought are no longer private, my SSA is why we haven't made love in 2 weeks. I created a monster! I have too many monsters in my bed right now.
With that said; you mentioned about showers, in the gym,messages, swimming. Many of us have that same trouble in our heads, going directly in our lives. Being molested by men gives us a perverted attraction to men. One would think, it would go the other direction, and I thought it is only me; but I am reading from my brothers here, you and I are not the only one who is attracted to males, still technically are we homosexual, bisexual or more in a grey area SSA & CDA. I am not a PhD but when we're abused by a male after a time we need the thrill of a person of the same sex to bring our orgasm back to what we thought it was when we were 9. I call this the 'Pattie Hearst Sy drone'. That is not fighting our capters, but being drawn toward them. Making love to my wife, our bed gets crowded; my Uncle is having sex with me everytime. What is strange is he died 4 years ago; Ya! He comes to bed with us! I guess I need a bigger bed. You will have that occur for the rest of life; now you just need to manage it, so it does not destroy your love life, then your life. As you, life made me put all of my past in the back of my mind. I do not know why, but 3 months ago I became extremely depressed. Then I was 12 again, getting abused, over and over again. It would not go away as it did in my adult life. This makes me have better sex alone but greatly interferres with my married sex life and it is hard to get me off! When experts say your biggest sex organ is your mind, it true! When I do it myself, I let my wife watch. She knows I am beating off to a man. She also realizes he is dead. I am very dysfunctional; but I try to think of ways to let her in. Eventhough it is in my head, not my dick. I love her, very few understand our relationship, but we car pool and are together more than most couples. I will never be the man, most men are; this I have come to terms. I attribute this to being raped for a period of time by a male. Pyschologists will give more logical reasons, but I have had deep thoughts on this subject, trying to understand myself.
We're all on this bus together, I always was somewhat odd in my circles of friends, work and community. Now, I have a feeling of normalcy in MaleSurvivor. I never thought there were so many men like me!!!
Glad to hear your drinking days are numbered,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367256 - 08/02/11 09:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367266 - 08/02/11 11:24 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Read DarkHeart's Post from when he was in the service. Like us, he was no hero in the Military. He was in the Air Force like you but raped many time by his fellow Airman. He had a difficult time and the Military did nothing for him!
When you go to the VA for therapy, you will see more people like him or me, and less like the combat heroes you are talking. I want to help him as much as I can; I think I can.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367269 - 08/03/11 12:01 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Thanks Don, but there are many of our brothers who need help too. One day at a time...for many, its one breath at a time...

We are all here together, regardless of our individual story...hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder...a brotherhood...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367277 - 08/03/11 12:51 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:40 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367280 - 08/03/11 01:33 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Glad to meet you too Jeff smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367281 - 08/03/11 02:07 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento

Darkheart,
It couldn't been said better! Now, to convince Jeff in going to the VA Mental Health for Therapy. He feels those Veterans are all heros and could not sit next to them,(not deserving). I am explaining, I never set the world on fire while I was in the Army. My Mos was something I never was qualified for, but when I went to Therapy with those heroes, they embraced me and helped me through the process. They were also flawed, and I noticed no egos in the group! Jeff should see how it goes at the VA instead of boycotting it. I used you and I as examples of an average day in the VA Hospital.
Give him some input,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367284 - 08/03/11 03:55 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I can't honestly give any input, as I haven't dealt with VA...but I can say that if I had my honorable discharge, I would...

To me, regardless of length of service, wartime or peacetime, no matter.what your MOS, you become a hero as soon as you sign your name on the dotted line...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367293 - 08/03/11 08:24 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367305 - 08/03/11 01:33 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff, there is no talking to ya! Your wife: I am getting therapy for my drinking problem. That is not a lie - You are drinking to self medicate to drown the sexual experience from you preteens.
Group therapy at the VA. do you live in a large city? I think New York is somewhat big. They put people with like problems together. You will be in a group with guys who have sexual problems, even more those violated as young boys. You will not be in a group with guys overcoming PTSD during combat. That is a totally different issue.
See Darkheart, what I have been dealing with? He will not get out of that mindset.
Having said that Jeff, I have said my piece, I won't pester you on that subject. I realize, the secrecy issues you live with, I did the same. I came out to all my friends, and relatives. my wife new before we were married. I now tell everyone I am a survivor of sexual molestation when I was 12. That is part of my therapy. Peole have turned their backs on me, others embraced me and are supportive. Your secret is secure with me. I'll even be here for you is it blows in your face.
Thank you Darkheart for trying to reason with Jeff. We all have a journey to travel, and can't walk it for him.
We'll still be friends, Jeff,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367330 - 08/03/11 07:46 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Jeff, I know exactly what you mean by facing others. I still remember my first day of nursing school when I stood up and told my entire class my story...the rapes, the prostitution, all of it...

One day, you will be strong enough to do it too. Talk to us on here, let us help you face your demons...practice looking yourself in the eye everyday in the mirror...then tell yourself your story...after some practice, and some work, you will be able to tell your wife too...

I can understand that you aren't strong enough to do group yet, or share your story face to face. But one day, you will be smile

And Jeff, I have to disagree with you too...you found the courage to keep living. You found the strength to come on this site and share your story and express your feelings...to myself and the others here, you ARE A HERO smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367331 - 08/03/11 07:48 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Jeff, I know exactly what you mean by facing others. I still remember my first day of nursing school when I stood up and told my entire class my story...the rapes, the prostitution, all of it...

One day, you will be strong enough to do it too. Talk to us on here, let us help you face your demons...practice looking yourself in the eye everyday in the mirror...then tell yourself your story...after some practice, and some work, you will be able to tell your wife too...

I can understand that you aren't strong enough to do group yet, or share your story face to face. But one day, you will be smile

And Jeff, I have to disagree with you too...you found the courage to keep living. You found the strength to come on this site and share your story and express your feelings...to myself and the others here, you ARE A HERO smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367338 - 08/03/11 08:48 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367359 - 08/03/11 11:12 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
No worry, help is out there when you decide. It is difficult to come out, especially to your family. Again, I'm just giving you some tools that won't cost and is confidential. My volunteering is just my way of giving back, for being a ward of the state for my juvenile age, along with my brother. I am able to do, so I am doing it. I am not magnanimous as it appears. It is a service for Homeless Veterans and I enjoy doing it. I am not a Saint! It is fun! Can you buy that?
I wanted to volunteer with the Foster Children being timed out of their Foster Homes, because they turned 18. But because of being raped repeatly as a kid, I have issues as you, being around kids.
My Uncle has been having with sex with me even now, and he died a few years ago. He is forever in my head. Only a Frontal Labodimy could tear him out of my brain. My wife does not have a clue about that. Like you, there are better things kept to myself. Wives are GREAT but limit the information; they never forget and bring it up again and again.
Agreeing all the time was Driftwood not me. I say you need to do what works for you. Again, I thought if she sees the bills, you can't go. VA does not bill, does not call, you're a Veteran, it was perfect. It is out there, so you have options. Do it/not do it; your choice.
aside from your Surrogate Father, you had abuse with all the John's.
Your helping me! You have had an impact on Driftwood, and Darkheart. Those are only 2 from the top of my pointed head! I enjoy our conversations.
Thank you for being there!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367374 - 08/04/11 01:33 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367377 - 08/04/11 01:53 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Thank you for what you just said, he needs time, it is not easy to tell family who you are, when everyong thinks you are contrary to what they think you are. Not that we are living in a lie, more like we are several personalities, which our immediate family won't understand. It could be so much for his family, that he could risk them not trusting him or perhaps leaving him altogether. He may have to not stick his neck out too much.
I told Ellen (my wife) on out 1st date; I gave her room to run and so many women did before. At the time my philosophy was women were like trains; they'll be another one in 5 minutes,heading North, South, East, and West. Now, I am in love and her support is very important to me. I see him stressing to loose her if he tells her. How does he guage her response to such a news. He has no idea on how she will react.
We need to give him space; could be he never tells. I saw Sugar Ray Leonard on 'The Talk' break down and cry about his abuse by an olympic coach and another man. It was soo raw. He wrote a book on it. Sugar Ray sat there with the audience and I could see he did not want to talk about it. His tears streamed down his face. I felt, what he was feeling. Knowing many people watch and say "Get over it!" while he is crying. Jeff, is anticipating those reactions in his mind.
ME-I am resolved to tell everyone. I did, and Many of my friends won't talk to me anymore, my relatives won't answer my calls. Last month, I was a 'normal' Heterosexual; now I'm a Flaming Fagot! See his dillema?
I do,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367380 - 08/04/11 03:24 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I see exactly where he is at, what you both are saying...no judgement from me...

The only reason my family knows is because I flashed once when mom tried to wake me up. I curled up in a ball "don't hurt me anymore" and wet myself...if not for that, I doubt I would have said anything either...

My partner asked me if I'd ever been with a guy before...that's how/why I told him...I mean how do you tell someone that you have no idea how many men have done you?

It's only within the past 4 years that I have told anyone outside of family...like Jeff, I had to become strong enough...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367397 - 08/04/11 11:47 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Ya Darkheart, you hit it right in the nuts. I would have never told anyone either. A gay co worker told my girl friend I was a freaky fuck. She asked what he meant, and he told her, he screwed me 2 weeks before. Oooops! She was jealous with some women I was friendly with; now she had to worry about men too? She laid down the law for me playing around; no women, no men. She invested in me, and I new I had to control my SSA.
If my gay, one night stand never told her, I would have been here, but living a lie. This put me on notice, and I had to make a choice; women, men, both, or her! No more playing around. It was all a lot of fun, but I decided to be loved and not to be screwed. I know Jeff will read your peice and it will help him. You and I came out, because the seams burst open in both of our lives. He has been able to cover what we could not. Oh! The gay guy I screwed and he told my wife? He and my wife are best friends, he and are friends-I just keep a civil distance, I am not afraid of him; I am afraid for doing it with him. I am a dirty boy, always has been.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367398 - 08/04/11 11:53 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I sure hope it helps...

Yeah...I am still a dirty boy too..finally learning how to maintain platonic with guys...been a hard battle, but I am succeeding!!

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367423 - 08/04/11 08:22 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:41 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367449 - 08/04/11 11:32 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Both Darkheart and Jeff, watch the video from Kinghenri. He did 6 videos so far. He is only 22 but the words of widdom coming out of his mouth is amazing! He hits several points that Darkheart and I have been telling Jeff. He sides with Jeff many on statements, then sides with us. You got to see it! Go to Forum list, the Books, Films forum; click on it.
Jeff, My philosophy is : Deny, deny, deny. Then when cornered Deny again! It doesn't work. On the other hand Jeff, you are correct, and find the right time to do it. It will be the hardest thing you must do. You have a lot to lose. My secret was revealed by a gay friend I banged who told my wife (who was my girlfriend) and rated my performance and size to her. I'm sure she was beside herself when he said it. I denied it, but my cover was blown, I was outed! I worked for me; she didn't run for the hills. She said it made me even hotter knowing.
'Normal'? Darkheart, can you tell Jeff what Normal is? I know you stidied that in Nursing School. Darkheart, you also got outed by your Mom. After that, everything got easier. Jeff, I don't care if you tell or not. It requires a lot of sould searching and balancing what is at stake; I get that. Most every man on the post will tell you to tell; but I'm not so sure.
'Only God Knows Why' Kid Rock.
I too was in full uniform out of a Grayhound in Center City, Philadelphia and I was about to get the shit beat out of me. I knew I was dead! 4 black guys saw me as a perfect target, me without my M16!!! All of a sudden out of no where came a cop on horseback! They ran and I grabbed the horses tail and followed them to the city bus going to Atlantic City. If he had not come at that time, I would have been just like Darkheart being butt bumped on one end, sucking with my Mick Jagger Lips and giving the other 2 hand jobs. I wonder if I could ask one of them to blow me, since I was doing so much for them? I dodged a big one there! I know what you mean about wearing a uniform. Thank you Cop on a Horse!!!

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367450 - 08/04/11 11:35 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Darkheart,
You and I are exactly the same. I went for a woman and you for a man. It could have gone the other way easily!!! SSA

Dirty Boys forever(you and I),
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367465 - 08/05/11 12:36 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Jeff...I understand what you're saying regarding the military...my dad was in the army during Vietnam...I have heard how he was treated here at home...

What do I get out of telling everyone my story? I get to look people in the eye and say "yes, men do get raped." It's a lot harder for people to deny the truth when you look them in, the eyes and give them the sordid details...then, I get to ask "what if it's was your son or brother?" It's all about taking back the power and educating people...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367467 - 08/05/11 01:07 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:42 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367640 - 08/07/11 08:57 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:42 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367652 - 08/08/11 12:33 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
That is fine, transferring the PM to this post. Please, all the MS and their significant others, ring in on LAPCHINJ's insistance in not telling his family and his wife about his molestaion, secret life as a kid, and his military career! Tell him he is correct, his wife and family do not possess the right to know he is a victim of CSA, and all the bad decisions he made as a kid, along with his stent in the Service. These are things a wife should not know.
Still I ask why don't you tell her you were in the Service? There is nothing you should be ashamed about. You got an Honorable Discharge. We have had conversations about this for a while. I do understand why you do not wish to reveal your CSA with her or your family; you do have a lot to lose. The fact you have never gave her any clue of your CSA, all your indiscretions. I would be beside myself, for you putting your family in a 'Need to know Basis'. You have maintained asthetic distance from them. When they do discover who you are, they may be irate! Coming clean would be less, dangerous.

Hope MS will weigh in on it you should say something to your gamily or keep her in the dark.

Peace,
Dirty Boy Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367666 - 08/08/11 01:59 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Jeff...

I think in time your family should know what happened. Not all the details, but enough to piece together why you are the way you are.

From what I see, your wife will love you even deeper after telling her...it's a way of showing her you trust her, and asking her to trust you...the real you...she sounds like a real angel, with pure love in her heart...maybe you need some of that motherly love to help you heal?

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

Top
#367689 - 08/08/11 09:47 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Darkheart]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:42 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367691 - 08/08/11 10:23 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Jeff,
Thank you for offering to keep us posted. As I'm sure you know, there are many of us watching your story unfold. I've been privately rooting for you from my own corner for some time now (and publicly a bit on this thread). I probably speak for others as well in saying we have a vested interest at this point in what happens to you. And, of course, your well-being depends in part on disclosure. ("As anyone with a secret can tell you, unburdening yourself is the only alternative to wretchedness," as someone said somewhere.)

You've become our brother. You matter to us. You matter to me, evidenced by the fact that I carry thoughts of you and your story with me. The summer of 2011 is becoming characterized for me in part by your story. That Jeff guy on MaleSurvivors who was abused as a child and blames himself... A story, that you can see needs a different ending.
Driftwood


Top
#367699 - 08/08/11 12:00 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
BRAVO Driftwood!!!!

You are sooo eliquent! My discusions with Jeff have been frustrating and he thought you would be a more effective sounding board.
He's right!
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367732 - 08/08/11 10:23 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:43 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367752 - 08/09/11 01:40 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
EXCELLENT! Jeff you are so eliquent!

I am begging you to rethink this decision. You may be sleeping on my couch. Thread called 'Anti-Disclosure Reality', read it! I tell you it changes all of the perspectives you bowing in the guillotine! You will tell her about your past; it will be like saying "Let them eat cake!"

Think! Then think again!

Read that thread! Come back to me on that. OK?

Friend,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367753 - 08/09/11 02:05 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:43 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367770 - 08/09/11 10:56 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
“What right do I have to take her memories away also?”
Why does this statement bother me so?

The better question, as I see it, is what right do you have to continue withholding the truth from her? The “memories” you’re talking about are based on false assumptions. It’s understandable that you fear her reaction, but I think it’s unfair to her for you to continue to “protect” her from the truth (which is really you protecting her from you, which is you continuing to hide, which is you continuing to be absent at least to some small degree from the center of your life together).

I wouldn’t be surprised if she hasn’t she already sensed that missing thing in your life together, that part of you that’s so central to who you are, and who you've hidden from her.

Relationships are for both people involved. By not telling her, you’re denying her the honor of being tested and being allowed to become a better person because of the test. When two people come together, they have the opportunity to grow by learning from one another. You’ve known your wife a long time now. I imagine you’ve been tested at least occasionally, had to confront difficult things about yourself and had to make adjustments and learned what it requires, as a man, to take another person’s needs and desires into account. I’m guessing you’ve become a better person by persisting in that relationship with your wife. Now it’s your turn to let her have the benefit of becoming a better person by being tested with the truth you need to tell her. It’s not just for you, your relationship. It’s for her, too. She’s thrown her lot in with you. She deserves the honor of being entrusted with the truth, no matter how difficult that truth may be for her, at least initially, to absorb.

Well, it's either all pretty words, Jeff, what I'm saying, or it's the truth. Others on this site will counsel you differently. You need to look long and hard at everything and decide for yourself.


Top
#367780 - 08/09/11 01:46 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You have wisdom far beyond your years! I have admired you since I started on MS. What is your background?

I was going to ask you "What if she rejects him, and wants nothing to do with him? She may feel he is a stranger. Tells him to leave."

I have backed off, fearing the truth can be fatal. 1st: She ends their 35 year marriage, 2nd I write to him late into the night almost every night. I see the graduation of intoxication of alcohol as the night goes by. There is alcohol poisoning or suicide while he under the influence.
I could not live with myself; for the fact that I was right!
Both Darkheart and I have been outed; having someone else tell our significant other knowledge of our past, without us telling them. Both of us admitting our discusting past; bothDdarkheart and I gave horrible graphic details! All 4 of us are caught up and are living average lives. Darkheart and I had deep secrets, but they were not so many years ago. If Darkheart and I would have never been outed; we would be just like Jeff today! Jeff has let 2 generations pass; she may think their marriage was a complete lie!
I believe he needs to weigh, telling, their marriage, children, financial. I would never try to tackle his situation.

I do see you have a better concept of human behavior than a lot of people on this site. I know Jeff is heading your advice. Man is a brilliant object! Shakespeare said: "What a peice of work is Man; how noble in reason; infinite in faculty. Yes, what a piece of work is Man; OH, but what a blunder!"
Wait, did he say that?

Please help with your guidance,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367781 - 08/09/11 01:49 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:43 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367783 - 08/09/11 02:24 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:43 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367820 - 08/10/11 03:26 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff,
Then all this talk about alcohol is not true. I'm so glad! I took you literally. I have seen what it does to friends and my relatives.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367822 - 08/10/11 03:46 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:44 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367831 - 08/10/11 10:19 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
“You have no idea what it feels like to be out of that box even for a day.”

I get what you’re saying. People who’ve not lived boxed in by lies are incapable of understanding what freedom feels like for those who finally emerge. You’re presuming, though, if you think I’m unfamiliar with that experience. I know firsthand the consequences of lying--consequences that get compounded exponentially when it’s those we love we’re hiding from. There are reasons for adages about truth and lies. All those pithy sayings from religion and from ethics, from literature and philosophy, from Plato through Shakespeare and down to the present, exist to warn us of something very real. The human brain (the most complex thing known in the universe) is made to store the truth. Start storing lies up there and more goes wrong than (I believe) anyone has yet to document. There’s always, always, always, a heavy price to pay for lying. An accounting comes due in the form of debits to your character, and debits to your spirit. What you end up with is a kind of moral loneliness. You’re alone with yourself, and when you lie, it’s impossible to like yourself very much. You start shrinking inside. Your balls may be the same size on the outside, but you become less of a man where it counts.

As anyone with a secret can tell you, unburdening yourself is the only alternative to wretchedness.

What you’ve had a taste of, Jeff, what you call being “out of that box” is a healing of the damage you’ve sustained in your soul by living a lie. I think it’s much deeper and more profound than you realize. I hope you get a chance to go all the way with it and recover completely.


Top
#367855 - 08/10/11 01:44 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff,
Don't fall back in the bottle. I see you as a valuable person; I care what you do.
Listen to Driftwood; you could straighten out your sorted life. I think things have gotten so complicated, you are cracking under the weight of the stress.
You maintain an asthetic distance from you wife and family. Somehow, you need to gat close to them again.
Driftwood = is there anyway he could slowly get things back to what he should be doing? What you are saying makes much more sense than I could ever describe; he can't drop a bomb of this size on her. Can he tell her in steps? A slow transition if possible.
I fear we are driving him to drink!

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367873 - 08/10/11 05:31 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Okay, Don, I’ll chime back in here, though I’m packing for a trip (will be gone for the next few weeks), and I’m not sure how healthy it is, this odd three-way we seem to be having (without benefits, I might add). Oh maybe it’s not that bad. You’re like the brother with an arm around Jeff’s shoulder. Which perhaps he needs, because, at this point, I just want to take him by the shoulders and shake him. To be frank, I’d like to slug him. If we were real brothers, perhaps I would. For example, above he says of his wife, “...she thinks that she married a normal, regular, all american guy like any other normal guy you see on the street. Instead she got some f**k’n 13 year old hustler wasted away on wine, glue and weed.” Is he drunk, writing this crap? Do you know how many things are wrong with this series of loony statements? A 13 year-old hustler? How dare he characterize that neglected hurting boy that way, the same boy we saw earlier crying on a street corner, that same precious innocent youth so desperate for attention and nurture that he allowed himself to be abused, pimped, prostituted. It’s damn disrespectful of you, Jeff, to dismiss him so nonchalantly, and you know it. It brings tears to my eyes, the way you talk about that poor boy, as if he were some wasted depraved being. Wine? Glue? Weed? How else was he supposed to get through it? It is so god-damned disrespectful of you it makes every spiritual fiber of my being hurt. But you don’t even stop there, you go on to disrespect your wife. What is she a toy? Is she made of glass? I don’t believe she’s so fragile, so petty, that she’s going to fall apart when she hears the truth. The truth isn’t some bomb (like you have another wife and family hidden away some where). The truth is you were abused as a child. That’s the truth. You were abused as a child. You hid it from her because you were confused about your complicity in the whole mess. You were ashamed because you thought (and evidently still think) you bear more responsibility than you do. You were thirteen, for God’s sake! Is it so bad that you wanted to hide that from her? To think she wouldn’t be understanding, after thirty-five (?) years of marriage to you, six (?) kids, so many grandchildren, when she’s watched you year after year grow into the person you are now, evidently a hard working, generous man, who’s gone out of his way to take care of not only his adult kids but his own aging parents (the same people who neglected him, no less)... Furthermore, telling her the truth now is not something selfish you’d be doing for you. Your brain is so muddled, you’re thinking ass-backwards. It’s selfish of you not to tell her. Don’t you know that inside? That she deserves to know the truth about you? I really do want to shake you Jeff. You tell me stuff that makes me begin to love you like a brother. I want you as my brother. Get yourself together. I have to finish packing.


Top
#367876 - 08/10/11 07:20 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:44 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367878 - 08/10/11 07:33 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:44 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367879 - 08/10/11 08:07 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Driftwood]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:45 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367882 - 08/10/11 08:56 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Thanx for the update Jeff. I knew there were much more wise than I. Driftwood is superior by far than I ever would be. If it were up to me, I would make you more to Japan and start all over. Now how stupid am I? I can just thank GOD I don't make airplanes!!!

Have a Great Trip, Driftwood.

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367891 - 08/10/11 10:27 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pbert53]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
I am a wife. My husband told me he was abused 4 years ago. That was all he said. Three months ago he told me how old he was, how old the perp was, how long the abuse lasted. Two months ago he told me some of what the abuse entailed. A month ago he told me a little bit more. I can honestly say nothing about the abuse has diminished him one iota in my eyes. His seeking help has increased my respect for him as a person. What he shared w me is the tip of his iceberg and it's horrible for memo contemplate that for any child, and for it to be the child that would be one the man I love? The wall is not down but it is crumbling. So much of what he does/did makes sense now. I never needed him to be perfect for my love but he pretended anyway. I pray he really "sees" that I'm not running out on him because he was "damaged". Lapchinj, whether or not what you experienced is "abuse" in your eyes will not matter to a mother as loving as how you describe your wife. Moms know kids. Most moms know that 13, no matter how "mature" he may appear in one context or another, is not capable of making wise decisions concerning their sexuality, particularly what you have described here. I cannot speak for your wife but the most profound grief I feel from the CSA disclosure is that my husband walked around for 30 years with guilt and shame. For 12 of those years, I was right here And he bore that alone. It makes me cry. I felt light during our entire time together because I unburdened myself, yet he didn't feel free to do the same. How much sooner could we have begun the journey toward healing? How much pain from his acting out could we have avoided? You aren't close to your wife. You think you are bu she doesn't know about a core piece of how you came to be who you are today. The intimacy that comes from this shared grief of a robbed childhood is so very precious. Mine is a tender shoot of grass poking through a big ole pile of sh*t and I cherish it. It's real and in a dozen years so much wasnt be quad he wouldn't let me in. You don't have to share details. I have very few. I want my husband to share what he wants about the abuse when he is ready. It isn't all or nothing in this journey. Sharing w your wife doesn't have to mean sharing w your kids. Wife can know more than kids but not hugging your kids, trust me, they know something is amiss even if they don't know what "it" is. It might be A relief to know thei reason. Youour timing is your own but please consider a view from the other side. Ive read and posted on the "don't disclose" threAd, so I can see why you're afraid but you can't even pursue help without employing more deception. Deception is death to a relationship. Death. Driftwood's de>
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

Top
#367901 - 08/11/11 01:03 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: GoodHope]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:45 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367905 - 08/11/11 01:28 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:45 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367906 - 08/11/11 02:19 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Jeff/Eldee
This is an interruption: I am now watching Primetime Night Line.
Corey Feldman was just on the show, stating Perbs in Hollywood are all over in the motion picture business. He said his buddy Corey who died a year ago was molested, he also was molested. All was swept under the rug, He told Night Line the casting couch in Hollywood is thriving and the kids are the casualty. He has made some serious accusations! It has been there and is still there now. Boys in the show business are and have been targeted for years and have been abused sexually.

Sorry Jeff, I was watching this and thought our Brothers need to know.
'Not right now? . . . have to clear up my mind so I can think straight.'
That's easy; cut down on the sause. I think all of your covering up is affecting you and eating you alive. Come to terms and you will stop self medicating.

I care about you, but frustrated with not facing your problems head on, which will reduce the alcohol abuse.
I need to hand you some tough love.
You're a good man; your intensions are misguided.
"Don't hate me 'cause I'm bad; I'm just drawn that way!"
Jessica Rabbit

Sorry Eldee

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367910 - 08/11/11 03:15 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Eldee,

Thanking you very much for chiming in to Jeff's'lil secret! You are giving him a dimension we men are unable to do. This is valuable.
My wife has known about my CSA since before we were married, which is 30 years last week. But lately things have flooded my mind and I am suffering depression. I now have gone crazy and have told all my old friends, new friends, and all my relatives. I have started to tell so many people, My Wife just hides her head. She knows if they ask a specific question, I will tell them in detail! I am freeing myself from all this shame. Well, I am losing all my friends and relatives, but my mental health is improving. Driftwood is extremely eliquent like you said; so I have backed away, so we are not picking on him. I have gone on his drinking as you read the threads. You said something to that effect also.
Jeff, I love you, and we are Brothers for ever. Just pull your stuff together, throw that shame in your surrogate father's face. Fathers don't have you blow them, or have you blow other men. Love does not happen in those situations; if they did, we would have a juice flowing down out chins.
I like you mistook a man, thinking if I do him, he will love me. I needed so much attention, and was willing to do anything to get it. Jeff there is a name for that: we are called whores. Because men had us do it, we are molested and not considered in anyway whores. Discovering this site, I found other people as myself; not the whore once thought to be.
Eldee, to get it clear - I am not drunk or drinking; I am not high; I have been clean and sober for years. That is the only way I can function, due to how dumb I am.
Eldee, you are a breath of freshair, and just what jeff needs.

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367965 - 08/12/11 12:38 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:46 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#367968 - 08/12/11 01:09 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:46 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#368264 - 08/16/11 07:35 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:46 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#368314 - 08/17/11 06:42 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 142
Loc: England (at the moment)
Jeff,
thanks,
I'm so needing this. I was not in prostitution for long but it's effect has hounded me through to today. This year is the first time I have talked about it.

CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

Top
#368322 - 08/17/11 09:45 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: CheerfulJohn]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:47 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#368327 - 08/17/11 10:40 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 142
Loc: England (at the moment)
Hi Jeff,

There will be photos out there of me, none I hope on the internet.
My pimp was a dutch businessman running a modelling agency.
I can't remember how I started or how long I was with him(maybe only a year), I had already been doing it for free anyway since the age of 11 or so. It's a blur.
Because it was all done in a 'hidden' kind of way he just relied on me wanting the money and i never got hit. Anyway another man had arranged for me to be given to a very rich man and i went "up" in the world. This man was preparing me to be his for life (not sure how long that would have been????) which would have been 'good' if I wasn't addicted to risk, escapism, thrill, trouble etc. He wanted someone subtle, who would behave in public.

wrote this today about the agency era;

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=368312#Post368312


I set my own sell-by-date at 20, my expiry-date for selling myself,but something intervened just before.

I'm still stuck, needing to talk about it all, though I would love to be over it. For some strange reason one form of self harming has come back for the last 12 months after a 27 year gap and I can't get past it. Other self harm stopped about 5 years ago.

Sounds like you were deeper into the business.

Thanks again,
be well
CJ

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

Top
#368366 - 08/17/11 11:13 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: CheerfulJohn]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:47 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#369734 - 09/08/11 12:44 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
I just thought that I would update this thread a little just to document where I'm holding in my life and search for piece of mind. I would have hoped to have been able to say that I've been able to fix some of my problems but so far nothing to say. I've had a bunch of help being here and meeting a lot of people serious on helping one another.

My drinking has not abated as of yet. I thought I could knock it out by getting back into some exersise but I found a way to run at least 4 miles a day and still drink. I used to be able to do 8 miles without drinking. OK I'm still working on it.

My biggest issue is still not being able to call my surrogate father an abuser even though he was my pimp. I needed someone to replace my birth father and I found that guy but he was my pimp. He was also my love and the one person who got me out of a lot of messes while my parents were off on a world tour for 3 months or just in Florida for the winter. I still have a problem calling him an abuser. All I've got was flame attacks for saying that but that's the way I feel and I wasn't such an innocent kid. As a matter of fact I was a shitty little kid. I know the pimping was wrong but I still think that I had a part in that where I was a willing participant. Let's put it this way, If I had to testify against him I would lie under oath. In terms of him I've regressed a little but others that did me I finally admitted that they abused me. All the guys I was sent to sleep with abused me. I have only the problem with the guy that replaced my father.

I've remembered a lot of detail lately. I don't know it that's good or not. I've had a big problem with being triggered lately.

I think that I've identified my genie in the bottle and it's most probably my past me, the shitty little kid. I don't know why or what he wants from me but I do get rid of him with a little drink.

Jeff

_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#369750 - 09/08/11 08:34 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
I too had great love for my abuser as he was my first love being only a few years older I thought he was my bf. I have discovered I was not a fault I was an innocent child I was not bad and no one had a right to do those things to me no matter what. I now hate him for taking my innocence and my youth from me this is a big step. The biggest step is forgiving your child self of any wrong doing, once you are betrayed you will act out but that does not make you at fault of a bad kid. He abused you more than all the others by pimping you out, you need to forgive that child you were who just wanted love and affection. It is hard to do that at times, so take it one step at a time and heal at your own pace.

_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

Top
#369756 - 09/08/11 11:47 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: F.A.]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Mr. Lapchinj,

You are an innocent boy! You had absent Parents, a Perp for a replacement Father; so you did what you did only to survive. Also, as youngster, you are not equiped with the knowledge to always do the right thing; that is why we have parents and guardians. Forgive yourself to be able to move on and tell you beautiful wife of the abuse you endured as a child (CSA). This is the fair thing to do for your marriage, and the right thing to do for your mental health.
That is all I'm gonna say

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#369786 - 09/08/11 08:09 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Lo Don]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
LoDon

You are right. It was not Jeff's fault.

Allen


Top
#369793 - 09/08/11 09:35 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pufferfish]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:48 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#369802 - 09/09/11 12:11 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj


when I was in trouble with my mother that I would run into the bathroom and lock the door. By the time my mother would stop screaming at me and go get the key to unlock the bathroom door I had already slide down the laundry chute to the basement and out the window. There are a few others but I'm especially proud of my great escapes. The problem was that I was eventually caught and punishment met out, although I don't remember that part.

smile
Jeff,

I think you are a great writer. This part about the laundry chute is as funny as anything Mark Twain wrote.

I know that most of what you are saying is not funny. Maybe you could write a book or make a movie of your experiences. Anonymous of course.

Allen


Top
#369853 - 09/09/11 07:16 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pufferfish]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:48 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#370546 - 09/19/11 11:57 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:48 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#371499 - 10/02/11 10:34 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:49 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#371506 - 10/02/11 01:59 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Driftwood Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Jeff

My heart is full for you and your wife.
I'll be thinking of you in the days to come.


Top
#371524 - 10/02/11 05:45 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: GoodHope]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Jeff,

I am proud of you for gathering local support in your disclosure, well done survivor. Keep sharing, keep thinking on how to benefit your wonderful self, knowing that each brightened part of you makes the world around you lighter.
Keep recovering.

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#371578 - 10/03/11 05:21 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: SamV]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Wow old man Wow

I cant tell you how I feel at this point. It is almost as though my child has gotten 100% for an exam. Pride, unashamed Pride.

Well done, I am so happy for you. Welcome to another step in recovery. Your story is what for me makes it worth while sitting here night after night reading and chatting.
You sir are inspiration to many many people here.
I look forward to your next post, and cherish the truth that you have exuded on the site to other members.

WHAT HAS BEEN MOST IMPRESSIVE, is the honesty that you have now afforded your partner of so many years.

I know that this story will have a fairytale ending, that your beloved wife will stand by you and support you through this healing. Your story sir has truly, truly touched me.

GOD BLESS, and keep us posted.

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#371592 - 10/03/11 09:40 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:49 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#371606 - 10/03/11 10:36 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 265
Loc: Undisclosed
Jeff, your actions are incredibly courageous. I am amazed. Look at you now!

Just wanted to say that I admire the steps you have taken and I understand how terrified you felt to step off the ledge and tell your wife your experiences.

Keep putting one foot forward in front of the other.


Top
#371609 - 10/03/11 11:04 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:49 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#371610 - 10/03/11 11:13 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: SamV]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:49 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#371655 - 10/04/11 02:50 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
happybuddha1 Offline


Registered: 05/19/09
Posts: 85
Loc: Michigan
Thank you so much for your post......I am in a similar position but scared shitless to tell my wife....having that sense of being unloved from the CSA, my brain tells me that she would leave in a heartbeat. I am sure that I am wrong, but I cannot do it.....fear has been a big part of my life, both from CSA and an alchoholic father....baby steps, huh?

You give me inspiration....thank you for that!

_________________________
A scared little boy who is trying to heal and feel again..

Top
#371663 - 10/04/11 04:26 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: happybuddha1]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
When I told my father about being raped . The reaction was shock , then tears . I had neaver seen my father cry up to that point in my life . Seeing him cry caused me a lot of pain. because i had hurt him .

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#371676 - 10/04/11 08:38 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: happybuddha1]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:50 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#371718 - 10/05/11 08:47 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
I was also abused over 40 years ago. I just started therapy about 2 months ago and my doctor wanted me to tell somebody but when I said no, she was very understanding and told me that I would do that when the time was right for me.

I was too embarrased and ashamed to tell them face-to-face as well, especially having cosciously known for over 25 years. What I had to do to be able to tell the siblings that I told was send an E-mail to them. I got replies from both of them within hours. They have proved to be very suportive of me and also agreed with my decision not to tell anybody else.

Before telling them, the hardest thing I everdid was tell my doctor what had happened. The therapy will not be easy, but once you tell about what happened, it will be like you just took a 10 ton weight off your shoulders.

Good luck with everything.


Top
#371767 - 10/05/11 11:11 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Sailor John]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:50 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#387130 - 02/24/12 08:12 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Jeff,

I can identify with how you feel. After I told my wife of 25 years, I felt dirty and immature...child like almost.

It wasn't until I started talking to a therapist, did I feel like a weight had been lifted off of me.

Dan


Top
#387297 - 02/26/12 12:09 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: DanM]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:50 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#387314 - 02/26/12 05:39 AM . [Re: lapchinj]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:28 PM)

Top
#387358 - 02/26/12 10:43 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1197
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 04:50 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#453775 - 11/15/13 12:35 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 284
40 years seems to be the magic number. it took forty years for me also.

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

Top
#453858 - 11/15/13 08:13 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
Took me 47 years of searching to find this site and the brave survivors who have come forward from the silence into the light.

Top
#453859 - 11/15/13 08:14 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
sentry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 58
Loc: Canada
I am not alone. We are not alone.

Top
Page 1 of 17 1 2 3 ... 16 17 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.