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#364774 - 06/23/11 01:25 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: pbert53]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lapchinj

Pbert has put it well, and again It is a fact that victims will start blaming themselves, I could have, I should have, truth is that you couldn't, for reason yet still unknown. It is only when we face what happened to us that we can begin to heal. Sit the wife down and tell her that you were abused as a child, and that you are finding it hard to talk about it. Stress that you would like to join a support group or see a therapist. Then you can reveal the details as they come up.

You have been married to this lovely lady for a long time. She knows that you are not a monster or a pervert,TRUST that love. Her love for you will help to heal the past.

Heal well

Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#364783 - 06/23/11 08:42 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#364785 - 06/23/11 08:59 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#364788 - 06/23/11 09:52 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
lapchinj,

Welcome, fellow survivor.

Your experience was traumatic, thank you for sharing with us. In your expressions, you are reaching out in hope for healing. This is cathartic and beneficial.

We are here to support you in anyway, and truly wish to see you through to a stable place in your life.

A suggestion, if I may? A phrase; age appropriate behavior. As you were a child, those around you, indeed those around your friends as well, were negligent in caring for you. They were responsible for your maturity, safety and security. They failed you. You, you are a survivor.

In "remodeling" ourselves, we have twice the work. One, we need to unlearn the abuse, then two, we need to "parent" our inner child to mature. Through acquitting ourselves of their felonious activities and neglect, and self affirmation, we can find true peace and safety.

There are wonderful research, Ken Singer's "Evicting the Perpetrator", Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer", as well as a great work here in MS concerning disclosure and confrontation.

In disclosing, please consider the emotional and mental capabilities of those you would tell, lapchinj. People who are your strongest supporters can change when they find the scope of damage that has been perpetrated against us. Choose your confidants carefully.

Please trust the process so many here have gone through to recover the people we want to be in our lives.


Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#364793 - 06/23/11 11:42 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: SamV]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi there lapchinj me again

CSA is childhood sexual abuse, just in case you asked. I know we get lazy and cant type out the whole phrase.

You said that you need convincing that you were abused,and that you arent sure if you were a willing participant. Well lets see if we can use your own words here.

"But I am freaked out with the way it looks."....Why? to most grandparents, it is normal to frolic with their grand daughters.

"I was the only grown up in the room".... So were you planing something strange, or are you to old to look after them yourself?

"I would call that a very normal thing to do in a very normal family setting. The one problem with that scene is that I'm not a very normal family setting.".....Well this ones self explanatory.

"If someone had touched me or started talking to me and they were strangers I knew this was the first stage in being picked up and I knew what was to follow."......You see this just ISN'T normal behavior. You talk like you are intending to, or are afraid of, doing to one of these children, what was done to you.

"I walked into the pool area and told my oldest that I had a very bad headache and sat in the car for 3 hours. So much for appearances."......I'm sure that you had fun here, instead of playing with your children in the pool?

I could carry on here, but I think you will see that these are not "Normal" actions for normal Fathers and Grandfathers.

I definitely don't think that the issue should be rushed, the fact that you are here means that you are willing to get help.

I am not sure where you are city wise but, Im sure that there are resources at your disposal. I can understand that you don't have the resources, financially, but there are free options available in the states. Ms groups in New York?. I know that you have free clinics available, and these do do therapy.

You say that it is going to be difficult to tell your wife. IT IS, but more often than not it is because we have already "made up" the answers. In reality when we do tell, we look back and say "well I don't know why I was so worried" It seldom works out the way we thought it would.

I want to leave you with one thought, well two, I hope you are not hitting the bottle to much? Thats the first.

Two, I know that you are worried about the all American boy your wife married, and your image, and the fact that you might be seen lesser in her eyes, BUT and here's the big but, Don't you think that your wife, of how many years? 35 40 years? knows exactly who you are now, not whom she married, but who you turned out to be. The man of character that stands before her now. Do you really think that she would love that man any less? Or would she be the one to say, HOW CAN I HELP YOU LOVE. I think the latter would be the case

Remember you are a great person, loving, kind, attentive, and definitely a stayer. All you need to do now, is realize it.

I hardly know you but you already hold a special place in my heart, now YOU need to learn to love YOURSELF. It is possible, you can.

Heal well Brother
GOD SPEED
Martin




Edited by whome (06/23/11 11:48 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#364797 - 06/23/11 01:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@lap
I am the wife of a survivor and he is in the denial phase. I wish he would tell me something. Not all of it, unless he wants. I know so little right now that I can only assume the worst.

I am a firm believer that "THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE".
Unless your wife is shallow (which I'm sure she isn't), she will carry the burden with you and help with your healing.

I know I hope my husband is able to trust me enough one day.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364821 - 06/23/11 11:22 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
#365201 - 06/30/11 07:05 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hello Lapchinj,

FYI: I'm a 50 y.o. single female with a survivor friend.

So glad to read you have a close friend you confide in, and are telling more and more of your story. How comforting and what a great stride forward!

On the topic of guilt due to your co-operation, I'm still always shocked when a man wears guilt because of his get-along go-along actions as a child. Thinking of your case in particular, when you write:

My parents were oblivious to the entire 8-9 years. Interested in their own activities their own agendas. My mother lived in Florida for the winters starting when I was 14. My father went down for the weekends. So I didn't see him from Wednesday night until Monday night. He went to the airport straight from work on Thursdays. I have no siblings so all I had was tons of TV dinners a bunch of TVs a big house and my best friend and of course his sister.

Your parents grossly neglected you. They were supposed to be TEACHING YOU HOW TO LIVE, and instead, they left you to be raised by whatever chance threw your way. Well, chance threw wolves your way, and you adapted. Too bad the statute of limitations has run on your parents' criminal neglect & abandonment of you. This would have been one of those stories we hear every once in a while that shocks everyone: "Mother and Father leave Child Alone in Apartment While They Gamble in Atlantic Casino; Film at 11."

Your fault? You went along? That's what children do. They're inexperienced, they're impressionable. If it were me, I would quit judging myself during that time as though I was at that time actually a 40-year-old man, who had been raised attentively and properly by his parents until he was 22 years old, and all of the sudden - for NO reason! -- I started doing drugs, ridiculous amounts of alchohol, and volunteering to being pimped out for sex. But you weren't 40, you weren't raised right, you were a child who was never taught the right way to live. Parents teach us, and you were never taught. Later, you taught yourself. Well done, sir.

Parents and a good upbringing are important. This is why you were so determined to give your own children a good upbringing. You know all this, just connect the dots.

By the way, I tip my hat to you for raising so many wonderful children. What a GREAT accomplishment!

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#365253 - 07/01/11 12:36 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Disappointed]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

Well, we start dealing with this CSA stuff at any age, for me it was buried (sort of) for 60 years. My stuff came out when I was 69 1/2 years old. I've been dealing with this for a short 3 years.

First, it was my "mom" & then a friend of the family, whom I made an emotional, physical, mental & sexual connection to.

Like you, for me it all came to an end when on my 17Th birthday, i left for Air Force basic training.

Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & (friends in pain).

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You already know about that.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, Lapchinj, heal well. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#365257 - 07/01/11 01:56 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

Top
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