Hi Jeff,

There will be photos out there of me, none I hope on the internet.
My pimp was a dutch businessman running a modelling agency.
I can't remember how I started or how long I was with him(maybe only a year), I had already been doing it for free anyway since the age of 11 or so. It's a blur.
Because it was all done in a 'hidden' kind of way he just relied on me wanting the money and i never got hit. Anyway another man had arranged for me to be given to a very rich man and i went "up" in the world. This man was preparing me to be his for life (not sure how long that would have been????) which would have been 'good' if I wasn't addicted to risk, escapism, thrill, trouble etc. He wanted someone subtle, who would behave in public.

wrote this today about the agency era;

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=368312#Post368312


I set my own sell-by-date at 20, my expiry-date for selling myself,but something intervened just before.

I'm still stuck, needing to talk about it all, though I would love to be over it. For some strange reason one form of self harming has come back for the last 12 months after a 27 year gap and I can't get past it. Other self harm stopped about 5 years ago.

Sounds like you were deeper into the business.

Thanks again,
be well
CJ

I just thought that I would update this thread a little just to document where I'm holding in my life and search for piece of mind. I would have hoped to have been able to say that I've been able to fix some of my problems but so far nothing to say. I've had a bunch of help being here and meeting a lot of people serious on helping one another.

My drinking has not abated as of yet. I thought I could knock it out by getting back into some exersise but I found a way to run at least 4 miles a day and still drink. I used to be able to do 8 miles without drinking. OK I'm still working on it.

My biggest issue is still not being able to call my surrogate father an abuser even though he was my pimp. I needed someone to replace my birth father and I found that guy but he was my pimp. He was also my love and the one person who got me out of a lot of messes while my parents were off on a world tour for 3 months or just in Florida for the winter. I still have a problem calling him an abuser. All I've got was flame attacks for saying that but that's the way I feel and I wasn't such an innocent kid. As a matter of fact I was a shitty little kid. I know the pimping was wrong but I still think that I had a part in that where I was a willing participant. Let's put it this way, If I had to testify against him I would lie under oath. In terms of him I've regressed a little but others that did me I finally admitted that they abused me. All the guys I was sent to sleep with abused me. I have only the problem with the guy that replaced my father.

I've remembered a lot of detail lately. I don't know it that's good or not. I've had a big problem with being triggered lately.

I think that I've identified my genie in the bottle and it's most probably my past me, the shitty little kid. I don't know why or what he wants from me but I do get rid of him with a little drink.

Jeff

I too had great love for my abuser as he was my first love being only a few years older I thought he was my bf. I have discovered I was not a fault I was an innocent child I was not bad and no one had a right to do those things to me no matter what. I now hate him for taking my innocence and my youth from me this is a big step. The biggest step is forgiving your child self of any wrong doing, once you are betrayed you will act out but that does not make you at fault of a bad kid. He abused you more than all the others by pimping you out, you need to forgive that child you were who just wanted love and affection. It is hard to do that at times, so take it one step at a time and heal at your own pace.

Mr. Lapchinj,

You are an innocent boy! You had absent Parents, a Perp for a replacement Father; so you did what you did only to survive. Also, as youngster, you are not equiped with the knowledge to always do the right thing; that is why we have parents and guardians. Forgive yourself to be able to move on and tell you beautiful wife of the abuse you endured as a child (CSA). This is the fair thing to do for your marriage, and the right thing to do for your mental health.
That is all I'm gonna say

LoDon

You are right. It was not Jeff's fault.

Allen

Jeff,

I think you are a great writer. This part about the laundry chute is as funny as anything Mark Twain wrote.

I know that most of what you are saying is not funny. Maybe you could write a book or make a movie of your experiences. Anonymous of course.

Allen