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#364388 - 06/17/11 10:24 AM Please help! I don't want to give up on him!
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Hello all,
I have been reading your posts for quite some time and this is the first time I have posted. I am married to a survivor of CSA as a teenager by men. When I write that, I know that there is just so much more that went on with him as a child but he will never tell as I am pretty sure it was so horrendous he will never be able to tell. I am learning to accept that I will never know though it is very difficult because of alll the pain I have been through, I feel like I deserve answers. Our problems are many. Alcoholism, Sex Addiction with men and prostitutes and sexual dysfunction (with me, that is). That I believe is an intimacy disorder, not about me. I am so frustrated because I feel like I wwalk around in the dark. I have no idea why he avoids me emotionally and sexually now. He, of course, says it is't me but then he can't tell me what it is. I feel so hopeless. There is a huge elephant in the room. Let me tell you, I have a fabulous support system. I am strong. I can walk through anything except for being in the dark. Is it time to throw in the towel? Is there any hope? Why is this all happening to us? Can anyone help? We have been together 8 years. He is a wonderful, kind man but since the acting out has stopped, he is angry, resentful towards me and blames me/our relationship for all his unhappiness. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


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#364390 - 06/17/11 11:04 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: lucylives]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Glad you came here! I understand totally about the elephant in the room!!!! Drives me insane. The farther that I get in this journey with my husband, I am figuring out that I can really only help me. I hope we make it but sometimes I really don't know. :o(

Hang in there and educate yourself is the best advice that I can give.

I'm still new to this as well but feel free to PM me.

You're not alone!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364397 - 06/17/11 02:12 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Lucy...IF you wish to have a guy's experience, read-on. Else click away.







I've read your post for 4 years now...many times. It was here when I joined. It was here when my wife joined MS. My wife wrote this very post. Its been here always. One thing I've learned with all these cases that I've been privy to, is that success takes a commitment to heal from both of you. He needs to want to heal. You need to want to help him. He needs to understand what you go through (and probably can't see that right now). He needs to commit to helping you to heal. Otherwise, you are simply two individuals with Big Grey Ele in the room as you describe. Failing any of these requisit commitments will yield (IMO) a crash.

I don't know what to say about reaching real commitment as I've only been commited to two hopstials and the marriage. One of the requisit commitments broke-down and thus, here I sit with my head looking like Elmer Fudd after Buggs whacks his head with a 2x4.

I'm not a psycho-therepist, by I've read and experienced enough to know you need a marriage counselor. You need a neutral coach that KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH CSA AND MARRIAGE! (sorry Moderators, my caps key does that on its own). If you find a counselor whom is not fully up-to-speed on CSA with men and what this does to marriage, do not bother to go. He/she will only cause pain for both of you. Pre-interview each candidate therepist and filter-down to the one without his head up his....anyway, if they don't fully know CSA do not go! One gent here asked a plethora of therepists a certain question that revealed TONS. He asked "at what age is it OK for a child to have sex?" The only acceptable answer is 'never.' You might even ask one that I like: "when is it ok for an adult to have sex with a teen?"

We had a Dr.of Christian Counselling, whom immediately took a shocked position that I would have the gaul to marry a normal without disclosing prior to marriage and that I ought never have sought marriage to begin with. He fully focused on her pain and her needs and wrongs committed toward her and openly pushed me into the BadBoy corner. He fully embraced the classical myths of male CSA.

Sorry, I live and breathe analogies. The two of you are trying to land a Boeing 747. The flight guide to your left int gonna help you. You are both heading for a crash on the same aircraft. Its time to get a 3rd party coach who knows what the heck he/she is doing.

You asked a crisp, clear question without sugar-coating. I hope answering with my true experience was not a source of pain for you. I'm glad you found MS.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#364403 - 06/17/11 05:23 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@ Robbie,

In your opinion, is there much hope if he won't go to counseling?

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364410 - 06/17/11 06:49 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
No.

BUT...not every guy is ready to go to counseling according to everyone else's schedule. It may take a while. AND one must never...ever push or try to push the ready-date.

Aim small - miss small: Maybe try Mike Lews book (Victims no Longer). If he's talking to you Lucy, about any acpect of this or MIGHT seem open to input, you might want to show him the books listing on the web. DO NOT buy it and hand it to him. I would also suggest you not read anything ahead of him in Survivor's books. And for God's sake, don't show him this site now that you are here.

See...he owns this CSA horror-show in his head. He owns it and its in a special box of his construct to protect it so no one can see it. If you try to pry it open...well...you ever see Indiana Jones when the Nazis open the Arch of the Covenent? Like that...with my box anyway.

Be educated. Be ready. Gain the "knowledge of the spouse" as it will do great things for you and your endurance, but don't be a "pouncer." e.g., don't pounce on the opportunities to talk or suggest things. Soft-sell is the way of the day.


_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#364418 - 06/17/11 10:18 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
Thanks for the responses. Don't worry about not sugar coating it, Robbie. After what I have been through I don't need anymore BS. We both have therapists, attend 12 step programs (i have so fully embraced my program and fellows there). They are my bread. He goes too but of course has not embraced it all. He is scared. We just started a new therapist together to work on intimacy issues. She specializes in Sex Addiction and co-addiction and is trained under the big man, PC. I am hoping for the best but it all feels so hopeless. Spidey, do you feel that way? Again, he has told me of one incident but he doesn't seem to get that that is related to the SA and intimacy issues or is just too scared to face it. I have read all the books.

Wow, what you said about the CSA horror show in his head etc really hit me.

I want to know how to help him but it is futile as I think he is in such deep denial that he doesn't see the connection between his issues and what happened to him. Being that he isn't ready to face it, should I just leave or give it some time? That is the question. If it is gonna be like this forever, I don't know if I can hang on. I need to know there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.


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#364422 - 06/17/11 11:26 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: lucylives]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Lucy and any other partners who read this,

Please get yourself into a group like SANON asap. Yes, try to understnad what you can about him, but you cannot control him...only yourself. You must take care of yourself and laern to not push and let him deal with his "stuff." I had to learn this the hard way. CODA might also be an option if you don't have SANON in your area. Also, IF he is willing to attend SA meetings that would be good, but that is his decision (I'm just mentioning it in case you don't know what it is).

It is true that he must be willing to get help for things to really work, but that doeesn't mean you don't have stuff to do yourself. Take care of you. Learn about your own behavior. Be a good example to him by taking care of yourself.

I'm glad you are here. PM me anytime.


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#364426 - 06/18/11 12:50 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: lucylives]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: lucylives
Being that he isn't ready to face it, should I just leave or give it some time? That is the question.


I truly don't think anyone can answer that. Not even you.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

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#364431 - 06/18/11 01:27 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: hopeandtry]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Lucy
Only you know how far your boundries stretch and how many times they can be violated before it's enough. That's why you ought to be real with yourself and establish those boundries. They are individual to you and your coping mechinisms. I know you are hurt, scared and mad. I wish there was a golden truth here that I could share with you. I'm still seeking my truth. I am scared and confused. And angry. But the funny thing is I'm not 100% sure who I am angry with. Me? her? him? IDK.

All of the above.

My moods change daily....hourly.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

I'm DONE with being the victim of his past abuse.

A causualty.....perhaps.

The more that I learn about all this AND me, I realize it's time for me to put on my big girl britches and bail MY OWN WATER OUT OF THIS BOAT. If he catches up- GREAT! But in the meantime I'm busy saving myself right now.

I hope I haven't tiggered anyone!!!!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364433 - 06/18/11 02:44 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
[quote=SpideySenseA causualty.....perhaps.

The more that I learn about all this AND me, I realize it's time for me to put on my big girl britches and bail MY OWN WATER OUT OF THIS BOAT. If he catches up- GREAT! But in the meantime I'm busy saving myself right now. [/quote]

I don't think there's any guilt or shame in any of this. We all endure what we can. I'm learning a lot from the F&F family to reach peace with what happened in my marriage and family. I'm seeing that sometimes these flames are too hot to hand around...that if you DO, you'll perish too. My wife (ex) saw this. Though the proceedings were not graceful or humane by any definition, who the heck is trained or prepared for such breaks or self rescue?

Some survivor needs to tell you its OK to take care of yourself? Consider youself told.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#364465 - 06/18/11 01:44 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Thanks Robbie!

What you said means alot!!!!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364473 - 06/18/11 04:59 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lucy

Sorry to meet you here, but welcome and strength to you. A lot of good advice is given here and only you can make the decision.
Its odd but I read a lot of stories here and all are the same, we all display the same things as survivors, Addiction, Rage, withdrawal, Fear of intimacy (real intimacy). The question is does he want to heal, does he want to take the chance at having a real happy and Fulfilled life. It is not impossible, but he needs to embrace recovery, embrace the pain and fear, this is a choice only he can make, and it is an option you can give him.
The most important thing here, and I know this is tough to hear, is, Your well being. Your future, your happiness, your dreams and your hopes for the future. Are you willing to give these all up for a man who doesn't want to help himself?
It is a different story if he does want to embrace recovery, then there is hope, but if he refuses, there a lot of pain. Ask My wife she endured 20 years of my crap and abuse before I decided to get well. She wanted to run away but along came a child and a house and the dogs and the cars, and it all gets a little harder to get out. She then had to put up with my lying ass for 20 years before I discovered what the root cause for my problems was. CSA.
All has changed since then, we are still together and I love her More today than ever before. I now understand love, I understand her, and that she only wants the best for me.

I suppose there is light at the end of the tunnel, and its not a speeding train, but YOU need to know what you are in for.
Think carefully, of only ONE thing......... What do I want for MY life. you are not your lovers keeper, but if you choose to keep him it is YOUR choice.

Heal well Lucy
GOD SPEED
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#364790 - 06/23/11 10:23 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
lovingBen Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
support systems and self-educating are my saving grace.learning to de-code is exhausting...when you're right, you still have to code back. getting the code and then responding in your own language shuts him down. mirror his expressions in the same way he has communicated them to you. let hin know you love him with the same paramters and getsures he does...it's the only safe way for that exchange to happen for him.

when i do it that way, he beams and wells up lovingly...he just can't say certain things, and unfornately, those are the ver the very things we long to hear....but his abuser stole them from him.

like, it took a while for me to figure this out, but whenever i would miss him terribly, our next encounter i would lovingly say "i really missed you" and he would go white and put his head down and not say much. one day, in anger, when i missed i him i was kind of cold and stand offish when i picked him up, and let him go first...he squeezed my thigh and said "it's really good to see you" i was sort of happy about that but was also like, "really?...that's all i get?"

i let it go that way a couple of times before my T explained this all to me.

so the next time he did it, i did the exact thing back, and he connected straight into my heart...he understood i finally knew what that meant and he didn't have to say those terrifying words his abuser stoale from him...the abuser started each "session" with "i missed you" every time...so instead of the loving expressions we mean to convey all the time, are often triggers of terror for them.

we do the same thing with smiley faces now too. in the middle of the nite he will just txt a smiley face. he can't say i love you, i miss you, i'm thinking of you...but he can send a smiley face and i know that that's what that means...that took a while to figure because of couse, when you txt something loving and vulnerbale to your partner and all you get is a smiley face...well, not understanding what it really means feels like a dismissal...bujt when i figure out that was like the "it's really good to see you" code, he figured out i understood it too. figuring that out has allowed for deeper communication between us. he opens up more and is able to say more and more as time, his recovery, and his confidence that i am not leaving increases and that i am doing my best to understand and embrace the much deeper things he means from the much smaller verbal expressions.

everyone's journey is different, but i hope this helps in some small way...what i know for me, is that, if he didn't really love me, he would have bolted a long time ago given how many times i have reacted badly before i self-educated enough...i have done the exact opposite of how to safely engage many times, and explosions were had, but within 24 hours, i look up what is happening in the books and here, i understand his feelings better, and we reconnect...and he codes to me his appreciation that i am going through the steps of recovery too...just the partner version....and i code back how much i love and support him with a sniley face txt--even though we're sitting in th same room.

PM me anytime...and remember, learning the code and how not to take what feels like outrageous hurtfulness personally is your magic shield--especially because it often is just failed attempts of expressing love from his terrified heart.


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#365372 - 07/03/11 04:25 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
All I can tell you is if he is "just going through the motions" and talking the talk but not walking the walk, there's not much YOU can do. Honestly. I just started treatment with my husband and it's like I tell him, if he doesn't tell them everything going through his brain and be honest about it and want to change, he's wasting our money and time. He has to honestly want to be open enough to get the help he needs. Otherwise, you are pouring time and money down the drain. IMHO.

Love,
Katie


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#365535 - 07/06/11 03:06 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: katie1205]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 306
Quote:
See...he owns this CSA horror-show in his head. He owns it and its in a special box of his construct to protect it so no one can see it. If you try to pry it open...well...you ever see Indiana Jones when the Nazis open the Arch of the Covenent? Like that...with my box anyway.


very true


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#365827 - 07/11/11 11:41 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
wifeofA Offline


Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 3
So I have, in the last 4mos., discovered that my husband cheated on me and carried on an email affair with the same woman(an old high school fling). Shortly after I found the emails that flipped our world upside down my husband told me he had been abused for about a year in his very early teens. I turned from betrayed wife to a supportive spouse ( I was the first he has told EVER).


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#365833 - 07/12/11 01:50 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: wifeofA]
katie1205 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
Okay,first breathe. Did he have an actual affair or just an email affair? That's important. Victims often turn to online affairs and porn addictions and such so that's not so unusual. If your husband had an actual real life affair, that changes things. You need to go to your OB/GYN or GP and get tested for various things. I know some people will say I am over reacting but he literally slept with everyone she slept with and if you slept with him so did you. Not trying to scare you. And molestation is not an excuse to cheat on your wife and you need to find him a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse so he can deal with that. And if he had an affair affair, you need a therapist for you and see if his sexual abuse therapist also does couple's therapy. That's my just off the cuff advice.


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