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#364388 - 06/17/11 10:24 AM Please help! I don't want to give up on him!
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Hello all,
I have been reading your posts for quite some time and this is the first time I have posted. I am married to a survivor of CSA as a teenager by men. When I write that, I know that there is just so much more that went on with him as a child but he will never tell as I am pretty sure it was so horrendous he will never be able to tell. I am learning to accept that I will never know though it is very difficult because of alll the pain I have been through, I feel like I deserve answers. Our problems are many. Alcoholism, Sex Addiction with men and prostitutes and sexual dysfunction (with me, that is). That I believe is an intimacy disorder, not about me. I am so frustrated because I feel like I wwalk around in the dark. I have no idea why he avoids me emotionally and sexually now. He, of course, says it is't me but then he can't tell me what it is. I feel so hopeless. There is a huge elephant in the room. Let me tell you, I have a fabulous support system. I am strong. I can walk through anything except for being in the dark. Is it time to throw in the towel? Is there any hope? Why is this all happening to us? Can anyone help? We have been together 8 years. He is a wonderful, kind man but since the acting out has stopped, he is angry, resentful towards me and blames me/our relationship for all his unhappiness. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks


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#364390 - 06/17/11 11:04 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: lucylives]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Glad you came here! I understand totally about the elephant in the room!!!! Drives me insane. The farther that I get in this journey with my husband, I am figuring out that I can really only help me. I hope we make it but sometimes I really don't know. :o(

Hang in there and educate yourself is the best advice that I can give.

I'm still new to this as well but feel free to PM me.

You're not alone!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364397 - 06/17/11 02:12 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Lucy...IF you wish to have a guy's experience, read-on. Else click away.







I've read your post for 4 years now...many times. It was here when I joined. It was here when my wife joined MS. My wife wrote this very post. Its been here always. One thing I've learned with all these cases that I've been privy to, is that success takes a commitment to heal from both of you. He needs to want to heal. You need to want to help him. He needs to understand what you go through (and probably can't see that right now). He needs to commit to helping you to heal. Otherwise, you are simply two individuals with Big Grey Ele in the room as you describe. Failing any of these requisit commitments will yield (IMO) a crash.

I don't know what to say about reaching real commitment as I've only been commited to two hopstials and the marriage. One of the requisit commitments broke-down and thus, here I sit with my head looking like Elmer Fudd after Buggs whacks his head with a 2x4.

I'm not a psycho-therepist, by I've read and experienced enough to know you need a marriage counselor. You need a neutral coach that KNOWS HOW TO DEAL WITH CSA AND MARRIAGE! (sorry Moderators, my caps key does that on its own). If you find a counselor whom is not fully up-to-speed on CSA with men and what this does to marriage, do not bother to go. He/she will only cause pain for both of you. Pre-interview each candidate therepist and filter-down to the one without his head up his....anyway, if they don't fully know CSA do not go! One gent here asked a plethora of therepists a certain question that revealed TONS. He asked "at what age is it OK for a child to have sex?" The only acceptable answer is 'never.' You might even ask one that I like: "when is it ok for an adult to have sex with a teen?"

We had a Dr.of Christian Counselling, whom immediately took a shocked position that I would have the gaul to marry a normal without disclosing prior to marriage and that I ought never have sought marriage to begin with. He fully focused on her pain and her needs and wrongs committed toward her and openly pushed me into the BadBoy corner. He fully embraced the classical myths of male CSA.

Sorry, I live and breathe analogies. The two of you are trying to land a Boeing 747. The flight guide to your left int gonna help you. You are both heading for a crash on the same aircraft. Its time to get a 3rd party coach who knows what the heck he/she is doing.

You asked a crisp, clear question without sugar-coating. I hope answering with my true experience was not a source of pain for you. I'm glad you found MS.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#364403 - 06/17/11 05:23 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@ Robbie,

In your opinion, is there much hope if he won't go to counseling?

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364410 - 06/17/11 06:49 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
No.

BUT...not every guy is ready to go to counseling according to everyone else's schedule. It may take a while. AND one must never...ever push or try to push the ready-date.

Aim small - miss small: Maybe try Mike Lews book (Victims no Longer). If he's talking to you Lucy, about any acpect of this or MIGHT seem open to input, you might want to show him the books listing on the web. DO NOT buy it and hand it to him. I would also suggest you not read anything ahead of him in Survivor's books. And for God's sake, don't show him this site now that you are here.

See...he owns this CSA horror-show in his head. He owns it and its in a special box of his construct to protect it so no one can see it. If you try to pry it open...well...you ever see Indiana Jones when the Nazis open the Arch of the Covenent? Like that...with my box anyway.

Be educated. Be ready. Gain the "knowledge of the spouse" as it will do great things for you and your endurance, but don't be a "pouncer." e.g., don't pounce on the opportunities to talk or suggest things. Soft-sell is the way of the day.


_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#364418 - 06/17/11 10:18 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Thanks for the responses. Don't worry about not sugar coating it, Robbie. After what I have been through I don't need anymore BS. We both have therapists, attend 12 step programs (i have so fully embraced my program and fellows there). They are my bread. He goes too but of course has not embraced it all. He is scared. We just started a new therapist together to work on intimacy issues. She specializes in Sex Addiction and co-addiction and is trained under the big man, PC. I am hoping for the best but it all feels so hopeless. Spidey, do you feel that way? Again, he has told me of one incident but he doesn't seem to get that that is related to the SA and intimacy issues or is just too scared to face it. I have read all the books.

Wow, what you said about the CSA horror show in his head etc really hit me.

I want to know how to help him but it is futile as I think he is in such deep denial that he doesn't see the connection between his issues and what happened to him. Being that he isn't ready to face it, should I just leave or give it some time? That is the question. If it is gonna be like this forever, I don't know if I can hang on. I need to know there could be a light at the end of the tunnel.


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#364422 - 06/17/11 11:26 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: lucylives]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Lucy and any other partners who read this,

Please get yourself into a group like SANON asap. Yes, try to understnad what you can about him, but you cannot control him...only yourself. You must take care of yourself and laern to not push and let him deal with his "stuff." I had to learn this the hard way. CODA might also be an option if you don't have SANON in your area. Also, IF he is willing to attend SA meetings that would be good, but that is his decision (I'm just mentioning it in case you don't know what it is).

It is true that he must be willing to get help for things to really work, but that doeesn't mean you don't have stuff to do yourself. Take care of you. Learn about your own behavior. Be a good example to him by taking care of yourself.

I'm glad you are here. PM me anytime.


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#364426 - 06/18/11 12:50 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: lucylives]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: lucylives
Being that he isn't ready to face it, should I just leave or give it some time? That is the question.


I truly don't think anyone can answer that. Not even you.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#364431 - 06/18/11 01:27 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: hopeandtry]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Lucy
Only you know how far your boundries stretch and how many times they can be violated before it's enough. That's why you ought to be real with yourself and establish those boundries. They are individual to you and your coping mechinisms. I know you are hurt, scared and mad. I wish there was a golden truth here that I could share with you. I'm still seeking my truth. I am scared and confused. And angry. But the funny thing is I'm not 100% sure who I am angry with. Me? her? him? IDK.

All of the above.

My moods change daily....hourly.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

I'm DONE with being the victim of his past abuse.

A causualty.....perhaps.

The more that I learn about all this AND me, I realize it's time for me to put on my big girl britches and bail MY OWN WATER OUT OF THIS BOAT. If he catches up- GREAT! But in the meantime I'm busy saving myself right now.

I hope I haven't tiggered anyone!!!!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMvWo6KxKeQ

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#364433 - 06/18/11 02:44 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
[quote=SpideySenseA causualty.....perhaps.

The more that I learn about all this AND me, I realize it's time for me to put on my big girl britches and bail MY OWN WATER OUT OF THIS BOAT. If he catches up- GREAT! But in the meantime I'm busy saving myself right now. [/quote]

I don't think there's any guilt or shame in any of this. We all endure what we can. I'm learning a lot from the F&F family to reach peace with what happened in my marriage and family. I'm seeing that sometimes these flames are too hot to hand around...that if you DO, you'll perish too. My wife (ex) saw this. Though the proceedings were not graceful or humane by any definition, who the heck is trained or prepared for such breaks or self rescue?

Some survivor needs to tell you its OK to take care of yourself? Consider youself told.

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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