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#362906 - 05/24/11 12:15 PM Lack of Memories of Abuse
rocker80 Offline


Registered: 05/11/11
Posts: 17
Loc: Minnesota
I am just starting to deal with and admit and accept that I was probably sexually abused by my grandfater when I was somewhere between the ages of 0-4 years old. I spent a lot of time at my grandparents when I was very young so there was opportunity. I struggle with the fact that I don't have any real memories of the actual abuse taking place. The only memory that relates to this is a memory of me and my twin brother being in a baby stroller down in the basement of our house alone with my grandpa. It was an unfinished basement. Very dark, damp and kind of eerie. There was no reason for us to be down there and the memory makes me feel very uncomfortable and some fear. My question is do others stuggle with this same issue of not remembering the exact details of the abuse that took place? I have always felt like damaged goods and that I am so broken and screwed up inside myself. I suffer from so many addictions and unhealthy behaviors that suggest a history of sexual abuse. I was talking with my mom a few years ago and out of the blue she asked me, "Were you sexually abused by grandpa". I told her that I did not have any direct memories but I thought I might have been. Her reply was "I thought something had happened". I did not pursue the issue farther with her at the time.

Dave S.

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rocker80

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#362911 - 05/24/11 01:18 PM Re: Lack of Memories of Abuse [Re: rocker80]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Wow!

"I was talking with my mom a few years ago and out of the blue she asked me, "Were you sexually abused by grandpa".

Six months before my brother died in 2009, my mother out of the blue stated she knew he was having sex with men in the basement of our home growing up.

WTF?

It was with me that he and his friends were sexual-among other boys in the neighborhood, apparently. A few years after this (1979) a man approached me and tried to entice me to be sexual with him-saying my brother would let him into the basement, so should I.

Pieces of the puzzle, but the answer was really locked inside me: it sounds like you are making progress.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#362950 - 05/25/11 01:32 AM Re: Lack of Memories of Abuse [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
It sounds a little like when my abuse memories started to come back. I knew that something had happened but didn’t quite have the memories. Even after many of the memories came back, I knew some events had happened but didn’t actually have full memory of them tell latter.

Example at first I had memories of the boy that was also invoved saying that it was a dog in the closet, I knew it to be a lie but not why or how I knew it to be a lie: Latter I remembered turning around and seeing his dad.

Another example at first I remembered wanting to get into the room, but also conflicting memories of wanting to run away but not why. I wanted to get into the room to see what the machine was, it was a camera but I didn’t know it yet. I wanted to run away from the room on a different occasion I had just been raped…

Another example is that at first I remembered being smothered or held down, and sever panic. Latter I remembered all the details and more.

I could give you more specific examples, but I think 3 is enough. The point is that you won’t remember tell you are ready. I have heard it said that “you won’t remember tell you are ready.” Are you ready to accept and deal with what happened?

I was 8 when it happened, 34 when the memories started coming back. I have 2 memories (not of abuse) from before I could talk. It is very likely if the memories where traumatic enough or important enough to at the time, that you will have memories from that age. Abuse is usually both traumatic and important.

Also remember that just a felling is not enough to say for sure. You may just be remembering being punished… Or scared of the creepy basement…

_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#363699 - 06/06/11 04:25 PM Re: Lack of Memories of Abuse [Re: Napoleon]
vachssfan Offline


Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
i struggle with this so hard. i'm there with you rocker. i try and be so so so CAREFUL not to make up anything. but i think that has been my defense mechanism for my adult self not to admit things.
it's hard man- really fucking hard.
my situation is very very similar. you're not alone with it.

_________________________
www.memoryisaghost.blogspot.com/

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#363709 - 06/06/11 07:27 PM Re: Lack of Memories of Abuse [Re: rocker80]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 326
Loc: NYC
Oh, Dave, I can certainly relate. I started my process of remembering in September. memories used to come few and far between, but now I'm noticing things I never did before. It is a laborious process at at best. Last week I made a connection between a picture and feelings which brought me to the realization that, like you, my abuses occurred around 2. I discussed it with my therapist. Two years old is the formative years. I/we have just learned how to walk. I/we have just learned how to hold things with purpose. I/we have just learned how to walk. I/we have just learned how to talk a little bit and then in phrases that are not sophisticated at all. These very new things have all probably occurred less than a year before. The terror that abuse like ours produces is so unfamiliar and unknown to us that we actually have difficulty comprehending it.

My therapist pointed out that as an adult I am trying to recall things as an adult would rather than going to as a child would. One evening recently it hit me and I was in my bed trembling, there was nothing in the world but this trembling. no crying, no calling out, no awareness of people or places. Just a trembling deep inside; it was the only thing I knew now, and I believe then.

Our child communication is not like adults and they often do not see it at all. One of the ways I tried to communicate was that I simply would not eat. At all. My parents took me to the doctor, who had no clue. My therapist has explained, again, deep inside I needed to let them know there was unrest. At 2, I didn't even have the vocabulary. My mind did it through my body by producing no appetite. I got attention, but unfortunately not the right kind.

Dave, remember, these are not just horrible acts, but our abusers severely damaged our psyches, our spirits, our cores at the very beginning of our existence on this plane. Is it any wonder that serious damage of that kind would not be easy to readily recall?

I do not know if you are religious, and I do not know if I am all that religious myself. That said, think of Jesus as a teacher. Remember the story when he blessed the children and then said, "If anyone harms the least of these it is better he have a rock tied around his neck and be thrown in the sea." Recently I pondered that story and realized on some level Jesus knew the damage the soul suffers when when the body (as a child) has been treated with abuse. I personally like to believe that Jesus also sensed the horrible suffering the adult of those childhood experiences suffers for the rest of his life. No wonder the consequences he outlined were so harsh. Think. It would be BETTER that the perp have a rock tied around his neck and be thrown in the sea. Damn! That is graveyard serious!

All of this is to say, take your time and be gentle with yourself. When you figure things out it will be in the best time for you.

I'm here to hold your hand when it gets scary for you --if you'll agree to hold mine when it gets scary for me.
T


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#363710 - 06/06/11 07:37 PM Re: Lack of Memories of Abuse [Re: rocker80]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 326
Loc: NYC
Mountainous buck, vacsshstan, Napolean, and Dave

Thanks for your posts. I cried when reading them. It is sad, but encouraging to know that I am not alone in the experience of recalling the past.

Thanks again. Thanks for the support and if i ever can, i will be here for you.
T


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#364174 - 06/14/11 11:48 AM Re: Lack of Memories of Abuse [Re: Thebo]
rocker80 Offline


Registered: 05/11/11
Posts: 17
Loc: Minnesota
Thebo:

Thanks for your posting. As your therapist pointed out that statement as an adult I am trying to recall things as an adult would rather than going to as a child would really makes a lot of sense. A 2 year old child does not have a vocabulary and it will take time and I do need to be gentle with myself. I will definitely hold your hand when it gets scary for you. Together we can recover and move on and live comfortable, peaceful, enjoyable lives. Seems like a far fetch dream sometimes.

Dave

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rocker80

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