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#36415 - 04/11/05 10:46 AM Why I'm Here??? ***TRIGGERS***
Brant Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/11/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
Hi All,

I began this as a PM to Rustam, but decided to post it for all instead. Here's what I have to share for now...

My fellow Irish guy,

I'm an Irish-Canadian living on beautiful Vancouver Island, B.C.. I have many relatives, cousins that I love like my brothers, in Ireland. I just sent this to try to establish a talking relationship with you. In my family, there are only the three of us boys, not the cluster of ten that you speak of in your "Partner Considering Reporting..." reply post.

***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS***
My mother is Irish,straight from Dublin. My father was (is) Welsh and started with me over a train set at the age of six. I was the oldest and as my brothers grew older they were also included in this ugly shitstorm of abuse. Sexual abuse, big time.

I was always my father's favourite for these "sessions," but sometimes I used to cherish the moments when he was no longer alone with me but also with my brothers so that I would be left alone so I didn't have to fight him off and he would pick on my other brothers. Other times I would try to protect them by offering myself instead. Sometimes I just couldn't do it.

I could hear their screams and yells in the other room, and I would feel so bad but feel thankful that it wasn't me. This continued for years...if I was successful in fighting him off, he would go to one of my brothers if they were around. When he finally left the family, my mother told me I was in charge.

Things became violent. My brothers were wild. I was wild. And the f**ker came back. He finally left for good when I was 14.

But he's never been gone.


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#36416 - 04/11/05 04:21 PM Re: Why I'm Here??? ***TRIGGERS***
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Sorry that your life was such a nightmare. it is so hard for me to understand how a father could do this to his own children.
Remember that you where just a kid and there is no way you could of stopprd your brothers from being abuse.

What you can do now is help your brother in thier healing. There is lots of great men here at Male Survivors. We are here to get help for our healing and to help others on their healing jourany.
Keep coming back ,read, write,and talk to other at the Chat Room.
Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#36417 - 04/11/05 06:26 PM Re: Why I'm Here??? ***TRIGGERS***
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
Brant,

I'm glad you made it here. I think Muldoon offered some great advice. Your comment about hearing the abuse of your brothers and being glad it wasn't your turn reminds me of a similiar "guilt". I think the term is called "Soldier's Remorse". It is when a soldier feels guilt for feeling releived that he is still alive after one of his buddies has been killed. Please remember, you were a young boy and not equpiied to rescue your brothers. What your father did was reprehensible. Don't assume his blame for your own. You were absolutely not to blame for your father's actions! I wish you the best on your path to recovery.

John


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#36418 - 04/11/05 08:57 PM Re: Why I'm Here??? ***TRIGGERS***
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Brant, I am sorry you have to go through all of this as a kid. Reliving nightmares like this must be horror for you.

I am glad that your father got out of your face, but your mother was not so much good in this, when she expects you to take over.

Is it any wonder the kids were wild?

Just hope that your brothers found strength thru all of this, and you still keep together, as it can cause so much crap in a family.

And I thought my family probs were bad, but abuse is abuse, and it causes unnecessary breakdown in family and dysfunction,

hope you are OK,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#36419 - 04/12/05 01:07 AM Re: Why I'm Here??? ***TRIGGERS***
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
Hi Brant

My father didnít put us through the same thing; he managed to have us believe that each of us was the only one. We had a farm so he used sheds or abused us in the fields mostly. Its sounds like an awful bind to put a child in, that if you escape someone else gets it. I can relate in some way, when either of the parents were in a rage, I would be hoping someone else would get a beating so that the air would be cleared and I would feel safer. We were a wild bunch too always getting into one kind of mad trouble or another.

The site has lots of good guys, itís not always easy to read or write, but itís a relief to be able to talk about this horrible stuff, and it does get better.

Welcome to the site fellow Irish guy, P.Ms are welcome.

Rustam.


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