sonlite, you have already taken a giant step in the right direction in finding yourself....right here. We are all in the same boat and Victor said, it took him 35 years, it took me over 40, a marriage in shambles and 3 years of reading everything and everything I can get my hand on. I think if Lake Superior was in my back yard, I could have refilled it with all the tears I've cried and I could have kicked Roy Rogers horse from Maine to Calif and back with all the times I have kicked myself for all the stupid things I have done, the gay porn, drinking in excess, the lies, the pretending etc, etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself, get the help through this site, through books but above all from your heart. If that starts to heal, then so can the rest of you. My journey may take the rest of my life but I am feeling one hell of alot better about alot of things now that I have confronted my issues head on, listened to people a heck of alot smarter than I am and listened to my heart. I cannot forget what happened to me but, I can let it not dominate my life and the life of those I love.
Be strong, love yourself, do something fun and if you slip, pick yourself up and start over without the kick this time.
Bob

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The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.