I've been away a year or so, and I started coming here in 2003, so I've been part of the conversation a long time now.
I don't know what prompted a return visit, just checking in I guess, and I saw something pretty cool when I was looking at the threads and just getting a feel for where things are. I thought I would share it.
So much stays the same, and that's pretty interesting. There are always new guys coming in and sharing their stories, and the patterns of despair and working through the issues and all the other things you all know about are constant, they keep resurfacing. It's like the tide.
At first that seemed kind of depressing. But then I realized that they're real patterns, just like you read about in all the support books, but with real people talking about them.
And if there are such clear patterns of pain, there must also be equally clear patterns of healing. I for one feel so much better since I first started sharing stuff on these boards that I'm hardly the same person. All the good of me is getting more light.
I know it's much harder to see the patterns of healing than to see the patterns of pain, because when people start to feel a lot better they often drift away, like I have in the last year and on and off for the past five years or so. Then we keep getting better, and the urge to check in fades a bit. It's almost like you're afraid if you go back to the site you'll get drawn back into the drama again.
But the getting better really happens, too.
This made me realize something else I thought I'd share with you. The very fact that we all go through the same sorts of clearly patterned difficulties means something is really general about the abuse.
And that means it didn't hit each of us separately. It didn't make us alone. It means our abusers are general, too. Even though they seem like very individual monsters, they're really just arms and legs of the same badness, like a Stephen King bogeyman possessed by a social disease. It's like we all got hit by the same enemy. And we're together as we get hit, even though we don't know it. We think we got taken to some awful dark place all alone, but we really got a very common, very social pain. The aloneness is only a seeming. It's imaginary.
And when I think about it this way, I realize the abuse didn't hurt me they way I thought it did, making me some kind of a freak.
Instead it just moved us over, like it picked us up from whatever pack of people we started out with and gave us another group to belong to. Then, once we start talking to one another we can see everything falling into place. We know each other. We're not abused so much as cut off from our crowd.
Because of the fact that we share this particular set of patterns, we are like one brotherhood (even though the secret handshake wasn't a very nice one!), and so, once find each other again, we can watch each others backs and help each other grow.
It's not so bad being a survivor. It can seem horrible, and, when you first walk through the door of the solitary confinement the secrecy creates, it can seem unbearable. But all of that fear and wretchedness are just a state of mind. They pass away.
Because I know we share so many of the same less than ideal patterns, and because I know how much better I feel than when I started out here in 2003, I know we can all move on.
I know it may sound kind of superficially sunny to put it this way. But it's how I feel coming back and seeing the boards, and it didn't seem right not to share.
I'm happy to be part of so committed a group of people. And I mean that. I'm happy to be here.
Saying that I thought to myself "But that's crazy! Can I really be happy I was abused?" And I know anybody reading this far with me was probably thinking the same thing.
And the answer is: Yes. And the sooner we all realize the answer is Yes, the sooner we start to heal. The abuse happened. and all the rest of my life happened. And I'm happy. And I want to be me. And me was abused. So I'll take the good and make the bad part of the good. And then, yes, I'm ok with that. I wouldn't take the abuse away. if I could. No change necessary.
I want to rewrite that, the abused guy in me says "Change it! Make everything better! After all it's only wishful thinking!"
But it's better as it is, because it's truer, even though it's a little scary. I'm happy being "abused guy." I carried that abused me over some very tough hurdles and through a warzone of pain. And he carried me, too. And I'm not turning my back on myself now that I'm feeling better. I had a pretty cool guy in me to go through that pain with, and I feel the bond too strong to let him go. And I know he's pretty happy now, too. because we're one man: abused guy and survivor both together. And I'll go through the rest of my life with him, proud of what we've accomplished together.
Edited by DannyT (06/13/11 05:19 PM)