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#363900 - 06/09/11 12:43 AM My Lost Kids
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I don't know why people keep talking about divorce when children are involved and act as if there ARE no children involved. I've never understood it. I'll never condone it. Its as pure a black-sin as you can muster!

That black evil came to my house well over 2 years ago thanks to the poison that over-runneth my vile bucket.

All my prior knowledge and adopted facts regarding the devastation of the children and relationships WITH the children, came true.

A truly wonderful and magical relationship with two wonderous beings has been killed, dead, dead, dead. We now have dinners out and go pay for our entertainment. I find they 'tollerate me,' during the times we try new things like geo-caching, or go-carts or drive-in movies. But I've come to realize that with enough rain, all gets washed away and dies.

Its Wednesday, so they are sleeping in my extra bedrooms. Neither seems to give a flying fk about anyting. Its the worst nighmare possible. Yes, even worse than 7 years of THAT!

I can't be the only one here who feels like poison to others or have been accused of being poison to others.

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#363901 - 06/09/11 12:57 AM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: Still]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
(((((((((((Rob)))))))))))

I am truly sorry for the pain you continue to be subjected to. I'm hoping time will be your ally. Just keep loving them, Rob. You are an incredible man; your continued love and affection will help them to heal. I don't think a parent's relationship with his kids could ever be "dead, dead, dead." Broken, yes. Battered, yes. But we here know something about being broken and battered. Survivors. Hmm. Sometimes maybe survivors barely hanging on by a thread. But still survivors. As long as there is breath left in Rob Brown, Rob Brown can still perform CPR on these relationships. Hang in there, buddy.

Peace,

John



Edited by Fissy Tsickens (06/09/11 12:58 AM)
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Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
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#363902 - 06/09/11 01:39 AM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Rob
Sorry for your pain. I find it kinda hard to write to you as I see you have been a member on the site for a long time.
My question is this
How old are the children. Pretty much if they are teenagers their attitudes are much like that. The attitudes are then compounded because of the divorce.
In most divorces the parents tend to attack each other through the children. Not saying this is happening but sometimes the slightest comment is amplified by the children into a running vitriol.
Advice Tell them that you love them A Lot
And the only time you talk about their mother is to praise her, how great a mother she is, how well she cooks, etc. Also don't overdo it.
Don't wait for your weekends, call the kids to see how they are doing ask about school, friends, boy friends, girl friends, what happening etc.
As I say I don't know the exact situation, but this has been my experience.

Heal well
God speed
Martin

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#363909 - 06/09/11 08:34 AM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: whome]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Rob, it's never all on us no matter what we think. Maybe they do need some T support to help sort out all the stuff they went through. Maybe it's just they are growing up and what you see is all natural.

The stages of kids and how they relate to us vary as they grow too. One second they can't be without us, next they don't want to be seen with us at the mall. Rob don't count them out, and never count yourself out.

No single person can trigger me like my middle kid. She makes me feel like you at times. But very recently she has told me "I give you Sh*t but always listen to you" and also recently told my wife "I know Dad would do anything for us, we just need to ask....".

Easy on yourself. Your love for them is a constant message to us all. No way in the world their love for you is not just as strong.





Edited by kb8715 (06/09/11 08:36 AM)
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#363924 - 06/09/11 04:34 PM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: whome
I find it kinda hard to write to you as I see you have been a member on the site for a long time.
Naw...don't be fraid...I don't bite...at least not any more. I've been here so long for several reasons. One is that my healing not only stopped when my wife had the sheriffs throw me out like a human frizbee, but my healing reversed into oblivion.

Originally Posted By: whome
How old are the children.


Girl was 8 when I went all like frizbee and is now 10.
Boy was 10 and is now 12.

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#363940 - 06/10/11 12:22 AM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
They ended up here again tonight. Nothing changed except for the re-enforcement of the same conditions.

Its not my intent to keep complaining and droning on and on, but given that I've lost them this way, there is truly nothing left.

I at least don't have to worry about finding a house for us all to live in. I can kick-it and let the creditors devour me alive.

Got no use for this place.

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#363944 - 06/10/11 07:37 AM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: Still]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Rob,
I think you need to take your own advice and think about how your actions (giving up, etc) will effect them, the may have been hurt by the divorce but you don't need to continue with that.

Just do your best, giving up is not the answer

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#363948 - 06/10/11 09:13 AM Re: My Lost Kids [Re: onlyakid]
kb8715 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
No way Robbie.....no way.

They come because they love you. If they did not they are old enough to have said to you or that witch of mother they did not want to be there.

Come on Robbie, follow the logic. She would be fast to say they do not want to be with you, don;t care, don't want....

It may hurt, it may be uncomfortable fot the 3 of you, but they love their Dad.

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"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#363949 - 06/10/11 10:06 AM Re: My Lost Kids *****TRIGGER WARNING******* [Re: onlyakid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: onlyakid
Rob,
The boy is growing up 12 today is almost like a teen. Sorry to say it but I think your relationship would have detoriated regardless of the divorce however I'm sure the separation made it a bit worse.


Yeah....so here's the deeper pain. Here's the decaying meat of the matter. I was eliminated from their lives and villified by grotesque means and scale during the two years. I did not need to be a LCSW to know for a fact that I was missing two very key years and that their view of me was nuked into a black-hole. Two precious years of their amazing childhood that would never be. Two loving years of us being joined at the hip in out adventures, discovering bugs, battling the ocean, laying on the front lawn at night to watch sattellites and meteors...pupet-shows we made, turtles we caught... The two years of that began with them being told that "Dad was removed from the house by the police today because...blah blah blah." All they heard was that Dad was dangerous and you won't likely see him ever again. The original order called for me to see them for one-hour a month in a visitation center.

So, the natural age-normal defiance and degradation of our relationship (IF it was even destined to happen, which I do not believe) was fueled by the fresh plutonium rods of HER outrageous claims against my image. The goal was to destroy my relationship with them, my image and separate me from them for ever. Examining other acts (like the sheriffs being told to expect a gun-fight from me), it became quite clear they were trying to get me dead. I was worth a LOT of $$$ dead. (Hah!!! Now I've got such emmence debt that I will net-out to NOTHING when I assume room temperature).

All an unscrupulous side in a divorce needs to say is "i think he's a danger to my kids and i," and BANG!...Off you go! Few here would even come close to comprehending the evil things said in the 94-point initial ex-parte "fear complaint" that got issued in one hour and handed off to the sheriffs. Well...Get out the six-figure check book cuz thats what its gonna cost you. Then you are guaranteed to lose the two years of a wonderful life and instead be shoved into hell, and have a very bad reputation spread like wild-fire on methanol to defame you according to the "well-known-facts" we at MS call "myths." In fact, the original pleading to the court was heavily painted with the myths of CSA. Given that the judge is a Military officer, he resents anyone being weak enough to let CSA cause PTSD and other mental problems. He did not even reject the claims from her side that I was "culpable" and "could have ended the sex I was enjoying" and "enjoyed it" and "should be well-over it by now" and "made me into a dangerous person (even though the court-ordered psychologist deemed me 'totally safe')." My wife told me that "even though it was forced and extorted at first....yeah....you could have shortened it...you ought not have 'carried-on' with the lead abuser."

In this small town, I know everyone. We've all met! There are SO many who will not even speak to me. I wonder which myth they buy-in to. Hmmm...but one result is that some parents of the kid's friends have cut-off relations with my kids.

Anyway Jason, I lost two years out of their very short childhood. I lost face. I lost dignity. THEY lost their father, their provider, their secure life, the guy who built a mega treehouse for them. And they STILL ask me (frequently) "why did it happen?"

****Trigger Warning*****
Violent criminals get fairness (notice I did not say "more fairness") that I never saw. They don't lose children and dignity. Sorry to be graphic, but: I was fked severely as a kid, only to be fked-over as an adult. What the fk is worth the pain and tourture of survival? I DO NOT KNOW. For me, I TRULY DON'T BELIEVE IT EXISTS!!!

So, as much as I like 'spin,' (as a sales guy I made money on 'spin') there's no rolling these dice and coming-up with anything but fked out of my childrens lives and they, shielded from the emotional connection with me.


Please Jesus, come back and judge us now!

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#363956 - 06/10/11 01:33 PM Re: My Lost Kids *****TRIGGER WARNING******* [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Robbie, kids are smart. I have watched kids be manipulated by one parent to hate the other and guess what??? They grew up to hate the manipulative one!!! Just be the best father you can be and they will see that the lies are not true. Never say anything negative about their mother...don't play the game. They will see you are an honest person. Be sure to let them know you want to know how they are feeling, what they are thinking, etc. Remember this - adults may be fooled, but kids seem to always know better deep down.


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#363972 - 06/10/11 11:46 PM Re: My Lost Kids *****TRIGGER WARNING******* [Re: hopeandtry]
Keeptrying Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 50
I've thought about your posts for days before replying to them. Just don't seem to be able to find the words to comfort you nor reasons to ration with you so that you wouldn't feel this bad. What hope4him said is true: children can be manipulated for some period of time, but they always seem to find the truth about who loves them and who just uses them. The pop culture convinces us that everyone needs to have a happy family and anything short of that is a flaw, even a shame. But life is both resilient and fragile. We could endure many years of tortures but also could lose our loved ones in a blink of eye. Some lucky people have it all. But you and I, and our children have to live the imperfect, through struggles and pain, but somehow find it to have made us special.

The evil in CSA is that the crime doesn't just take one victim at a time. It takes a toll of chain reactions around that victim, affecting many people in his lie. I couldn't condemn more enough on such evil, especially when it's coming after my own kids. I have no choice but to do everything that is within my control to protect them. Once we made the decision to become a parent, we have no choice but to do our best under any circumstance. I'd be depressed and do nothing before having children. Now no matter how stressed I am, I tried to find ways to make me feel better so that I could get them through the day.

Try to find a good Chinese traditional doctor specialized in acupuncture to treat anxiety and depression. I'd recommend to all of you who have anxiety and depression issues. Acupuncture is very effective than pre>

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#364031 - 06/12/11 10:27 AM Re: My Lost Kids *****TRIGGER WARNING******* [Re: hopeandtry]
Rusty563 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 200
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Robbie,

I have to agree with H4H. As long as you continue to show love and respect to your children and never bad-mouth your ex-wife in their presence, then one day they will see the truth and turn on her for treating their father so cruely.

It may take years for this to happen but one day it will. Just like H4H said "don't play the game" you could force them to choose sides and lose.

When you have them with you it has to be a wonderful time when you do because you speak so highly of them, so when you have them, make the best of it. Set aside all of your issues and make the time you have all about them. I'm not suggesting spoiling them with anything they want or planning a stream of constant "fun" activities. Then you become nothing more than the stereo typical weekend dad that tries to win over their love. Just find ways to show them that they are the most important people in your life. Use your imagination. We all know you have one. smile

We love you Robbie and want you to have a relationship with your children that will grow stronger as the years go by. Give them proof that you're a man worth loving and respecting and they'll come to see the truth despite what they're being told by your ex. You're going to have to persevere and fight the good fight.

Rusty

_________________________
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Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King
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#364119 - 06/13/11 08:09 PM Re: My Lost Kids *****TRIGGER WARNING******* [Re: Rusty563]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Thank you Rusty. I wish you could have been the judge in the case. I'm so burnt-out by it all.

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#364129 - 06/13/11 10:21 PM *Trigger warning to ROBBIE* [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Robbie,

Your thoughts in this thread are ironic. Understandable, but ironic. I've spent countless hours, countless hours, reading posts of the men here. A recurring theme by survivors is the despair and repeated regrets that their parents, their mothers, their fathers, did not care for them, did not notice them, or neglected them, or abused them, or abandoned them. In some cases, actually tried to kill them.

You yourself recounted the truth that even though you had been beaten by a parent, you wanted that parent to give you attention, and you didn't get it. That you lost interest in baseball because a parent couldn't be bothered to spend time with you in a single activity: watching a baseball game.

You craved love and affection even from a parent you KNEW was cruel, and who did not deserve the time of day from YOU. Do you really think your children are any less human than you or any of the men here? Do you really think your children, when they are older, will be unaffected by pain and regret if you aren't a loving and attentive parent to them now?

You know your parents behavior towards you has hurt you for your entire life. Your children may seem thankless now, but you know from your own experience - as do the other men here - that how a parent treats you when you are a child, stays with you for your entire life, and affects your own feelings of self-worth - rightly or wrongly.

You have really been dealt a raw hand several times over. But if you love your children, you will not declare the relationship "dead" and forget what you learned in the hardest ways imaginable. Relationships with parents - no matter how outrageous the parent - are never dead.

I know I dish out tough love. But your kids deserve it.

The other posters are right: don't lower yourself to the level of your ex-wife by criticizing her. As the kids get older, and your innate nature of being loving and safe is repeatedly demonstrated to them by your actions, they will realize their mother unfairly maligned you, and their view of you will improve. The evidence of their own eyes will eventually win out.

Be strong for your children. You know they need you now, more than ever. Think about baseball tickets.
D.

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#364138 - 06/14/11 12:41 AM Re: *Trigger warning to ROBBIE* [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
Think about baseball tickets.


Why does that still hurt like hell? I mean really hurts like hell.

He and I never got to a single Red Sox game. I was giddy when I was able to buy the tickets myself and announce it to him that we were finally going to a game. I always thought that the rather wealthy man just did not want to spend that money...so I made it into a non-issue. He then had no interest in those tickets I bought.

Shit! Its a wonder I didn't turn into a drug-taking, hyper-promiscuous, sex-toy-boy! Oh wait.......


I may not have learned a heck of a lot from him about how to raise children, but I sure learned a lot about how NOT to raise them.

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#364170 - 06/14/11 10:53 AM Re: *Trigger warning to ROBBIE* [Re: Still]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Exactly my point, Robbie my man.

Exactly my point.

Oh, FYI, you might find this article VERY interesting. And she's NOT talking about survivors. Remember that.... Specially the last paragraph.... But don't skip to the end!

http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=310961

Safe and loving hugs,
D.

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#364184 - 06/14/11 02:26 PM Re: *Trigger warning to ROBBIE* [Re: Disappointed]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
Oh, FYI, you might find this article VERY interesting. And she's NOT talking about survivors. Remember that.... Specially the last paragraph.... But don't skip to the end!



That was a very hard article to read. Its 110% true. I was a victim of abuse of the divorce laws and everyone in any proximity to the case knows it. I'm too discouraged to even talk about it.

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