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#363869 - 06/08/11 03:54 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: thefutureorbust]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Yeah ...i think that you, like me, are looking for that deep bonding from another man...you are looking for a guy that you can truly trust with your past, that will accept you ...

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My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#363892 - 06/08/11 11:30 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Darkheart]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
I know that what Sterling said and my dear friend Darkheart seem to support (listen to my own tunes) was meant to be a support. But dang it guys it’s not! I danced for years, far too many fucking years, to my own tune. I came here to change that failing pattern. I’ve struggled for over a year now not to return to the singular tune of the rape that threw my rhythmic beat off track. I came here to join a chorus of men, to get back into proper key, to suggest I do otherwise, even though I know was meant with good intentions, was poor advice.

This is twice now recenlty where I've heard it say that we, ASA's, need to do this crap on our own. Why are we handed a different set of guidelines to accomplish the end result of healing?

I don't know maybe it's sound thinking because the other sure isn't working out so well.



Edited by earlybird (06/08/11 11:31 PM)
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Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#363897 - 06/09/11 12:07 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: earlybird]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Earlybird,

I totally understand, and completely relate. Myself, like yourself and many others continue to struggle on our quest for healing.

Many, i think just do not understand the singular difference in issues we face as ASA, just like many do not understand the issues i deal with as a military sexual assault victim ...

Hell, i don't even hear the music anymore, let alone dance ...all i do is stumble blindly ...

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http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#363903 - 06/09/11 01:43 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Darkheart]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
There are no rules. There is only what works.

Not what everyone says works for everyone, or what one man says works for them.

There is just what works for you. And while you seek to find the beat or melody that is your own path forward, we will mark different times and beats for you to try and stand ready with bursts of joyous laughter for your moments of discovery.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#363905 - 06/09/11 03:09 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
efm,

When i read this, i got a visual of us all together with our war paint on, beating our drums, shaking our tom tom's, and preparing the war party.

Regardless of which tribe we belong to, we share a common enemy ...sexual assault. United, we shall win the fight, divided, we fall. Together, with many voices, let our voices heal, not spread discord ...

There has to be a solution, but what is it????

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#363910 - 06/09/11 08:41 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Darkheart]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Then can I paint half my face blue and get out the bagpipes? LOL just kidding.

I like your chorus analogy. Not only because I am a vocal music geek but it speaks to healing experience I always had when singing in a group. There is something so healing and affirming when you can sing one note, and another person is able to harmonize with what you're singing. When you sing with someone for awhile, you start to share a musical bond, which can be a very beautiful thing for a friendship. These days my voice isn't so good anymore and I mostly play piano and enjoy accompanying the voices of others. But I agree, Earl, you have been singing by yourself for far too long.

I don't know about you, but I don't have perfect pitch. I have what is called "relative pitch." I can match pitches & create scales in my head when I have one true note (either from a pitch pipe, or a guitar tuner, or something. I don't trust my piano because it is never perfectly in tune). A lot of proficient singers can really embarrass themselves when they start out on the wrong pitch, or someone else gives them a tonal cue that is anything but tonal smile

I think what we have going on here, is a group of very proficient emotional musicians, who already have a lot of tools for their recovery at their own disposal. Earl, you have been walking this road a lot longer than I have and I am continually impressed by your self-awareness and wisdom. You are proficient, there is nothing wrong with you, you were just knocked off track by your assault.

I don't mean to denigrate the good work that has gone on in the areas of mental health, healing, and recovery for male survivors of CSA, or female survivors of both rape & CSA. I'm not just talking about support services, crisis counseling, or the number of therapists out there that assist people suffering from these problems. What I'm talking about is discourse in the mental health community, awareness in the public eye, and inquiry from people in academia whose areas of study could relate to ASA. It's hard to find a musical reference point when there are so few notes you can relate to--and those notes are all out of tune, too. I think there are fields like male CSA where there are prominent people out there who are dedicated to helping & raising awareness. Figures like Mike Lew, organizations like Male Survivor, etc, give CSA survivors the correct pitch so they can set the rest of their lives in working order. Going through rape/assault as a grown man is disorienting enough, and just like a group of proficient singers still need a music director in order for their voices to blend together well, we need professional recognition and group leadership. The CSA recovery community has a few "Leonard Bernstein" type figures. We need authorities on the subject of ASA to step up, too.



Edited by CruxFidelis (06/09/11 08:45 AM)
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- Saint John of the Cross

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#363912 - 06/09/11 10:36 AM Re: Reaching Out [Re: CruxFidelis]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Crux, you go for it...my ancestors are Celtic ...i need an excuse to get me a kilt laugh

Wow ...you really stated this so eloqently ...i agree, we need authority for our issues too...

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#363913 - 06/09/11 12:03 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: Darkheart]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Crux, I agree with Darkheart - well said my good friend but trust me on this one, you don’t want my squeaky voice harmonizing with anything remotely musical. I best stick to listening to the chorus of angels or men and writing my thoughts which even they are often off beat to the rhythms of my heart.

You do bring into the discussion a powerful point which I’m not sure what the answer to be. We have no “giant” or “legion” to look up to for hope and answers. Maybe this is why I look to the natural things like the rising sun, which reminds me I too rise every morning and can either be bright and warm or allow myself to be overtaken by the thunderclouds of past events. As the sun I will also set in the distance disappearing from the view of others.

Thanks Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#363914 - 06/09/11 12:23 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: earlybird

You do bring into the discussion a powerful point which I’m not sure what the answer to be. We have no “giant” or “legion” to look up to for hope and answers. Maybe this is why I look to the natural things like the rising sun, which reminds me I too rise every morning and can either be bright and warm or allow myself to be overtaken by the thunderclouds of past events. As the sun I will also set in the distance disappearing from the view of others.


I just hope that by the time my son is my age and possibly finds out about what happened to me, there will be organizations, thought leaders, prominent voices in the mental health & recovery communities and books at his disposal.

I wish that we could just hand our wives a book for spouses of men with ASA and say, "here, this might be helpful."

At times, I think about writing a book about my recovery, but I haven't actually recovered yet and it would be in the genre of memoir, not self-help.

A few months ago I went to my local university library trying to find pieces of scholarship on this topic, and while there are a few dissertations/studies in the field of criminology, the fields of social work, psychology and sociology haven't done diddly-squat in the past decade. Where's the call for papers? Come on, idealistic PhD candidates! If you want an idea for an original dissertation topic we've got one right here.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#363915 - 06/09/11 12:24 PM Re: Reaching Out [Re: CruxFidelis]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Crux,

You nailed it and have repeated some of what I have shared with others in PMs. But I do believe you said it all in a far more beautiful way. Bravo indeed for you spoke the truth!


Daryl

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