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#363750 - 06/07/11 05:32 AM Help me, please! I have a question for ALL on the
J.Baby Offline


Registered: 01/29/09
Posts: 22
Loc: West Mids UK
This is an impact statement that I started to write.
Please read cvarefuly and answer the question at the end. Thank you.



Where to start. For a while now I have been thinking what to do with my victim impact statement but could not figure out where to start. There is so much to be said that it leaves me speechless. After much deliberation I have decided that the best thing to do would be to run you through my life stage by stage so you can judge for yourself how this has affected me, and the best place to start, as is often the way, would be at the beginning.
So, lets start with my earliest memories. Being the youngest of five children, I was always left behind at home while my brother and sisters went to school. From the age of around five years I remember having to stay at home to watch my mother be beaten by my father, not too infrequently. This moment of my life, as with so many others, played a key part in constructing my character.
Every time I saw my mother get beaten, I wanted nothing more in the world than to hold and comfort her but I was always pushed away. This is understandable as my mother would have been traumatised herself, but regardless, it is still detrimental to a childís emotional wellbeing. Now, my motherís attitude to this, was the same as most women of her generation. It was the same as most women of our generation who find themselves in similar situations. She stayed quite. She allowed herself to be abused and never said a word. This passive behaviour was a unique gift that my mother passed down to me, and re-inforced time and time again.
When my parents finally decided to let me attend school, it was not the educational haven I had been expecting. From my first day, until my very last I was bullied. I was the only Bengoli child in a primarily black school. I was crossed eyed and under-confident with no friends. The few kids that I did call friends also attended mosque with me in the evening and bullied me there. To add insult to my injuries my parents disciplined me for being bullied. If I came home with bruises or if my belongings had been stolen I would be beaten and if they found out that Iíd fought back to protect myself I would be beaten further. My mother had succeeded in creating me in her image. She had pushed her insecurities on to me and they were now mine. And thus for years I was beaten, robbed, mugged, called names, punched, kicked and subjected to a dozen other horrible things without ever saying a word against anyone.
Eventually I became tolerant to it. Pain had just become a part of everyday life. Worse yet, I desperately became a people pleaser in the hope that if I could make people happy, they would leave me alone. Surprisingly, this approach never worked. But then I went to Bangladesh. A place for me, that was built by dreams. Dreams that my parents had passed down to me. A place filled with love, and family waiting for me with open arms. It was an escape at a time when I was near suicidal. I thought at the time, my life had been saved. That was when I met my half brother, Koyes. He was several years older than me and a fully grown adult in my eyes. He gave me love, showed me kindness. He really took me under his wing and kept me with him almost day and night. He gave me my first cigarette.
Iíd never before this point felt valued by anyone but my big brother. Koyes was the first person to make me feel like I mattered. He made me feel like an adult, treated me more like a friend than any friend I had ever known. I felt eternally grateful to him. He was my saviour . I couldnít remember feeling safer for such a long period of time. I owed him my life, and thatís exactly what he took from me. One day Koyes began touching me in ways Iíd never been touched before. I didnít know what to do. I knew somewhere deep down something was wrong, but I let him convince me that it was love. That everyone who cared about each other did it. I believed his every word, why wouldnít I? Why would he hurt me like this? He had many opportunities to hurt me but he only ever gave me happiness.
At a time when being beaten and robbed was like breakfast and lunch to me, he gave me love. More importantly, he made me feel lovable. I did whatever it took to make him happy, to return the favour. Heíd given me the gift of hope, hope to see better days. I could never repay him but I tried, in everyway. And so their lie became the greatest truth of my life. Maybe I should have known better, but how much better is an eight year old supposed to know. Specially when that eight year old had lived the life I lived and was as passive as me.
Eventually the dream was over. I would have to board the plane and return to this hell. But I was ok. I could be beaten and bullied happily, now that I had known some kindness.
Slowly, life began to settle itself again. I was bullied as usual, robbed as always, but I had grown a very thick skin. Then, when I was around 11, my cousin Foyzul came to this country.
My mother had spoken highly of him for years. When he landed in this country and came to stay with us for a short while he was already classed as part of the family. Love, care and affection surrounded him. He was an elder that treated me like an adult. He would listen to me and again make me feel loved.
We had to share a room, and, feeling as loved as I did by him, I crawled in to bed next to him, just to be close to someone who treated me well.

The rest (as you can imagine) as is in the police report.



Just one question that I would like to ask you all:

I was 16 before I ever realised just how wrong these things were. Was it wrong of me to think it was ok and in the end to actually enjoy what happened due to its context??...always felt ashamed since.


_________________________
Bull fight critics, ranked in rows
Crowd the enormous plaza full,
But only one is there who knows
And he's the man that fights the bull.

Top
#363757 - 06/07/11 08:40 AM Re: Help me, please! I have a question for ALL on the [Re: J.Baby]
Fissy Tsickens Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/23/08
Posts: 466
Loc: Bassett, Virginia
J.:

No, most certainly not. YOU were not WRONG; what happened to you was WRONG. The people who hurt you were WRONG. The guilt, ALL the guilt, is on THEM. Physically, we enjoyed the sensations because that is the way the human body is made. It was not your choice; you were but a child.

Give yourself a hug, have a big bowl of ice cream, and tell yourself you hold no responsibility for the actions of others.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home Iíll never see

It may sound absurd...but donít be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but wonít you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
Itís not easy to be me

Top
#363762 - 06/07/11 09:32 AM Re: Help me, please! I have a question for ALL on the [Re: Fissy Tsickens]
john22 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/06
Posts: 168
Loc: Europe-Belgium
Hi J.

I second what John said.

Everything what happened to you was never your fault. I understand why you feel ashamed of it, as it "looks" like you did it without coercion. But there was coercion in my point of view. I mean you did what you thought was the right thing to do because the abusers never said it wasn't normal behaviour. Even when you crawled in the bed of your second abuser, he should have know not to act sexually with you. They made use of you, it was wrong. Even if it felt good, that's just the way our bodies react on the stimulances given to it. Your age excuses you from any responsability. You were too young to understand what really happend and which repercusions it could have later in life.

Don't bother yourself with the questions of quilt. The fault was NEVER yours in the first place, it belongs to the abusers and it should stay there. I know it's not that easy, but it's important to say this outloud.

And as the other John said, have a big bowl of ice cream, maybe even a piece of chocolate and don't be too hard on yourself in regard to these questions.

See you later

John






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#363840 - 06/08/11 05:33 AM Re: Help me, please! I have a question for ALL on the [Re: john22]
J.Baby Offline


Registered: 01/29/09
Posts: 22
Loc: West Mids UK
thank you, i really appreciate your advice. i know it was their responsibility and not mine and had it been any other child in my position i would never blame them, but its just really hard when its yourself. i wish i screamed or anything, i wish it hadn't happened under the above circumstances. i've been dealing with what happened when i was younger and i'm pretty comfortable with it now but i'm still dealing with its repercusions and sometimes they get over whelming. you know what the world thinks and sometimes they do make you question yourself. but i have to remember, unfortuneately i was a prime victim. it would be text book if such a text book existed.

thank you for all your help, haven't been on this site in a while and feels good to hear of my old mates again.

thank you all very much.

p.s. i have to stay away from the ice cream, getting divorced so i need to get in to shape! lol.

_________________________
Bull fight critics, ranked in rows
Crowd the enormous plaza full,
But only one is there who knows
And he's the man that fights the bull.

Top
#363842 - 06/08/11 07:50 AM Re: Help me, please! I have a question for ALL on the [Re: J.Baby]
brokenleg Offline


Registered: 01/05/10
Posts: 65
Thanks for sharing J. I remember how my abuser manupilated me. They firstly, left me alone, and unhappy, and later they had showed kindness which was paid too much. Neither wasn't your fault, nor the child who is with u right now.
I have been trying to get in shape, however love eating especially ice cream. Good luck

BL


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#363845 - 06/08/11 07:56 AM Re: Help me, please! I have a question for ALL on the [Re: brokenleg]
J.Baby Offline


Registered: 01/29/09
Posts: 22
Loc: West Mids UK
thank you.

_________________________
Bull fight critics, ranked in rows
Crowd the enormous plaza full,
But only one is there who knows
And he's the man that fights the bull.

Top


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