Haha ...i do the car dance too.

Hey guys my name is Joe, I'm 36 and I was sexually abuse by my father when I was 5, my brother when I was about 8-10 and when I was 5 my cousin coericed me into something sexual (he was same age). My issues now are my sexual identity, anxiety, PTS and isolation. Im a personal trainer and I deal with people all day long and its so emotionaly draining. I have never been with men outside of my abuse but I suffer from SSA. My wife just left me cause she found out I cheated on her a few years back with some other girls (3 different times). I also told her I didnt know if I was gay or not. But at the time the abuse was JUST coming to the surface. 5 weeks later I can see the connection to my SSA both sexually and emotionally to my abuse. I have been with so many women sexually throughought my life, i have been in many relationships with most being badly co-dependant. But I have always feared I was gay. I believe I feel somehow responsible for the abuse, I enjoyed some aspect of it and I have SSA with some of that being a need to simply be close to a man, all of that mixed with some other extrenal BS has caused me to deeply believe and fear I am gay. But I see how the abuse affected me and affected my ability to be close to men. I am stuck now because I just recovered the abuse from my brother. Or I finally admitted it to myself however you want to look at it. I feel very alone, isolated, anxious and hopeless. Something triggered me today that cause a Post Trumatic episode and I was in darkness all day. I could use some male friendship and any input would be appreciated.

Joe,

Sounds to me that perhaps you seek the friendship and companionship of other guys. This in turn then leads to ssa? Or does the attraction happen first?

We know what you're going through ...the abuse affects us all sexually, makes us question our physical response, ask ourselves what our desires are...

You're not alone in this ...

Thanks Dark, it is different at different times. Sometimes it feels like I believe that guy has something over me and its almost like "I have no choice" and feel the SSA and become a child again, out of control etc. Sometimes it feels like friendship turned attraction, seeking love? understanding? acceptance? I have plenty of guy friends to guy around and watch MMA and bullshit, but no deep male bonding to express feelings. I have always been with women, have had great sex with them etc. But when My self-esteem is low, when anxiety is high when stress is high and when I feel isolated the sexual fantasy's about men come up. Its like I want to take control back and go be with a guy. I think its more about anxiety vs actual desire?

That's what i think too . Anxiety is part of it, but i think the loneliness is a factor too perhaps?

SSA is a complex, multifaceted thing. It's not just sex and attractions. It's the underlying emotions as well ...

Would you say you think SSA is more or less common in ASA survivors vs. CSA?

I haven't had any inclinations that way but it seems like the sort of thing that wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility for ASA.

In my opinion, it depends on the extent of the abuse. By this, i mean was it a one time event, or a longer lasting abuse? Was the perpetrator someone known? Was there force involved?

These questions come up, because i believe they skew ones internal compass. If the abuse was from a loved one, or friend, and didn't involve force or injury, it is much easier to get ssa into the mix than say a guy who was raped at random by a stranger one time ...

Also, for the ASA, the person usually has their sexuality defined ..by this, i mean if one was straight before a rape, they rarely begin having ssa. However, for a kid or teenager, their sexuality is in development, and thus easier to confuse ...

I know from my perspective i had underlying homosexual feelings before my rapes, but no csa. But my rapes were long lasting enough to cause myself to question if i was truly gay ...

So.....overall, i have experienced more ssa from our csa brothers than our asa brothers.

Makes sense. I think it is probably easier for straight guys to end up experiencing SSA if the rape was more of a coerced thing that involved grooming, rather than a forceful incident that was unquestionably violent and with malicious intent. Both types of assault/abuse are just as horrible but I guess the resulting trauma can have different ways of manifesting itself.

Exactly ...

Another issue for the ASA to deal with regarding ssa is the physical response ...I've met a few straight guys who were raped. Their physiological response ie ejaculation, has caused them a lot of issues. Some act out in an effort to recreate the experience ...

I was 5 years old and it was my father. He seduced me, kissed me and told me I was "pretty", he also called me my mothers name. The abuse was a few times as far as I can remember. I buried it for years but whenever the SSA came up I was like WTF?? am I gay? how can I be gay im sitting her masturbating to penthouse and I was having sex with my gf 7 times a day and loving it? I didnt fully realize or admit I was abused, the SSA would get stronger as I got older and I started blocking it out and denying it, now it comes when I feel out of control, I am learning to accept it for what it is and not get so upset by it. It messes with my mind at times. I am getting a divorce from my wife and I am lonely so the issues of deep friendship come up. Im a personal trainer and train 8-9 clients a day and I hang out with guys and watch MMA and BS but its nothing deep. I need to fix that deep need thats buried inside of me for love from a man (non sexual). I know some therapists say go experiement but I dont want to wreck my mind furthur. My self-esteem with women is shot because of the abuse and I am ashamed of the SSA, so I masturbate 3-4 times a day. I did get laid a few weeks ago at a party but felt guilty afterwards. I need to put me and my self-worth based on who I am as a person and how i take care of myself VS sex. Everything is SEX SEX SEX with me. I look at a girl and think "would I fuck her"? women at times are objects, I am scared of getting hurt by them, of not being man enough, etc. With guys and the SSA sometimes when it comes I revert back to being a child. Almost helpless, its scary actually I hate it. It messes my mind up for hours afterwards.