I keep logging into the MS site, hoping to find a new post on the ASA forum, but not seeing any...

I dunno ...i just want to feel a kindred spirit with other guys with ASA. Honestly, i just want to feel something, anything besides this empty void i carry.

I don't feel any emotions regarding my rapes, actually ...not the dissasociative kind, just nothing anymore. No anger or sadness or shame. Just ...nothing. Makes me think "did it really happen?" but i know it did.

The only time i feel any emotions or get any healing it seems, is when i get the chance to reach out to my brothers in need, but it just isn't happening anymore it seems.

Where is everyone? I don't want to push, i just wonder. Are you hiding? Are you afraid to post? Or are you afraid of hurting someone on here? I dunno ...just feeling lost and numb right now ...and lonely.

Hi DH.

I hate feeling lonely too. And I appreciate those days when I have someone to connect with, even if it's in regards to empathy in abuse.

I know for myself, I just haven't thought much about the ASA part of things lately. I look back on it at times, but asking the same old questions only brings up feelings of self-blame and doubt. Not really something I want to keep punishing myself over. Avoidance? I don't know, maybe. Or it's just not stinging like it used to.

Andy

That's ok Andy ...i totally understand that feeling of not punishing yourself over, re-hashing the same issues ...

Just feeling the need to reach out

Darkheart,

I totally understand what you mean about the need for connecting with those who have walked a similar path. I remember the first time I heard a male voice say "I understand what you went through". It was many years after my assault and I was crashing hard again. I was very suicidal and knew it. I had been betrayed by a friend who knew of the rapes that night. In a dispute at my work I found that my opponents knew and in shame I resigned and moved away again.

I called the most reputable hospital around and spoke with a man around my age at the time. In this short phone crisis intake he spoke the words I had waited years to hear from another man. A man who had, as an adult, gone through what I had experienced. His words were brief but I can still not only hear his words to this day but I think could pick his voice out from a crowd. That is how powerful it was for me. I think it pushed me to check myself into the hospital which did save my life. The first time was court ordered - this time I took control and saw my need for help.

I still search for ASA resources both online and in person with little to no success. I am a bit on a break from that right now due to the many walls I have hit since January. I am still looking to hear "I understand" I guess.

I am so sorry that this is such a lonely time for you. I count you as a valuable friend and a ally in the needs for ASA men. You are a wonderful connection for me.


Daryl

Thanks Daryl ...

Your words, and story mean a lot, truly. I think deep down, i am seeking the connection. I'm finally strong enough and healed enough to need and want the relationships on here...

I'm honored that you find that connection in me, and that you see me as an ally for others ...

I am sorry you feel so much isolation right now.

I feel like a lot of guys gave me support in the last thread and right now I am just trying to stay in therapy (feel sick to my stomach every time I go) and not isolate from people in my life who want to help. Just haven't felt like I have much to say since...it is easier to think about the peripheral issues I have that revolve around my rape rather than the rape itself, which is what my T always tries to get me to talk about.

I think there are male ASA survivors on here that know much more than I do about how to get over this. We get absolutely NO FREAKING RECOGNITION from the mental health community, which is even more corrupt & shady than the New Jersey state government! There are some compassionate men in the business (like my therapist) who will help people with ASA even though it is not their area of expertise, but I know that in the end we are all making this recovery stuff up as we go along. I have only been a survivor for about a year & a half, but if you just need someone to talk to I'm around.

Thanks Crux

Is there anything that myself or the other guys can do to help you? I know what you mean regarding therapy for ASA...it's been over 20 years since my rapes, but i still haven't found a therapist ...

I get those peripheral issues as well ...the work on them rather than the rape itself ...yeah, i get it...

Thanks for the offer Crux ...I'll hit you up if i need you ...

Thanks Darkheart for posting this thread. I guess I’m not is such a good place about the ASA forum.

I feel as if I come to the floor to dance and the music stops. The obvious silence from the band leaders is deafening and the lack of partners of who wish to share the rhythms of the moment with me, disheartening. I’m beginning to learn to sway to my own tune, one though I don’t understand why, seems strident to others.

What did I expect? I guess I thought that if we, ASA’ers, were given our own floor to tap out our past with fingers rather than toes we’d discover some of the old harmonic moves stolen by the raping of men. Has this proven to be the case? Some say yes, some cry no, so why the difference? Am I an ugly dance selection, a partner of embarrassment? Is it that my outfit, the clothes dressed over me by an event that gave me a selection of colorless outerwear that is not of my fitting? Are my moves such that I’ve stomped too many toes forcing potential partners to the floors edge? Or are others just as afraid as I to rediscover how wonderful music and the dance can be when shared with others?

Earl, it is my opinion that the latter is true. We are all afraid to rediscover ...

B proud of yourself! I dance in my car all the time!
I dont care. I am waiting for the time.. maybe i should get me some spending budget , so i can take me out for a good time! that felt good. Dance away....