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#363576 - 06/04/11 02:28 AM idk anymore
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
what to say, i would like help but i cant ask, mostly cause im unwilling to actually go through with it. I wish I could, i wish someone would drag me wherever I need to go.. talk for me. explain to them im not a person, explain how if you look at me i'd be scared. if you asked me a question im might not respond. how human interaction makes me want to disappear. I want to live in a hospital, i wont have to be alone. i wont have to be anything.I wont have to feel like this like im somewhere i dont belong. I dont have to try like people expect me to. I cant cant be that person, nothing can make me be that person. its to much...scary. rejected now you might as well kill me. even when im not I feel as though I am and want to kill me. so whats the point destined to be alone, more ways than you could imagine. never be a day when im not scared of someone looking at me. who am i who is in my head.. fuck is been to long, this is who I am now? be forever, can someone just hide me. Ill do anything if i dont have to be seen. it could be a secret no one will have to know who the weird guy who lives in the dungeon is. but who cares... who cares who cares I dont care. cant be that person. I just wish it was more obvious for people who dont know.

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

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#363578 - 06/04/11 06:14 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Ilbedat,
You bring to the forum an easy self-belief one that would rather feel and exist within its surroundings as if a stone. No heart to be broken, no flesh to stretch or tear nor a mind to be controlled. But then you gave a glimmer of hope when you stated

“I just wish it was more obvious for people who dont know.”

No stone which may feel or appear to be a worthless piece of rock would ask to be understood. You’re here at MS where we are trying to and succeeding in growing that understanding, not only amongst ourselves but in the 3D world where the effects of CSA or ASA is not readily understood. As frustrating as that might be, and it is, there is a part of me the wants to hold on to an understanding that they do not grasp our issue because they, buy life’s graces, have not themselves been through what is clearly an un-understandable event such as sexual assault.

May I say that the SA is not who you are though it often “feels” this way, something most all of us can identify with when the pressures of the SA builds to a disrupting crescendo. You are a valuable man incased within millions of feeling membranes, nurturing a fractured heart. Thanks for caring enough about us to share you, Earlybird




Edited by earlybird (06/04/11 06:17 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#363608 - 06/04/11 04:10 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: earlybird]
looking2heal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 100
Loc: pa
i care for you and im glad your here with us and talking about it.....we can get past this ....TOGETHER WE CAN!!!

_________________________
taking the steps to healing inside

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#363609 - 06/04/11 04:27 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: looking2heal]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Howdy, my fraternal brother.

You are a very valuable human being. I am glad that you are here with us talking about it. Letting your emotions flow. You are not alone here, you have plenty of company. Great people here, most of us have walked in each others shoes. We understand.

I offer you my compassion, understanding & love. As I am sure my/your other fraternal brothers here do.

Heal well, idk, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#363631 - 06/05/11 02:40 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
The Treehouse alone with me

never care
never help
never will
    u perv
    faggot
    its you man
    your you as long as your here
    never be anything else
    no one loves you
    help who care
    s
    no one will ever save you
    too old now
    to be young
   cute
    maybe sumone would have
    helped
    taken you away
    you muxt hold your own now
    even if you dont know how
    nobody ever taught you
    and thats your fault
    cause no one cares
   you feel the same as then
    they never cared
    how to live now
   you cant go outside
    they can all see you now
    appear only now
    now that its all gone
    now all theres to see is the bad
    the fucked up
    the failure
    wish they knew how much i wanted to die
    how scared i really was
    rarely i thought to say something
no one will understand
    all i ever thought
    that and die
    why cant i
   i wake up now
    old
    what will happen
    how long can i live with my dad
    never support myself
    die loser
    it all passes by witht the same thought
    nobody ever
    will
    stuck
    army brothers
    so close
    place to cry
    they understand
    but you fail
    your crazy
    failed them
    hate you noww
    like the others
    treat me how i look
    not equiped like them
    cant make it
    people find a way
    u cant
    why not
    cause theyll see me
    treat me how i look
    its not ok
    cut yourself
    they can see
    cut your face
    theyll treat you how you look
    put where i belong
    no worries
    dont have to be anything now
    dont need love
    theyre not supposed to love you there
    if they dont care
u can run
    as far as u can
    [illbedat] 2:28 am: no one can see if your dead

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
#363633 - 06/05/11 03:48 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
alone in the closet where he goes to cry mom and dad dont know where he is, dont realize hes gone, dont care, goes there everyday, crying quietly, hopeing someone will open the door and see him, never happened, so quiet, please someone come, notice me, i could be anything you want, it could be ok, i know you can make it ok, if you tried, if i was good enough, hurts more everyday, your lingerie is gone, do you notice, big bro makes me wear it, your sex book is gone, do you notice, big bro makes me do that stuff, i even make girl noises when your not home, he even sucks mine if i ask him, if you could see how much he loves me, more than anyone, more than anything, i could be everything he wants, only one to teach me something, he made me us, thought it was forever, but its not, wish it wasnt over, sitting on the toilet, mom it wont come out, happened all the time, but you didnt care, can you please just be a mom, help me, im not like the other kids, please notice, always waiting, looks so lonely, wishing to be hadicapped, maybe theyll care, notice me, wishing to be dead no one cares, not good enough, im nobody foever, whos to blame for my mistakes, its my problem, my fault now

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
#363634 - 06/05/11 03:51 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
die loser cut

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
#363640 - 06/05/11 09:59 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
illbedat,
Sounds like the reason to me on why you don't want to talk to your dad is because he didn't even care enough to see something was wrong. so why would he care now, right? He doesn't really give a shit he's just going thru the motions cuz he doesnt care. Listen, my big bro did stuff to me too. Mom never noticed and the one time she did notice because I said something to the effect that I wanted to be monogamous. She asked me if I was having sex and I said no and she dropped it. Yep, she must have been thinking that ok I've done my job as a mom he said no all done now whew that was close might have had to do some real parenting. Don't wonder why your 13 year old son is using words that make you believe your son is having sex just
drop it. I'm sure it nothing. There was no way I was going to say anything with my brother in the room. He was bigger than me and I remember I was scared at that moment.

One of my signature lines that gets attached to everyone of my posts may seem
a little silly because I'm quoting a MasterCard commercial but being with people who
understand is priceless. We get it, keep talking we will help

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#363645 - 06/05/11 02:17 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: onlyakid]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Illbedat.****TRIGGERS****

The hurt I see, the pain, the rejection.
You were but a child.
Hurt you could not control
Violated against your will,
Your view of life, skewed

Tears flowed uncontrollably
They flowed those first few times
But tears were replaced
Replaced with hate and cynicism
Replaced with hardness and resolve
A resolve to survive

But that's what it was
A view,
A perverted, view
An unrealistic view
A hurtful, hateful view
But still only a view

What you truly are,
Is deep inside
Deep in your heart, the real you
Not the hurt you
Not the you of tainted hope
Not the you of tainted love.
But the you that is true

Search inside that broken heart
Inside that broken soul
And find the real one
The one the hateful people almost stole
Bring him out to meet the world
And one day you will emerge
Emerge victorious
And people will say
NICE TO MEET YOU GENTLE SOUL.


Heal well Brother
GOD SPEED
Martin




Edited by whome (06/05/11 03:10 PM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#363655 - 06/05/11 05:05 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: whome]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

This stuff sure hurts, the pain gets unbearable at times. We question our very selfs.

Well said Martin.

Well said, my brothers.

Heal well, never give up hope. Never let those bitches/bastards win.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#363746 - 06/07/11 03:07 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
nobody ever..crazy cry

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
#363784 - 06/07/11 11:54 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
illbedat--

I have offered to take you someplace to get help many times. The offer is still there. We live in the same area. I will meet you. I will accompany you to a counseling center. I will hold your hand as you go through the process. I mean what I say.

I want you to know I am aware that MS recommends relationships on this site mature unitil 8 months have passed, but I am worried and concerned about you enough to take the risk of being booted off this site for your well-being. You are suffering. Push yourself real hard, man. Please.

I'm waiting.

T


Top
#363789 - 06/07/11 12:32 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I believe Thebo offered, So accept the offer and go somewhere and GET HELP. I seldom meet people in such pain and yours brother I can feel all the way here in Africa.

"There are none so lost than those who do not wish to heal"

Don't know who said it but I know its for you.

GOD SPEED
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#363942 - 06/10/11 01:53 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: whome]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
its impossible i cant be me, i look down at my body my arms and realize nobody wants you cry realize i wasnt good enough everybody passed me by, just wanted someone to care. all i ever wanted was to be adopted a nice family to come and save me. still all i want, but too old. to old to be saved to old for the life i want, to old to learn without it. im thankful everyday for you guys, truly are the world to me. theres nothing left if im not enough if there no one to teach me no one to save me. no one to build me up nobody to give me a new life. i cant be this person anymore im not alive. there was one person, one woman i was in pre k and she was an assistant teacher she noticed, she used to take me out of school for a bit to feed the cats. i loved her just wish she could have been my mom. nobody since.. nobody ever cry

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
#363963 - 06/10/11 04:07 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 328
Loc: NYC
We all care and have adopted you. Please hang in there.
t


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#363979 - 06/11/11 03:44 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: Thebo]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Come to Africa Ill adopt you, Well be here as long as you need us.

Heal well Brother
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364009 - 06/11/11 09:11 PM Re: idk anymore [Re: Thebo]
jevin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 44
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
Originally Posted By: Thebo
We all care and have adopted you. Please hang in there.

What Thebo said, Brandon. From the heart.

Take a step. We'll catch you if you fall.

- Jev

_________________________
"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

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#364099 - 06/13/11 11:43 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: illbedat]
rocker80 Offline


Registered: 05/11/11
Posts: 17
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for sharing your post. I can relate to what you are saying. Just remember your past abuse does not define you as a human being. You are not alone brother and there is hope.

Dave

_________________________
rocker80

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#364140 - 06/14/11 02:34 AM Re: idk anymore [Re: rocker80]
illbedat Offline


Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 75
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
looked at pictures of me as a boy.. how could i have been such a sick bastard. looks so normal, innocent but knew his thoughts were wrong. cant be true cant be me wish i could be him

_________________________
Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

Top
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