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#363478 - 06/02/11 04:36 PM What if it was my Mother?
smessenger Offline


Registered: 05/17/11
Posts: 8
I'm terrified even to write these words, but if I don't start at least asking some questions and looking at my life, things will only get worse... so... I suspect I know why I've run away from this subject for so long. I can deal with the memory and knowledge that a teenage neighbor boy a few years older than me did something sexual and abusive to me that I can't totally recall. I can live with that. I trust I'll remember what I need to know and deal with it. He was a kid. A fucked up kid, but still, a kid. I'll never see him again. He is not in my life.

But... my mother. I'm coming to grips with memories of feeling uncomfortable, creeped-out. I'm dealing with knowledge that as a kid I spent huge amounts of time hiding (under my bed, in the woods, running away) or training and running (wieghts, biking, swimming, running, like some 12-year-old survivalist). I'm aware of the things that freak me the fuck out as a hugely intimidating looking tattooed bearded and muscled 6 foot 235 pound man (unstable people on the street, too many people in one place, kids yelling... anything that feels like too much stimuli) and how badly I want to disconnect and shut it down (even though I've gotten a handle on the drugs and booze and porn, there's still things I have in reserve to block it all out)... and it all makes sense if just this:

My mom sexually abused me.

She's the only person in my world now that I still let close. I've shut everyone else out because I somehow got the idea that people are all inherently selfish and broken and not to be trusted. She's the only one I can recall saying the words I've always cherished most, "I believe in you."

So if she's the one who betrayed me?

I'm scared. Like never before.


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#363480 - 06/02/11 05:15 PM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: smessenger]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
((((smessenger)))

This is not easy stuff you write about..go easy on yourself.

This is the start.

Love/hate..."family"..Incest..scary stuff, it is.

BTW, dont minimize what that neighbor boy did, it all hurts, whether you never see them or live with them....its all wrong, and was never your fault.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#363481 - 06/02/11 05:19 PM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: Castle]
smessenger Offline


Registered: 05/17/11
Posts: 8
Thanks man. Funny, I finally got the nerve to write a letter to myself as a child, and the one phrase I kept coming back to was "it's not your fault."

Saying it doesn't completely change how it feels, but it's a start, I know. As much as I'm tired of hiding my own shame and hiding my feelings and knowledge to protect people who abused me (and as much as I see how that pattern continues to this day, and how it's killing me), it's hell to see the truth and hell to change. But at least it's a fresh new hell with the promise of something better, right?


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#363484 - 06/02/11 06:08 PM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: smessenger]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother,

Incest, is the word.
The very person whom brought me/you into this world would destroy our innocence, childhood & manhood.

I, as a boy of 8, I had always wished & told my "mom" that I wished that she was dead. She had made me the perfect victim for a friend of the family.

She is long since dead.

But, I found someone who would love & care for me. He became my "mom." I never have seen a dad. He was my lover. He loved me, he told me so. I loved him, I told him so. For 55+years.

Hang in there, the promise of something better is hope.

I have hope for you, hope for me & hope for our fraternal brothers here.

Heal well, my fraternal brother,smessenger, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#363502 - 06/02/11 10:04 PM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: smessenger]
mrwhiskers Offline


Registered: 02/22/04
Posts: 193
((((((smessenger))))))

_________________________
"Dont be scared... angels r here" Maria Fernanda (Mafer)

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#363504 - 06/02/11 10:25 PM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: mrwhiskers]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
((((((((((((smessenger)))))))))))


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#363523 - 06/03/11 05:54 AM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: risingagain]
well-intended Offline


Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
Substitute the hiding with escaping into fantasy, and training and running with training and study, and I could very well have written this post.


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#363535 - 06/03/11 11:54 AM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: well-intended]
smessenger Offline


Registered: 05/17/11
Posts: 8
Today is my first day at work since I've decided to confront my past. I'm a Physical Education teacher at an insanely dysfunctional inner-city middle school (ages 10-15). And it's the hardest thing... I'm sitting at the coffee shop across the street watching students come in late and trying not to think how hard it is going to be, because for the first time I don't have my armor.

What does the imposter do to survive when being an imposter doesn't work?


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#365295 - 07/02/11 01:32 AM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: smessenger]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
young people want to see the real person you are
what i would have given for my dad to show me the real him
not the plastic facade he put up
to hide behind

be real
the kids will respect that

one good place you may find support is an organization called boys to men. check it out.

all the best to you man





Edited by risingagain (07/02/11 01:32 AM)

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#377784 - 12/02/11 08:14 PM Re: What if it was my Mother? [Re: Castle]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Castle
....Love/hate..."family"..Incest..scary stuff, it is....


This is scary stuff. It is very painful. I am sorry for the pain we all endure.



Edited by Avery46 (12/02/11 08:15 PM)
Edit Reason: add clarification
_________________________
aka DJsport

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