my story is similar to many other peoples. my first memory is of my mother's boyfriend telling me he wanted to play a "game" that involved his genitals. i was trusting, he was my mother's boyfriend as well as my favorite brother's father. he stole my innocence, and slowly over the years became more aggresive. i told him i didn't want to do it anymore when i was 8 which was when it turned into forced rape. he threatened to kill my mother and my brother so i complied and kept his dark secret with me. he continued to abuse me until i was 9 when he died. i started developing feelings that tended towards other males, and i tried to correct this behavior because i didn't want to be like him, i was afraid that if i ever had children i'd do the same thing. i made many mistakes, entered a few relationships purely for sexual desire rather than for comfort and in the process also started using alcohol heavily as a way to make me feel better about myself because the females i would spend time with often didn't want me as an individual or made me feel like i wasn't worthy of their company. i tried committing suicide once and realized that there was more in this world and more worth living. every day is a bit of a struggle, but i'm slowly becoming more accepting of who i am and what happened to me. alcohol no longer controls my life and i am starting to come to terms with the feelings that i experience as a result of my abuse. I survived, and will keep on surviving