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#362967 - 05/25/11 01:07 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: CruxFidelis]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
No need to appologize! I just wanted to make myself clear.
:-)

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#362972 - 05/25/11 02:17 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/29/12 10:23 PM)

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#362973 - 05/25/11 02:27 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: ren42]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Ren,
Thank you! I know this is what I need to do.
I will do this.
I do fear that he knows not what he does by way of acting out.
He has done so before, though I did not completely understand why.

Long story short, I drew a line in the sand on this issue.
Therefore, I fear him crossing this boundry and feel powerless to do anything about it.
Such is life........

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#363031 - 05/26/11 02:51 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Spidy, Ren42 has wise words
I think you need to know what it is like for the H
I am a CSA survivor and you need to understand how it works. The lies and deception are all part of our survival.
I felt that if the secret got out, I would not be seen as a real man.
People often think that the abused go on to become the abusers, and by default we are all potential Pedophiles, this is another reason to be quite about it.
My wife might think I'm gay, and leave me.
My perpetrators threats still ring in my ears.
My friends may leave us, because they think there is something wrong with me.
Love for me can be Surreal as it is a screwed version of the real thing.
Sex was always a weapon rather than what it should be.
With sex came the threats.
Intimacy is a concept I don't understand.
Now do you get a slight idea as to why your H is afraid?
What can you do to help. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, him. Show him he still matters, that he is valuable, and worthy of love, and then slowly encourage him to confront his demons.
Trying to find out all the details is for your healing, and YES it is IMPORTANT, but you need to give H the time and the space and the security to tell his story.
I know that there is a lot of rage there, possibly a little to much drink, mood swings, self destructive behavior, and self sabotage. This for me was the beginning of the end of my secrets.
Remember I lived a lie for 37 years, and it does not change over night, But healing IS DEFINITELY POSSIBLE.
GOD SPEED.
Martin

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#363045 - 05/26/11 06:39 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: whome]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Thanks for the replies!!!
I think that I am begining to understand that my big issue is my codependence on him and that he hasn't had any issues sexually. Always more hypersexual I guess you'd call it.
So.......
I want to be sure he isn't out having sex with a million people....and I can't.
Therefore, I FEEL very powerless right now.
I'm not dumb. I know I have to take my power back.
I know I have to learn to be able to reassure myself AND be ok with that.I know that I need to get help for myself.
Honestly, I don't like it.
I'm feeling
down
down
down......
:-(

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#363069 - 05/26/11 11:59 PM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: SpideySense]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6361
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: SpideySense
I do not desire the details.


I had funny little reactions to these issues when I was hit by them. These reactions are NOT directed to you Spidey. "YOU can't handle the details of horror...but I could as a little boy??? I was supposed to keep a siloh of horror on my own as a child and YOU can't handle the details? What does THAT tell you?"

Originally Posted By: SpideySense
I really want to know the duration.


"WHY...you wondering if I let it go on for too long??? Wondering if I could have stopped it sooner? Do you think I was complicit? Do you think if I let it go on for TOO long, I became TOO damaged?"

Yeah...its a mine-field to tread. Its why you may wamma hang out here for a while.

Sorry if this was a scary reply for you or too in your face, but you might face worse...though I've been an edgy little bastard since the abuse ended.

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#363071 - 05/27/11 12:26 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
@Robbie, just to throw my two cents in, if I wanted to know the duration, I'd probably say it's because I want to understand his pain better...and understand him now. NOT because I'd ever, EVER blame him for "letting" it go on. It was not your fault, not my ex's fault, and no other survivor's fault.



Edited by hope4him (05/27/11 12:26 AM)

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#363072 - 05/27/11 12:41 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6361
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I do realize that H4H. Its just how I would have interpreted things when my disclosure was new. Sad part is...its exactly how she took it...that is, me being culpable and complicit and enjoying it, and not ending it, and being gay, and it not being all that "un-wanted." "After all Rob, I can see a few incedents before you told, but 7 years???? Yeah...there's a bit of blame on you too." (yes, she really said that)

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#363073 - 05/27/11 12:42 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Still]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Ugggggggghhhhhh. I'm so sorry, Robbie. That's bullshit. I really don't get people sometimes.


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#363074 - 05/27/11 12:48 AM Re: Which way do I go? [Re: Still]
SpideySense Offline


Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
@Robbie,
Ya know,I really do appriciate your perspecrive.
I did not see it this way. This gives me a better understanding, and in my defense, I have no malicious intent.
I can see how a survivor in survivor(for the lack of a better word) mode might percieve it that way.
The "details" bit....I have female survivor friends who have shared with me that recounting any details can an usually brings it all back. I respect that any survivor owns their own story , and I did not wish to do any more harm.
And I agree with the next post about the duration....I am trying to understand his pain.
He is hurting bad.
I love him.
I do not want someone I love hurting so bad.
That is my nature.

Again, thank you for your take on it. I did learn something!

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